


The Six Siblings, Part Three: That's Not How the Story Goes

by midas_touch_of_angst



Series: Six Baudelaires AU [4]
Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004), A Series of Unfortunate Events (TV), A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Six Baudelaires, Arson, Asexual Quigley Quagmire, Biromantic Quigley Quagmire, Bisexual Violet Baudelaire, Dangerous Fungus, Everyone is traumatized! Yay!, F/F, F/M, Gen, I hate Widdershins, Lesbian Fiona Widdershins, Lesbian Lilac Baudelaire, Murder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Siblings, Sibling Bonding, Sibling Rivalry, Siblings, VFD is Terrible, VFD is a Cult, and will kill him upon given the opportunity, honestly i'm surprised we've gotten this far, something nick can agree with, uuuh what else
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-09-11
Packaged: 2020-07-28 21:01:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 41
Words: 121,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20070526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midas_touch_of_angst/pseuds/midas_touch_of_angst
Summary: The Baudelaire siblings were falling, but it was okay. They could fix it. They had to fix it. They had to fix it and save Sunny.One way or another, this was all going to end. No matter how much Lilac feared she couldn't handle it, how much Violet felt inferior, how much Nick suffered from the trauma he'd endured, how much Klaus threatened to fall apart, how much Solitude and Sunny were growing up in a world that hated them and taught them that they would have to fight to survive... no matter any of that, the siblings were going to stay together.Even if they had to burn the world to do it.Six Baudelaires AU, Part Three of Three. Includes The Slippery Slope, The Grim Grotto, The Penultimate Peril, and The End.





	1. Prologue - in which the kids get lost at the train station

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who are confused:
> 
> \- Six Baudelaires AU Information: https://unfortunate-stranger-losers.tumblr.com/six-baudelaires
> 
> \- The gist of it is that the Movie and Netflix Baudelaires are all siblings; while the Netflix Baudelaires retain their names, the Movie Baudelaires are Lilac, Nick and Solitude. Lilac is eleven months older than Violet, while Nick is Klaus's twin, older by thirteen minutes.
> 
> \- This chapter is a prologue; the story will begin next chapter. I'll update daily, but if I have to cancel/postpone a chapter, I will let you know beforehand or on tumblr.
> 
> \- You can find Part One (the first four books) here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18371576/chapters/43501190
> 
> \- You can find Part Two (the next five books) here:  
https://archiveofourown.org/works/19030357/chapters/45197272
> 
> \- If you have not read the first two parts, you will be very confused, so I suggest you do that.
> 
> \- Everyone gets to say fuck, and I get to say "fuck VFD".

**CHAPTER ONE**

_ Prologue - in which the kids get lost at the train station _

“Lilac!” Klaus shouted. “Tell Nick we’re not going to die!” 

“We’re dead as heck.” Nick shrugged. 

Lilac groaned, pulling her siblings into the corner. “We’re not gonna die, stop scaring Klaus.” 

The Baudelaires had gone on a surprise family trip that weekend to a vineyard. They’d had fun chasing each other through the fields, setting up picnics and petting the vineyard’s famous donkeys. But now it was time to go home, and their parents had reminded their hyperactive children- ages six, eight and almost-nine- that they had to take not one train but two, transferring at a very busy station. 

But as they were transferring, they found themselves in a busy, bustling crowd, and within a minute or two, the children realized that they could not find their parents. 

“Let’s go to the shops.” Violet suggested, tugging on her ponytail. “The adults can help us.” 

“Yeah.” Lilac nodded. 

Klaus had his hands over his ears, and he looked on the edge of tears. “It’s too loud! It’s  _ too loud!”  _

“It’s not that bad.” Nick said. 

“Klaus, it’s gonna be okay.” Lilac said. “Come on, follow us. We’ll go to the shops outside the station.” 

They started to walk, once again pushing their way through a crowd. Violet grabbed onto Lilac’s arm, and said, “Do you think they know they lost us?” 

“Of course.” Lilac said. “Nick’s not annoying them.” 

“Hey!” Nick said, glaring at her as he helped Klaus push past an older woman. 

“Mom always said to go to a cashier if we got lost in a store.” Lilac said. “Cause they might remember who was in there.” 

“She also said to go to another mother with children, because they’re likely to help.” Violet nodded. 

“We should go to the creepiest-looking guy.” Nick giggled. “And take candy from him.” 

“Nick, stop being a dweeb.” Lilac said. 

“Never! I’m gonna annoy you forever!” 

“Not forever. You said you were planning to become a professional skydiver, and I’m not gonna be doing that ever, so you’re on your own once you move out.” 

“Excuse me, I-” 

“Oh, shoot!” Violet said, grabbing onto Lilac’s arm as, suddenly, another crowd of people came off the train, not noticing or caring that they were pushing around lost, scared children. 

“Son of a gun!” Nick hissed, pulling Klaus close. “Hey, lady! Watch where you’re going! Klaus is a baby, you could trample him!” 

“I’m not a baby.” Klaus muttered, burying his head in Nick’s shoulder. 

“Yes you are, you’re the baby.” Nick said. “Li, tell him he’s- oh shoot.” 

He realized, just as the crowd started to thin, that they’d lost Lilac and Violet. 

“Oh no.” Klaus scrunched up his face, about to cry. “Oh no, we  _ are  _ going to die… we’re going to die here…” 

“Klaus, chill.” 

“We’re- we’re gonna die- an- and we’re gonna get trampled, or the police are gonna arrest us, or we’ll get hit by a train-” 

“Why would we get arrested?” Nick asked, pulling him towards the entrance of the station. 

“Because you’re  _ you,  _ Nick!” 

“Listen, we’re- we’re just gonna go to the stores.” Nick said. “That’s what Li said to do. We’ll meet her and Vi and Mom and Dad there.” 

“Nick, it’s  _ too loud in here!”  _

“It’ll be quieter out there, come on.” 

Nick finally dragged Klaus to the doors, leaning on them in order to force them open. He ran to the first store he could, and pushed Klaus into it first. They were in some kind of shoeshop, and a ginger man glanced at them. “Oh, hello!” he said. “Are you- where are your parents?” 

“Um, we’re lost.” Nick said, as Klaus clung to his arm. “Can you help us find our parents and sisters?” 

The man immediately ran over to them. “Of course. Let me call the other salespeople on the block, they can help. When did you see them last?” 

“Uh- just a few minutes ago.” Nick said, trying not to cry. “We were transferring trains- are we gonna miss the train?” 

“Don’t worry about that.” the man said kindly. “Why don’t you have some snacks? It’s all vegan, if-” 

“We’re not supposed to take food from strangers.” Klaus mumbled. 

“That’s fair.” the man laughed. “Alright, go sit over there on the cushions while I call.” 

He went to the back of his store and called his contacts, and after a few minutes, Nick and Klaus found themselves outside the store, chatting with the shoemaker, and a blacksmith, a chimney sweep and a computer technician. 

“Mom is really tall, with pretty black hair.” Nick said. “And Dad looks like Klaus but an adult.” 

“Lilac is almost-nine,” Klaus said, “And she’s got two braids cause she wants to be like Wednesday Addams on TV. Violet’s eight and she’s got a ponytail cause otherwise she gets distracted. Li and Vi should be together.” 

“Lilac’s dressed like a witch.” Nick added. 

The adults kept calling their own associates, and occasionally calling conductors or other people working at the station, and offering the kids snacks, which they turned down because they weren’t supposed to take food from strangers, but thank you anyway. 

Klaus calmed down after a while, and the two twins sat on the path outside the stores, playing a clapping game with the shoemaker. Nick giggled and kept leaning over to tickle Klaus just to annoy him, which would inevitably end with Klaus hitting him. 

But after what was probably an hour but felt like forever to the two six-year-olds, the shoemaker looked up and said, “Kids, is that them?” 

The twins turned around, and then screamed with delight as they saw the computer technician coming back towards them, with their parents following close behind. 

“Mom! Dad!” 

“Mother! Father!” 

The kids leapt to their feet, and Beatrice and Bertrand ran forwards, immediately scooping their twins in their arm and hugging them tighter than the children thought would be possible. 

“Oh my God.” Beatrice was saying. “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.” 

“Kids, are you alright?” Bertrand asked, the second they pulled away. “Did anything happen?” 

“We got split up in this big crowd!” Nick said excitedly. “And Klaus thought we were gonna die!” 

“Shut up, no I didn’t!” 

“And then we came to the stores and these nice people helped us!” 

Beatrice looked up at the adults and said, “We can’t thank you enough for this.” 

“It’s no problem.” said the shoemaker, and the others said something similar. 

“Okay, but children,” Bertrand said, looking each of them in the eye. “If you lose us again, stay put.” 

“Yes.” Beatrice nodded. “Don’t go wandering around looking for us. We’ll come and find you.” 

Nick and Klaus nodded seriously, and then they both felt very concerned when Beatrice’s face suddenly flashed with fear. 

“Wait. Where are your sisters? Are they in the store?” 

Nick gave her a look. “I just told you, we got split up in a big crowd.” 

Beatrice and Bertrand stared at them in horror. “You mean they’re still inside?” Bertrand said. 

“Nick! Klaus!” 

“Mother! Father!” 

Lilac and Violet pushed their way through another crowd, keeping their arms locked around each other to prevent the two of them from getting split up, too. Both girls were crying, and trying to hide that fact from each other, and not doing very well. 

“Lilac, I’m  _ tired.”  _ Violet said, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. “Where is everyone?” 

“I dunno.” 

“Are we still going to the stores?” 

“Not til we find Nick and Klaus.” 

“I want Mother and Father!” 

“Stop whining! We’re- we’re gonna be fine!” 

Lilac pulled her onto an empty bench, and they sat a moment, looking out at the passing crowd. Violet curled up, hugging her knees as she tried to stop crying, while Lilac nervously said, “The boys should st-still be here. They should… they wouldn’t have wandered off…” 

“Are we lost?” Violet asked. 

“No.” Lilac lied. 

“Are we never gonna see Mother and Father again?” 

“No!” 

“Are we gonna have to live on the street?” 

“No! No, we’re gonna be fine!” Lilac said quickly. “We just need to find Klaus and Nick. I… I’ve gotta find them. I’m in charge. I’ve gotta find them-” 

“We’re not gonna split up?” 

“No! No, we’ll be fine…” 

Lilac glanced to the side, and then froze. 

“Lilac?” 

“That guy’s staring at us.” 

Violet turned, following her gaze to a guy standing a few feet away, watching them. 

“Maybe he can help?” Violet said. 

Lilac shrugged, grabbing Violet’s hand as the man started to approach. “We can ask, but remember what Mom said about strangers.” 

Violet whimpered and put her head on Lilac’s shoulder, trying not to look at the adult as he finally reached them. 

“Are you children lost?” he said. 

“Um…” Lilac said, not sure how to answer. Violet continued to cry, curling up some more against her sister. “Kinda? Our brothers and parents are here somewhere, though.” 

“Do you want me to help find them?” 

“That would be nice.” Lilac smiled a little. “I’m Lilac Baudelaire, this is Violet.” 

“I wanna go home.” Violet cried. 

“We were supposed to transfer trains home, but I’m not sure if we’ll be on time.” Lilac said. 

“Well, I didn’t realize this was a sad occasion.” 

Violet let out a loud cry, and Lilac quickly said, “W-well, it’s… we’re gonna find em!” 

“I’m sure you will. Why don’t you come with me to the conductors? They’ll know what to do.” 

“Good idea.” Lilac nodded. She knew she wasn’t supposed to go anywhere with strangers, but this man wanted to help, right? And they were just going to the conductors, it wasn’t like they were leaving the station. “Come on, Vi.” 

“I don’t wanna go.” Violet said. “Li, I want Mother and Father and Nick and Klaus.” 

“We’re gonna find em. Come on, get up.” 

Lilac pulled Violet to her feet, and said, “Thank you for helping, sir. Which way are the conductors?” 

The man gestured, and the girls followed him, still clinging to each other. Violet kept sniffling and holding tight to Lilac, who was just trying to keep up with the man. They walked down a few bends, looking for like they were heading for the storefronts than the front of the trainyard, but maybe Lilac was just bad with directions. 

She glanced down, and narrowed her eyes. His socks had fallen a little, and it almost looked like he had the tip of a tattoo on his ankle. She stared down, trying to guess what it was, before she heard a shout that very much scared her. 

_ “No!”  _

Lilac turned just in time to see her Mother grab her and Violet and push them behind her. Lilac gasped, just as her Father grabbed them by the arms and started to run. 

“Dad!” Lilac shouted. “What-” 

“Father!” Violet cried, just happy to finally see him. 

Bertrand didn’t say anything, just dragging his daughters out the doors. Lilac caught sight of the storefronts that they’d been planning to head to, and saw Nick and Klaus sitting outside with another man, watching with curiosity and a bit of fear. 

Bertrand pulled the girls farther from the station, and then knelt in front of them. “Are you okay?” he asked. “What happened?” 

“We- we’re fine.” Lilac began. 

“Father! I missed you!” Violet said, moving forwards to hug him. 

But she stopped short when Bertrand said, “What were you  _ thinking?”  _

Lilac stared at him. “We- we were trying to find you and Nick and Klaus.” 

“Lilac! You  _ never  _ go  _ anywhere _ with strangers! We’ve told you that-” 

“But he wanted to help!” 

“No, he didn’t!” Bertrand said, grabbing their shoulders. “That man didn’t want to help you, do you understand? He just said he did so that you’d follow him.” 

Lilac’s eyes widened in horror, and then she started to cry, too. She’d almost gotten her and Violet hurt! How could she be so dumb? 

“Girls, if you ever get separated from us,” he said, “You  _ stay put  _ and wait for us to find you, and you don’t go with  _ anyone else.  _ Do you understand? Do you  _ understand?”  _

Violet nodded quickly, and Lilac said, “I’m sorry, Daddy. I just… I just…” 

Bertrand’s gaze softened, and he quickly pulled them into a very tight hug. “It’s alright.” he said quietly. “It’s okay, you’re safe now. We’re here. We’re here, and we’re going to protect you, okay?” The door opened again, and Bertrand pulled away. “Bea, is-” 

The girls turned to see their Mother come out, looking a little winded. “Everything’s fine.” she said quickly. “But we should really be getting home.” She turned again to the man who was standing by Nick and Klaus, who started to walk them forwards. “Thank you again.” 

“It’s really not a problem.” the man said. “You kids take care of yourselves, okay?” 

“Thank you, sir.” Klaus said, and nodded. 

“Mommy?” Lilac turned towards Beatrice. “Mom, I’m sorry, I should’ve…” 

Beatrice knelt down to hug her and Violet, too. “It’s alright.” she said. “We can talk about it at home, okay? But right now we have to get on the train, or we’ll have to wait for the next one. You two hold onto me; boys, hold on to your father. We’re not getting split up ever again, okay?” 

They nodded, and Beatrice shared a silent look with Bertrand, and he nodded. “Never again.” he agreed. 

Lilac had barely remembered that day. It had just been a scary incident, nothing more. 

But now they’d split up again. First their parents had perished in a terrible fire, while the children were at Briny Beach. And then while they were in Count Olaf’s awful custody, he’d taken Solitude and Sunny and kept them in a cage, threatening to drop them if Lilac didn’t marry him. Threatening to… to hurt her other siblings if she didn’t. They’d only barely escaped. 

_ They fuck you up, your Mom and Dad.  _

Then Klaus had been taken away and hypnotized, and his siblings hadn’t even done anything to stop it. They’d let him be hypnotized, and people had almost died. Hell, someone  _ did _ die, even if she was evil. Lilac should’ve been watching Klaus, she should’ve kept him from breaking his glasses and getting hypnotized over and over. 

_ They may not mean to, but they do.  _

Then Count Olaf and Esme Squalor had taken Nick, they’d taken him away and done horrible things, and now he was barely the same person. He could barely even look anyone in the eye, he kept freezing up… it was her fault. She should’ve protected him better. 

_ They fill you with the faults they had.  _

And then in the Hospital, Olaf had taken Violet. He’d almost had her killed, and they were just lucky that nothing else horrible had happened to her. She’d kept Lilac from protecting her, decided to be the protector instead. Lilac was still trying to figure that out. 

_ And add some extra, just for you.  _

And now Sunny was gone. They’d taken Sunny, and the rest of the Baudelaires were tumbling down a slope in a caravan, screaming and throwing things to each other and trying to fix it. 

Violet thought she could fix it. 

But this was yet another time they’d been split up. Yet another time they were all in danger. And Lilac realized, as they fell, that maybe she couldn’t do anything about it. Maybe, even if they survived this, they would  _ always _ be in danger. 

Maybe she couldn’t fix it. 

She used to believe there was always something, always something that could solve all their problems. 

Maybe she was wrong. 


	2. in which Violet saves everyone's asses

**CHAPTER TWO**

_ in which Violet saves everyone’s asses _

“Everyone stay calm and help me!” Violet shouted. 

The Baudelaire siblings were falling, but it was okay. They could fix it. They _ had _to fix it. They had to fix it and save Sunny. 

Klaus jumped to his feet, nodding, as Lilac stumbled back, running to grab onto Nick, who was clinging as tight as he could to Solitude. Lilac, the oldest of the six children as well as the most goth, would probably be a great help to Violet right now; she could use a mechanic while they were falling down a slope in a caravan to certain doom, but she didn’t look very focused at all. She often reminded them it was her responsibility to take care of them all, and now that Sunny had been captured, she looked about as distraught as she’d been when Nick and Violet had been taken away. 

Violet grabbed her ribbon, ripping it off her wrist and tying back her hair as fast as she could. She couldn’t be distracted by something as trivial as her hair while she was trying to save all their lives with some sort of invention- Lilac may be a mechanic, fixing everything she could, but Violet was an inventor; she made things from scratch and made things better. And right now she needed to make something to save their sorry asses. 

She took a quick look at the hammocks still on the wall, and said, “I need you to help me get those down!” 

“Shouldn’t we make a brake?” Klaus asked. 

“The wheels are spinning too fast for a brake!” Violet said. “We need to make a drag chute! Nick, hold onto Soli, we don’t want her falling in this caravan!” 

Nick didn’t seem to hear her, but he did cling very tight onto his little sister, who was screaming into his sweater. Nick was the older of the two twin boys, and he, normally, was quite the daredevil and explorer, and it used to be almost impossible to get him to stay still or listen to instructions. But recently, after his extended captivity under the control of Count Olaf and Esme Squalor, he had become more quiet, more prone to fearful tears, and much more secretive. His siblings didn’t quite know all that had happened to him, and they were starting to think that they did not want to. 

Klaus, the other twin, was more of a researcher than any form of inventor or athlete, but he managed to run over to the hammocks, pulling them down as he shouted, “Drag chute?” 

“Parachutes that show racecars down!” Violet replied, grabbing the hammocks from him and shouting, “Lilac, can you help me with tying?” Lilac didn’t respond, instead just clinging to Nick and Solitude. “Alright, okay! Klaus, find something sticky.” 

In Lilac and Nick’s arms, Solitude let out a wail. She was a toddler at the moment, who had quite the interest in herpetology, which was a very useful interest that unfortunately was not good at stopping a falling caravan. Inside her pocket was her pet, Babbitt, who was very startled and kept chirping and leaning up against her in the hopes of calming her down. Solitude had been very attached to Nick since they’d helped him escape from Count Olaf, and now it looked like she might never let go of him again. 

Klaus nodded and ran to a large cupboard, throwing it open and digging through. He felt a cold rush as he ran through all the kitchen ingredients; their youngest sister, Sunny, only barely a toddler, had recently graduated from an interest in biting to an interest in cooking, but now she was in danger. Count Olaf had captured her, and was trying to kill her siblings so that she would be the only inheritor of the Baudelaire fortune. She must have been so frightened. 

“Klaus, you find anything?” 

“Um, lots of sticky things.” Klaus said. “What do you need?” 

_ “All of them! _ Mix them together, _ now!” _

Klaus grabbed a pitcher and began pouring everything in. They lurched around some kind of bend, and Solitude screamed, very loudly, _ “Fuck!” _

“Lilac, get up and help me!” Violet screamed. 

Finally, Lilac released Nick, looking up with shock. Then she ran forwards, helping Violet tie the hammocks together. 

“Klaus!” Violet shouted. “When I say the word, Lilac and I are going to throw the drag chute out the window, and I want you pouring that slime out the other window. Hopefully it should interfere with the wheels, and the drag chute will slow down the caravan enough to save us!” 

“We’re just going to through the chute out the window?” 

“No, you idiot! We’re tying it to the doorknob first!” 

Lilac glanced at Violet. “Devil’s tongue knot?” 

Violet shook her head. “We’re using the Sumac knot.” 

“I don’t know that one.” 

“That’s cause I invented it.” 

_ “I don’t know how to tie a knot you invented!” _

“Just watch me!” 

Violet and Lilac ran towards the doorknob, and Violet started to tie, Lilac quickly following her example. 

“Klaus, _ now!” _Violet shouted. 

Klaus poured the slime out the window, and the sisters threw the caravan door open, tossing the drag chute into the wind. They all froze a moment, terrified, and then the hammocks swelled behind the caravan, slowing them down considerably. The sticky mixture hit the wheels, immediately causing it to slow more. 

“It’s working!” Klaus cheered. 

“We’re not done yet.” Violet said, running to the table by the side of the caravan. “Now that the wheels are slowing down, we can use this as a brake.” 

“What?” Klaus said, but Lilac caught on quickly. She and Violet grabbed the table by its legs and dangled it out of the caravan so that it dragged on the ground. There was a loud scraping, and Lilac and Violet had to hold tight for several minutes as the caravan continued to slow, until it finally, with a _ creak, _stopped altogether. 

“We did it.” Violet said. 

“You did it.” Lilac said quietly. 

Violet glanced around. Nick and Solitude were still clinging to each other, eerily quiet, which she did not think was a good sing. She stood up and looked at Klaus. “Okay,” she said, “Gather whatever might be useful.” 

Klaus nodded, and Lilac said, “Useful?” 

“To rescue Sunny.” Violet said. “Move your ass.” 

Lilac stared at her in wonder for a second, and then she nodded and started running. 

“Nick,” Klaus said, “Do you remember where the headquarters are from the map?” 

Slowly, Nick looked up, and nodded. 

Violet climbed over towards her brother, holding out her hand. “Come on, stand up.” she said. “Once we get out of this caravan, we’ll wipe our stupid makeup off.” 

“It’ll be cold.” Lilac said quickly. “So we’ll need coats. I think there’s some still here.” 

“Grab whatever you can, and then hurry out.” Violet said. “We’ll need to take stock of where we are; besides, the caravan might start moving again.” 

“No!” Solitude said, as if her pure stubbornness could prevent physics from working. 

“I’ll help Nick out.” Violet said. “You two grab everything.” 

She took Nick’s hand and led him out of the caravan, jumping onto the steep mountain path. Nick quickly sat on the road, still clutching the toddler, who was hugging him and muttering, either to him or Babbitt or both. Violet moved slightly, and then called, “Um, you’re gonna want to hurry outta there.” 

“Why?” Klaus asked nervously. 

Violet peered around the caravan. “We stopped right in front of a fucking cliff, that’s why.” 

Behind the caravan was a split path. One led only a few feet before a large drop-off that Violet could tell fell quite a ways. The other path led to a dark, churning stream that Violet realized was probably very deep. They were lucky that they’d stopped on time; either way the caravan went, they would have died. 

“Son of a…” Lilac muttered, and after a second, her and Klaus climbed out, both carrying piles of possibly useful items in their arms. 

They jumped out, and as soon as they hit the ground, they heard an ominous creak. The siblings turned and stared as the caravan started to roll back. 

“Shit.” Klaus said, as it fell down the left path, going right off the cliff. 

There were several silent seconds before the crash, as the caravan was slowed by the drag chute. However, the Baudelaires knew that it would be absolutely no use to them now. 

“Okay, put the items on the ground.” Violet said. “Klaus, Nick, Soli, you get started on rubbing your makeup off.” 

“Shouldn’t we keep it on for disguises?” Klaus asked. 

“Our disguises are useless now.” Violet said. “Lilac, help me take inventory.” 

Lilac took a deep breath and then dropped to her knees, sorting everything into piles. Violet joined her, as she tossed the boys makeup wipes and they got to work cleaning their faces, before helping Solitude. Nick quickly unbraided the rubber snakes from her hair, which had been helping her impersonate a gorgon, while Klaus wiped her face. 

“Okay,” Lilac said, shivering slightly, “We have quite a few coats, a butterknife, a handmirror, a pitcher, a wool poncho, a _ Caligari Carnival _sweater, and a ukulele.” 

“Perfect.” Nick finally spoke, looking over at them as he untangled a snake and tossed it to the ground. “We can sing while we die.” 

“We’re not going to die.” Violet said. “And don’t throw those snakes away. Who knows what we’re going to need?” 

“Here, you guys can use the wipes.” Klaus said, tossing the case at his sisters. “We’re done.” 

Lilac took a wipe, starting to rub off the false tattoos on her arm. She blew a hair out of her face; still powdered in a bright color, her hair had fallen from her buns, though they still remained tied, now making her look like she’d decided to wear pigtails. Violet took a wipe and got to work on the false burn on her face, as Nick and Klaus walked over, Nick still tightly gripping Solitude’s hand as she toddled after them, still softly crying. 

“Is Babbitt okay?” Violet asked carefully, and Soli nodded as her frog hopped to her shoulder, chirping helpfully. 

“I think,” Lilac said, “Someone should wear the sweatshirt and poncho, because it’s cold- Violet, you definitely take one, you’re still in a hospital gown and Klaus’s coat.” 

“Soli should have the poncho.” Violet said, taking the sweatshirt and flipping it inside-out- she really didn’t feel like advertising Caligari Carnival at the moment. “These coats won’t fit her, the poncho can function as a blanket. I’ll take the knife, too.” 

Lilac bit her lip. “Okay. Everyone else, take a coat. We can put the snakes in the pitcher- it’s still a bit sticky, but it doesn’t really matter. Someone carry the ukulele, worst case scenario we could use it to start a fire. Someone take the handmirror, too. Nick, you said you know where we should be going?” 

“We can… follow the river.” Nick said quietly. “It begins at the center of the mountains, where the Headquarters are located. If we follow the river away from the ocean, we’ll reach it.” 

“How long will that take?” Lilac asked. 

Nick shrugged. 

“Sunny?” Solitude asked, sniffling a little. 

“Olaf sounded like he wanted to kill our surviving parent, too.” Violet said, throwing on the sweatshirt before grabbing a coat. “So he’ll be headed there. Hopefully we’ll be able to reach it before he does, and then we could find help to rescue Sunny.” 

“Do…” Klaus hesitated, putting an arm around Nick and holding him very close, “Do you think that one of our parents might actually be there?” 

Lilac bit her lip, and Violet said, “There’s no way to know.” 

Klaus stared hard at the ground. “Which one do you think survived?” 

They all fell completely silent. 

“Let’s get moving.” Lilac said. “Before it gets too dark.” 


	3. in which Sunny cusses quite a bit

**CHAPTER THREE **

_ in which Sunny cusses quite a bit _

“The baby won’t stop biting!” Esme shouted. 

“Well, put her in the glove compartment!” said Olaf, taking a swig from a bottle. 

Sunny let out a feral hiss and flipped them all off. 

She was  _ not _ pleased to be here in the slightest, and she made absolutely certain that everybody around her was aware of this fact. They’d been driving for quite some time, and she was very proud of the fact that she had annoyed the shit out of all of the other passengers. The White-Faced Women were leaning against the window, while the Hook-Handed Man gave her a sympathetic glance and her former coworkers, sitting on the floor underneath the seats, covered their ears and groaned. 

“Fuck you!” Sunny cheered again. “Weiss!” That last word meant something like,  _ “Violet’s going to invent something that’ll kill you!”  _ She had no doubt that her siblings had escaped their predicament, just like she had no doubt they would find one of their parents at Headquarters, and they would solve everything. 

“She won’t fit.” Esme groaned, opening the glove compartment, only to see several costumes shoved in. 

“Nin!” Sunny shouted, which meant,  _ “Lilac will strangle you with her ribbon!”  _

“Can’t we just throw her out the window?” Esme asked. 

“Esme, we need her for her fortune!” Olaf reminded her. “Besides, it’s dangerous to throw things out of car windows.” 

He then immediately rolled down the car window and threw out his now empty bottle. 

“Nat!” Sunny said, which meant,  _ “Solitude will set venomous reptiles on you!”  _

“Are we there yet?” the Hook-Handed Man asked. “The kid’s threats are starting to make me nervous.” 

“She’s a baby, hooky.” Olaf said. “She can’t hurt you.” 

“Hyn!”  _ “No, but Klaus can!”  _

“And we won’t reach headquarters for a while.” Olaf said. “But I know a decent camping spot in a few miles. We can stop at Mount Fraught before we set fire to the Valley of Four Drafts.” 

“Mount Fraught will be cold this time of year.” Kevin said. 

“It’s almost False Spring, it’ll be fine.” Olaf shrugged. 

“Once we burn down Headquarters,” Esme said, “We’ll be looking for the Sugar Bowl, won’t we?” 

“Yes, dear,” Olaf said, tiredly, “We’ll find your precious sugar bowl.” 

“You know it’s not just precious to me, Olaf! It’s incredibly important! It-” 

“Not in front of the prisoner!” 

Sunny leaned over and bit Esme’s finger. 

“Ow! You stupid brat!” Esme groaned. 

“Bitch!” Sunny shouted back. 

“Ugh, children do nothing but complain.” said one of the White-Faced Women. 

“Yes.” said her sister. “Remember the Quagmires? They complained when we had them in the trunk, then in the cage, then the fountain.” 

“We eventually got them to shut up.” Esme said. “And we got her horrible brother to stop being such a nuisance, no thanks to the lot of you. Olaf and I had to do that messy business ourselves, and while it was quite enjoyable, you know how much we hate actually working.” 

Sunny opened her mouth, about to add a threat that Nick would slaughter them all, only to remember, with a jolt, that Nick wasn’t quite in the mood to fight. That still startled her quite a bit; she’d never known Nick to  _ not _ want to fight someone. This new… this behavior he had at the moment was foreign to her, and incredibly scary. 

_ Could that happen to me?  _

_ No. No, my siblings will find me first.  _

She glanced into the backseat, to see that the Hook-Handed Man actually did look a bit uncomfortable. She wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing, but she was snapped out of her thoughts when Colette said, “Are we going to pitch tents for camping? I’m pretty good at that!” 

“Oh, no, we’ll just make the baby do that for us.” Olaf said. “Infant servants are pretty useful.” 

“Which tent will she sleep in?” Hugo asked. 

“Not ours!” a White-Faced Woman said. “I hear babies steal your breath while you sleep!” 

“There’s a casserole dish she can sleep in.” Olaf said. 

“Will that be safe?” Esme asked. “You just said we need her alive.” 

“There’s holes she can breathe through, and the lid can protect her from snow gnats.” 

“What are snow gnats?” Kevin asked. 

“Annoying insects that travel in packs.” Olaf shrugged. 

“Swarms.” Sunny corrected. 

“See, there she goes in her stupid foreign language.” Esme said. 

“Actually, she said-” the Hook-Handed Man began. 

“Nobody cares!” Olaf said. 

“I do.” Hugo said kindly. “I think it’s very interesting.” 

“It’s not.” Olaf said. “And if you freaks want to remain employed here, you’ll learn to accept that I am always right.” 

“Wrong.” Sunny said, and then she bit Esme again. 

The Baudelaires walked by the river for several hours in silence. They carried the coats at first, before eventually passing them around to wear. Violet had three, to cover her hospital gown, and Solitude was wrapped in the poncho like a burrito, carried by Nick while she muttered to Babbitt. 

“Will Babbitt be alright in this cold?” Klaus asked. 

“Their species can completely freeze over in cold temperatures.” Solitude assured him. “So they may stop moving, almost look dead, but they’ll be alright, and they’ll unfreeze when we get somewhere warm. We’ll have to catch them up on whatever happens.” 

“Are they frozen now?” Lilac asked, hugging her coat tightly around her. 

Solitude shook her head. “Under the poncho, they’re fine. But they could freeze any time.” 

Nick hugged her a little, and Violet said, “Do you think we’ll find somewhere warm to sleep? It’s getting a little dark.” 

“There were lots of caves on the maps, where bears hibernate.” Klaus said. “Hopefully there aren’t any bears right now. Nick, you remember where they are?” 

Nick nodded, still hugging Soli very close. 

Lilac looked up, and then said, “Um, guys? What’s that?” 

They looked up, to see what looked like an ominous cloud of tiny, white buzzing objects heading towards them. 

Klaus considered. “I remember reading about mountainous insect life, but I can’t quite remember.” 

“Try to remember, please.” Violet said. 

“Those are snow gnats.” Nick said. “They live in cold mountain areas and have been known to group themselves into well-defined shapes.” 

“They seem to be heading this way.” Violet said. “Are they harmless?” 

Klaus considered. “I’m trying to remember… oh! Yeah, they’re ill-tempered and enjoy stinging people for no reason whatso-  _ ow!”  _

The snow gnats had reached the Baudelaires, and they all let out cries as they were swiftly stung. The children started to run, with everyone but Nick, who was still holding onto Soli, waving their arms to try and shoo them away. 

“Are the stings poisonous?” Lilac asked. 

“Mildly!” Klaus said. “We should be fine so long as we don’t get stung too much- OW!” 

“How do we- SHIT!- get rid of them?” Lilac asked, as they quickened their pace considerably. 

“They don’t like fire!” Nick said, clutching Solitude to his chest so that she could get as few stings as possible. “Even the smell of smoke drives them away!” 

“Smoke?” Violet shouted. “How are we supposed to get  _ smoke _ out here?” 

Lilac grabbed the last coat, and said, “At least cover your faces! Don’t- ow!- let them sting- ow! Shit!” 

The Baudelaires followed her instructions, covering their faces with their coats, and as Solitude slowly moved her head to peer around, she shouted, “There!” 

Distantly, they could see a very thin cloud of smoke. Not enough to be worrying, but enough that the Baudelaires sighed with relief. “Thank fuck. Everyone move!” Violet said. 

They ran towards the smoke, and as they got closer, the snow gnats began to dissipate, until the Baudelaires were standing outside the entrance to a small cave, and the insects had all fled. 

“Let’s go in.” Lilac said. “Hopefully they won’t follow us.” 

“Hopefully we don’t awaken a hibernating animal.” Klaus said. 

They stepped inside, and as their eyes adjusted to the dark, they could see the distant shapes of several small figures around a campfire, flickering softly in the damp area. One of the figures approached, and as she did, the Baudelaires very much wished they had taken their chances with the snow gnats. 

“Oh, fuck.” Nick said. 

“Hello, cakesniffers!” said Carmelita Spats. “What are  _ you _ doing here?” 

Sunny sat on the ice, poking at it with a stick. 

Thankfully, she’d figured out quite quickly how to pitch a tent; it was very similar to the blanket forts Lilac used to make for them. The adults had left her alone for quite some time, preferring to discuss how exactly they would burn down VFD Headquarters, so she wandered over to the frozen waterfall. She’d never seen one before, and she could tell that the river was frozen enough to stand on, because she’d thrown rocks to see if she could break the ice. 

She wondered if she could break through the frozen water with her stick, and maybe wash up a little. She was still covered in dirt from the Carnival, and she was starting to feel like she’d rather look like herself than a wolf baby, as her disguise wasn’t useful anymore. 

“Hey, baby!” 

Sunny glanced over her shoulder to see the Hook-Handed Man approaching. He knelt in front of her, holding out a small, toddler-sized coat and outfit in his hooks. 

“I made you this.” he said. “Count Olaf would be very displeased if you were to freeze to death before he could get your fortune.” 

Sunny wasn’t entirely sure how to respond; true, she was very cold, but it wasn’t as if this man was her ally. 

“What are you doing?” he asked. 

In response, Sunny pounded the ice again. 

The Hook-Handed Man watched her a moment, and then he handed her the outfit and slammed the ice with his hook. It broke open, and Sunny could see the cold water underneath. 

He smiled over at her, and hesitantly, she smiled back. 

“You’ve, uh, got something on your face.” he said, laughing slightly.  _ “Chabo.”  _

Sunny giggled, and hugged the outfit to herself. It felt very warm and comfortable. “Tank you.” she said. 

“Oh, don’t say that.” the Hook-Handed Man said, straightening up. “I’m your captor, and you’re my prisoner.” 

Sunny giggled, and then repeated, “Tank you!” 

“Don’t say that so  _ loud!” _ the henchman glanced towards the tents. “I better go before the boss realizes I’m gone. Don’t drown out here, alright?” 

“Inmergo.” Sunny said.  _ “Of course not, I can’t die before my siblings find me.”  _

He gave her a skeptical look, and then left. Sunny sighed and dipped her hands into the water, shivering in the cold. She brought the water to her face, wiping off some of the dirt. She glanced at her reflection in the ice. 

There. She looked a bit more like herself. 

Now her parents would be able to recognize her. 

That night, as Sunny slept in the casserole dish, shivering in the cold and pulling the coat the Hook-Handed Man had made for her tighter around her, she wondered how warm her siblings were. 

_ I’m sure Violet and Lilac made something to save them. And Nick and Klaus know these mountains, and Solitude can use Babbitt to track me- can frogs track? Babbitt certainly seems very good at finding things.  _

Sunny wished she could see the stars; though she’d never been camping before, her Mother and Nick had told her once that the best part of sleeping outside was the unobstructed view of the stars. But then she’d be colder, and she didn’t want to freeze before her siblings could get to her. 

She wondered what was going to happen. They’d be here soon, surely, but… she still worried. It’d taken them a while to find Nick- no, no, that was just because they had to stay with Mr Poe. Her siblings couldn’t be far behind. They’d find her. They always would. 

She thought of Nick again, and how scared he’d been recently. She hoped that whatever had happened to him went away, and he could be brave again, brave enough to help his siblings find her, and find VFD. And she hoped that her siblings weren’t too worried about her. She could take care of herself fine. 

What would her siblings say if they were with her now? Solitude would let her play with Babbitt, to calm her down. Klaus and Nick would tell her stories, or read to her a little. Violet would try to invent something to get them out, or to make them warmer. And Lilac… Lilac would hold her, and tell her everything would be alright. And then she’d sing to her. 

Slowly, Sunny sat up and pushed the lid of the casserole dish aside. And even though the cold wind hit her, it was worth it. 

“You were right.” Sunny whispered, looking up at the bright, shining stars. 

And, quietly, she began to hum. 


	4. in which the Baudelaires join the Snow Scouts

**CHAPTER FOUR **

_ in which the Baudelaires join the Snow Scouts _

“Son of a bitch.” Violet muttered under her breath. 

“What are you cakesniffers doing here?” Carmelita said, crossing her arms. “This is a private cave!” 

A man came over from the fire, wearing a mask; in fact, basically all of the figures around the fire were. “Who are you talking to, Carmelita?” 

“Some cakesniffers in our cave!” 

“We’re mountain travelers.” Lilac said quickly. “We just needed a place to hide from the snow gnats.” 

“You cakesniffers look ridiculous!” Carmelita said. “Why are your faces all covered up?” 

“To protect us from snow gnats.” Klaus said honestly. 

The man said, “Oh, well, you can use some of our spare masks, they’ll keep the snow gnats away when you go back outside. You all look very worn out- we have some extra outfits, too, if any of you will fit in them.” 

“That would be amazing.” Violet said, shivering still. “Thank you.” 

“You can call me Uncle Bruce.” he said. “Though, of course, I’m not really your uncle. You can stay a little while if you-” 

“Uncle Bruce! This is a private cave!” Carmelita groaned. 

“Now, Carmelita, we must be accommodating.” said Bruce, as the Baudelaires rushed towards the masks, shoving them on as disguises, before trying to find said extra outfits. “After all, Snow Scouts are-” 

The children around the fire, all wearing masks, began to recite. 

“Accommodating, basic, calm, darling, emblematic, frisky, grinning, human, innocent, jumping, kept, limited, meek, nap-loving, official, pretty, quarantined, recent, scheduled, tidy, understandable, victorious, wholesome, xylophone, young, and zippered, every morning, every afternoon, every night, and all day long!” 

The Baudelaires stared. 

“That can’t be your pledge.” Lilac said. 

“Um, it is.” said Carmelita, taking back her spot by the fire and putting on a mask. “It’s been our pledge  _ forever, _ and we never ever change it, just like we never ever change anything.” 

“That seems like it could lead to a lot of problems.” Klaus said. 

“Of course it doesn’t, you’re just a stupid cakesniffer.” Carmelita said. 

The Baudelaires looked over the masks, carefully putting them on. There wasn’t one that would fit Solitude, but she just shrugged and pulled the poncho over her face, to kind-of function as a disguise. 

_ “Carmelita.”  _ said Bruce. He turned to them and said, “Why don’t you join us for a bit? We’re the Snow Scouts- an organization for young people to have fun and learn new things. Right now we’re on a Snow Scout Hike, going up to Mount Fraught to celebrate False Spring.” 

Lilac gestured for Violet to take a spare outfit and find somewhere to change, as she’d need to get something warm on as soon as possible, while Klaus and Nick sat by the fire, Solitude curling up against her brother’s chest. “What’s False Spring?” she asked, glancing over. 

“Anybody who’s not a  _ cakesniffer  _ knows what False Spring is!” Carmelita said. “It’s when the weather gets unusually warm before going cold again. We celebrate with a fancy dance where we spin around and around the Springpole. When the dance is over, we choose the best Snow Scout and crown her the False Spring Queen. This time, it’s me. In fact, it’s  _ always _ me.” 

“That’s because Uncle Bruce is actually your uncle.” said a Snow Scout. 

“No, it’s not!” Carmelita huffed. “It’s because I am the most accommodating, basic, calm, darling, emblematic, frisky, grinning, human, innocent, jumping, kept, limited, meek, nap-loving, official, pretty, quarantined, recent, scheduled, tidy, understandable, victorious, wholesome, xylophone, young, and zippered.” 

“How can anyone be xylophone?” Klaus asked, as Lilac sat beside him, re-tying up her skirts so it would be easier to move. “It’s not an adjective.” 

“Nobody could think of another X word.” said a masked Snow Scout in a sweater, looking very curious as he faced the siblings. 

“Well, maybe if you thought of one-” Nick said. 

“You can’t change the words of the Snow Scout Alphabet Pledge.” Bruce interrupted, and Nick flinched back, hugging Soli tight. “The whole point of the Snow Scouts is that you do the same thing over and over.” 

“That’s why we’re in this cave.” Carmelita said. “Every year, we stop here for Snow Scout Story Time.” 

“The caves of the Mortmain Mountains contain hibernating animals.” Klaus said. 

“Are you sure it’s safe here?” Lilac asked, glancing over her shoulder, to where Violet was changing behind a rock. 

The sweatered scout turned quickly toward the Bauelaires, as if he was going to answer, but Bruce said, “It’s safe now, kid. Years ago, these mountains were crawling with intelligent bears. They were so smart they were trained as soldiers, but then they disappeared and nobody knows why.” 

“Not bears!” the sweatered scout said. “Lions. Lions lived in these caves. And they were detectives, not soldiers.” He turned towards the Baudelaires, and very intentionally said, “Volunteer Feline Detectives.” 

“Did you say-” Lilac began, as Solitude let out a quiet gasp, and Nick immediately clutched her closer and scooted back. 

She was interrupted by Violet coming back out, now huddled in a large coat and pants, strapping on thick gloves. “Thank you, Bruce.” she said kindly, still adjusting her mask. “I’m afraid I wasn’t dressed for the cold.” 

“Why not? You’re on the Mountains in winter.” a Scout asked. 

“It’s a long story.” Lilac said, as Violet sat beside her. 

“We don’t have time for  _ your _ story.” Carmelita said. “It’s Snow Scout Story Time, so the Snow Scouts get to talk, and I should go first because I’m False Spring Queen.” 

“But our travelers probably have an interesting story.” the Sweatered Scout said. “I’d love to hear a Very Fascinating Drama.” 

The Baudelaires turned to each other, minds whirling. Then Violet said, “Well, it’s difficult to tell. We haven’t had a Very Fun Day.” 

“I didn’t realize this was a sad occasion.” the sweatered scout replied. 

“Oh, yes.” Klaus said. “Those snow gnats behaved like Violent Frozen Dragonflies.” 

“Guys…” Nick whispered, but none of them heard him. 

“When they form an arrow,” Lilac said, “They look like a Voracious Fierce Dragon.” 

“Boring.” Carmelita said. “Skip to the interesting parts!” 

“Yes… well, our story is full of Vastly Frightening Danger.” Lilac said. 

“And Vain Fashionable Divas.” Violet said. “It really as a… Very Fascinating Drama.” 

“That sounds like an interesting story. I love interesting stories.” the sweatered scout leaned forwards. “Have you read the story of  _ Anna Karenina?” _

Klaus jumped. “Our mother read it to me and my brother, when we were young. She’d stop to explain all the words and themes-” 

_ “Boring!”  _ Carmelita shouted. 

_ “Anna Karenina _ is a classic of Russian Literature!” Klaus shouted. 

“That’s another word for  _ boring.”  _ Carmelita said. “I’ll show you cakesniffers how to tell a story! Once upon a time, I woke up and looked in the mirror, and there I saw the prettiest, smartest, most darling girl in the whole wide world…” 

As her story continued, Nick pulled on Klaus’s sleeve, gesturing that he wanted to talk, but Klaus shook his head; the other Snow Scouts would notice them leaving. The sweatered scout kept watching them, as the hours went on and Uncle Bruce passed around marshmallows, and eventually Klaus snuck off to change into an extra outfit; Lilac and Nick stayed as they were, only grabbing spare coats, and Solitude doubted anything would fit her. Then, after stories, the Snow Scouts laid their sleeping bags around the fire, and the Baudelaires found a corner to hide in, behind another large rock. Lilac spread her bag on the edge of the group, and Solitude curled up beside Nick. They hesitantly took off their masks, and Klaus said, “That sweatered scout, he knows something.” 

“I don’t know.” Nick said, curling up. “VFD isn’t… it’s not… it’s not exactly… our best option.” 

“It’s our  _ only _ option.” Klaus said. “If one of our parents is in VFD Headquarters-” 

“If one of our parents is in VFD Headquarters,” Nick snapped, “Then they didn’t bother coming for us.” 

“Stop talking like that.” Lilac said, hugging her knees. “They might just need some help. They’ll take care of us.” 

“If they’re even alive.” Violet said sadly. 

“They have to be.” Solitude said. 

They were silent for a moment, and then Lilac said, “We should take shifts keeping watch and sleeping.” 

“No need.” Nick said. “I’ll watch.” 

“Nick, you haven’t been getting a lot of sleep.” Klaus said carefully. “Why don’t you just-” 

“I don’t need sleep. I can watch.” 

“Nick.” Lilac said. “You need sleep.” 

Nick shook his head. “I’m _ fine.”  _

“Nick.” Violet reached forwards, putting a hand over his. “What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing’s wrong. I just don’t need sleep.” 

Violet bit her lip. “Are you having nightmares?” 

Nick didn’t answer. 

“Nick, it’s okay. We’ll be right-” 

“No.” 

_ “Nick-”  _

“No!” 

Solitude crawled up, putting her hands on Nick’s face. “Nick needs sleep.” she said. 

Nick shook his head, backing up and moving her to the ground. “I don’t. I’m fine.” 

“Nick, it’s okay if you’re having nightmares.” Lilac said. “We all do-” 

“No.” Nick shook his head. “No, you don’t.” 

“Bad dreams about the fire?” Solitude asked sympathetically. 

“No-” 

“Olaf?” 

Nick shut up again, and he slowly started to scratch his arm. Klaus leaned over to put a hand on his brother’s, but Nick backed up again. “Nick, I’m sorry.” he said. “But-” 

“I’m defenseless.” 

They jumped. “What?” Violet asked. 

Nick hugged himself. “When I sleep. I can’t… I don’t know what’s going on around me, I can’t… I’m thrown off, my guard’s down, I can’t… I can’t fight…” He shut his eyes. “And if I’m… if my nightmares are… if I’m too loud…” 

“I’m sorry.” Lilac said, holding back tears. “Nick, I’m  _ so _ sorry. But I promise, we’ll protect you.” 

“I don’t need  _ protection.”  _ Nick said, his voice breaking. “I just need to… I’ll keep watch.” 

His siblings were silent, looking between themselves, trying to think of something to say. Then Solitude crawled up to him, hugging him, and she said, “For Soli?” 

“What?” 

“Will you sleep if it makes me feel better?” 

Nick froze a moment, looking down at the toddler gripping onto him. “I… Soli, I can’t… I…” he shut his eyes. “You guys weren’t there, you don’t… you don’t  _ know…”  _

Lilac felt her heart sink into her chest, and slowly, she moved towards her brother and gave him a tight hug. 

“I’m sorry.” she said again. “But we’ll keep you safe. You don’t have to do this on your own.” 

She pulled away, and then Violet said, “Do you want to talk about it?” 

Nick bit his lip. “Not… I don’t… you don’t want to know.” 

“We want to help you.” Klaus said. “We want to help you be okay again.” 

“That’s not going to happen.” 

“Nick-” 

“I mean it.” Nick shook his head. “Things can’t ever go back to the way they were. Even if one- or both- of our parents is up there, and they shove Olaf off a cliff and take us home… it’s not going to be the same. We… we know too much.” His siblings remained silent, processing this, as Nick wiped his eyes on his sleeve. “They won’t protect us.” 

“Protect us from what?” Lilac asked. 

Nick looked over at her, opening his mouth to answer, and then he froze, eyes going wide. 

They followed his gaze, to see the sweatered scout had stopped behind them. He looked over the group, seeming a little sheepish. “I’m sorry, did I interrupt something?” he asked, in a quiet voice. 

Nick shook his head, and Violet said, “It’s alright.” She realized none of them were masked, and she shrank back slightly, hoping the shadows could hide her face. 

“Everyone else is asleep.” the sweatered scout said. Then, he said, “Follow me, Baudelaires. I know a shortcut to Headquarters.” 


	5. in which Nick gets to climb something again

**CHAPTER FIVE**

_ in which Nick gets to climb something again _

“How do you know who we are?” Lilac asked, jumping to her feet. 

Her siblings also quickly stood, and the sweatered scout said, “I thought you might be headed this way. And, well, there are five of you. Where’s the other toddler?” 

“Sunny’s been captured by Count Olaf.” Violet said quickly. “Are you VFD?” 

“In a way.” the boy said. “But stay quiet. Bruce is a light sleeper, and if the kids catch us, they’ll either tattle or want to tag along. Come on.” 

He gestured, and Nick quickly said, “How do we know we can trust you?” 

Klaus and Soli both grabbed tightly onto his hands as they all looked to the scout. He watched them for a moment, and then said, “Xenial.” 

“I’m sorry?” Violet said. 

“Xenial is an adjective that starts with _ X,” _ he explained. “It means ‘being welcoming to strangers.’ Having a good vocabulary doesn’t guarantee that I’m a good person, but it does mean I’ve read a lot, and in my experience, well-read people are less likely to be evil.” 

Nick narrowed his eyes. “We may have had some different experiences.” 

“I’m very sorry,” the scout said, “But we don’t have time for this. We need to get to Headquarters quickly.” 

“Take your mask off.” Nick said, slowly picking up Solitude. 

“I can’t. If any of them wake up, I don’t want to be recognized.” 

“Why not?” 

“Nick,” Violet carefully said, “He knows the way to headquarters.” 

“Violet, we can’t-” 

“If he tries anything,” Klaus said, “We’ll protect you. Promise.” 

Nick took a deep breath, looking between all of his siblings. Then he approached the masked scout, stopping just short of him. 

“If you hurt my siblings,” he said, very darkly, “I will kill you, and it will _ not _ be fast.” 

“I understand.” the scout said, not even seeming very concerned, but maybe a little sympathetic. “Now follow me.” 

The Baudelaires glanced to each other, and then slowly followed. 

He led them to the center of the room, slowly stepping over sleeping scouts, before pointing a flashlight from his pocket. He gestured upwards, and the Baudelaires looked up to see a large hole in the ceiling of the cave, wisps of smoke disappearing into it. 

“The official name is Vertical Flame Diversion.” the scout whispered. “It serves as a chimney and secret passageway, running from his cave straight to the valley of four drafts. If we climb up there, we can reach headquarters within hours, instead of hiking up the mountain. There used to be a pole there so people could slide down and hide in this cave during an emergency, but it’s gone now. There should still be carved toeholds on the side.” 

“How do you know that?” Lilac asked, as Nick held tight onto Solitude. 

“I read it.” he said. “In _ The Incomplete History of Secret Organizations.” _

The Baudelaires jumped; most of them hadn’t thought of that book in a long time. Nick started to speak, but they heard a low whisper. They turned, to see Carmelita muttering in her sleep, “Give me those earrings…” 

“We’ll talk when we reach headquarters.” the scout said. “Can you all climb?” 

“Not well.” Klaus said. 

“A little.” Lilac said, while Violet and Nick nodded. “Soli might need help.” 

“There’s some extra rope in our supplies.” the scout said. “We can tie her to someone’s back.” 

“I can do that.” Nick volunteered, before running to find the rope. 

“You should also put your masks back on.” the scout said. “The air will be smokey, but the masks might be able to filter that.” 

“Copy that.” Lilac nodded, rushing to grab their masks. 

Violet walked over to the sweatered scout, putting a hand on his arm. Something about him seemed familiar, though she wasn’t sure what. “Can you really help us?” she asked. 

“Of course.” he said, sounding very soft. “It’s what Volunteers do.” 

Nick returned, and Violet helped him tie Solitude to his back, while the toddler whispered instructions on how to avoid Babbitt in her pocket. Lilac brought their masks over, which they put back on, as Solitude pulled the poncho over her face again. The Sweatered Scout went up first, cautiously climbing his way up to the Vertical Flame Diversion, and then Violet helped pull Klaus up before going up herself. Nick hesitantly followed, after making certain Solitude was very secure, and then Lilac. 

And then, quietly and carefully, they climbed. 

Sunny clambered out of the casserole dish, yawning to herself and pulling her coat over her. She’d just heard the adults yelling, and she’d much rather be prepared for whatever they were doing than hiding in her dish. 

Her former coworkers were chatting with the White-Faced Women, while the Hook-Handed Man tried to fix a fallen tent. Esme must’ve still been in her tent, because Sunny couldn’t see her, but Count Olaf was standing by his henchpeople, barking directions. He turned to see Sunny, and he called, “You! Orphan! You’ll cook breakfast for us! We’ll need the energy to do unspeakable crimes!” 

Sunny gave him a look. “Planka?” she asked, which meant, _ “How am I supposed to cook breakfast on the top of a freezing mountain?” _

“Too bad your brain isn’t as big as your teeth, you dentist’s nightmare.” Olaf said. “You’re talking nonsense, as usual.” 

Sunny paused, staring at him, and then she smiled. “Sneakitawc,” she said, which meant, _ “Of course, because you can’t understand me, I can say anything I want to you, and you’ll have no idea what I’m talking about.” _

The Hook-Handed Man jumped, giving her a look as she giggled and Olaf said, “I’m getting tired of your ridiculous speech impediment.” 

“Brummel,” Sunny said. _ “In my opinion, you desperately need a bath, and your clothing is in shambles.” _

The Hook-Handed Man waved his hooks to try and get her to stop, as Olaf ordered, “Be quiet this instant!” 

“Busheney,” Sunny said. _ “You’re an evil man with no concern whatsoever for other people.” _

“Shut _ up!” _Olaf shouted, and he threw the car keys at her. “Get the groceries out of the trunk of the car and get to work!” 

Sunny paused, picking up the keys. She could probably drive the car herself, but… well, that mountain path looked dangerous. She wouldn’t want to miss a turn and go flying off a cliff. 

She toddled over to the trunk, unlocking the car and flipping it open, hoisting herself up to see what supplies she had. Unfortunately, a thin layer of frost seemed to cover every item, meaning she had to use her sleeves to wipe the ice away; everything was very frozen over. She found a bag of coffee beans and a frozen hunk of spinach, as well as a bag of mushrooms and a completely frozen jug of orange juice. Sunny pushed aside some cold cheese, a can of water chestnuts and an eggplant about her size, she found a jar of boysenberry jam and a loaf of bread. She _ hmm_ed, brushing her bangs out of her face as she considered what she could make with all of this. 

“Olaf!” Esme called, as Sunny pulled the bread to the edge of the trunk. “I need longer to choose what I’m going to wear! It is _ not _ In to burn own a headquarters without wearing a fashionable outfit!” 

“I can’t imagine why you need all this time.” Olaf huffed, as Sunny started dropping ingredients onto the ground. “I usually just wear one outfit for weeks at a time.” 

“Boss!” Hugo called. “I can’t find the soap!” 

“We don’t have any. Why would we?” 

Sunny slowly pulled some cups out, and started chopping the coffee beans with her teeth, combining it with snow to make iced coffee. She walked over to a blanket that had been laid out, presumably for the meal, and put the cups down, before ripping apart the loaf of bread and starting to spread jam. 

“What are you doing, baby?” 

Sunny looked up to see the Hook-Handed Man had stopped just short of her, watching curiously. “Breakfast.” she said. 

“That’s very smart of you.” he said. “I thought for sure you wouldn’t be able to make anything.” 

Sunny brightened, and then said, “Hamo!” which meant something like, _ “I know a way you can help!” _

“Oh, the boss wouldn’t like me to-” 

Sunny held out the mug of orange juice, and said, “Aurantiaco,” which meant, _ “Chip away at the juice until you have shavings, so I can make orange granita.” _

The Hook-Handed Man looked very impressed, and after glancing over his shoulder, he sat down and started chipping. “That’s a good idea.” 

Sunny smiled and shrugged, and once she’d finished with the bread, she ran back to the trunk, pulling out a bouquet of ivy and placing it in an empty cream dish, walking back and placing it down as a centerpiece. She took the orange shavings and started spreading them out. 

“You’re very good at preparing a meal.” the Hook-Handed Man complimented.

Sunny sighed, smiling a little, remembering once when she was small, and had been hanging out in the kitchen with her mother, who was throwing together a salad. Sunny had mostly busied herself dropping a fork onto the floor to see what it sounded like, but he remembered Beatrice Baudelaire saying, “This isn’t a very complicated recipe, Sunny, but if I arrange the salad very nicely on fancy plates, people will think I’ve been cooking all day.” 

“Defero,” Sunny said, repeating what her Mother had said next- _ “Often, when cooking, the presentation of the food can be as important as the food itself.” _

The Hook-Handed Man nodded seriously, and once Sunny had finished arranging, she stepped back and said, “Breakfast!” 

The rest of the troupe approached, and Sunny backed off, smiling slightly, but her face fell as Olaf picked up a cup and yelled, “What is _ this? _It looks like coffee, but it’s freezing cold!” 

“What is this orange stuff?” Esme asked suspiciously. “I want fashionable, in food, not a handful of ice!” 

Colette picked up a piece of bread. “This toast feels raw. Is it safe to eat raw toast?” 

“Of course not.” Hugo said. 

“The baby is trying to poison us!” said a White-Faced Woman. 

“Actually, this coffee isn’t so bad.” Kevin said. “Though it’s a little bitter. Could someone pass the sugar?” 

_ “Sugar?” _Esme screeched. 

Olaf grabbed onto one end of the blanket and pulled as hard as he could, and Sunny ducked as all of her hard work went flying into the air. 

“All the sugar in the world couldn’t save this terrible breakfast!” he shouted. “Orphan! I told you to make a nice, hot breakfast, and you gave me cold, disgusting nonsense! Do you realize how high up we are, you little shit? If I threw you off Mount Fraught, you’d never survive!” 

Sunny shrunk back, but she hissed, “Bull!”

“I don’t have time for your _ nonsense!” _

The Hook-Handed Man, who looked a little uncomfortable, spoke up. “She’s calling your bluff, boss. Says you can’t kill her without losing her fortune.” 

Olaf gave her a cruel look, and Sunny felt even colder than she had before. “Is that so? Well, little orphan,” he took a step forwards, and Sunny tried to move back, only tripping over herself and falling into the snow, “I don’t need to _ kill _ you to punish you. We have ways of making you _ behave. _Didn’t your dear brother tell you what finally got him to shut up?” 

Sunny hissed, and the Hook-Handed Man said, “Boss, I _ really don’t think-” _

“I don’t pay you to think!” Olaf said. 

“You don’t pay me at all.” said the henchman. “But I was just saying, maybe it was difficult for the baby to prepare a hot breakfast without a fire-” 

“Oh,” said a deep, low voice behind them that caused everyone to jump, “But there is a fire.” 

Everybody turned to look behind them, and Sunny instantly detected an aura of menace from the two people now standing behind them, having somehow snuck up on the group without alerting them to their presence. One was a tall man with a beard, but no hair, and the other, who’d spoken, was a woman with hair, but no beard. 

“It’s good to see you, Olaf,” said the sinister woman, stepping forwards, and Sunny scooted back against the car. The woman pulled a wooden toboggan behind her, making an eerie scraping sound against the ground. “We were worried the authorities might have captured you.” 

“You look well,” said the man with a beard but no hair, with a hoarse voice. “It’s been a long time since we’ve laid eyes on one another.” He gave Olaf a wicked grin, and Sunny started to feel very, very scared. 

Olaf wouldn’t meet their eyes, which did not help Sunny’s anxiety; in fact, everyone seemed terrified. “Hello.” he said nervously. “Did you, um, say something about a fire?” 

The woman and man looked to each other and laughed, and Sunny covered her ears with her hands, trying to think about her siblings, and how Lilac and Klaus would be hugging her right now. “Haven’t you noticed that there are no snow gnats around?” the woman said. 

“I just assumed they were no longer in.” said Esme, who seemed to be trembling. 

“Don’t be ridiculous, Esme,” said the man with a beard but no hair. “The gnats aren’t around because they can smell the smoke.” 

“I don’t smell anything.” said Hugo. 

“That’s because you’re not a snow gnat.” replied the woman with hair but no beard. “We did you a favor, Olaf. We… took care of the VFD Headquarters for you.” 

Sunny started, and before she could stop herself, she shouted, “No!” 

The two new adults turned to look at her, and Sunny straightened up then, and tried her best to look brave. 

She tried her best to not look like a baby. 

“The top’s up here.” said the masked scout. “We’re almost out of the woods.” 

The Baudelaires very much doubted that, but they managed to finally push themselves up and into a dark tunnel. It seemed to be some dim hallway with a small grate on the ceiling, but they could all clearly see the Eye etched into the grate. 

The scout helped Klaus up, and then Violet. Nick just pushed himself past him, before untying Solitude and making sure she was alright. Lilac climbed up, moving a bit awkwardly. 

“Are you okay, Li?” Violet asked. 

“Fine.” Lilac said. 

Violet moved to her sister, and then flinched. “Your sleeve’s torn- shit, what happened to your arm?” 

“Just grazed something on the way up. Not a big deal.” 

Violet paused, and then said, “Well, um… we might have matching arm scars now, that’s pretty cool.” 

“Where are we?” Klaus asked, turning to the scout, who was sadly watching the sisters. 

The scout paused, and then gestured to the grate. “That’s where the smoke escapes. Leads to the very center of the Valley of Four Drafts, so the winds scatter the smoke before people can get suspicious and investigate. If a Volunteer needed help, they’d light one of these.” 

He pulled a box from his jacket, pulling out some green tubes. 

“Is that a cigarette?” Lilac asked. 

He shook his head. “Verdant Flammable Devices. It sets off a dark green smoke.” 

“I’ve seen that box before.” Klaus said, standing up and looking shocked. “In Father’s desk. Why would he-” 

Nick huffed. “He was hiding them from us, Klaus. Obviously. Keeping them secret, like everything else in this hellhole.” 

“Everything is secret in VFD.” the scout said sadly. 

“It makes things very difficult.” Lilac said, crossing her arms. “We had to learn the secret location of headquarters from a secret code on a map.” 

“I had to draw my own map.” the Scout reached into his pocket, pulling out a dark purple notebook. “In my commonplace book, I gathered information from The Incomplete History and other books from Dr Montgomery’s study.” 

The Baudelaires jumped. “Monty?” Solitude asked, and they could hear Babbitt let out a muffled, soft chirp from her pocket. 

“Long story.” the scout said. He held out the map and said, “Look here, this passageway branches off in two directions.” 

“This is a really well-drawn map.” Violet said, impressed. 

“Thank you.” the scout replied. “I’ve been interested in cartography for quite some time. But anyway, if we go left, there’s a small area for sled and snowsuit storage. If we go right, we’ll arrive at the Vernacularly Fastened Door, which opens to the Headquarters’ kitchen.” 

“Then let’s go.” Violet said. 

“No!” Nick grabbed Solitude, jumping to his feet. “No, we can’t just-” 

“Nick, one of _ our parents might be there.” _Violet snapped. 

“So could _ anyone else!” _

“We’ll be careful.” Lilac put a hand on Nick’s arm. “We’ll be careful, I _ promise. _But we don’t have anywhere else to go.” 

Nick shut his eyes tight, clutching onto Soli, who gave him a tight, comforting hug. Klaus put his arm around him, and then Violet turned to the scout and said, “Lead the way, mystery boy.” 

The scout hesitantly nodded, and then said, as they walked, “It’ll be safe, I’m sure.” 

Nick didn’t respond, instead just leaning onto Klaus’s shoulder. They started down the hallway, with the scout leading the way. It started to feel colder, and Solitude curled up against her brother and shivered a little, and Lilac grabbed onto Violet’s hand, and Klaus and Nick held each other for a while. And after a minute or two, Violet reached forwards and grabbed the scout’s hand, too, not wanting him to feel left out. The corridor was starting to give off an eerie, powerful feeling, and none of the children wanted to feel alone. 

At last, they reached a large metal door, with a strange device, looking a bit like a spider, where a doorknob should have been. Wires were spread from it, going in all directions, and at the head was a typewriter keyboard. Violet immediately broke away from the others and ran forwards, taking off her mask and pulling her hair back with a ribbon to inspect it. 

“Careful.” the scout said, as Lilac ran forwards to join her. “This is a coded lock. If we don’t operate it properly, we won’t be able to get into the headquarters.” 

“How does it work?” Violet asked, as her siblings also discarded their masks. 

“I’m not sure. I couldn’t read through the pages it had in The Incomplete History.” said the scout, taking out his commonplace book as the other Baudelaires crowded around the lock. “I was more interested in the maps, honestly, and then I lost the book.” 

“Well, it’s called the Vernacularly Fastened Door.” Klaus said. “So it operates on language. Vernacular means ‘a local language or dialect.’” 

“That makes sense.” Violet nodded. “Look how the wires are curled around the hinges. They’re locked in place, unless you type the right sequence of letters on the keyboard.” 

“I know you’re supposed to type out three specific phrases in a row.” the scout said, looking down at his commonplace book. “The phrases change every season, but for right now, the first is the scientist most widely credited with the discovery of gravity.” 

“That’s easy.” Lilac said, and she leaned forwards and typed in S-I-R-I-S-A-A-C-N-E-W-T-O-N, and when she was finished, there was a muted clicking sound, as if the device was warming up. 

“The second is the Latin name for the Volunteer Feline Detectives.” the scout said. “That’s Panthera leo.” 

Violet typed in P-A-N-T-H-E-R-A-L-E-O, and the wires near the hinges began to shake a little. 

“What’s the third phrase?” Klaus asked. 

“I don’t know.” the scout sighed. “Another volunteer told me it’s the central theme of Leo Tolstoy’s _ Anna Karenina, _but I haven’t read it.” 

“We did.” Klaus said, turning to smile at Nick. “Do you remember what Mother told us?” 

Nick stared very hard at the ground as he nodded. “A rural life of moral simplicity, despite its monotony, is the preferable personal narrative to a daring life of impulsive passion, which only leads to tragedy.” 

“That’s a long theme.” the scout said. 

“It’s a long book.” Klaus said, as he began to type. 

He worked very quickly, and as he did, the Baudelaires could see the wires begin to curl and uncurl very quickly, and the door start to quiver. When Klaus finally typed out T-R-A-G-E-D-Y, the children stepped back, waiting. 

The door stopped shaking, and the passageway fell dead quiet. 

“It’s not opening.” Lilac said. 

“Maybe that isn’t the central theme of Leo Tolstoy’s _ Anna Karenina.” _Violet said. 

“It seemed like it was working.” the scout said. 

“Maybe the mechanism is stuck.” Violet said. 

“Maybe a daring life of impulsive passion leads to something other than tragedy.” the scout said. 

“No.” Nick said quietly, and they heard a low rumble. “No, Violet was right. It was just stuck.” 

The door swung open, with a slow and eerie creek. The Baudelaires started up excitedly, only to immediately back up and cough, as smoke filtered into the tunnel. 

“No…” Lilac muttered, as Klaus rushed forwards into the remains of headquarters, and his siblings hastily followed. 

The entire headquarters had gone up in smoke, and as they stepped over ashy debris and burnt pages, they felt their hearts sink to the floor. They had stepped into what used to be a kitchen, which they could only tell due to an overturned, singed table and the remains of what might have been cabinets or ovens, as well as a fridge in the corner. Violet let out a small cry, and Solitude started to wail, clinging to Nick, who stumbled back against what was left of a wall, shaking uncontrollably. 

“No, no, no…” Lilac said, looking around. They could see other rooms to the side- the remains of what might have been a library, what could have been a recreational room, or a study, or a dorm. 

“Mother!” Klaus shouted, his voice breaking. “Mother! Father!” 

“Mother!” Violet joined him. “Mother! Father!” 

“Dad?” Lilac shouted, hearing only their own voices echoing back. “Mom?” 

There was no response. 

“This headquarters is gone.” Klaus said, shaking. 

“And there’s no survivor.” Violet said, tears streaming down her face. 

“No.” Klaus shook his head. “No, that can’t be.” 

“Klaus-” Lilac began. 

“Jacques Snicket said there was a survivor of the fire.” Klaus cried. 

The sweatered scout, who’d been walking around the headquarters, seemingly just as in shock as the Baudelaires, stopped dead in his tracks. “Jacques Snicket said that?” 

The Baudelaires turned to him, and then Klaus nodded. 

The scout quietly said, “Then he was right. There is a survivor of the fire here.” 

“Where?” Nick asked. 

“Here.” said the scout, and then he took off his mask. 

The Baudelaires stepped back in shock, and Solitude whispered, “Duncan?” 

“I’m Quigley Quagmire,” said the scout, “And I was hoping to find my siblings here.”


	6. in which Sunny makes a signal

**CHAPTER SIX**

_ in which Sunny makes a signal _

“You’re dead.” was the first thing Lilac said. 

Quigley looked to her. “Well. No.” He held out his arms and said, “Pretty sure I’m still alive.” 

“You died in the Quagmire fire.” Klaus said, stepping forwards slightly. 

Quigley shook his head, looking down at the ground. As much as the Baudelaires were in shock, they could tell he looked exactly like his triplets. 

“I survived.” he said quietly. “My mother found me in the library, she got me to the tunnel, told me to wait for her… she never came back. I just…” he shut his eyes. “I was in the tunnel, and I could hear everyone screaming, and… and something fell on the entrance, so I couldn’t get it open… I didn’t even know who was still alive…” 

He shook slightly, and carefully, Violet stepped over the rubble, moving to stand beside him. She put an arm around him and helped him sit down on a small, ashy pile of wood, saying, “It’s okay.” 

The other Baudelaires turned to look at each other, their faces slowly falling. 

_ Quigley’s the survivor.  _

Nick shut his eyes tight, holding back tears, and then he also stepped forwards and sat beside Quigley. Solitude hugged her brother tight, whimpering slightly, as he put a hand onto the Quagmire’s leg in some form of comfort. Lilac took a deep breath, choking back her own tears, and she reached over and grabbed Klaus’s hand. He’d frozen, just staring at Quigley, trying to process. 

Quigley shut his eyes tight, steadying his breathing. “I-I’m sorry-” 

“Don’t be.” Violet said, her own voice very quiet. “It’s not your fault. What… what happened, after you were in the tunnel?” 

“I… I couldn’t get out.” Quigley said. “So I followed it, until I found some kind of exit. I came out in the middle of- of Dr Montgomery’s maze. I had to climb out, I couldn’t figure out any way into town and the phones weren’t working, I just… I just stayed inside, and I read… I read his  _ Incomplete History _ book, it was in the desk drawer… there were still some reptiles around…” 

“Really?” Solitude sniffled, looking up at him. 

Quigley glanced down at her, smiling a little. “You’re the little herpetologist, right? Yeah, because you let all the reptiles go, some of them escaped. They were nice, and smart, helped me find food.” 

“Good snakes.” Solitude nodded, tears streaming down her face. She leaned her head into Nick’s chest, and he hugged her a bit tighter. 

Quigley nodded. “Then… then Jacques showed up. Jacques Snicket. He was investigating… investigating all of you. Trying to find you. He… he told me he knew my parents, he had the spyglass that I saw my father with… he told me about VFD- or, well, what I needed to know.” 

“Which I assume wasn’t much.” Nick said darkly. 

Quigley bit his lip, curling up a little. “Well. After- after a few weeks, he left to investigate something around Paltryville. And he… he never came back. I finally found an atlas in the library, and I packed supplies and made my way into town. I found a newspaper saying my siblings had been kidnapped, and…” he shut his eyes. “And I knew I had to find them. I traveled to all the places Jacques had mentioned VFD, hoping to find a headquarters. So they could help. This… this place was the  _ last _ hope I had of finding them.” 

“Duncan and Isadora are safe.” Lilac said, a bit choked up. She and Klaus stepped forwards and sat across from the others, trying not to cry. “They’re safe, I promise.” 

Quigley looked up, surprised. “How do you know?” 

“We rescued them.” Violet said, squeezing his hand. “They’re our friends. They got captured with Nick, and we broke them out.” 

“They’re with our friend, Hector, in a Self-Sustaining Hot Air Mobile Home.” Klaus said. “Nobody bad can reach them there.” 

“We promise.” Violet said. “They’re okay.” 

Quigley glanced between them, as if trying to figure out if they were joking. Then he broke into a grin, blinking away tears. “Thank you.” he said. 

“We were…” Klaus hesitated. “We were hoping to find one of our parents here. But… we’re glad we found you.” 

“And we’ll find your sister.” Quigley told him. “You helped save my siblings, Baudelaires. I’ll help you save yours.” 

Lilac smiled, and Solitude crawled from Nick’s lap to Quigley’s in order to give him a hug. Nick bit his lip, and then he said, “Your siblings, Quig- Duncan and Isadora- they…” 

Quigley turned to look at him, a bit concerned as Nick struggled to get the words out. “Yeah?” 

“They…” Nick sniffled, starting to cry. “They tried to help me. They were… they were the one thing in my… when  _ he _ had me, they were the only thing keeping me alive, Quigley.” He turned to the triplet, and said, “I couldn’t… I couldn’t thank them back then. I… we’ll find them. I promise. And…” 

Quigley carefully handed Solitude to Violet, and then leaned over and hugged Nick. Nick flinched, stiffening for a moment, and then he hugged him back and kept crying. 

“Thank you.” Quigley said, and then Violet and Soli joined in the hug, and Lilac and Klaus ran over, and soon they were all embracing and trying not to cry. 

“So. This is Sunny Baudelaire.” 

The man with a beard but no hair was pointing a cane at her. Sunny resisted the urge to bite it, instead glaring the man down with every ounce of courage she had. 

“She and her siblings have caused almost as much trouble as their parents.” said the woman with hair but no beard. 

“Yes.” Olaf said, smiling nervously. “I sent her siblings tumbling off of a cliff, and now I’m keeping her around as an infant servant until we can get her fortune.” 

The man with a beard but no hair gave a wicked smile. “Not bad, Olaf.” 

“Infant servants are so troublesome.” said the woman with hair but no beard. “I had one myself, before the schism.” 

“Before the schism?” said Olaf, raising his eyebrow. “That was a long time ago. That baby must be all grown up by now.” 

“Not necessarily.” said the woman. 

Sunny narrowed her eyes and said, “Pishi,” which meant,  _ “You’re a piece of shit.”  _

The Hook-Handed Man jumped, eyes wide, but everyone else just scoffed. “There she goes in her ridiculous baby language.” Esme said. “We’ll get her to shut up, though, don’t worry, won’t take long.” 

“I should hope not.” said the man, and Sunny let out a growl. “She’s caused a lot of problems, but we know how to solve problems. Fire can solve anything.” 

“It was great fun,” said the woman. “We burnt each room down, bit by bit, until we got the library. You should have been there, Olaf! All those books and books, turned to ashes.” 

“Why did you burn each room gradually?” Olaf said. “Whenever I start a fire, I do it all at once.” 

“We couldn’t have burned down the entire headquarters at once.” said the man with a beard but no hair. “Someone would have seen. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.” 

“Speaking of which, we will need to get going soon.” said the woman. “We have to go burn down a carnival in the Hinterlands.” 

“A carnival?” Kevin asked, looking up. 

“Yes,” said the man, “There’s apparently an important VFD document hidden in a souvenir sculpture.” 

“We already burned that.” Olaf said. 

The man and the woman looked a bit surprised. “Did you?” 

Olaf nervously nodded. 

“The whole thing?” 

Another nod. “Every tent.” 

The woman smiled. “There may be hope for you yet, Olaf. Come with us, we have a new plan we wish to discuss with you.” 

“The baby was just going to make us a better breakfast.” Olaf said. 

“She can do that while we talk.” said the man. 

“What are we going to make her cook for us?” asked a White-Faced Woman. 

“There’s plenty of salmon under the Stricken Stream, all she has to do is break the ice and catch some.” said the Hook-Handed Man. “Then she just has to warm it up- although, considering we’re on Mount Fraught-” 

“See? She can handle that.” said the woman. “Come, Olaf. And… Ms Squalor, you come, too. Oh, we have a gift for you. You like things that are In, right?” 

“Uh, yeah.” Esme nodded. 

The man with a beard but no hair pulled out a small green tube. “We found these in headquarters. I haven’t seen them before, but it’s been a while since I was a volunteer. We think it’s a cigarette.”

“A cigarette? How In!” Esme cheered. She took the tube, lighting it, and a bitter smell filled the air as green smoke burst out. She let out a cough and said, “Whoa! That’s quite the… unusual smell.” 

She shoved the cigarette into the Hook-Handed Man’s hooks, and then the woman with hair but no beard said, “Now, come along.” 

They walked off to a far tent, with Olaf and Esme looking incredibly uncomfortable. Sunny glared at them as they left, sticking out her tongue the second their backs were turned. 

“Who were those people?” Colette asked. 

“None of your concern.” said the Hook-Handed Man, flipping the tube in his hands. 

“Well,” said Hugo, “They’re friends of Count Olaf’s. How bad could they be?” 

“What did they mean, ‘where there’s smoke, there’s fire?’” asked Kevin. 

“Forget these questions.” the Hook-Handed Man said. “And go do something else while the baby heats up the salmon.” 

Sunny’s eyes lit up, and then her gaze darted to the green cigarette in his hooks. 

_ Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.  _

_ So where there’s fire, there’s smoke.  _

And people noticed smoke. 

People like her siblings who were definitely looking for her. 

“Oh no.” Nick said. 

“What? Is something wrong?” Lilac said. 

Nick stared over Quigley’s shoulder, out where there used to be windows. He stood up, his face going pale, and he held up Solitude so she could also see. 

At the top of Mount Fraught, there was a small, billowing amount of green smoke. 

Violet helped Quigley to his feet, and they raced out of the charred headquarters, staring up at the sky. Her siblings quickly followed them, watching the smoke billow higher. 

“That’s a Verdant Flammable Device.” Quigley said. “There’s someone at the top of the waterfall.” 

“Maybe it’s a Volunteer, signalling for help.” Klaus said. 

“Or maybe it’s a trap.” Nick said, looking very scared. “To lure Volunteers over.” 

“Or,” said Lilac, staring up at the smoke, “It could be Sunny.” 

They froze over. “Where would she get a Verdant Flammable Device?” asked Violet. 

“Maybe the troupe.” said Solitude. “They’re bad VFD.” 

“Olaf can’t have gotten that far from us, he wanted to come here.” Klaus said. “And he couldn’t have burned down headquarters that quickly, we would’ve seen the smoke, so he’d still be heading this way.” 

“We should send a return signal.” Quigley said. 

“No.” Nick said. “No, that’ll just tell Olaf where we are.” 

“Or it’ll tell Sunny we’re here.” Violet said. “Do you still have Verdant Flammable Devices?” 

“I do,” Quigley said, “But Bruce confiscated my matches. He said children shouldn’t play with them.” 

“I mean, fair,” Lilac said, “But maybe…” 

They looked up, and saw the smoke disappear. 

“Shit. Fuck.” Violet said.  _ “Fuck.”  _

“Oh no.” Lilac’s eyes widened, and she started to breathe very quickly. “Oh no, oh no-” 

“We have to get up there.” Klaus said. “We have to see if it’s Sunny.” 

“It’s a long way to the top.” Quigley said, reaching into his pocket. “I got this map from the Snow Scouts. Well… it was Bruce’s, but I took it because I could read it better.” 

“Nice.” Violet said. 

Quigley gave her a smile, and then looked back down, as the Baudeaires crowded around him- all except Lilac, who was still staring at the smoke. “Well, we’ll have to go back through the Vernacularly Fastened Door, down the Vertical Flame Diversion, hike the path the Snow Scouts are taking- and they might notice we’re gone by now so we’ll have to come up with  _ some _ excuse, Duncan always said you could never go wrong with an exit pursued by a bear-” 

“There’s a more direct way to the top.” Lilac suddenly interrupted, stepping forwards. 

They all looked up at her, as Quigley said, “No, there’s not. Look at the map-” 

“Look at the waterfall.” said Lilac. 

They all followed her gaze, over to the frozen waterfall that led up to Mount Fraught. 

“Nick,” Lilac said, “How hard would that be to climb?” 

“What is the brat  _ doing?”  _

Sunny looked up from the fire, smiling as she saw Olaf’s frustration. 

“She’s cooking salmon.” said the Hook-Handed Man, confused as to what could possibly be ambiguous about this situation. 

Sunny had managed to get out a little bit of wood and set it alight with the green cigarette, holding the salmon above it in order to lox it. The fish, which the Hook-Handed Man had kindly helped her catch, were cooking very well, but most importantly, the green smoke was billowing higher and higher. 

The man with a beard but no hair raced forwards, kicking snow onto the fire and snuffing it out. 

“Hey!” Sunny said. 

“The salmon’s not that bad.” said one of the White-Faced Women; they were sitting with their new recruits, eating Sunny’s food. Colette had even managed to grab some of the orange slices. 

“You let the baby start a  _ fire?”  _ Esme shouted. 

“Why not?” said the Hook-Handed Man. “We start fires all the time.” 

“Because, you  _ imbecile,” _ Olaf said sharply, “Where there’s  _ smoke,  _ there’s  _ fire!  _ She could be signalling any volunteers lurking around!” 

He looked down at Sunny, a dark glare on his face that she matched. She knew that was probably a bad idea, but like  _ hell _ she was going to let this man make her feel weak. 

“If you are a  _ spy,”  _ he snarled, “I will throw you off this mountain.” 

Sunny simply looked up at him and said, “Goo goo,” which meant,  _ “I’m going to pretend I’m a helpless baby, instead of answering your question. You fuck.”  _

“Aw, see?” Colette said, smiling and passing an orange slice to Hugo. “She’s just a helpless baby.” 

“Perhaps.” the man with a beard but no hair narrowed his eyes. “But she is a dangerous baby. Place her somewhere she can’t do any damage.” 

“She has a casserole dish.” the Hook-Handed Man said. 

“Then make sure she  _ stays there.”  _ said the man with a beard but no hair. “We can’t have her causing trouble.”

“Then who’s going to cook dinner?” a white-faced woman asked. 

“Don’t worry about that.” Olaf said. “We’re hoping to have more children around to do our bidding soon. Ones who don’t  _ complain  _ about their  _ dead siblings.”  _

“And once our plan is complete,” said the woman with hair but no heard, “We’ll go to the Last Safe Place and burn it to the ground.” 

Sunny started, looking up at her.  _ Last Safe Place  _ sounded very important. 

“Now,” Esme said, “The baby is grounded. Put her in her dish while the adults talk.” 


	7. in which Lilac goes feral

**CHAPTER SEVEN**

_ in which Lilac goes feral _

“Alright.” Violet said, tying her ribbon tight. “We’re going to need the ukulele from the caravan and the half-melted candelabra from that table over there.” 

Nick passed over the ukulele, and Quigley passed her the candelabra. Lilac finished pulling her hair back and said, “Violet, I can use a rock to break this apart while you invent.” 

“No, I don’t want your hands getting cut up again.” Violet said, remembering when they made a grappling hook. 

“You can help us.” Klaus said. He and Nick shared a look, as he continued, “We’re useless with inventing, but we could dig through the library to see if any documents survived.” 

“Good idea.” Quigley said. He pulled a dark blue notebook from his coat pocket and said, “I have an extra notebook you can use. Nick, I think I’ll have one for you- here it is!” he handed Klaus the blue notebook and pulled out a gray one. “Is this okay?” 

“This is perfect.” Nick said, smiling. “Thank you. Soli, you can-” He turned, and then let out a soft gasp. 

Solitude had curled up onto a table, spreading her poncho over herself as a blanket. Babbitt laid beside her, looking completely frozen over; it was a bit unnerving, even though she’d warned them ahead of time that they’d look like this. 

“Is that a frog?” Quigley asked, as Nick approached his sister, smiling as she slept soundly. 

“It’s her pet.” Violet said softly, also beaming. “Babbitt. From Uncle Monty’s.” 

Quigley glanced down at the table. “I’m sorry about your Uncle. And… everyone else.” 

“We’re sorry about your losses, too.” Violet put a hand over his. “But we’ll be okay. Once we get Sunny back, we’ll find your siblings, and then we’ll all be together.” 

Quigley smiled over at her, and then Klaus said, “We… we better go. Think you can watch Soli and invent, Vi?” 

“Of course. Used to do it when Lilac was at art class.” Violet shrugged. 

“I can stay and help.” Quigley said. 

Nick raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure? You could help us.” 

“Well, I’ve… I’ve heard of Violet’s magnificent inventions,” Quigley said awkwardly, “And I’d… like to see her in action, if that won’t be a bother.” 

“It won’t be.” Violet said, picking up the ukulele. “I work with my siblings bothering me all the time.” 

“Oh, fuck you, too.” Nick laughed. “Come on, kids.” 

“I can stay with Violet.” Lilac said hesitantly. 

Violet gave her a smile. “You’re a mechanic, Li, not an inventor. I’ll piece this together. You help the boys, they’ll need to find things. And, well, they’ll need someone to keep them from arguing or wandering off.” 

Klaus nodded, while Nick just bit his lip and stared at the ground. 

“If you’re sure-” Lilac said. 

“Go dig through the library.” Violet nodded. “The boys could use your help.” 

“And you could use ours.” Klaus said, holding out his hand. 

Lilac hesitated, and then nodded, gripping onto Klaus and following him and Nick to the library. 

“Now,” Violet said, looking up at Quigley and tossing him the candelabra, “Make yourself useful.” 

Quigley smirked. “Got it.” 

“So… Lilac…” Nick said cautiously, looking through the ashy books, “How’s your arm?” 

Lilac had climbed on a slightly-intact stepladder to reach a higher shelf, her hair still tied back as she rifled through broken books, but Nick had noticed her flinching. “It’s… fine.” 

“Is it still bleeding?” 

“No.” 

“Does it hurt?” 

“Can we talk about something else? Anything else?” 

Nick smiled slightly. “What do you think of Quigley?” 

Klaus shot him a look from another shelf, but Nick just rolled his eyes. “What?” 

“Well, I mean, you think we can trust him?” Nick said. 

Lilac _ hmm_ed, considering. “I… I think so. He seems sweet. And I understand his devotion to his siblings.” She shot her brothers a smile. 

Nick nodded. “Especially since his siblings are Isadora and Klaus’s husband.” 

“Shut the fuck up.” Klaus said. 

Nick gave him a smile. “But, yeah. I… we owe them everything. At the very least we can make sure Quigley doesn’t kill himself on accident. And that no one else kills him.” 

Lilac gave him a sympathetic glance, and then she descended the stepladder. “We won’t let Olaf get to him. I promise.” 

Nick bit his lip and pushed a charred novel back onto the shelf, before moving to scratch his arm. 

“Nothing will happen to him, and nothing will happen to Sunny.” Lilac said, and she moved over, putting a hand on his shoulder, which didn’t stop his scratching. “We’ll protect you all.” 

Klaus walked over, too, and he pulled his siblings into a hug. “We’ll protect each other.” he said. “Okay? No sacrificing ourselves, no kidnappings, no separations. No more.” 

Nick leaned his head onto his twin’s shoulder, and then, quietly, Lilac said, “If he has Sunny-” 

“We’ll get her back _ together. _Okay?” 

Lilac shut her eyes, and then whispered, “Okay. Promise.” 

Klaus pulled away, wiping his eyes under his glasses, and he said, “We better keep looking, then.” 

Lilac gave Nick another sad gaze, and he just stared at the ground. Then he said, “Well… glad you like Quigley, Li.” 

“Why wouldn’t I?” Lilac asked, running a hand over her hair, which was still much looser than she normally kept it. 

Nick looked up at her, giving her an incredulous look. “You know he’s flirting with Violet, right?” 

Lilac froze for an instant, and then said, “I’m _ sorry, _ he’s _ what?” _

“Come _ on, _Li.” Nick said, as Klaus started giggling behind them. “You heard him. ‘I’ve heard of Violet’s magnificent inventions, and I’d like to see her in action.’ He was telling us to piss off so they could flirt.” 

Lilac stared at him, eyes wide, as Klaus shoved his hands over his mouth to muffle his laughter. “N-no, no he wasn’t.” 

“They’re probably already making out.” Nick said, unable to hide his grin. 

_ “No!” _

“Face it, Li. Your baby sister’s growing up.” Nick grinned. “She’s got a _ boyfriend.” _

_ “No, she doesn’t!” _

“Yeah, she does! Just like Klaus!” 

Klaus stopped laughing, and gave him a glare. “Oh, shut up!” 

“Lilac, if you marry Isadora, we can have _ all _ the Quagmires! The full set!” 

“Nick!” Lilac shouted. “If you don’t shut up, I am _ throwing you off the mountain!” _

“Try it, bitch!” 

Lilac gasped. _ “Nick!” _

“What? You gonna ‘language’ me?” 

_ “Fuck you!” _

They stared at each other in complete shock. Lilac threw a hand over her mouth, shock and regret rippling through her. Nick just froze over, his eyes going very wide. Klaus shot his head between his siblings, his mouth falling open, trying to say something. 

And then Nick laughed. 

He shut his eyes and doubled over, howling. “Ho-holy shit…” he said, barely able to breathe. “Holy _ shit…” _

Klaus giggled a little, and then Lilac slowly lowered her hand and started to laugh, too. Tears sprang to her eyes, and she ran over to hug Nick again as they both laughed. 

By the time they’d calmed down, Klaus had already moved over several shelves, and Nick was barely standing up, just clutching onto Lilac in order to stay on his feet. 

Then, quietly, Lilac snickered, “But you better be joking about Quigley.” 

Nick buried his head in her dress and grinned. “Or what? You’ll cuss at me?” 

Barely able to get the words out though her giggles, Lilac said, “Go- go fuck yourself.” 

“Oh my god, are you gonna explode? Are your big sister antibodies gonna kill you?” 

“Fuck off!” 

“Okay, seriously,” Nick looked up at her, tears on his face. “Stop it. This is freaking me out.” 

“You’ve heard me curse before.” 

“Not for something so dumb as Violet’s boyfriend.” 

“He is _ not_…” Lilac giggled. “He is _ not _ her _ fucking _boyfriend.” 

“Oh my God, I’ve created a monster.” 

“Hey, guys?” Klaus called. 

“Then deal with what you’ve made!” 

“Guys?” 

“Lilac, seriously, I can’t _ breathe-” _

“Then suffocate.” 

_ “Guys!” _

Lilac and Nick looked over to Klaus, both unable to stop their giggling, even as Klaus held up an ashy book. 

“I found something.” 

“It works.” Violet said, her face lighting up. 

Her and Quigley had been hard at work, grabbing forks from the shattered drawers and using the ukulele strings to tie them to the toe area of their shoes. Violet shoved one shoe into a pillar, smiling as it stuck. 

“Of course it does.” Quigley said, grinning. 

“Now,” Violet said, pulling out the shoe and placing it beside the others on the table, “We’ll need everyone else’s shoes so we can work those, and we’ll use the other forks for handholds. We can use the candelabra to test the ice on the waterfall; frozen water is rarely truly frozen, and we don’t want to stick our forks in weak ice that’ll break and cause us to fall.” 

“That would be pretty disastrous.” Quigley said. “Do we have enough forks?” 

“We better.” 

“And are they sharp enough?” 

“These forks are almost as sharp as Sunny’s teeth.” Violet said, sadly picking up a fork and running her hands over the tips. “They’ll work.” 

Quigley bit his lip, and then glanced over at Solitude, still sleeping soundly on the table. “Will she be able to climb? Maybe we could strap her to someone’s back. I can take her, if-” 

“I’m sure Nick will want to take her.” Violet said. “I’m honestly surprised he let her out of his sight for any amount of time.” 

“They’re really close?” 

“Definitely. Even before the fire and… and now…” Violet sighed. “Do you… know that Nick got kidnapped?” 

“I… didn’t really, but from what you all have said, I kinda pieced together that something happened.” 

Violet sighed, sitting on the edge of the table as she fiddled with one of the shoes. “Count Olaf and Esme Squalor managed to grab him while we were living at 667 Dark Avenue, and they had him for… God, I think it was over a week.” 

“Esme Squalor?” Quigley asked, narrowing his eyes and sitting beside her. 

“You know her?” 

“Yeah. The papers said she was in charge of Duncan and Isadora’s estate.” 

“Well. That explains why she just tossed them at Prufrock.” Violet said. “Orphans weren’t ‘In’ for a while.” 

“In what?” 

“Esme’s obsessed with fashionable things, that she calls ‘In.’ And we weren’t In until she could team up with Olaf to steal our fortune.” Violet shut her eyes. “They took Nick, and they… I don’t know what exactly they _ did _ to him, Quigley, and I’m _ terrified _ to find out. Because he just… he’s just been so different since then. He’s quieter, not as impulsive, he just gets so _ scared… _and he knows things, but when he tries to tell us he just… breaks down.” 

“That’s awful.” Quigley said, his voice coming out very quiet. “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s… we got him out. He’ll get better.” Violet said, quickly wiping her eyes on her sleeve. “And he doesn’t like when we get upset about it. I don’t think he likes the attention.” 

“I mean… when I’ve gotten hurt, or messed up, I don’t like people focusing on me either.” Quigley admitted. “But, I mean… it’s okay to feel scared about it. I… I’ve been scared about my siblings ever since I found out they’d been kidnapped from boarding school.” 

“They…” Violet considered a second, before she carefully put a hand over Quigley’s. “I’m not going to lie to you Quigley, I don’t know what happened to them and I know it was nothing good but… it wasn’t on Nick’s level. They got out… better, I think.” 

“Or maybe they’re just better at hiding it.” Quigley said quietly. “Isadora was… she was always good at hiding when she was upset. She just vented everything in her poems. And Duncan- he’s emotional, you know? But he didn’t always like us to know why he was sad.” 

Violet slowly put the shoe down, pulling her ribbon out of her hair and wrapping and unwrapping it around her hands. “I… I’m sorry, I didn’t even think of that. They… they seemed scared at Dark Avenue, but they were… better in the village, at least compared to… I guess I never thought… God, I’m an idiot.” 

“No, you’re not!” Quigley said. “No way! You just made these shoes out of forks and a ukulele!” 

“But I didn’t think-” 

“Violet, you _ saved _ them.” Quigley put his hands back over hers, stopping her fiddling for a moment and meeting her eyes. “You and your siblings saved Duncan and Isadora. They’d still be in Olaf’s horrible clutches without you. You’ll get Sunny out, too, I know it.” 

Violet slowly smiled. “Thank you, Quigley.” 

“Thank _ you.” _

“We _ hate _ to interrupt!” came Lilac’s voice, and Violet and Quigley turned to see her and the twins run back into the kitchen, “But we found something!” 

Nick was grabbing onto Klaus’s arm, as Klaus carried a slightly-intact book. Violet and Quigley jumped off of the table, and Solitude blearily sat up, rubbing her eyes. “Whazzit?” 

“Oh, Soli, it’s okay, go back to sleep.” Violet said quickly. 

Solitude yawned and shook her head, pushing her hair out of her face. “I wanna help. Whazzit?” 

“We found this.” Klaus said, moving to the table and flipping through the book. “It was partially destroyed by smoke damage, but enough of it remains intact to tell us that there may be a code here.” 

“A code?” Quigley asked, looking over his shoulder. 

“Well, it’s a codebook, so I assume there’s codes in it.” Nick said, crossing his arms and staring at the ground. Soli giggled and started to crawl towards him, before going back to grab Babbitt and slip her sleeping pet into her pocket. 

“Look at this passage.” Klaus said, putting the book on the table. “In the e- flagration resulting in the destruction of sanc-, -teers should avail themselves of Verbal Fri- Dialogue, which is concealed accordingly. These blank parts were ruined, but we can probably figure it out- ‘flagration’ is probably ‘conflagration’, a fancy word for fire, and ‘sanc’ is probably ‘sanctuary’, so it means ‘in the event of a conflagration resulting in the destruction of a sanctuary, and then that’s ‘Volunteers.’” 

“What’s Verbal Fri- Dialogue?” Quigley asked, flipping through his commonplace book. “I don’t know anything about that, unless I missed it in _ Incomplete History.” _

“There’s lots of words that start with Fri-.” Lilac said. 

Carefully, Nick leaned over and said, “Well, geniuses, here’s a fucking hint. If you want to leave a message in a place that’s about to be on fire, would you or would you not hide it in something that would probably not burn?” 

The others turned to him, a little apprehensive. “Nick,” Lilac said, “Do you know something about this?” 

Nick gave her a look, and then pointed to an intact fridge only a few feet away. 

“Verbal Fridge Dialogue, dumbasses.” he said. 

“How’d you learn about that?” Quigley asked, and Klaus shot him a _ stop _hand gesture. 

Nick gave him a look. “It’s a guess, Quagmire, because there’s a fridge right fucking there.” 

“Well, alright then.” Lilac sighed, and Violet and Klaus ran to the fridge, flinging it open. 

“There’s just some food.” Klaus said, a little disappointed. 

“What food?” Quigley asked, also running over and trying to peer around them. 

“Why?” Klaus asked. 

“If there’s Very Fresh Dill,” Quigley said, “It could be signalling a code. There’s something here, something hidden.” 

“There’s dill, yeah.” Klaus nodded. “Just one.” 

“Then we have something to figure out.” Quigley said. 

“We need to solve it _ soon.” _Lilac said. “Sunny could be up there, and if the smoke went out…” 

She didn’t finish her sentence, but Nick did. “Who knows what could be happening to her?” 

“We only have two pairs of shoes ready.” Violet said. “I can make more while you solve the codes-” 

“But we need to get to Sunny _ fast.” _Nick said. 

“Okay.” Lilac shut her eyes. “I… I can go with Nick. He’s a climber, and-” 

“You can’t go.” Violet said quickly. “Your arm’s still hurt. And you were never the best climber anyway. Mine’s mostly healed from the grappling hook, I can go.” 

“No.” Lilac shook her head. “I’ll go-” 

“Li. It’s okay.” Violet moved over, grabbing her hand. “I can go. You can help the codebreakers. Soli, I’m assuming you’ll stay here, too?” 

Solitude considered. “Is Nick going?” 

“He’s our climber.” Lilac said. “He… Nick?” 

Nick was staring very hard at the ground and scratching his arm very fast. It was almost as if he wasn’t hearing them. 

“Nick? Hey! Nick!” Klaus said, running over. “Nick?” 

Nick suddenly jolted up, running a few steps back. Quigley jumped, surprised, and he grabbed Violet’s arm. Lilac ran forwards, too, throwing an arm around her brother. “Hey? Hey, what’s going on?” 

“I…” Nick bit his lip. “I just…” He stuttered for a few moments, and then he slowly turned to look over at Lilac, falling completely silent. 

“Nick?” Lilac asked. “Are you okay?” 

He shut his eyes tight, as if bracing himself, and then he said, “I can’t go.” 

Lilac stared at him. “What? What do you mean? Are you hurt- you were climbing okay in the shaft-?” 

“I can’t go up that mountain.” Nick’s voice shook slightly, and he broke away from Lilac, hugging himself and trying not to cry. “I can’t… if Sunny’s up there, _ they’re _ up there, and I can’t… I want to save Sunny but if I go near them I… I _ know _ I’m not going to be of any help, I’m going to freak out and… we’ll get spotted, or Violet will waste time trying to calm me down, or…” he cut himself off, and Klaus ran forwards and hugged him. Solitude held her arms up, and Violet picked her up and brought her over to hug Nick, too. 

“Okay.” Lilac finally said. “Okay.” She put her hands on Nick’s shoulders until he looked up at her. “Okay, you don’t have to go. Klaus or I can go.” 

“Lilac…” Klaus said quietly. “I’m better at codes. I can’t climb for shit.” 

“Well, then, I’ll go with Violet.” Lilac said. “I can-” 

“Or,” Violet said, giving Lilac a look. “If Quigley’s okay with it, he could go with me.” 

Lilac stared at her, as Klaus helped Nick sit down and Solitude climbed from Violet’s arms to the ground before running over to her brother. Quigley, not noticing Lilac’s reaction, said, “Oh, yeah! Yeah, definitely. I’ll help any way I can.” 

“It’s a lot to ask.” Klaus said. 

“You helped rescue my siblings,” Quigley said, “I’ll help rescue yours.” 

“Um!” Lilac said. “I can go, Violet-” 

“It’ll be fine. You help the boys.” Violet said. “I used mine and Quigley’s shoes, anyway, now we don’t have to worry about them fitting.” 

“But-” 

“Don’t worry. If Sunny’s up there, we’ll bring her back.” Violet said. “You try to crack that code. Hopefully we’ll both succeed fast.” She turned and said, “Quig, grab your shoes.” 

Quigley took his shoes from the table, and then said, “I’ll leave my commonplace book with you. Maybe my notes can help.” 

“Thank you.” Klaus said. “Just… be careful, both of you.” 

“Tell Sunny to be safe, too.” Solitude said, leaning onto Nick as she hugged him very tightly. 

“You can tell her yourself, when we bring her back.” Violet said, grabbing her shoes and candelabra. “We better hurry. You all have fun, we’ll be back soon.” 

Quigley nodded, and then they ran off towards the waterfall. 

Lilac stared after them a moment, and then she carefully moved over to Nick, putting her arm around him again. “Are you okay?” she asked. 

Nick nodded, still shaking a little as he picked up Soli and held her close. 

Then, quietly, he said, “So. Violet and Quigley are on a date?” 

“Oh, fuck you.” 

They both laughed a little, and then stood up to go back to the fridge.


	8. in which the Baudelaires raid the fridge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT NOTICE FOR TODAY'S CHAPTER
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING - In the final section of this chapter, self-harm via scratching, brought on by a panic attack, is described. It does not go past scratching, and skin is not broken, but if that is triggering for you, please be cautioned or skip the final segment. 
> 
> Thank you, and stay safe!

**CHAPTER EIGHT**

_ in which the Baudelaires raid the fridge _

“Are you ready?” Violet said, standing under the waterfall. 

“If we wait until we’re ready…” Quigley began, staring up at the slope. 

“We’ll be waiting for the rest of our lives.” Violet finished. They shared a significant glance, and then she said, “Let’s go.” 

They moved forwards, and it took a few moments for them to get their forks into the ice far enough to hold. Then Violet reached up and tapped the ice to find a solid spot. For the first few steps, the two children feared that they might never reach the top of the waterfall at the rate they were going, but as time passed, climbing got a bit easier. They couldn’t find the strength or time to stop and talk, but they both sent each other encouraging smiles as they kept on. 

“They’re taking too long.” Lilac said. “I can invent some shoes and go after them.” 

“Lilac, chill. They’re climbing up a giant-ass waterfall.” Nick said. “Help us with the books.” 

Solitude was scouring the bottom shelves, climbing through and looking for some books or pages that may be intact. Klaus and Nick were climbing ladders, while Lilac glanced up and down the middle shelves and sulked. 

“Yeah, Li, let them have their date.” Klaus said. 

“It’s _ not a date!” _Lilac said. 

Solitude looked up. “Sure, hon.” 

“They’re rescuing Sunny. That’s all they’re doing.” Lilac said sharply. “And if you all don’t shut up, you’re grounded.” 

“Ground us from _ what?” _Nick asked, grabbing a book. “We haven’t got shit.” 

“I’ll make a preemptive ground.” Lilac said. “Soon as we have things, you’re grounded from them.” 

“You could ground Nick from Soli.” Klaus suggested, giggling. “Only Lilac can hold her for a week.” 

“Fuck that.” Nick said. 

“Grounded from frogs.” Solitude suggested. 

“Yeah, your frog’s already frozen over,” Klaus said, “So we can’t ground you from them for a while.” 

“I could push you into the empty swimming pool a few rooms over.” Lilac said, gesturing, “And leave you there until we get everyone back. No rescue missions for you.” 

“You’re the worst.” Klaus said, smiling slightly. 

Nick pulled a book from the shelf, and then he said, “Hey, guys? This one’s intact.” 

“Oh, hell yeah!” Solitude cheered, rolling out from under a shelf and running towards him. 

“Hmm, still not sure I like Solitude swearing.” Lilac said, walking over with Klaus. 

“You don’t get a say in it.” Nick said. “Thank fuck, this looks like a codebook- unless the ‘Codes’ on the front somehow means something else.” 

“Better than the cookbook we found last.” Klaus said, picking up Solitude so she could see. 

“Look for Verbal Fridge Dialogue.” Lilac said. 

“Yeah, no shit, Li.” Nick said, flipping through pages. “Looks like the index got burned out, but I can skim. Let’s see… shit, there’s a lot of codes here.” 

“Might be an interesting read when we’re not pressed for time.” Klaus said. 

“Okay, dingus,” Nick said, “Now shut up- here! I found it! I _ found it!” _

He looked ecstatic, his face lighting up as he looked down at the large title font that read _ Verbal Fridge Dialogue. _He immediately spun on his heel and ran back to the fridge before his siblings could even move. 

“Hey! Wait up!” Lilac called as she and Klaus took off after him. 

Nick threw open the fridge door, holding the book in one hand and digging through with the other. “Okay, _ so, _this book seems super fragile, so, Klaus, after this, we’re gonna have to copy it real quick.” 

“Okay, dude, what does it _ say?” _Klaus asked. 

“Read it!” Solitude cheered. 

“The code is started with Very Fresh Dill; Quigley’s right. It then says, ‘The receiver of the message should find their own initials, as noted by one of our poet volunteers-” 

He tossed the book to Lilac, who jumped back in shock, only barely managing to catch it. She glanced down, and then read, _ “The darkest of the jams of three / Contain within the addressee. _That’s a couplet, like Isadora writes.” 

“Are couplets a code?” Klaus asked. “Was Isadora a Volunteer?” 

Nick shot his head around, giving Klaus a glare that sent him stumbling backwards. _ “No!” _ he shouted, suddenly very angry, and Solitude let out a yelp. “Isadora is _ not _ one of them and she _ never _will be!” 

Klaus gasped. “Nick! What the fuck?” 

Nick shut his eyes tight, taking a deep breath, and then he said, “Nevermind. We have to find the code, we’ll talk later.” he turned back to the fridge, and before anyone could say anything else, he said, “Boysenberry jam’s the darkest.” 

He handed the jar to Solitude, who quickly bit open the lid and looked inside. “JS.” she read. “Jacques Snicket?” 

“Jacques Snicket is dead, the message can’t have been for him.” Lilac said. 

“Maybe the sender didn’t know that.” Klaus said. 

“It doesn’t matter who was supposed to get the message.” Nick snapped. “It then said in the book that if necessary, the dialogue uses a fruit-based calendar for days of the week in order to announce a gathering. Sunday is represented by a lone olive, Monday by two, et cetera. Does anyone see the olives?” 

“There!” Solitude pointed to the top shelf of the fridge.

Nick reached up and grabbed the olives, and then opened it, saying, “I see five, but we better make sure…” 

When the jar opened, the olive stench burst out, and Klaus threw his hand over his mouth, saying, “Crud! I hate that smell.” 

“I think it’s fine-” Lilac said. 

Nick dropped the jar and stepped back, throwing his hands over his face. The jar shattered onto the ground, five olives spilling onto the dirty floor. 

“Nick!” Lilac dropped the book, leapt over the jar and grabbed him by the shoulders, spinning him so he could see her face. “Nick, holy shit, what happened? What was it?” 

“I…” Nick shut his eyes. “I’m sorry, I just… I’m sorry.” 

“Nick, it’s okay.” Lilac said, reaching up to put a comforting hand on his face, but he flinched back, so she put her hand back on his shoulder. “I’m sorry. What happened?” 

“It’s… it’s just, the… the olives.” Nick said. “I forgot… they just remind me of the aqueous martinis, which remind me of- I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be sorry.” Klaus said, also moving forwards; Soli hugged his arm, and Klaus put his other arm around him. “Don’t be sorry. Do you need a second?” 

“No, no.” Nick shook his head. “No, I…” he leaned his head onto Lilac’s shoulder, and then said, “There’s five. Five olives. That’s… Thursday. There’s a meeting on Thursday.” 

“How… how do we know where this meeting is?” Lilac asked. 

Nick shut his eyes, and started to recite; he found that recounting things he read sometimes helped calm him. “Any spice-based condiment should have a coded label referring volunteers to encoded poems.” 

Klaus handed Solitude over to Nick, watching as she gave him a quick hug, and then he and Lilac moved to the fridge. “Um, Mustard is a spice-based condiment.” 

Lilac took the jar of mustard. “Maybe there’s something on the wrapping?” 

“There’s nothing but the label and list of ingredients.” Klaus said. 

“Maybe it’s in the ingredients.” Lilac said. She gave a glance from Nick to the shattered puddle beneath them, and then she said, “Let’s go to the table.” 

Violet let out a gasp as her fork almost fell from the ice; it wobbled a little, and she lost her grip, holding on with one hand. Quigley looked over at her, terrified. They were so high up, halfway up the waterfall, and if she fell… 

“I can… I’ll-” Quigley began. 

Violet let out a groan and a cry as she managed to hoist herself back up, grabbing back onto her fork. She shut her eyes, breathing a second, trying to calm herself down. Quigley glanced down at her to make sure she had a good enough grip, and then he looked up. 

“Violet!” he called. “There’s a ledge a few feet up! We can rest there, can you make it?” 

“Definitely!” cried Violet. “Can you?” 

He nodded, and they stumbled up. 

After a few minutes, Quigley made it to the ledge, and shoved his forks into his pocket, reaching out a hand for Violet. She gave him a smile as she tossed her fork to the ledge and took his palm, letting him help her up. 

“Thank you.” she said. 

“It’s not a problem.” Quigley said, watching her stuff her forks into her pockets. “We’ve got a long way to go, and we don’t want to tire ourselves out. Oh, uh, I have some carrot bags. I packed snacks for the trip before I left with the Snow Scouts, they should still be good.” 

“Thank you again.” Violet said. “You didn’t have to do that, and you didn’t have to offer to share.” 

“What? Am I just gonna eat carrots by myself halfway up a frozen waterfall?” Quigley smirked, passing her a small bag. 

“We’ve still got a long way to go.” Violet said, glancing up as she struggled to open the bag, eventually taking her gloves off to make it easier. “Hopefully there won’t be an ambush up there.” 

“What’ll we do if there is one?” 

“I stole this from the caravan before it fell.” Violet said, showing off her knife. “I can stab someone.” 

“Good plan.” Quigley said. “I think I actually have a pocketknife somewhere, but it’ll take a while to find.” 

“Don’t worry, then. I’ll cover you til you find it.” Violet giggled. 

They laughed a second, and then Quigley said, “Do you really think we can make it up there?” 

“We made it this far.” Violet said. 

_ “Celebrate when you’re half done / And the finish won’t be half as fun.” _Quigley said, his smile fading. “My sister wrote that.” 

“We’ll find her, and Duncan.” Violet promised. “And then we’ll all be together. We’ll solve all our mysteries, and find someplace to stay.” she smiled. “Duncan and I were talking about making a printing press and starting a newspaper.” 

“Of course you did.” Quigley grinned. “He’s wanted to be a journalist since our father decided it’d be funny to use the newspaper to help teach him to read. And Isadora’s wanted to be a poet since…” he trailed off. 

“What?” 

“Since our parents gave her a poetry instructor.” Quigley said. “They taught her all kinds of poems, and… and I had a cartography instructor, who came to our house and showed me how to make maps and… and hide things in them.” He turned to Violet, eyes wide. “It’s almost like they… they were training us. For this. For codes and secrets and… and VFD.” 

Violet thought hard. Had she ever had an engineering instructor? No, her parents had shown her and Lilac all they knew, and then helped them find books to learn more. In fact, with the exception of Prufrock Prep, she didn’t think she’d ever had a teacher past Kindergarten, where her and Lilac had gotten kicked out for taking apart the speaker system. But… _ Anna Karenina. _How many books had they been given that were secret codes? Maybe there was a code she had been taught that she didn’t yet realize. 

“That’s a strange thought.” she finally said. “A bit worrying.” 

Quigley curled up, staring down at his snackbag. “There’s so much we didn’t learn about them. And so much they didn’t learn about us… I never told them a lot of things that I wanted to.” 

“I know the feeling.” Violet sighed. “I was learning how to make cake for Mother’s birthday, and I never got to try and bake it.” 

“I was making them an anniversary present- a map of all the places they’d traveled.” Quigley sighed. “And I never got to tell them that I don’t…” he hesitated, and then said, “I mean, Duncan and Isadora came out to them, but I never told them that whenever I was doing astronomy class and called myself a space ace…” 

Violet laughed, and Quigley flinched. “No, no, I’m not making fun of you, it’s a good pun, I’ll have to make sure Nick knows it.” 

Quigley’s face it up. “Really?” He paused, and then said, “I think they knew I… I’ve had crushes on more than one gender, but I don’t…” 

“I think my parents found out when I told them I wanted to marry both Elizabeth and Darcy.” Violet smiled. “Lilac and Nick teased me about that for years. I don’t even know if they remember now.” 

Quigley stared at her. “Holy shit. Vi… I said the same thing.” 

“You’re kidding.” 

“Oh my God.” 

“Nice to know we read the same books.” Violet said. 

They laughed, but as Violet moved back, one of her gloves fell from the ledge, falling down the waterfall. 

“Oh! Your glove!” Quigley said. 

Violet leaned over, looking down, and she said, “We’ll get it when we go back.” 

“Your hand will be cold.” 

“I’ll manage.” Violet pulled her other glove back on, so she wouldn’t lose that, too. “Worst case scenario, I’ll rip my jacket and wrap it around.” 

“Still…” hesitantly, Quigley reached out and took her ungloved hand, holding it between his gloved ones. “Maybe we can… keep it warm a bit longer.” 

Violet glanced down to hide the fact that her face had gone a bit red. “Um, yes.” She sighed. “You know, it was… very impressive that you got this way all on your own.” 

“Your inventions are more impressive.” 

“Just as impressive.” 

“Alright, we’ll settle for that.” 

They laughed again, and Violet turned her head to look across from the waterfall, out onto the mountains across from them. 

“You know,” she said, “If you have to build a secret headquarters, this is a good place to do it. It’s a very lovely view.” 

Quigley followed her gaze, and then turned to stare at Violet instead. “Very lovely indeed.” he said. 

She turned over to him, realizing where he was looking, and she smiled more brightly than she had in a while. 

Klaus sat on the edge of the table, flipping over the mustard bottle. “Okay,” he said, as Nick sat across from him, placing Solitude on his lap, and Lilac perched herself on the edge of the table, “So this should refer us to a poem?” 

“What does it say, first of all?” Lilac asked. 

Klaus read aloud. “Vinegar, mustard seed, salt, tumeric, the final quatrain of the eleventh stanza of ‘The Garden of Proserpine’ by Algernon Charles Swinburne, and calcium disodium- an allegedly natural preservative.” 

“Screw the natural preservative,” Lilac said, “Nick, Klaus, have you read _ The Garden of Proserpine?” _

Klaus shook his head, and then Nick quietly said, “I did.” he was staring very hard at the table. “Mom gave it to me. A collection of poems for our eighth birthday.” Soli put her small hand over his, and then he said, “I… I _ hate-” _he cut himself off, and then said. “But I remember the poem. It’s very long.” 

“Skip to the eleventh stanza.” Lilac said. 

Nick shut his eyes. “Let’s see… _ Here, where the world is quiet…” _

“What?” 

_ “I am tired of tears and laughter…” _ he counted on his fingers, the first line of each stanza. _ “Here life has death for neighbor… No growth of moor or coppice… Pale, without name or number… Though one were strong as seven… Pale, beyond porch and portal… She waits for each and other… There go the loves that wither… We are not sure of sorrow…” _

“Cheery.” Solitude commented. 

“Yep.” Nick nodded. “Okay, eleventh stanza…” 

_ From too much love of living, _

_ From hope and fear set free, _

_ We thank with brief thanksgiving _

_ Whatever gods may be _

_ That no life lives for ever; _

_ That dead men rise up never; _

_ That even the weariest river _

_ Winds somewhere safe to sea. _

“The last quatrain is the last four lines.” Klaus said. “Maybe the clue is ‘even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.’ Maybe the place we’re supposed to meet is at the end of the river.” 

“Or the end of the sea.” Lilac said. 

Solitude crawled off of Nick’s lap, wandering back over to the fridge. Nick watched her go, and then said, “The poem’s not a happy one at all, you know. You know Proserpine is-” 

“The Roman form of Persephone.” Lilac nodded. “I had a Greek Myth phase too, Nick, we all did.” 

“Well, then you’ll remember she was the Queen of the Underworld.” Nick said. 

“She didn’t really want to be.” Klaus said. 

“Nah, I think she was into it.” Lilac said. 

“Don’t project onto a greek goddess, Li.”

“If you’re quite done,” Nick interrupted, “The poem’s all about a garden that traps you, ensnares you, and leaves you for dead.” He let out a cynical laugh. “You know, in a way, it’s sort of like-” 

“Found something!” Solitude called, running back over. 

They looked over, to see her waving the codebook over her head. She climbed back onto Nick’s lap, tossed the book on the table, and then hoisted herself up after it. She flipped back to the page on Verbal Fridge Dialogue, and after making sure her siblings were looking, she flipped the page. 

On the back, above some other code instructions, was a word, very lightly penciled in. 

_ Sugar Bowl. _

Nick glared at the page as if he intended to set it on fire with his mind. 

“Sugar Bowl.” Lilac said. “Esme said something about finding that, she-” 

“Mom stole it from her.” Nick said. 

Lilac jumped. “What?” 

Nick got to his feet, not meeting their eyes. “Mom _ stole _ her fucking sugar bowl.” he said. “Because it’s important and she didn’t want _ her _ to have it. I don’t know much else, but…” he inhaled sharply, reaching to scratch his arm, and then he said, “I’m sorry. I need to be alone for a moment.” 

He ran off, and his siblings sadly watched him go. 

“Just give him a minute.” Lilac said quietly. “We don’t want to crowd him.” 

“But…” Solitude began. 

“He’ll be fine.” Lilac said. “I promise.” 

Nick slid against a half-collapsed wall, screaming into his lap, hot tears springing to the edge of his eyes and streaming down his face. 

_ Stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop… _

He had to tell them. He had to tell _ Lilac. _ He _ had _ to tell them everything, they were getting closer to _ them, _to VFD, they had to know, they had… 

He kept scratching his arm, kept screaming into his clothes so that his siblings wouldn’t have to hear. His arm was getting red, but he didn’t care. He had to stay alert. If he thought about how it felt, how his arm felt, how his nails were digging into his skin, he would at least know where he was, what he was feeling _ now. _ His mind wouldn’t drift to what he’d felt then. What he’d _ heard, _ what he’d _ seen, _ what had _ happened _ to him. 

_ Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop… _

Why wouldn’t he just stop _ crying? _His siblings needed him! He needed to tell them, but every time he tried, he just remembered the pain that came with the information, as if it was happening again. The grips on his arm as he heard secrets screamed at him, the kicks and punches and… 

_ STOP IT! _

Nick turned around, shoving his face into the wall, and screaming into that. 

He suspected, deep down, that he wouldn’t ever be okay again, that something had happened to him that had changed him completely. 

But that didn’t make accepting that fact any easier. 


	9. in which Lilac and Nick are very pissed off

**CHAPTER NINE**

_ in which both Lilac and Nick are very pissed off _

“We’re almost there.” 

Quigley glanced up at Violet; they were, indeed, almost to the top of the slope. “Hopefully it’ll be a faster trip down!” he called over the wind. 

“Don’t say that, we’ll just end up falling or some shit.” Violet said. 

“Pfft, we’ll be fine.” 

“I like your optimism, but I’d rather not tempt fate.” 

“What do you think we’ll find up there?” 

“Set!” 

Quigley glanced at her. “What does ‘set’ mean?” 

Violet’s face lit up. “I didn’t say that.” she said. 

“Set!” _ “I knew you’d find me!” _

Violet beamed, and hoisted herself up to the top of the waterfall, yelling, _ “Sunny!” _

_ “Violet!” _

Violet ran across the ice, glancing briefly over her shoulder to make sure Quigley got up alright behind her. As soon as he clambered onto the waterfall, Violet leapt across the snow. 

Against Count Olaf’s car, Sunny was climbing out of a casserole dish, running forwards with her arms held out. Violet raced over and then jumped down, picking up Sunny in a tight hug and almost collapsing into the snow. 

“Sunny! Sunny, you’re okay!” 

“Violet! _ Violet!” _

Violet pulled away slightly, checking her over and pushing her baby sister’s bangs out of her eyes. “Are you hurt? What did they do to you? Did they-” 

“Nocere!” Sunny said, which meant something like, _ “I’m alright, they haven’t done anything too bad.” _

Violet glanced over her again. “Where’d you get that coat?” 

“Uncus!” _ “The hook-handed man made it so I didn’t freeze.” _

“But you’re not hurt?” 

Sunny looked over Violet’s shoulder. “Duncan?” 

Violet jumped and turned, seeing Quigley slowly coming over; he looked a bit confused, as if he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to be here or not. “No, Sunny. That’s Quigley. He’s the survivor of the fire Jacques was talking about, and he’s been helping us, he led us to headquarters with a map he drew himself.” 

“Oh.” Sunny nodded, saying, “Arigato,” which meant, _ “I appreciate your help, Quigley,” _ and then she asked, “Senio?” which meant, _ “Where are the others?” _

“They’re waiting for us at the bottom of the waterfall.” Violet said. 

“Were you the one who signalled us?” Quigley asked, as Sunny dragged them behind the car and put a finger over her mouth to signal them to quiet down. 

“Yep. Lox.” 

“Count Olaf’s been making you do the cooking?” Violet asked, horrified. 

“Cinderella.” Sunny huffed. 

“Okay, well-” Violet began. 

She jumped, then, when they heard a scratchy yell. 

“Where _ are _you, you toothy little freak?” 

Sunny’s eyes widened, and she whispered, “Hide.” Violet opened her mouth to protest, but Quigley had already grabbed her hand and was starting to drag her under a car. 

Almost as soon as they disappeared under the automobile, Count Olaf and Esme Squalor stepped over. “Ah, there you are.” they heard Olaf say. “At least you stayed in your casserole dish.” 

“You better get cooking, orphan.” Esme said. “Tomorrow is False Spring, and it would be very In to have a False Spring dinner.” 

“You hear that, baby? My girlfriend wants a stylish dinner. Get to work.” 

“Olaf! We need you!” the deep voice said, and Violet and Quigley backed up against the car tires, suddenly feeling even colder. Two more pairs of feet appeared in their line of vision, and Olaf and Esme suddenly flinched. Violet jumped, and then flinched again as her fork-shoes hit the tire, slowly puncturing it; air started to filter out, and she really hoped nobody heard it. 

“Yes, Olaf,” said the man, “Our recruitment pan will happen first thing in the morning, and we’ve just figured out what you can do.” 

“Can’t you ask one of the henchpeople?” Esme goaned. “Why should we do it?” 

“You’ll do it,” said the woman, her voice suddenly growing deeper, “Because I say so.” 

There was a long, ominous pause, and then Count Olaf said in a squeaky voice, “That’s a good point. Come on, Esme. We’ve bossed around the baby, so there’s nothing else to do around here anyway.” 

“That’s true.” Esme said. “I’m bored anyway, since we ran out of those green cigarettes. I want more of those, do you have more? No? Well, unless we want to scour the ruins of Headquarters for the Sugar Bowl-” 

“We already did that.” said the man, as the adults started to walk away. “It’s not there, so perhaps it’s at the Last Safe Place.” 

“Not in front of the baby!” Olaf said. 

Then there was silence for a few moments, and Violet and Quigley held their breath. Sunny waited an extra minute or so before peering under the car. “Coastkleer.” 

“Those were terrible people!” Quigley said, climbing out and helping Violet to her feet. 

“They certainly had an aura of menace.” Violet agreed. “Who were they, Sunny?” 

“Nosra,” Sunny said, which meant, _ “A man with a beard but no hair and a woman with hair but no beard; they’re arsonists who burned down the Headquarters.” _

“The others are decoding a message that survived the fire.” Violet said. “Hopefully they’ll be done by the time we take you down. Come on, we’ll strap you to my back.” 

Sunny looked at her, and then stepped back. “Nogo.” 

“Why on earth _ not?” _Violet asked. 

“Unasanc.” Sunny said. _ “Those villains mentioned the last safe place, and I need to spy on them to find out more.” _

“Absolutely not.” Violet said. “Sunny, it’s not safe for you here. Firstly, Olaf wants you to cook dinner-” 

“Coquus.” Sunny said. _ “I can do that. There’s enough ingredients to make spinach rolls in the trunk, including an eggplant that’s about as big as I am.” _

“Sunny-” 

“Matahari,” Sunny added, meaning something like, _ “Serving them dinner will be the perfect time to listen to conversations.” _

“If there’s a place where volunteers are gathering,” Quigley said nervously, “Then we need to know where it is.” 

“No!” Violet said. “I’m not going to leave my baby sister on top of a mountain!” 

Sunny slowly walked over to Violet, and then said, “I’m not a baby.” 

She gave Violet a tight hug, and Violet looked down and saw that it was true. 

“But… how will you get away once you find out?” 

Sunny smiled, and pulled a small string from Violet’s coat, and then used the scrap of fabric to tie her bangs and hair back into a ponytail. 

“I’ll invent something.” 

Violet and Quigley managed to reach the bottom of the slope just as it was getting dark, and he said, “The ice seemed less solid on our way down.” 

“By the time False Spring arrives,” Violet said, taking off her shoes and flinching as her socks hit snow, “The slope will probably be only half-frozen.” 

“Hopefully we’ll be on our way to the Last Safe Place by then, with Sunny.” Quigley said. 

“And your triplets, too.” 

They walked into the ruins, and saw the rest of the Baudelaires; Nick was hugging himself on a chair while Solitude stood on his lap and played with his hair, Babbitt still frozen on the table, and with Klaus and Lilac looking over ashy pages. 

Lilac noticed them first, and she immediately vaulted herself over the table, running over. Klaus tried to follow her, only to almost fall on the ground, only saved because Nick threw his arm out to catch him. 

“Wha happened? What was up there?” Lilac asked. 

Nick and Klaus ran over, Nick holding onto Soli, and Violet said, “It’s Sunny! Sunny’s at the top, she was the one signalling us, she’s with the troupe-” 

“Sunny?” Klaus asked. 

“Is she safe?” Nick asked. 

“How’d she get up there?” Solitude asked. 

Lilac’s face fell. “Where is she now?” 

“She’s still up there.” Violet said. “We-” 

_ “Excuse me?” _

“Hold on, listen.” Violet held up her hands, as Lilac’s face went a very worrying shade of red and Nick almost dropped Soli. “Listen. She’s fine, they’re not hurting her. She wanted to stay behind and spy, she needs to find out about the Last Safe Place-” 

“You _ left her?” _Lilac shouted, and Nick placed Solitude onto the ground, a dark look on his face. 

“Why would you _ do that?” _ Klaus asked. “She’s a _ baby!” _

“She’s not a baby anymore.” Violet said, smiling a little. “She’s grown up quite a bit-” 

“She is an _ infant, _and you…” Lilac shut her eyes. “Alright, give me your shoes.” 

“No!” 

“If _ you _ won’t bring her down, _ I will!” _

“Lilac, no, we’re just lucky they didn’t spot us-” 

“I don’t _ care, _ I am _ getting her back!” _

Lilac tried to push past Violet, who grabbed her arm and spun her around. Lilac let out a frightening yell, trying to rip her arm away, and Quigley quickly retreated a few steps, realizing he was about to witness a family argument. 

“Let _ go!” _

“No, Li-” 

“Listen to _ me!” _ Lilac shouted. “I don’t know what you _ think _ you did or what you think she can do, she is a _ baby, _ she cannot be around those _ people _ any longer, and we need to _ protect her!” _

“We _ need _ to get to the Last Safe Place!” Violet shouted. “It may be the only place we all can go!” 

“I don’t _ care!” _

“Listen, there were two people up there, a man with a beard but no hair and a woman with hair but no beard, they know-” 

Violet was cut off as Nick suddenly ran forwards and punched her. 

_ “What the fuck?” _Klaus shouted, as he and Quigley raced forwards to drag him back. Violet, in surprise, released Lilac’s arm, but the eldest Baudelaire only stepped back in shock as Nick threw off the other boys, fury bursting from him. 

“How _ could you?” _ he screamed. “Violet, how _ could you? _ She _ can’t _ be up there!” 

“Nick! Stop it!” Solitude shouted, starting to run over, hiking up her skirts and poncho so that she could go faster. 

“Nick!” Violet said. “Nick, I promise-” 

“No! I don’t wanna _ hear it!” _ Nick screamed. “I don’t wanna _ hear it, _ Vi! I don’t _ want her with these people!” _

“Nick-” Klaus began. “Nick, if Sunny thinks-” 

“I don’t care what she _ thinks! _ I thought I could fight them, and…” Nick shut his eyes as Solitude grabbed onto his leg. “And you left her up there with _ them, _ and with _ dangerous arsonists-” _

“You know them?” Violet asked, shocked. 

“I know what they can _ do!” _ Nick screamed, tears springing to his eyes, and he stepped forwards, breaking a shocked Solitude’s hold. “And Sunny shouldn’t be near them! How _ dare _ you? How _ dare _ you just let her stay there? Would you have _ let me stay?” _

“Nick!” Violet shouted. “Of course I-” 

“I _ know, _ Vi! I know what they’ll do to her, what they’re probably _ already doing to her!” _

“She’s not hurt!” 

_ “She could be!” _ Nick ran forwards and pushed her back, and Klaus and Quigley started, prepared to run and grab him again. “She _ could be, _ and now how the _ fuck _ are we going to get her back?” 

“She can handle it!” Violet said. “She’s not helpless!” 

“Yes, she _ is!” _ his voice broke. _ “I _ was helpless! I thought I wouldn’t be, but I was! And she’s a _ baby! _ I was almost thirteen!” Tears streamed down his face, as he pushed her again. “I was almost thirteen, and I was _ wrong!” _

“Nick! We’re not just gonna leave her with them!” Violet shouted. “I promise, I promise, it’s not like you. They’re not hurting her, and she can spy, and she’s going to be okay!” 

“No, she’s _ not! _ You think they’re just gonna let her go? Vi, I tried to escape _ so _ many times, and _ none _ of it worked! It just made it _ worse! _ You think _ she _ has a chance? As soon as she _ tries- _they’ll…” 

“Everyone stop!” Quigley said. He and Klaus ran forwards, standing in between Nick and Violet, and then he said, “Listen, we’re sorry! But we all need to calm down a second.” 

“No, _ you _ need to listen to _ me!” _ Nick shouted. “You weren’t the one who got…” he cut himself off again and stepped back, throwing his hands over his face and shaking. “You didn’t… you don’t… you… we have to _ get her back.” _

“We _ will.” _ Violet vowed. “Nick, Lilac, we _ will _ get her back. But she can _ do _this. I believe in her.” 

“But…” Lilac shut her eyes and tried not to cry. “But she… Klaus?” 

Klaus bit his lip, watching Solitude toddle over to Nick and hug him again. “I… I trust Sunny. But Vi, Nick’s right, we can’t just expect her to escape without a hitch. We’ll need some kind of plan.” 

“What did you find out?” Violet asked, staring at the ground. 

“We found Verbal Fridge Dialogue,” Klaus said, awkwardly stepping around Lilac, who pushed past the crowd to sit against the wall and bury her head in her lap. “It’s a bit complicated but basically, number of olives shows a day- Thursday- for a meeting, mustard referred us to a poem, poem referred us to… well, a river.” 

“So we got nothing.” Lilac said. 

“No, no, that’s gotta be something.” Quigley said. “I can find tidal charts, or a map of the area… but we did find something. The Volunteers are meeting at the Last Safe Place, on Thursday. Soon as Sunny finds out where the Last Safe Place is, we can go there.” 

“I think you’re all _ forgetting,” _ Nick said, still sounding very upset, wiping his eyes with his sleeve, “That she _ can’t _escape.” 

“We’ll climb back up and get her tomorrow morning.” Violet said. 

“They’ll know she’s gone!” Nick said. 

Klaus bit his lip. “And if they’re at the top of the waterfall, they’ll be able to see everything, so even if we get back down the slope, they’ll know where we are.” 

“They outnumber us.” Lilac said, standing up and pushing her hair back, still struggling not to cry. 

“Maybe…” Violet considered. “Maybe we could arrange a trade?” 

“If we had something he wanted more than Sunny,” Klaus agreed, “We could trade that. But what do we have that he’d think was more important?” 

“We have me.” Lilac said. 

“Yeah, no, _ that’s _off the table, bitch.” Violet said, grabbing her sister’s arm again and dragging her closer to the group. “No more sacrifices. We promised.” 

“Maybe me?” Quigley said. “I mean, if he wants the Quagmire fortune-” 

“That’s not happening, either.” Klaus said. 

“I can get out. I’m good with-” Quigley began. 

“No.” Nick said sternly. “We’re not letting that bastard get anywhere near you.” 

“He loves money.” Lilac said. “Maybe if we could figure out how to get our fortune right now, we could trade that.” 

“Sure, Li.” Solitude said. “We can get the fortune in the middle of the mountains while we’re on the lam.” 

“Well, do you have any better ideas?” Lilac said. 

“He loves fire.” Violet said. 

“He can make his own fire, he won’t trade Sunny for that.” Lilac said. 

“Then _ what-” _

And then Nick said, “I have an idea.” 

He didn’t sound… right. His siblings and Quigley looked over at him, a bit startled to see how, as he stared ahead at them, his eyes had gone very dark, and his voice very low. 

“Nick?” Lilac asked. 

Nick narrowed his eyes. “We have to trade for someone we love. So we take some_one _he loves.” 

Violet’s eyes widened, and Klaus gasped. 

“Olaf doesn’t love anyone.” Solitude said nervously. 

“Wrong.” Nick practically growled. “He loves _ her.” _

They stared at him, and then Lilac clarified for the startled Soli. “Count Olaf loves Esme Squalor.” 

“So,” Nick said, “We capture the bitch, and trade her for our baby sister.”


	10. in which Nick spills some Bitter Tea

**CHAPTER TEN **

_ in which Nick spills some Bitter Tea _

“Alright.” Quigley said. “We’ve got it.” 

Him, Violet and Lilac had pulled burnt wood over the top of the swimming pool, which had been emptied of water some time before. Solitude had just finished tying Quigley’s rope to the end of the archway, in case one of them fell and needed a way out. Nick was standing off to the side with the Verdant Flammable Device, as well as Colette’s hand mirror. He watched the moon above them; night would be over soon, and he’d be able to light the device using the scientific principles of convergence and refraction of light. Esme wanted cigarettes, which she thought the devices were, so she’d come for them. And they’d be ready. 

Lilac sat beside Nick, as Solitude walked over and crawled onto his lap, cradling a frozen Babbitt in one of her hands. Violet, Klaus and Quigley sat near them, and soon they were all in a small circle. 

“Is this the right thing to do?” Violet asked. 

“Who gives a shit anymore?” Nick huffed as Solitude cuddled against his sweater. 

“Nick, we’re  _ kidnapping _ someone to hold for ransom.” Lilac said, curling up. “Is this what our parents would do?” 

“Our parents aren’t here.” Klaus sad. “They might have been here once, but they’re not now.” 

They fell quiet and stared at the center of the circle, where the box of Verdant Flammable Devices was placed. 

“He took Sunny first.” Nick finally said. 

Lilac shut her eyes. “Count Olaf captured Sunny, and we may have to capture someone ourselves to stop him.” 

Nick nodded, and then he spat, “We’ll just have to fight fire with fire.” 

“What if she sees us before she falls in?” Quigley asked. 

“We can hide behind the archway.” Violet said. “And wear our masks, they’re still here. Then she won’t even know who has her. We can pretend to be Volunteers-” 

“Sure.” Nick said. “We can be Volunteers who want to recruit our innocent little baby. They’ll believe that.” 

That last bit didn’t sound sarcastic. “Nick, buddy, do you need anything?” Klaus asked. 

“I need you all to shut the fuck up.” Nick said. 

“Nick.” Lilac carefully put her arm around him. “Is there something you want to tell us?” 

Nick scratched his arm and bit his lip, and then he said, “I just… think you’re a bit too excited about VFD.” 

“Why wouldn’t we be?” Quigley asked. “Jacques said-” 

“Jacques  _ lied.”  _ Nick said, and Quigley jumped. “VFD isn’t great, Quigley, and it isn’t noble.” 

“Y-yes it is!” Quigley said. “The book-” 

“They  _ wrote  _ that book, Quigley! To convince people to join them! But your siblings saw through that  _ shit.  _ Do you even know what they  _ do?”  _

“We… we seek knowledge. We keep secrets-” 

“You’re spies for a cult.” 

“No, we’re not!” 

“Stop fighting!” Solitude shouted. 

“You’re spies for a fucking cult,” Nick said, “And  _ our parents were, too!”  _

“Nick!” Lilac shouted. 

“Nick, our parents-” Klaus began. 

Nick threw his hands over his ears, and started to shake. “VFD  _ made _ him! They made all their own enemies! This is  _ their  _ fault and I want you all to shut the  _ fuck _ up about them, okay? Shut the  _ fuck up!”  _

They stared at him a moment, and then Violet said, “We should get some sleep. Before we kidnap Esme.” 

Nick huffed and stared at the ground, and then Lilac said, “We can sleep in shifts-” 

“I’ll guard.” Nick said. 

“You need sleep.” Klaus reminded him. 

“Fuck off.” NIck said, lifting Solitude off of his lap. “I’ll be over there.” 

He walked over to a fallen pillar, sitting on it and staring off into the distance. 

His siblings watched him, and then Solitude said, “What’s a cult?” 

“It’s…” Klaus hesitated. “It’s a group that religiously worships something, but the group is detrimental to the individuals. Like when a group says they’re a religion, but make their members donate all their money or sacrifice their entire lives. They… make people feel like they’re part of something, so that they’ll feel like they have no choice but to stay, because they think they’ll be nothing if they leave.” 

Solitude shivered, and Quigley stared at the ground. 

“VFD doesn’t make people sacrifice money, does it?” Solitude asked. 

“I… I don’t know.” Lilac said, her voice shaky. “We don’t know a lot about it.” 

“Why did our parents keep it a secret?” Violet asked. “Why keep any of this secret? They should have told us.” 

“Maybe they didn’t want us in danger.” Lilac whispered. 

“Or maybe Nick’s right.” Solitude said. “And they didn’t want us in the curt.” 

“Cult.” Klaus corrected. 

“It’s  _ not _ a cult!” Quigley raised his voice. “It’s a noble organization that our parents were in! They… they must’ve had a reason for not telling us anything. We’re helping people.” his voice broke slightly. “We’re  _ helping… we’re…”  _

Violet put an arm around him, and he leaned onto her shoulder. Her siblings glanced between them, and then Lilac said, “I’ll switch out with Nick when he gets tired. We really should get some sleep. We can talk about this when we have Sunny back.” 

“We will get her back, right?” Klaus said. 

Lilac put a hand over his, and promised, “We will. I don’t care what we have to do. We’ll get her  _ back.”  _

Nick watched the sunrise, scratching his arms and bouncing his legs and trying to focus. Focus on when the light would be high enough to use the mirror to light the device, on what he was going to do when  _ she _ showed up… he’d have to face her. But he’d have a mask, and be with his siblings. It’d be like the carnival. He wouldn’t be seeing her  _ alone.  _ And… and he’d be in control. 

He sighed and leaned against the fallen pillar, staring up at the sky. He bounced his leg faster, and then started to recite to himself. 

_ “They fuck you up, your Mom and Dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had…”  _

“Then add some extra, just for you.” 

Nick jumped and turned, to see that Quigley had walked over. “It’s okay.” Quigley said, holding up his hands, as if to show he wasn’t armed. “It’s just me. Lilac wanted to swap out with you a while ago but she fell asleep. I… I just woke up. Have you been awake this whole time?” 

He nodded. “I don’t sleep much anymore.” 

Quigley slid next to him, also bouncing his legs. 

“Where’d you learn the poem?” Nick asked. 

“Isa had a huge collection of what me and Duncan called ‘goth poetry.’” Quigley said, smiling. “She likes to recite, too. Verbal stim.” 

Nick nodded. “Yeah.” 

“Where’d you learn the poem?” 

Nick didn’t answer. 

Quigley took a breath. “Look, I’m-” 

“I’m sorry I blew up at you.” Nick said, deciding to look anywhere but at Quigley. “But I… I can’t talk about things much without my… my emotions going nuts. I… found out a lot of stuff while  _ they  _ had me, and… I guess my mind connects the knowledge with… I’m sorry.” 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been so… defensive.” Quigley said. “And I’m sorry that happened to you.” He shut his eyes. “Are… are you sure Duncan and Isadora are okay?” 

“They’re better than I am.” Nick curled up and put his chin on his knees, rocking slightly. “They were… I was being serious, when I said they’re the only reason I’m still alive.” 

Quigley bit his lip. “They think I’m dead, don’t they?” 

Nick nodded. “But they miss you a lot.” 

“I don’t want them to miss me, I want them to see me.” Quigley sighed. “But you… you said that they’re… not fans of VFD?” 

“They read the book and saw through the propaganda, yeah.” 

“It’s-” Quigley cut himself off. “Sorry. I just…” 

“It’s okay. You got sucked in. I probably would’ve if it wasn’t for them.” Nick glared at the ground. “Maybe our parents wanted that. To trade us into VFD once we were old enough.” 

“What does that mean?” 

“It means they kidnap kids and call them recruits, Quigley. Did you ever hear  _ The Little Snicket Lad?”  _

“I know it’s an old nursery rhyme, but Mother said I wasn’t allowed to listen to it. I just assumed it had curse words or sexism.” 

“Nope.” Nick said. 

“Is it about Jacques?” 

“His brother. The verses tell the story of a baby living on a farm. And you wanna know what the chorus is?” 

“I’m guessing it’s not good.” 

Nick shut his eyes. 

_ “And then they took him, yea, they took him _

_ They took him far away  _

_ They took him in the dead of night  _

_ Beneath a moon of gray _

_ They took him from the kitchen _

_ Like you’d take a midnight snack _

_ The VFD they took him _

_ And they never brought him back.”  _

“It’s… it’s just a nursery rhyme.” 

“It’s not. Snicket’s real. And he…” Nick shivered. “Let’s just say he’s definitely real. Maybe even still alive.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“I’m not sure about a lot of things anymore,” Nick put a hand over the space on his jacket that he knew his mother’s necklace was under, “But I don’t present guesses as facts. You wanna know the coda?” 

“Not especially.” 

_ “When we grab you by the ankles _

_ Where our mark is to be made _

_ You’ll soon be doing noble work  _

_ Although you won’t be paid  _

_ When we drive away in secret,  _

_ You’ll be a Volunteer…”  _

Nick spat out the last two lines, staring daggers at the ground, while Quigley shivered beside him. 

_ “So don’t scream when we take you _

_ The world is quiet here.”  _

They sat in silence for a long while. And then Quigley said, “What happened to you was really fucked up.” 

“Same with you.” 

They sat in silence for a little longer, and then Nick said, “Okay, subject change, was the slope climbing a date or not, because I have a bet with Lilac-” 

“What?” Quigley jumped. 

“If you know what’s good for you,” came Lilac’s voice from behind them, and then she jumped over the pillar and slid beside them, “You won’t answer that.” 

Nick bit his lip. “How long have you been awake?” 

“Not long. The sun’s about up.” Lilac said. “So… I guess we’re doing this.” 

Nick clenched his fists. “Yeah. We are.” 

“Look.” Lilac said. “We don’t…” 

Nick stood up, taking the mirror and the box of devices. “Let’s fight fire with fire.” 

“What are you doing over there?” 

Sunny glanced over her shoulder as Count Olaf and Esme Squalor exited their tent; Esme was wearing some sort of gaudy flame dress that looked like someone had set her on fire. Sunny really wished someone had set her on fire. She looked back to the White-Faced Women, before kicking her casserole dish to the side. 

“We were just asking the baby what she was doing with the eggplant.” said a woman. 

“Who gives a damn?” Olaf said. “We have a recruitment to get started. Just think, we’ll have more troupe members today than ever before!” 

“We’ll need them, if we’re going to set the Hotel Denouement on fire.” Esme said. 

Sunny covered her mouth so they couldn’t see her smile. 

God. They were so fucking dumb. 

“I’ll open us a bottle of wine!” Olaf said. 

“I’d get us green cigarettes,” Esme said, “But I can’t find any more. Why do the worst things always happen to me?” 

Sunny raised an eyebrow at her. 

“Begging your pardon,” said one of the White-Faced Women, “But there’s some green smoke down at the bottom of the waterfall.” 

“Really?” Esme asked eagerly, and she ran to look in the direction the henchwoman was pointing. Sunny crawled around the car to see a familiar plume of smoke. 

_ What are they trying to say to me?  _

“That’s strange.” Olaf said. “You’d think there’d be nothing left of the headquarters to burn.” 

“Look how much smoke there is!” Esme said. “There must be a whole pack of cigarettes down there!” 

“I’ll have the baby go down and get them for you.” Olaf said. 

“Yessir.” Sunny hid her smile again. 

“No! The baby would probably steal all the cigarettes for herself!” Esme huffed. “I’ll go myself!” 

“Climbing down would take forever.” Olaf said. “Don’t you want to be here for recruitment?” 

“Don’t worry, darling,” Esme said, going towards the toboggans, “I’ll be back in moments. I’ll just take one of these and be on my way.” 

“Bitch.” Sunny said, which meant something like,  _ “Bitch.”  _

“What was that, baby?” asked a White-Faced Woman. 

Sunny sat down and crossed her arms. “Goo-goo.” she said, which meant,  _ “I’m just a helpless baby, ignore me.”  _

“Get into the casserole dish until it’s time for you to cook again.” Olaf said. “As for the rest of you! Help me with the net!” 

“Is that Esme?” Klaus asked. 

Violet gave him a look from where she stood with the spyglass. “Who  _ else  _ would wear a dress like that?” 

“Come on,” Lilac said, “We can hide in the library.” 

The group turned and ran, not wanting to be in sight when Esme Squalor got to the bottom of the hill. Klaus grabbed onto Nick’s arm, and he said, “Nick, are you gonna be-” 

“I’ll be  _ fine.”  _ Nick spat, not looking him in the eye. “Let’s just trap the shithead, okay?” 

They ran under the archway that still stood to mark the library, scampering back. 

“You think she’ll find the pit?” Violet asked. 

“We set the fire over there.” Nick said. “She’ll find it.” 

They all looked to each other uncomfortably, except for Nick, who just stared up at the sky. Then Klaus glanced up, too, and said, “What’s that? Under the archway?” 

The siblings peered up, and realized there were four words etched under the “Library” marker. 

“The world is quiet here.” Quigley read. 

Lilac shut her eyes. “The world is quiet here.” she repeated. “I’ve heard that so much. And it… it sounds familiar. Like I  _ should  _ know it.” 

“Familiar?” Solitude asked. 

Lilac nodded, lost in thought. “I think… a very long time ago. Before the twins were born, maybe.” 

“You think someone said those words to you?” Violet asked. 

Lilac shook her head and hummed slightly. “I think… someone sang them.” Quigley and Nick shared a look, and then Lilac said, “I think we’re doing the wrong thing.” 

“No, we’re not.” Quigley said. 

“We agreed to fight fire with fire.” Nick said. 

“If everyone fought fire with fire,” Violet said quietly, “The entire world would go up in smoke.” 

“I…” Klaus said carefully, picking up Solitude, who leaned onto his shoulder, “I remember reading a book by a famous philosopher, where he said… ‘Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.’” 

Nick shook his head, as Quigley asked, “What happened to that philosopher?” 

“He’s dead.” Klaus said. “Lilac’s right. We shouldn’t do what they do.” 

“We’re not becoming monsters, Klaus.” Nick said. “We’re getting our sister back. Besides, it’s not like we’re gonna traumatize her.” 

“It’s wrong.” Lilac said, her eyes tearing up. “We’re doing something wrong.” 

“This is bad.” Solitude muttered, her eyes widening. 

“Oh my gosh…” Quigley backed up, putting his hands on his face. 

“We’re doing something bad.” Violet said. 

And then Nick snapped. 

“Who  _ cares?”  _

They jumped. “Nick!” Lilac said. 

“Who cares if it’s bad?” Nick said. “The world’s been shit to us forever, Li. We’ve had to hurt and lie to survive. Who cares if we kidnap a villain? We’re just doing it to get Sunny. We’re not doing it to steal or kill someone innocent.” 

“Nick, we’re trapping a woman to ransom her off!” Violet said. “None of that rings alarm bells?” 

“Oh, like the alarm bells you heard when Sunny said she wanted to stay on the mountain?” 

“Nick, you need to stop.” Lilac said sternly. “Listen, we won’t let Esme hurt you, but we can’t hurt her, or we’ll become her.” 

“No.” Nick stepped back. “No, you’re just going to let her go. We can’t let her or  _ him  _ get away with this! Not when they have Sunny! Not when they’re getting away scot-free!” 

“Nick, please.” Klaus said, as their baby sister whimpered. “You’re scaring Soli.” 

“Everything’s going to be okay.” Violet promised, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Nothing will go wrong, we’ll just put on our masks and tell her she’s about to walk into a trap, and then pull her up the slope.” 

“We can figure out another way to get Sunny.” Klaus said, as Quigley left to grab the masks. 

Nick looked from his twin, who was giving him a comforting smile, to Violet, who was still holding his shoulder, to Solitude, who was watching him cautiously, as if she wasn’t sure if she’d have to console him or not. And then he looked to Lilac, who was still staring up at the archway. 

_ The world is quiet here.  _

And then Nick said, “No.” 

He ripped himself away from Violet, pushed past Klaus, and tackled Quigley to the ground. 

“Nick!” Violet shouted, as Lilac whipped around and gasped. 

“What the-” Klaus began. 

“Nick! Hey!” Quigley shouted, trying to throw him off, but Nick just threw a hand over his mouth and pulled him back. 

“Nick! Let go of him!” Violet started forwards. 

That’s when they heard the crash, and Esme’s scream. 

They all fell silent for a second, and then Nick let Quigley go. 

He stood up, and calmly walked past them, through the archway, and towards the abyss. 

By the time his siblings thought to run towards him, he was already at the pit, circling over to the far side. He knelt by the empty hot tub, staring down past the broken wood. She’d stepped right on it, and he could see through and see  _ her.  _ She was pacing and shouting, furious. 

“Get me out of here at once! Being trapped in a hot tub is even less In than getting in a hot tub on purpose!” 

“Nick!” Lilac whisper-shouted; his siblings and Quigley had stopped at the other edge of the pit. “Get back here!” 

“I can make a pulley to get her out.” Violet muttered, pulling out her ribbon. 

“No.” Nick said, his voice eerily calm. “Let her rot.” 

He looked down at the pit, at the exact moment Esme looked up. 

There was a flash of recognition, and then she smirked. “Well, well, well.” she said. “If it isn’t Beatrice’s little angel.” Nick’s hand flew to his necklace, as his glare intensified. “Fancy seeing you here, I thought you were supposed to be smashed at the bottom of the mountains.” 

“Fancy seeing you here.” Nick said. “I thought you were supposed to be somewhere in the second circle of hell, but I guess you can’t have everything, can you?” 

“Nick!” Lilac shouted. 

“Oh, wonderful!” Esme turned, able to glimpse the other children. “Your brat siblings survived, too. And who’s that?” she narrowed her eyes at Quigley. “Wait, no. I know you. We had you, too. Didn’t you get sent up in a balloon?” 

“Why he’s here doesn’t matter.” Nick said, and then he smiled very coldly and said, “What matters is you’re our hostage now, so I’d suggest you shut the  _ fuck _ up and do what we tell you to do.” 

Esme let out a wicked laugh. “That’s not how this works, orphan. You’re a  _ Baudelaire,  _ you’re a  _ Volunteer,  _ and Volunteers are too weak to get what they want.” 

Nick’s face darkened, and he waited for Esme to finish laughing before he said, very clearly, “I am  _ not _ a Volunteer.” 

He reached to the side, grabbing a broken plank, and he used it to smash more of the shattered wood. Esme screeched and leapt back, and Lilac ran forwards as fast as she could, grabbing his arms and yanking it back. 

“What are you  _ doing?”  _ she asked. 

Nick glared at her, trying to pull away, and he said, “I’m showing her we mean  _ fucking  _ business!” 

He finally opened his hands and dropped the plank, and Lilac let go, stepping back. “Nick, this isn’t  _ you.”  _ she said, tears springing to her eyes. 

Nick gave her a long look, and then he said, “I haven’t been myself for a long time. And it’s because of  _ her  _ and her  _ fucking  _ organization.” He turned to the others, and he said, “We’re bringing her up to trade for Sunny. Get everything ready. I’ll make sure our path is clear.” 

He looked back down at Esme, who was giving him the most vicious glare she could. She hissed, “You’re truly your Mother’s son, aren’t you, you little shit?” 

“I’m not.” Nick said, and then he added, “She’s not the one who did this to me. And listen up, bitch.” He knelt down again so he could get as close to her as was safely possible. “If you lay a fucking finger on any of them,” he gestured to his siblings and to Quigley, “Or to Sunny, what I do to you will be a million times worse than what you’ve already done. And don’t think that I won’t or can’t. This is what  _ you _ did.” 

He stood back up, and said, “Now tie her to something.” 


	11. in which Carmelita gets adopted

**CHAPTER ELEVEN **

_ in which Carmelita gets adopted _

After Nick had stalked off, Solitude kicked Klaus. “Put me down.” she said. 

“Soli?” Klaus asked. 

“You deal with her.” Solitude gestured to Esme. “Put me down.” 

Klaus glanced at the others, and then he slowly placed the toddler on the ground. She ran off, holding her skirts up and following Nick out. 

He had stopped at the edge of the headquarters, sitting down on a dusty step and gripping tight onto the edge of his jacket, shutting his eyes and breathing hard. Solitude moved up slowly, but she made sure she was loud enough that she wouldn’t scare him into thinking someone was attacking him. 

“Nick?” she called once she was a few feet away. 

“Go away.” he said. 

“Nick.” she said again, finally managing to reach him. She sat beside him, putting her small hand on his arm. “Nick.” 

“What?” He wasn’t even looking at her. 

She leaned her head onto his shoulder and said, “Why?” 

“We’re getting Sunny back, no matter what.” 

She bit her lip, trying to find a better way to phrase her question. 

“Why are you so happy about it?” 

“I’m  _ not.”  _ Nick huffed, curling up. “I hate it, too, Sol. But we have to get her back, and that won’t happen if- if she doesn’t think I’ll-” he shut his eyes. “I don’t enjoy hurting people.” 

“Her?” 

“I just…” 

Solitude crawled onto his lap, looking up at his face. He still wouldn’t open his eyes and look at her. “You want her to feel what she made you feel?” she guessed. 

He nodded. 

“Because she hurt you. She hurt you bad.” 

Nick made a sound that confused Solitude for a moment; she thought he might have gasped, and she wasn’t sure why. She’d just restated what he’d told her. Then she realized that the noise was him trying to hold back a cry. 

Solitude leaned over to hug him again, and then she said, “How’d they hurt you?” 

“I can’t tell you that.” his voice was all choked up. 

“Will it help you?” 

“It won’t help _ you.  _ I don’t want you… thinking about it.” 

“But you want her to think about it?” 

“Because she’s  _ evil. _ Her and her stupid boyfriend and…” Nick was breathing very hard. “And everyone. I feel like… like the whole world’s against us.” 

Solitude thought hard about that, her eyes widening. The  _ whole world?  _ That sure was a lot of people, and they probably had better supplies than the rest of them. Bigger numbers, more money and food and luck and… 

That didn’t matter. 

Soli hugged him tighter, and then said, “If they are, at least we’re on the same side.” 

Nick finally opened his eyes to look down at her, and he started to sob. 

Sunny may be a toddler instead of a baby now, but it looked like Solitude had grown up, too. She wasn’t a toddler anymore. 

A long while later, Lilac approached them cautiously, and when Nick turned, she said, “We got something.” 

Nick wiped his eyes with his sleeve, and then he said, “O-okay. How are we getting the bitch up the waterfall?” 

“Mush!  _ Mush!”  _

Nick whipped around and shouted, “Esme, if you don’t shut the  _ fuck _ up, I’ll  _ make you,  _ alright?” 

Violet and Lilac had figured out how to get them back up the slope; they’d taken the toboggan Esme had used to get down and tied it around all of their waists; they quickly added the rest of the forks to everyone’s shoes, while they managed to get Esme strapped to the sled. She was oddly quiet most of the time, aside from the occasional snark. The only one not pulling the sled was Nick, who moved slightly above them and tapped the ice, Solitude strapped to his back, Babbitt snugly stuck into her pocket. She’d actually managed to fall asleep on the way up, rocking against her brother’s back. 

Her other siblings and Quigley were definitely not as relaxed, and not just because they were dragging a villainess up a slope in order to ransom her off for Sunny’s safety. Firstly, Nick still was barely looking at them, and seemed much more furious and  _ violent  _ than they’d seen him before; he kept stabbing his forks into the waterfall as if he planned to impale it completely. Secondly, the slope itself was creaking and groaning and did not seem like it would hold for long; the multiple fork punctures, the toboggan ride, and the increasing temperatures of False Spring were causing the ice to thin quite a bit. The Baudelaires and Quagmire were not sure that it would hold for very long. 

“What are we going to say to Count Olaf?” Klaus asked. “What if he doesn’t trade Sunny for Esme?” 

“We could tell him he’s surrounded.” Lilac suggested quietly, nervously glancing at Esme, who thankfully didn’t seem to be listening. 

“He can see everything from up there, he’ll know we’re bluffing.” Violet muttered. 

“We’ll think of something, I know it.” Quigley said. “Don’t worry.” 

“Worry a lot.” Nick said, turning towards them. “We’re almost there.” Then, quietly, he said, “Who wants to go first?” 

They fell silent, and then Lilac said, “You go up behind us. Make sure Solitude’s awake.” 

Nick nodded, and Lilac said, “Alright, guys. Now or never.” 

She hoisted herself and Violet over the cliff first, as they were in front, and then Klaus and Quigley followed. They dragged the sled up, and just as they got it, they heard a call of, “Who goes there?” 

“Us, you asshole!” Violet shouted. 

Nick climbed up, just as Olaf moved around the black car, giving them very frustrated looks. Behind him came the two mysterious arsonists, also looking incredibly angry. As the Baudelaires stepped forwards, Quigley sticking very close to them, they could see the rest of the troupe, as well as their former coworkers, climbing out of their tents to watch. 

“Miss us?” Klaus asked, crossing his arms, as Nick moved to stand by him, taking Solitude off of his shoulders so he could hold her. 

The woman with hair but no beard scanned the group, her eyes narrowing and her voice dropping in a way that made them all feel very worried. “Baudelaires.” 

“I thought you said they were all dead.” said the man with a beard but no hair. 

“They’re  _ supposed _ to be.” Olaf snarled. His eyes darted between them. “How did you escape the cliff?” 

“That’s not important.” Lilac said, straightening herself up and trying to look sure of herself. “What’s important is we’re offering a trade.” 

Olaf raised his eyebrow. “A trade?” 

Lilac nodded, struggling not to break under his stare. “We want to trade Esme Squalor for our sister.” 

“You can’t trade Esme, she’s right there.” Olaf said. 

“Only because we captured her, you fuckwit.” Nick said, his voice strangled as he spoke through his teeth, his eyes burning into the Count. 

Olaf turned to him, a flash of surprise in his eyes, and then he said, “Why, my dear Nick, I thought you knew  _ better _ than to talk back.” 

Nick’s eyes darted to the ground as his breathing quickened, and Solitude hugged him tight. He glared back up and spat, “We’re trading Esme Squalor for Sunny Baudelaire. And then maybe we’ll let you all live. How’s that?” 

Klaus and Lilac flinched, giving him a concerned look, but Violet just grabbed Quigley’s hand, stood up straighter and said, “We want our goddamn sister.” 

“That’s funny.” Olaf said, not looking worried at all, crossing his arms and smirking. “Because we already have Esme.” 

The group turned, and Quigley and Lilac swore under their breath as Esme stood up. She had a large knife in her hands, which she’d used to cut the ropes binding her to the sled. She strutted past the kids, waving the knife around. 

“You see,” she said, as Nick’s face fell into a horrified stare, “I was  _ going _ to just threaten them into carrying me back up, but it turns out they just volunteered to bring me up themselves.” 

She gave Olaf a side-hug as Solitude stared quickly whispering comfort, and Lilac said, “You little…” 

“Hold on, weren’t there five of them?” asked Colette, who was sitting on the hood of the car and didn’t seem to quite understand what was going on. 

“Hello.” Quigley waved awkwardly. “I’m a Quagmire.” 

“Doesn’t matter.” Olaf said, turning to the Baudelaires with a wicked grin. “You know what? I’m very glad you’re not dead. Now I can have some  _ fun _ with you.” 

Klaus instantly jumped in front of Lilac, and Quigley grabbed onto Violet’s arm, as Violet put an arm around Nick. Nick, who had started shaking again, turned to Olaf with a very dark glare. 

“Where. Is. Sunny?” he hissed. 

“The freak’s in her casserole dish.” Olaf shrugged. “Not that it matters.” 

Nick took a deep breath, and then said, his voice breaking, “Don’t act like I don’t  _ know  _ what you’d do to her. If you have laid a single fucking hand on my sister, there will be hell to pay.” 

“Oh?” Olaf laughed wickedly. “What are you children going to do about it? In fact, you know what?” He walked over to a small casserole dish behind the car, picking it up. “I have all of you now, and you’ll get the fortune much sooner. I might as well toss the baby off the waterfall.” 

“No!” Lilac screeched, about to jump forwards. 

“Let go of her!” Klaus shouted. 

Nick let out a cry, and Violet had to hold him back, though her other hand flew to the knife still in her pocket. Quigley glanced down at his shoes, wondering if the forks would make effective weapons. 

“Boss, wait!” said the Hook-Handed Man, looking incredibly concerned. 

“Well, then, orphans,” Olaf said, swinging the casserole dish around, “Give me one good reason I shouldn’t!” 

“We can still trade!” Klaus shouted, desperate. 

“What could you possibly give us?” Esme asked. 

An idea came to Lilac, and before she could think about whether or not it was a good one, she blurted it out. 

_ “We will take Sunny Baudelaire in exchange for the location of the Sugar Bowl!”  _

There was a deathly silence as everyone stared at the Baudelaires. 

And then Esme screeched, “You  _ know  _ where it is? Give it to me!  _ Give  _ it to me!” 

“Give us the sugar bowl!” Olaf shouted. 

“We’ll- we’ll trade it for Sunny.” Klaus said quickly. 

“Give us our sister, and then we’ll tell you where the Sugar Bowl is.” Violet said. 

“I can’t just give up the baby!” Olaf shouted. “She’s our ticket to the Baudelaire fortune!” 

“The Sugar Bowl is more important than some silly fortune!” Esme shouted. 

_ “Silly  _ fortune? They probably don’t even know where the Sugar Bowl is!” 

“Yes, we do!” Quigley shouted, thinking quickly. “Jacques Snicket told me before he died!” 

“You never met Jacques Snicket, you were in that statue the whole time.” said a White-Faced Woman, confused. 

“I’m not Duncan or Isadora!” Quigley hissed. “I’m Quigley Quagmire, I survived the fire, and Jacques Snicket told us where the Sugar Bowl is, and we’ll trade that information for Sunny!” 

“Well,” Olaf groaned, “Some days you just  _ can’t  _ win, can you?” 

“Darling, give them the biting brat!” Esme hissed. 

“Stealing this fortune is for the greater good!” 

“Getting the Sugar Bowl is the greater good!” 

“Enough!” ordered the man with a bear but no hair. “We can’t have you arguing all day long! We have recruits to pick up.” 

“Don’t you  _ fucking _ dare-” Nick began, gripping tightly onto Soli, who looked about ready to cry, her eyes fixed on the casserole dish. 

Olaf sighed and passed the dish over to one of the White-Faced Women, who was joined by her sister to help hold it. Then, the two mysterious arsonists stepped together closer to the car, and pulled two shiny whistles from under their coats. They blew, and the children instantly threw their hands to their ears, hearing an enormous rustling above their heads. They turned and saw, to their astonishment, hundreds and hundreds of eagles soaring above their heads. 

“When the schism occurred,” cried the woman with hair but no beard, “The volunteers may have won the carrier crows and reptiles, but we have the two most powerful mammals in the world to do our bidding- the lions and the eagles.” 

“Eagles aren’t mammals!” Klaus cried out in frustration. “They’re birds!” 

“They’re slaves.” said the man with a beard but no hair. “And they do what we say, if they want to avoid these.” He shook his coat slightly, enough that the children could see a sturdy, thick whip tied underneath. “And in a few moments, they’ll carry away those idiot children who think they’re going to celebrate False Spring.” 

“Oh no.” Quigley’s eyes widened. 

“Those uniformed brats will be captured,” said the woman with hair but no beard, “And each one of them will be given the exciting opportunity to join us.” 

“They’ll never join you!” Lilac shouted. 

“Either they’ll join us or be our prisoners, it doesn’t matter.” the woman shrugged. “But one thing is for certain- we’ll burn down every single one of their parents’ homes and take their fortunes for ourselves.” 

“Once you tell us where the Sugar Bowl is,” said the man, stepping forwards threateningly, “You’ll be given that opportunity, too.” 

“No, thank you.” Quigley said. 

“We’re not interested.” Violet said. 

“Get fucked.” Solitude said. 

“You won’t succeed.” Lilac said desperately, looking to the casserole dish the White-Faced Women still held. “We have- we have backup-” 

“It’s too late to bullshit us, Baudelaires.” Count Olaf said. “Here they all come now.” 

The villain pointed in the direction of a rocky path, and the children gasped upon seeing the uniformed Snow Scouts, walking in two neat lines, maskless and bored-looking, and following Carmelilta, who was wearing a tiara and a smirk, and Bruce, who had a spring pole in one hand. 

Carmelita stopped after a few feet, glaring at the crowd. “What are all you cakesniffers doing here?” she demanded. “I’m the False Spring Queen, and I order you to go away!” 

“Why, hello, dear Snow Scouts.” said the woman, a false smile painted onto her face. “We’re here to help you celebrate!” 

“No! No, they’re not!” Lilac shouted. 

“It’s a trap!” Violet cried. 

“Turn around and run!” Klaus shouted. 

“Pay no attention to these children.” Count Olaf said quickly. “The mountain air has gone to their heads. Take a few steps closer and we’ll all join you in this special celebration.” 

“We’re happy to accommodate.” Bruce said. “After all, we’re accommodating, basic-” 

“No!” Nick shouted. 

“There’s a net hidden under the snow!” Quigley shouted, spotting the edges peeking out around them. 

“And those eagles are going to help them kidnap you!” Klaus added. 

“The net is decoration,” Esme waved her hand, “And the eagles are wildlife!” 

“Please listen to us!” Klaus begged. 

Carmelita narrowed her eyes. “You cakesniffers look familiar.” she said. “Do I know you?” 

“We were your classmates!” Lilac said. “But that doesn’t matter-” 

“Oh! Yes!” Carmelilta grinned wickedly. “You’re the cakesniffing orphans from the orphan shack!” She glanced at Nick. “You punched me in the face.” 

“They’ll do worse.” Nick said, almost too quiet for anyone to hear. 

“You’re just cakesniffing orphans trying to ruin my special day!” Carmelita huffed. She ripped the pole from Bruce’s hands and marched across the field, stepping onto the ice of the waterfall and laughing. “I crown myself False Spring Queen!” 

She slammed the pole into the ice, and a large crack appeared, rushing through and down the waterfall; it looked like the mountain was about to split in two. 

“Now, why doesn’t everyone come forwards and dance the False Spring Dance?” Esme called, clapping delightedly. 

“Sounds good to me.” said Kevin, as he, Hugo and Colette stepped into the center of the net. “After all, I have two equally strong feet.” 

“And we should really be accommodating.” Hugo said. 

“Absolutely!” Bruce agreed. “Come on, Snow Scouts, we are-” 

The Snow Scouts began to recite, marching right into the center of the net, but the second they were all inside, the woman with hair but no beard blew her whistle, and the eagles dropped. 

Several eagles swooped down, grasping onto the edges of the net and lifting i high into the air. Carmelita, who was standing outside the net, screamed and jumped back, covering her head with her gloved hands. Nick clutched Solitude to him as tightly as possible, his face going white and his shaking getting even worse. He let out a scream, as the Snow Scouts gasped and shouted, and Bruce called, “What’s going on!” 

“What’s happening?” shouted a Snow Scout. 

“I’m scared!” 

“Honestly,” said one bored-looking girl, “I’m just happy something different is going on this year.” 

“Why are you recruiting us, too?” Colette asked, peering from the net. “We already work for you.” 

“We’ll pick you up on the way to the Last Safe Place.” Olaf waved his hand. 

The man with a beard but no hair blew his whistle, and the eagles flew off. Esme giggled and ran to grab something from the tents, while Carmelita stepped back, confusedly staring after the birds. 

“Now that we have the eagles,” said the man, “We can finally catch up to that self-sustaining hot air mobile home.” 

“No!” Quigley shouted, his eyes flashing with terror. 

The woman and man just gave him a smirk, and then whistled again, and two eagles carried them away. 

“Don’t you dare!” Nick shouted. 

“No!” Violet cried. “Don’t-” 

“This is getting tiresome.” Olaf said. “I’d forgotten how annoying you all are together. I only need one of you alive to get your fortune and the Sugar Bowl, and you’re already here for us to grab.” He turned to the White-Faced Women, and said, “Throw the brat over the waterfall.” 

“No!” Lilac screamed. 

But to their surprise, one of the women also said, “No.” 

Olaf looked just as shocked as they did. “What?” 

“We said no.” said the other White-Faced Woman, and the two of them placed the casserole dish on the ground. “We don’t want to be part of your schemes any longer.” 

“We lost our parents and sibling in a fire.” said her sister. “And we don’t think that was a coincidence anymore.” 

Olaf gaped. “Obey my orders this instant!” he yelled, but the women just shook their heads, turned away from the villain, and began to walk away. Olaf took a deep breath, and then said, “I don’t need them! I don’t need anyone to complete my plans! I can throw the baby over myself!” 

He raced over and grabbed the casserole dish, and hastened to the side of the waterfall. Lilac screeched and ran forwards, followed closely by her siblings, only to watch as Olaf hurled the casserole dish over the edge. 

“No!” Nick screamed, as Solitude let out a loud wail. 

“Sunny!” Klaus shouted. 

Lilac’s voice broke in a cry, and then Violet shouted, “You fucking piece of shit!” 

“Well,” Olaf smirked, “At least we got rid of the baby.” 

“I’m  _ not a baby!”  _

Everyone jumped and turned to see Sunny herself crawl out from beneath the villain’s car, beaming, her hair still tied back. Soli cheered, and Lilac ran to her and lifted her up, hugging her tight. 

“What the hell?” Olaf shouted, looking down the waterfall. “I just-” 

“Eggplant!” Sunny giggled. 

“She put an eggplant in the dish.” Klaus said, smiling. 

“Wow, you’re all fucking idiots.” Quigley said. 

“Nothing is going right for me today!” Olaf huffed. “I’m beginning to think washing my face was a waste of time.” 

“Now, now, Olaf,” Esme emerged from her tent, slinging a bag over her shoulders, “We still have the Baudelaires within our grasp. Just toss five of them over the cliff.” 

“That’s true.” Olaf said, as Lilac retreated to stand in front of her siblings, and Violet put her arm around Nick again. The Count smirked and said, “Now, Lilac is the eldest, so we’ll have to wait the least amount of time.” 

Esme glared at him. “We don’t need that ugly girl. Having an infant servant was fun.” 

The Baudelaires backed up, with Violet grabbing Quigley’s arm, just as Carmelita, who had been watching this all in some kind of daze, volunteered, “Oh! You could smash Klaus’s glasses and watch him bump into things!” 

“That’s an excellent idea.” Olaf said, turning to her. 

“Why, you’re an adorable little girl.” Esme said, stepping closer to the girl. “Would you like to join us?” 

“Join you?” Carmelita asked. 

“I could buy you all sorts of In outfits.” Esme said. “And we can give you some exciting adventures.” 

“Don’t believe them, Carmelita!” Quigley shouted. “They’ll burn your parents’ house down!” 

“Who are you going to believe, Carmelita?” Olaf asked. “Those orphans, or the adults?” 

“Carmelita, don’t listen to them!” Violet cried. 

“Carmelita, don’t join them!” Lilac shouted. 

“You’re making a monstrous decision!” Solitude said. 

“Carmelita,” Olaf said, in a sickeningly sweet voice, “Why don’t you choose one orphan to live, and push the others off the cliff, and then we’ll all go to a nice hotel together.” 

“You’ll be like the daughter we never had.” Esme said. 

“Or something.” added Olaf, as he approached Carmelita. 

Carmelita glanced to the children, and then back to the adults. “Do you really think I’m adorable?” she asked. 

“I think you’re the most adorable little girl I’ve ever seen.” Esme said. 

“Don’t listen to them!” Quigley pleaded. 

“Carmelita, run!” Klaus shouted. 

Carmelita just smiled and gave Esme a hug. She turned towards Olaf, starting forwards, and just then, Nick thrust Solitude into Violet’s arms and raced ahead of her, pushing her back. 

“Hey! You cakesniffer!” Carmelita shouted. 

“Get away from her!” Nick shouted. 

Olaf snarled and swung his hand, slapping Nick across the face. Lilac screamed and started forwards, but Klaus pushed her back, gesturing to the wide-eyed Sunny in her arms, before he started running. 

Nick let out a terrified screech, as Olaf grabbed tightly onto his arm, yanking him closer. Nick screamed again, tears springing to his eyes. He ripped his arm back, barely managing to break Olaf’s grip, and he shouted, his voice cracked and choked up,  _ “Touch me again and I’ll skin you alive!”  _

“Now, now,” Olaf chided, stepping closer to him, “That’s no way to talk. Apologize.” 

Klaus threw himself in front of his brother, holding out his arms. “Get away from him!” he shouted, as Nick grabbed onto him, burying his head in his twin’s shoulder. 

Olaf started forwards, and Quigley and Violet ran forwards, too, grabbing onto Klaus and Nick and dragging them back. Solitude flipped Olaf off, and Lilac, still holding a now angry Sunny, ran to help her siblings. 

“Oh, stop being so annoying.” Olaf said. “You’re at a disadvantage, Baudelaires. We can just throw you off the cliff right now. There’s nowhere to go.” 

Sunny narrowed her eyes, and then said, “Rosebud.” 

Her siblings understood. 

“Sled! Now!” Lilac cried. 

They ran to the toboggan, rushing to squeeze on. Lilac pushed Sunny into Klaus’s arms and started pushing as everyone pressed together, and then she leapt onto the back as it went right over the waterfall. 

“We’ll be right behind you, Baudelaires!” roared Olaf, but they could only barely hear him over the sound of cracking ice. 

“Oh, shit.” Klaus said, looking back at the waterfall; droplets were starting to splash out as the ice cracked. 

“We’ll have a head start, we punctured his tires.” Violet shouted, clinging to Solitude and Nick, who looked like he was going to throw up, and not from the sudden drop. 

“He’ll have to take the path down!” Quigley added. “Maybe we can reach the Last Safe Place before he does!” 

“Hotel Denouement!” Sunny cried. “Overhear! Hotel Denouement!” 

“Good work, Sunny!” Violet said proudly, grabbing onto the leather straps at the front of the toboggan, steering it away from a ledge. 

“I bet I can find it, I have a city map somewhere-” Quigley said. 

“Fuck!” Violet shouted, as the sled jolted to the right, hitting onto a large crack. 

“What did you do?” Lilac cried. 

“The steering mechanism is broken!” Violet said. “Dragging Esme up must have weakened it!” 

“Son of a-” Klaus said. 

“At this velocity,” Lilac said, eyes wide, “The toboggan won’t stop!” 

“What do we do?” Solitude asked. 

“Drag your shoes across the ice!” Violet cried. “The forks should slow us down!” 

Lilac, Violet, Klaus and Quigley stuck their shoes against the ice, but it didn’t seem to help much. “Hold on!” Violet shouted, pulling the bread knife from her pocket and thrusting it into the ice. 

The blade hit the crack, and the Baudelaires heard what sounded like a huge shattering. 

In one crash, the ice burst apart, breaking to pieces, and the waters of the Stricken Stream rushed down the slope. The Baudelaires barely managed to take a deep breath just as the toboggan was forced underwater, as Lilac reached forwards and put her arms around Klaus and Violet, who had their arms around Nick, and Solitude and Sunny clung to their older siblings. 

But as the toboggan reached the surface, tumbling down the Stricken Stream, they realized someone was gone. 

“Quigley!” Violet screamed, whipping around. 

Quigley was barely bobbing above the water, barely gripping onto a piece of wood that might have been from headquarters. “Violet!” he called, terrified. 

“Quigley!” Violet screamed, and her siblings joined in, calling for their friend. 

Quigley barely managed to stay afloat, and he called, “Wait for me! The Last Safe Place! Wait for-” 

The Baudelaires heard no more, as a sudden fork in the stream jolted their toboggan to the right, and Quigley’s plank was forced to the left. 

“Quigley!” Violet’s voice broke, starting to cry. 

“He’s alive!” Klaus shouted over the rushing waters. “He’s alive, Violet!” 

“He’ll be okay!” Lilac promised, but Violet just sobbed. 

The sled rushed down the waters, and it was all the Baudelaires could do to hold onto each other as they rushed towards the sea. 

“Are we all here?” Klaus asked, not able to see a lot without turning around, which might threaten to break his siblings’ hold. 

“Sound off!” Lilac said, also starting to cry. “Like when Mom and Dad took us to the zoo and it got crowded!  _ One!”  _

“Two!” Violet barely managed to say. 

“Th-three!” said Nick, through his sobs and shakes. 

“Four!” Klaus said. 

“Five!” Solitude called. 

“Six!” Sunny shouted, clinging tight to Lilac. 

They heard a small chirp, and then Solitude cheered, “Seven! Babbitt’s awake!” 

“Just hold tight!” Lilac shouted, as the sled hurled out of the river and into the ocean. 

For several hours- or perhaps some very long minutes- the Baudelaires just held each other as the toboggan rushed through the cold waves of the sea. Nick was sobbing and shaking, and him and Violet just cried and held each other, and Klaus and Lilac kept their arms tight around everyone, and Solitude and Sunny clung to the older Baudelaires and tried not to think about the treacherous waters beneath them. 

After a while, the toboggan slowed enough that they didn’t feel like they were in imminent danger, and Nick burst out, “I’m  _ sorry!  _ I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m-” 

“Don’t be!” Klaus said, pressing himself against his brother for comfort. “Don’t be, Nick!” 

“It’s my fault!” 

“No! Don’t think that!” Lilac said. “This isn’t our fault, okay? It’s  _ his.”  _

“We just need to get somewhere safe.” Violet said, barely over her own tears. 

“Eye!” Solitude shouted, and everyone turned and stared. 

In front of them, as the waters slowed, what seemed to be a giant eye peered out of the water. But as they watched, it rose, and they realized the eye was made of metal. 

“It’s a periscope!” Klaus said. “From a submarine!” 

“And it’s got their symbol.” Nick sobbed, and they realized that the eye, indeed, made a VFD. 

The toboggan slid to a stop, bumping against a bit of metal, attached to the periscope. 

“There’s a submarine beneath us.” Lilac gasped, as they all struggled to breathe normally. 

“Hello?” Klaus called to the periscope. 

Sunny pointed, having spotted a hatch against the metal. The closest Baudelaires, Violet and Solitude, started to pound on it. 

“Hello!” Violet cried. 

“Shalom!” Solitude added. 

Over the sound of the water, they heard a voice, from beneath the hatch, very echoey. 

“Friend or foe?” 

The Baudelaires looked to each other, confused. “Well,” Lilac said, shaking and clinging to Sunny, “There’s only one answer that will get us in.” 

“Friend!” Solitude called. 

The echoey voice spoke again. “Password, please.” 

The Baudelaires glanced to each other, confused. “We don’t know a password.” Klaus said. 

“We can’t just stay out here!” Violet said. 

“It’s a VFD Submarine.” Nick said, leaning against his siblings and trying to stop crying. “So… so it’ll be…” 

Lilac realized first. 

She leaned forwards to the hatch, and shouted, “The world is quiet here!” 

There was a pause, and then the hatch opened. 


	12. in which Lilac is a Disaster Lesbian

**CHAPTER TWELVE**

_ in which Lilac is a Disaster Lesbian _

“Is everyone okay?” Lilac asked. 

The Baudelaires shakily looked to each other as they stumbled down the ladder. They heard the echoey voice beneath them, shouting instructions, but they weren’t really paying attention; Nick had once again strapped Solitude to his back, and Lilac was struggling to reach the ground with Sunny in her arms. 

“As good as we can be.” Klaus said. 

“How’s your arm?” Violet asked. 

“I’ll be fine.” Lilac said, glancing down. “It’s not even that bad.” 

The voice got louder as they descended, and they could hear, “Aye! Don’t fall! Mind your step! Aye! Don’t trip! Don’t make noise! Don’t scare me! Don’t look down! No, look where you’re going!” 

“Aye?” Sunny asked. 

“Another word for ‘yes.’” Klaus defined. 

“Aye! Keep your eyes open! Look out below! Look out above! Look out for spies! Look out! Aye!” 

The Baudelaires almost found themselves giggling; even Nick, who was not having a good day in the slightest, smirked slightly. “God.” he muttered. “I wish we’d died in the stream.” 

“Shh! We’re almost there!” Violet giggled. 

They reached the bottom of the ladder, finding themselves in a tight passageway. Lilac carefully placed Sunny on the ground but still held her hand, while Nick just shook and grabbed onto Klaus’s arm, still keeping Solitude on his back. “It’s too small.” he whispered. 

Klaus gave him a comforting squeeze. “There’s probably a big room up ahead.” he said. “Let’s go down and see.” 

They started down the hall, still hearing the voice, sounding cheerful and a bit scattered. “Hold onto the railing! Aye, on, hold onto yourselves! No, hold onto your hats! No, hold onto your hands! No, hold on! Wait a minute! Wait a second! Stop waiting! Stop hesitating! Stop war! Stop injustice! Stop bothering me! Aye!” 

When the Baudelaires finally reached the end of the passage, they found themselves stepping into a small, dim room, and standing in the room, a very tall man dressed in a shiny suit with a picture of Herman Melville etched onto it. 

“There are a lot of you aren’t, there?” he said. “Wait, no- there are less than I thought. Is there less than there should be? No, that’s six. There were six of you? Hello! Good afternoon! Howdy!” 

“Um, hello.” Lilac said. “I’m Lilac B-” 

“Baudelaire!” the man interrupted. “I know! I’m not stupid! Aye! You’re the Bauelaires! The six Baudelaire children! Aye! The ones _ The Daily Punctilio _blames for every crime they can think of but you’re really innocent but nevertheless in a big heap of trouble! Of course! Nice to meet you! In person! So to speak! Let’s go! Follow me! Aye!” 

The man whirled around and stomped out of the room, and Nick, still clinging to Klaus’s arm and trying not to cry, said, “Oh, I’ve got a _ great _feeling about this already.” 

“Shut up, Nick.” Klaus said, squeezing his hand again, as they followed the man. 

They went down a hallway covered in pipes, listening to the man ramble on and on. Sunny yawned and rolled her eyes, but Lilac was too tired and stressed to scold her. 

“Let’s see! I’ll put you to work right away! Aye! No- first I’ll give you a tour! No- I’ll give you lunch! No- I’ll introduce you to my crew! No- I’ll let you rest! No- I’d better get you into uniforms! Aye! It’s important that everyone aboard wear a waterproof uniform in case the submarine collapses and we find ourselves underwater! Of course, in that case we’ll need diving helmets! Except Sunny, we don’t have one that can fit her, so I guess she’ll drown! No- she can curl up inside a diving helmet! Aye! The helmets have a tiny door on the neck just for such a purpose! Aye! I’ve seen it done!” 

“Can we kill _ him?” _ Violet whispered, looking very annoyed. "I bet I could drive the sub."

Lilac spoke up. “Excuse me, but could you tell us who you are?” 

The man spun around on his heel, looking aghast. “What? You don’t know who I am? I’ve never been so insulted in my life! No- I have. Many times, in fact. Aye! I remember when Count Olaf turned to me and said, in that horrible voice of his- no, nevermind. I’ll tell you. I’m Captain Widdershins. That’s spelled W-I-D-D-E-R-S-H-I-N-S. Backward it’s S-N-I-H-S-R- well, nevermind. Nobody spells it backward! Except people who-” 

“Is this your submarine?” Nick asked, already tired. 

“What? You don’t know whose submarine it is? A researcher like yourself and you haven’t the faintest knowledge of submarine history?” 

“Actually,” Nick sighed, laying his head on Klaus’s shoulder as Soli wriggled around to try and get a good view of the captain, “He’s the researcher, I’m an… well, I…” 

“Of _ course _ this is my submarine! It’s been my submarine for years! Aye! Have you never heard of Captain Widdershins and the _ Queequeg? _Have you never heard of the Submarine Q and its Crew of Two? That’s a little nickname I made up myself! With a little help! Aye!” 

“Um-” Violet began. 

“I would think Josephine would have told you about the _ Queequeg! _After all, I patrolled Lake Lachrymose for years! Poor Josephine! There’s not a day I don’t think of her! Aye! Except some days when it slips my mind!” 

“Nottooti?” Sunny asked, as Nick finally moved to unstrap Soli from his back. 

Captain Widdershins looked down at Sunny with a frown. “I was told it would take me some time to understand everything you said! I’m not sure I’ll find the time to learn another foreign language! Aye!” 

“What my sister means,” Lilac said, “Is that she’s curious how you know so much about us.” 

“How does anyone know anything about anything?” Widdershins replied. “I read it, of course! Aye! I’ve read every Volunteer Factual Dispatch I’ve received! Although lately I haven’t received any! Aye! That’s why I’m glad you happened along! Aye! I thought I might faint when I peered through the periscope and saw your damp little faces staring back at me! Aye! I was sure it was you, but I didn’t hesitate to ask you the password! Aye! I never hesitate! Aye! That’s my personal philosophy!” 

The captain stopped in the middle of the hallway, and pointed to a brass plaque attached to the wall. A large VFD eye was carved into the top, and beneath it, the words THE CAPTAIN’S PERSONAL PHILOSOPHY. 

Widdershins read the words underneath for them. “He who hesitates is lost!” 

“Or she.” Violet added, pointed to a pair of words in scratchy handwriting. 

“Ah, aye,” the captain said absently, leading them down the hall again, “My stepdaughter added that! Aye! And she’s right! ‘Or she’! One day I was walking down this very hallway and I realized that anyone can be lost if they hesitate! A giant octopus could be chasing you-” 

“You know,” Nick muttered to Klaus, as Widdershins prattled on, “I was kidnapped, tortured in practically every way and then shoved into a statue-” 

“If you say, ‘but I’d rather be there than listening to this shit,’” Klaus said, “I’m going to slap you.” 

“Well, I was going to say ‘bullshit’, does that count?” 

“I’m glad you’re past your ‘let’s kill everyone’ spurt,” Klaus said, “But this dark humor isn’t gonna help.” 

“What are you, a therapist?” 

“I’m just-” 

“Maybe if I hadn’t hesitated,” the captain continued over the boys’ argument, “The _ Queequeg _would have been repaired by now! Aye! The Submarine Q and its Crew of Two is not in the best of shape, I’m afraid! Aye! We’ve been attacked by villains and leeches, by sharks and realtors, by pirates and girlfriends, by topedores and angry salmon! Aye! That’s why I’m glad you’re here, Lilac and Violet Baudelaire! We’re desperate for someone with mechanical smarts!” 

Lilac bit her lip. “We’ll see what we can do.” 

“Though Lilac’s better at repair than I am.” Violet added. 

“Well, take a look!” Captain Widdershins shouted, before walking to a large metal door and swinging it open. 

The Baudeaires followed him into an enormous room, filled to the brim with pipes, between all of which were either panels of knobs, gears and tiny screens, or tiny signs saying things like _ DANGER! WARNING! _ or _ HE WHO HESITATES IS LOST! _ Here and there were a few green lights, and at the far end was a huge wooden table piled with books, maps and dirty dishes, underneath a large porthole. 

“This is the belly of the beast!” Widdershins announced. “Aye! It’s the center of all operations aboard the _ Queequeg! _This is where we control the submarine, eat our meals, research our missions and- hold on!” 

He strode over to a panel and ducked his head beneath it. “Fiona! Come out of there!” 

Lilac glanced around the room, starting to tie back her hair. “I could probably work with this.” she said. “I’ve seen panels like these before, and I read a book on-” 

She immediately stopped speaking and her face went a bright scarlet as a girl swung herself out from under the panel. 

A girl about the same age as Lilac slid out, rushing halfway across the floor on a small wheeled platform. She had a suit just like Widdershins’s, and she tossed a thick braid over her shoulder as she handed a pair of pliers to her stepfather before grabbing a pair of triangular eyeglasses off of the shelves. 

“Baudelaires,” the captain said, “This is Fiona, my stepdaughter. Fiona, these are the Baudelaires.” 

“Charmed.” Fiona smiled, extending a gloved hand towards Lilac. 

Lilac stared, completely frozen at the sight of her. 

“Um, hello.” Violet shook her hand, shooting Lilac a concerned look. “Sorry, we’re all a bit shocked.” 

“That’s understandable.” Fiona said, shaking Klaus’s hand. Nick also flinched back, so she knelt down to shake hands with Solitude and Sunny. “You’re probably very tired. Stepfather-” 

“We haven’t received telegrams in quite some time, but Fiona can’t quite figure it out, aye!” Widdershins said. “Lilac, get to work!” 

Fiona flinched. “You’ll have to get used to the way my stepfather talks.” 

“We don’t have time to get used to anything!” Widdershin cried. “This is no time to be passive! He who hesitates is lost!” 

“Or she.” Fiona corrected quietly. She turned to the Baudelaires. “I’ll help you find uniforms, and then you can help with the telegram machine. I can’t make heads or tails of it.” 

“Me and Lilac might be able to figure it out.” Violet said. “Right, Li?” 

Lilac still had her eyes glued to Fiona, and her face was somehow getting redder. “Um…” was all she could say. “Um… I…” 

Nick realized what was going on first, and, to his siblings’ shock, he burst into a grin. “Oh.” he said. 

“I’m sorry.” Fiona narrowed her eyes. “Is something wrong?” 

“Come on, Lilac will be fine in a minute.” Nick said, elbowing Klaus. “She just needs to time to adjust. You know. Like Sappho.” 

Klaus and Violet gaped, suddenly understanding, and then they grinned, too. 

“What does-?” Fiona looked confused. 

“It’s not…” Lilac began. 

“Hurry up and get suited!” Widdershins bellowed. “Don’t hesitate! Aye! He-” 

“Is that Herman Melville on the suits?” Klaus interrupted, looking at the portrait. “He’s one of my favorite authors.” 

“Really?” Fiona asked. 

Klaus nodded excitedly. “I really enjoy the way he dramatizes the plight of overlooked people, such as poor sailors or exploited youngsters, through his strange, often experimental philosophical prose.” 

“Aye! He is a great author indeed!” Widdershins announced. “You’re a researcher, Klaus Baudelaire, is that correct? You and your brother can look over these tidal charts!” He gestured to a pile of papers on the table. “A certain taxi driver managed to smuggle these to me, but I can’t make head or tail of them! We have to figure out the exact course of the predominant tides at the point where the Stricken Stream meets the sea! Find uniforms and get to work immediately! Aye!” 

Nick bit his lip and glared. “We just got out of a raging river.” he said. “We fell off a waterfall.” 

“Yes, so you must get new clothes! Aye!” 

“I?” Sunny asked. 

“What can we do?” Solitude translated, grabbing onto Nick’s leg. 

“Perhaps you can look over the marine life in the area, aye!” Widdershins said. “You’re a biologist, right?” 

“Herpetologist.” Solitude said, and Babbitt chirped from her pocket. The sound went unnoticed by Widdershins, though Fiona gave her a curious glance. 

“As for Sunny, you can help in the kitchen! Aye!” Widdershins said. “Our second crewman has been in charge of cooking, but all he does is make terrible damp casseroles! I’m tired of them! I’m hoping your cooking skills might improve our meal situation!” 

“She’s a _ baby.” _Nick said. 

“I see that!” 

“Stepfather,” Fiona began, “Perhaps-” 

_ “I like your glasses!” _Lilac burst. 

Everyone fell silent, turning to stare at her. If Lilac’s face went any more red, it might explode. She grabbed a loose strand of hair- it was almost completely fallen from her pigtails- and pulled it over her face. 

Fiona bit her lip, and then gave her a smile and adjusted her glasses. “Thank you. I make them myself, we wouldn’t be able to trust optometrists even if we could get to the surface often.” 

Lilac pulled her hair even more over her face, and Violet giggled as Klaus said, “Oh, we get that. That’s very impressive.” 

“Yeah, I thought the triangular design-” 

“That’s enough!” Widdershins said impatiently. “You have to get them into uniforms! Aye! So Lilac and Violet can fix the telegram! Aye! And Nick and Klaus can read tidal charts! Aye! And Solitude can study marine life! Aye! And Sunny can help Cookie! Aye!” 

“Someone call for me?” 

The children heard quiet, uneven footsteps, and then a man limped through the door, wearing the same uniform as the captain and a wide smile on his face. “Baudelaires?” 

“Phil!” Violet cried. 

Klaus dragged Nick behind him as they ran over to Phil, and the toddlers followed closely; Lilac, still completely red, just glanced over and bit her lip. 

“Hello!” Phil said excitedly. “How are you all doing? I bet you’re doing _ great!” _

“What are you doing here?” Klaus asked. 

“He’s the second in our Crew of Two, aye!” the captain cried. “The original second in the crew of two was Fiona’s mother, but she died in a manatee accident quite a few years ago!” 

“I’m not so sure it was an accident.” Fiona said, but her stepfather ignored her. 

“Then we had Jacques!” the captain continued. “Aye, and then what’s-his-name, Jacques’s brother, and then a dreadful woman who turned out to be a spy, and finally we have Phil! Although I like to call him Cookie! I don’t know why!” 

“I was tired of working in the lumber industry,” Phil said, “And I was sure I could find a better job, and look at me now! Cook on a dilapidated submarine! Life keeps on getting better and better!” 

Violet smiled a little, as Nick clung a bit harder to Klaus’s arm. “I see you’re still an optimist.” 

“We don’t need an optimist!” Widdershins said. “We need a cook! Get to work, Baudelaires! All of you! Aye! We have no time to waste! He who hesitates is lost!” 

“Or she.” Fiona sighed. “And do we really have to start right this minute? I’m sure the Baudelaires are exhausted and confused. We could rest a little-” 

“Rest?” the captain said in astonishment. “We don’t have time for that! Aye! Today’s Saturday, which means we only have five days left! Thursday is the VFD gathering, and I don’t want anyone at the Hotel Denouement to say that the _ Queequeg _hasn’t performed its mission!” 

“Mission?” Solitude asked. 

“Aye!” Captain Widdershins said. “We mustn’t hesitate! We must act! We must hurry! We must move!” 

“We must shut the fuck up.” Nick muttered under his breath. 

“We must search! We must investigate! We must hunt! We must pursue! We must stop occasionally for a brief snack! We must find the Sugar Bowl before Count Olaf does! Aye!”


	13. in which I bang my head against a table because I have to pay attention to Widdershins

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN**

_ in which I bang my head against a table because I have to pay attention to Widdershins _

Nick flinched back and grabbed even harder onto Klaus’s arm, enough that he let out a cry. 

“Shiver me timbers!” Sunny said, giggling. 

“The Sugar Bowl?” Klaus asked. 

“Aye! The Sugar Bowl!” Widdershins bellowed. “Do you think the _ Queequeg _made its difficult way up the Stricken Stream just for fun? Aye? Do you think I would risk such terrible danger just for my own amusement?” Fiona raised an eyebrow there and shot Lilac a disgruntled look, which made Lilac blush harder. “Do you think it was a crazy coincidence you ran into our periscope? Aye?” 

“You were… looking for us?” Nick asked quietly, not looking very pleased. 

“For you! Aye! For the Sugar Bowl! Aye! For justice! Aye! And liberty! Aye! For an opportunity to make the world quiet! Aye! And safe! Aye! And we may only have until Thursday! Aye! We’re in terrible danger! Aye! So get to work!” 

“Bamboozle.” Sunny said, eyes wide. 

“My sister is confused, and so are we.” Violet said. “If we could just stop for a moment-” 

“Stop for a moment? I’ve just explained our desperate circumstances, and you’re asking me to hesitate! My dear girl, he who hesitates is lost! Now let’s get moving!” 

Nick and Violet both inhaled sharply, sharing identical looks of frustration, while Klaus took a deep breath, Solitude _ hmmph_ed and stomped her foot, and Sunny groaned. Lilac, meanwhile, was still staring at Fiona, who sighed. “Stepfather, why don’t you start up the engines, and I’ll show the Baudelaires where the spare uniforms are?” 

“I’m the captain!” the captain announced. “Aye! I’ll give the orders around here! Aye! I will start up the engines, aye!” He walked towards a small rope ladder and hoisted himself into the ceiling. 

“You must be overwhelmed, Baudelaires.” Phil said. “Why, I remember my first day in the _ Queequeg! _It sure made Lucky Smells seem quiet!” 

Fiona waited until her stepfather disappeared, and then she burst into a grin. “Phil, you go get the Baudelaires some soda while I bring them to the spare room and get the uniforms!” 

“The soda’s for special occasions.” Phil said. 

“It _ is _ a special occasion! We have six new volunteers!” Fiona was practically bouncing. 

Nick flinched. “I’m not a volunteer.” he said quickly. 

“It’s alright, we’ll deal with formalities later.” Fiona said. “What soda you prefer?” 

“Anything but parsley.” Violet said. Then she glanced at Lilac and said, “Though, if you have coffee, Lilac is gonna need that, she hasn’t had her fix in days.” 

“I don’t think we have coffee.” Phil said. 

“No, no, we do!” Fiona looked ecstatic, and Lilac let out a squeal as Fiona grabbed her hands. “One of our previous crewmembers, the one who later turned out to be stealing information on VFD headquarters, she stockpiled a _ shitton- _oh, sorry, I mean a lot of coffee.” 

“No, no, you’re fine.” Klaus said. “We swear all the fucking time.” 

“Thank fuck.” Fiona sighed. “Stepfather thinks it’s unladylike.” 

“Fuck that.” Solitude nodded, then she held out her hand, and Babbitt wriggled onto her palm. “This is Babbitt, my frog!” 

“Very fascinating.” Fiona knelt down. “That’s a rare species. Where did you get them? Wait, don’t tell me, from Dr Montgomery.” Solitude nodded. “You should be proud. This frog looks well taken care of, even though you’ve been on the run for so long.” She stood back up and said, “Well, like I was saying, I found a bunch of coffee stuff under her old bed, and while there’s not a lot of it left, there should be enough at least for today.” 

“Oh…” Lilac’s eyes widened. “If- if there’s not a lot-” 

“No, no! I’ll make you some coffee!” Fiona cheered. “This is a huge celebration! Come along, you can rest a bit while Stepfather’s not looking.” 

“I’ll get the rest of the drinks, then.” Phil said. He turned and started limping away. 

Klaus flinched. “I’m sorry about your leg, Phil.” 

“What?” Phil glanced down. “Oh, that wasn’t from the lumbermill. I was bitten by a shark last week! It was really painful, but most people don’t get the opportunity to see such a deadly animal up close!” 

He limped back through the kitchen door, and Fiona said, “Was he always this optimistic?” 

“Yes.” Violet said. 

“Honestly, I find it a bit tiresome.” Fiona shrugged. “Come along, Baudelaires. I’ll see if I can answer your questions as we walk - Lilac, come on.” 

The other Baudelaires had started following her down the corridor, but Lilac just stood and stared after her. Fiona sighed and grabbed her hand, which made Lilac look about ready to pass out. 

“Now, I’m sure you have lots of questions.” Fiona said as they walked. 

“Definitely.” Nick said. “Number one, how d-” 

“How did you know so much about us?” Klaus interrupted. 

Fiona smiled. “Your exploits aren’t exactly secret, Baudelaires. Nearly every day there’s been a story about you in the newspapers. Of course, those aren’t very trustworthy, but sometimes we can get the truth from them. We knew you’d been at the Village of Fowl Devotees, and at the Heimlich Hospital and Caligari Carnival, and that you must have figured out the secret message on the map that would lead you to Headquarters. I assumed you’d be heading down the mountain once you realized it was destroyed, so I set a course for the Stricken Stream.” 

Violet blinked at her. “You came all this way just to find us?” 

Fiona looked down. “Well, no. You weren’t the only thing at VFD Headquarters. One of our Volunteer Factual Dispatches- coded telegrams- told us that the Sugar Bowl was there was well.” 

Lilac finally spoke up, very quietly, as they maneuvered around a pipe. “We, um, didn’t see it in the ruins.” 

“It got thrown out the window when the fire began.” Fiona answered. “If they threw it from the kitchen, it would have landed in the Stricken Stream and been carried by the water cycle all the way down the mountains. We were seeing if it was at the bottom of the stream when we happened upon you.” 

“The stream probably carried it much further than this.” Klaus said thoughtfully. 

“I think so, too,” Fiona said, “And I’m hoping you can help me read my stepfather’s tidal charts. I can’t make head or tail of them.” 

“Nick and I can show you how to read them, it’s not difficult.” 

“That’s what worries me. If those charts aren’t difficult to read, then Count Olaf might have a chance of finding the Sugar Bowl before us. My stepfather says that if the Sugar Bowl falls into his hands, then all of the efforts of all the volunteers will be for naught.” 

They stopped at a small door, and Fiona said, “This is our supply room. You should be able to find enough uniforms for all of you. We have one that shrunk when stepfather tried to wash it that might be able to fit Solitude, though I’m afraid we might not have anything that would fit Sunny.” 

“Pinstripe.” Sunny said. 

Fiona let go of Lilac’s hand in order to open the door, and Lilac blushed again and translated, “What my sister means is that she’s used to ill-fitting clothing.” 

“Don’t worry, I know what she means.” Fiona smiled over at Lilac. “I used to speak similarly, and I remember a bit of it. You’ll also need diving helmets, in case this submarine springs a leak.” She sighed. “This submarine used to be in wonderful shape, but without a mechanic, it’s not quite up to its former glory.” 

“Well,” Violet said, smirking, “Good thing Lilac’s here. She’s _ great _at fixing things.” 

“Violet.” Lilac muttered, trying to get her to stop talking. 

“Fiona?” Nick said quietly, looking over at her. 

His siblings gave him a worried glance, and Fiona said, “Yes?” 

“If… if you and your stepfather have been following our progress- or lack thereof-” he stared at her, a soft accusation in his eyes. “Why didn’t you help us?” 

Violet and Klaus flinched; Klaus subtly squeezed his hand tighter, and Lilac and Violet stepped a bit towards him, remembering how furious he got the last time he encountered someone who could have helped them. He simply stared at Fiona, who looked very, very sad. 

“I wanted to.” she said. “Especially after we found out that you… nobody should be under the control of the firestarters. But my stepfather said we couldn’t do anything about it. That your troubles were too enormous.” 

Nick kept staring at her. “I don’t understand.” 

“I don’t, either.” she assured him, glancing down at Solitude, who had moved to hug her brother’s leg, and Sunny, who was curiously blinking up at her. “My stepfather said that the amount of treachery in this world is enormous, and that the best we could do was one small noble thing. That’s why we’re looking for the Sugar Bowl. You’d think accomplishing such a small task would be easy, but we’ve been looking for ages and still haven’t found it.” 

“What’s so important about the Sugar Bowl?” Solitude asked. 

Fiona sighed again, looking even more sad. “I don’t know.” she whispered. “He won’t tell me.” 

“Whyno?” Sunny asked. 

“He said it was better I don’t know. There are some secrets in the world too terrible for young people to know.” 

“If you’re risking your life for this thing,” Nick said, “You should know why.” 

Fiona swung the door open. “I think so, too. But I can’t do anything about it, can I?” She gestured for the Baudelaires to step inside the room and find their uniforms. “Your rooms are to the left, down the hall. You can share, or there’s two you can split.” 

They didn’t move for a second. Then Lilac reached forwards and grabbed Fiona’s hands in a comforting gesture, as Nick said, “You deserve better.” 

Fiona sighed, pulled away from Lilac, and left them alone. 

“So. Lilac.” Violet said, smiling as she rolled up the sleeves on her uniform, “What do you think of Fiona?” 

They had moved into the room with the most bunk beds, and Lilac had thrown up a curtain to give them some privacy while they changed. Solitude and Sunny were behind it now, with Soli helping her little sister get into her large uniform, as Lilac and Violet rolled back their sleeves- which were a bit too big- and Klaus adjusted his boots. Nick was still in his sweater, sitting on a lower bunk and hugging his knees. 

Lilac blushed and glared at Violet. “What do you mean?” 

Violet and Klaus shared an excited look. “She’s real pretty, isn’t she?” 

“Stop it.” 

“You _ like _her.” 

“Stop it!” 

“Thought we were too young to date.” Klaus giggled, sliding his commonplace book into a waterproof pocket. 

“No, no, dear brother,” Nick said, actually smiling a little. “That’s just us. Lilac’s fifteen, that’s practically an old maid.” 

“Shut _ up.” _

“Are you gonna marry her? Is she gonna be our new big sister?” Violet asked. 

“Why are you doing this to me?” 

“It’s karma.” Klaus giggled. 

“Also,” Nick added, “We’re your baby siblings, it’s our job.” 

“I will kill you.” Lilac huffed, sitting beside Nick in order to start braiding her hair back. 

“Good luck trying.” Violet sat on another bunk bed, fiddling with her ribbon. 

“Done!” Solitude called, pulling back the curtain as Sunny toddled through. “We just rolled up the pants a bit!” 

“Looks great, Sunny.” Lilac smiled. “Nick, you head back.” 

Nick flinched. “Actually, um, I… I kinda want to stay. In the sweater.” 

They all gave him sad looks, knowing why. “Well…” Lilac said. “You do need a suit. I… I can grab one a size bigger. You can probably put it over your clothes. It might be a bit loose-” 

Nick bit his lip. “I… um…” He shut his eyes and sighed. “Nevermind, it’s fine.” 

“Nick, really-” 

“I’ll just take this one. I don’t want to be any trouble.” 

“But-” 

“It’s fine.” Nick reached into his pockets, pulling out everything he had there- the handmirror, a box of Verdant Flammable Devices, and a small photo. 

Lilac eyed the picture as he put it on the table, next to the other items his siblings taken out of their pockets. “You still have that?” 

“You never asked for it back after the carnival.” he shrugged. “You can take it, it’s your baby picture.” 

“It’s… fine.” 

“It’s honestly a miracle it’s not wet.” Nick laughed slightly. “We were in that stream forever. Anyway, I’ll… I’ll just put my clothes under a bunk somewhere. Klaus, don’t leave that spyglass on the desk, we could need it. Might make a useful weapon if we have to make a quick getaway.” 

“Why?” Sunny asked. 

Nick didn’t answer. He just took his suit and stepped behind the curtain.


	14. in which the Baudelaires encounter a Great Unknown

**CHAPTER FOURTEEN**

_ in which the Baudelaires encounter a Great Unknown _

_ CRASH. _

“Well. That settles it.” Nick said, glancing up, one hand clutching his mother’s necklace. “We’re all gonna die.” 

Lilac jumped to her feet, looking up. “I think that came from above us, we should go check it out. Make sure nobody’s hurt.” 

“Make sure we’re not gonna die.” Nick said. 

Lilac sighed and picked up Sunny, as Nick grabbed the baby picture of Lilac from the table, shoving it into one of the waterproof pockets. Klaus stopped twirling the spyglass in his hands and shoved into his own pocket, while Violet and Lilac pulled out their ribbons. Nick lifted Solitude, and they ran towards the source of the sound. 

After several minutes trying to work their way through the halls, they managed to climb up into a small room, where Widdershins was pounding on a steering wheel with his fists. 

“That’s not good.” Nick said, crossing his arms. “What? VFD can’t get you a decent fucking submarine?” 

“Nick, be polite.” Lilac said, trying to hide the fact she was glad she got to say that phrase again. 

“This darned steering mechanism is a disgrace!” the captain cried. “Aye! The _ Queequeg _just bumped against a rock formation on the side of the stream!” 

“Perhaps we should examine the steering mechanism first and fix the telegram device later.” Lilac said. 

“Don’t be ridiculous!” Widdershins said. “If we can’t receive any Volunteer Factual Dispatches, we might as well be wandering around with our eyes closed! Aye! We must find the Sugar Bowl before Count Olaf! Aye! Our personal safety isn’t nearly as important! Now hurry up! Aye! Get a move on! Aye! Get cracking! Aye-” 

“Perhaps Violet could fix the wheel,” Klaus said carefully, “While Lilac looks at the telegram machine, and the rest of us look at tidal charts.” 

“Babbitt help!” Solitude added; the frog was now riding on her shoulder, and if Widdershins noticed, he didn’t seem to care. 

Widdershins shook his head. “You should both look at the telegram, aye! Two heads are better than one! Aye!” 

“If this submarine crashes and we all die,” Violet said, “It won’t matter what telegrams we get.” 

“Of course it matters! Aye! Without Volunteer Factual Dispatches, we might as well be wandering around with our eyes closed! Aye-” 

“You said that already.” Nick said tiredly. 

“Let Violet work on the wheel,” Klaus suggested, “And maybe Fiona can help Lilac with the telegraph.” 

Lilac gave Klaus a look. “I mean, Fiona was going to look over tidal charts with you. I wouldn’t want to bother her.” 

Fiona stepped into the room, pulling her hair into a hat, and she said, “Sorry, am I needed for something?” 

Lilac turned red again, but she managed to say, “We- we were just- can I borrow your wheeled platform? To look at the- the telegram.” 

To their surprise, Fiona also stopped a second, eyes widening. And she said, “Oh, um… yes. Yes, I… I like your hair.” 

“Thanks.” Lilac sputtered, pushing her braids back. “I… um, usually have it like this but-” 

The other five Baudelaires looked like their dreams had all come true. 

“We should- tidal charts.” Fiona said. 

“Aye! And Violet and Lilac will fix the telegraph! Aye!” Widdershins said. “Glad we’re all in agreement, aye!” 

“Fiona?” Violet asked, sighing and moving towards the telegraph, “Could you, um? Could you check for our friend Quigley? He was carried away by the stream’s other tributary.” 

“I can try, sure.” Fiona nodded. “Um, see you in a bit.” 

She turned to go, and Lilac somehow got redder. Klaus and Nick followed her, with Soli giggling and whispering something to Nick as Babbitt chirped from her shoulder. Sunny headed towards the kitchen, waving goodbye to her sisters and babbling something about chowder. 

For the next few hours, the siblings got to work. Lilac and Violet took turns sliding under the telegraph and fetching tools, twisting wires and tightening screws and keeping their hair pulled back. Nick, Klaus and Fiona sat at the table with tidal charts, tracing routes with pencils, as Solitude fed Babbitt and flipped through books on marine life, struggling to sound out words to herself. Sunny worked with Phil in the kitchen, standing on a large soup pot so she could reach the counter of the small, grimy kitchen. 

After quite a long time of not a lot of work, Captain Widdershins descended from a ladder, ringing a bell that _ clanged _ throughout the room. “Alright, everyone! Aye!” he called, as everyone sighed and stopped around a long table. “I want all to report on their progress! I’ll report first! Aye! Because I’m the captain! Not because I’m showing off! Aye! I try not to show off very much! Aye! Because it’s rude! Aye! I’ve managed to steer us further down the Stricken Stream without bumping into anything else! Aye! Now it should be easier not to run into anything! Aye! Alright, what about our telegraph?” 

“We thoroughly examined the telegram device.” Lilac said, tugging on her ribbon, not noticing that Fiona was staring very hard at her hair tied back in a ponytail and slightly-dirty face. “And we made a few minor repairs.” 

“But the thing is, we didn’t find anything that would interfere with receiving a telegram.” Violet said. 

“So the device isn’t broken?” Fiona asked, a little quietly. 

“Not at all.” Lilac said, biting her lip. “We think it must be a problem on the other end.” 

“Procto?” Sunny asked, which meant, _ “The other end?” _

“Well, a telegram requires two devices.” Violet said. “One to send the message and the other receive it.” 

“Whoever is on the ‘sending’ end must be having problems.” Lilac said. 

“All sorts of volunteers send us messages.” Fiona said. 

“Aye!” the captain said. “We’ve received messages from more than twenty-five agents!” 

“Then many machines must be damaged.” Klaus said. “It could be sabotage.” 

“We did never receive a reply from Mr Poe in the Last Chance General Store.” Lilac said. 

“Could’ve been because we had to flee.” Solitude said. 

“You’d think our letter would’ve made it to the papers at least.” Klaus said. “And from what we’ve seen, it hasn’t.” 

“If the telephone wires are down, that could interfere with the signal.” Fiona suggested. 

“Aye! That could be the problem!” Widdershins said. “What about the tidal charts? What have we got?” 

Klaus and Nick shared a look, and then Klaus spread out a chart onto the table; it showed the Stricken Stream winding through the mountains before reaching the sea, with tiny arrows and notations describing the way the water was moving, in different colors and ink. “It’s more complicated and dull than expected.” Klaus said. “These charts note every single detail concerning the water cycle.” 

“Dull?” the captain roared. “Aye? We’re in the middle of a desperate mission and all you can think of is your own entertainment? Aye? Do you want us to hesitate? Stop our activities and put on a puppet show so you won’t find this submarine dull?”

“Well!” Nick snapped, shooting the captain a glare. “There’s no need to be a dick about it! All Klaus meant was that it’s easier to research something that’s interesting!” 

The captain matched his glare. “You sound like Fiona. When I want her to research the life of Herman Melville, she works slow as molasses, but she’s quick as a whip when the subject is mushrooms.” 

“Mushrooms?” Lilac asked. 

“Are you a mycologist?” Klaus asked. 

Fiona smiled. “I never thought I’d meet someone who knew that word.” she said. “Yes, I’m a mycologist. I’ve been interested in fungi all my life, and when we have time, I can show you my mycological library.” 

“Time?” Captain Widdershins repeated. “We don’t have time for fungus books! Aye! We don’t have time for you two to do all that flirting, either!” 

Klaus’s eyes went wide, and Fiona sputtered, “We’re not flirting! We’re having a conversation!” 

“It looked like flirting to me, aye!” 

“But it wasn’t.” Nick said, glaring. 

Solitude, who was sitting beside Sunny on the table, said, “Why don’t you tell us about your research?” 

Klaus took a deep breath, and then he said, “If our calculations are correct, the Sugar Bowl would have been carried down the same tributary we went down in the toboggan. The prevailing currents of the stream lead all the way down here, where the sea begins.” 

“So it was carried out to sea.” Fiona said. “And the tides would move it away from the Sontag Shore in a northeasterly direction.” 

“Sink?” Sunny asked, meaning, _ “Wouldn’t the sugar bowl just drift to the ocean floor?” _

“It’s too small.” Klaus said. “Oceans are in constant motion, and an object that falls into the sea could end up miles away.” 

“The tides and currents in this part of the ocean would take the Sugar Bowl past the Gulag Archipelago here,” Nick said, gesturing to the map, “And then head down toward the Mediocre Barrier Reef before turning at this point here, mysteriously marked AA for what I’m sure are perfectly legitimate reasons.” 

Fiona flinched, and Lilac opened her mouth, as if to scold Nick for being rude, but she eventually decided against it and crossed her arms, staring down at the table. Widdershins sighed, and said, “Aye. Anwhistle Aquatics. It’s a marine research center and rhetorical advice service- or it was. It burned down.” 

“Anwhistle?” Sunny asked. 

“That was our Aunt Josephine’s surname.” Lilac said. 

“Anwhistle Aquatics was founded by Gregor Anwhistle, a famous ichnologist and Josephine’s brother-in-law.” Fiona said. “But… well, the problem is where the Sugar Bowl went after Anwhistle Aquatics.” 

Klaus nodded. “You see this oval, right next to the aquatics? It’s marked with a _ GG, _ but there’s no other explanation.” 

“There are two different arrows inside it, and each points in a different direction.” Nick said. 

“It looks like the tide is going two ways at once.” Fiona said. 

“That doesn’t make any sense.” Violet frowned. 

“According to our calculations, the Sugar Bowl was probably carried here.” Klaus said. “But I don’t know where it would have gone after.” 

“I guess we go to GG and see what we find there.” Lilac said. 

“I’m the captain!” the captain cried. “I’ll give the orders around here! Aye! And I order that we set a course for that oval and see what we find when we get there!” 

“Lilac just _ said that.” _Nick hissed. 

“But first I’m hungry!” Widdershins ignored them. “And thirsty! Aye! Cookie and Sunny, you’re responsible for food and drink! Aye!” 

“Sunny helped me make chowder that should be ready in a few minutes.” Phil said. “Her teeth were very handy in dicing the boiled potatoes.” 

“Flush.” Sunny shrugged. 

“Chowder? Aye! Chowder sounds delicious!” the captain cried. “And what about dessert? Aye? Dessert is the most important meal of the day! Aye!” 

“We have gum!” Phil said. “I have some left over from the lumbermill.” 

“I think I’ll pass on dessert.” Klaus said. 

“Yomhuledet,” Sunny said, meaning, _ “Don’t worry- Phiil and I have arranged a surprise dessert for tomorrow night.” _

Nick looked up, about to ask about that, but then he paused. “Hey, Captain Widdershit?” he said, looking both annoyed and concerned. “What’s that thing on the sonar detector? Is that from your shitshow organization?” 

Everyone followed his gaze towards a screen on the submarine wall that looked similar to a graph paper, with a glowing Q in the center, presumably representing the Queequeg. At the top of the panel was a glowing symbol heading straight for them, looking very similar to an eye. 

“Well, fuck.” Solitude said, as Fiona gasped. 

“Dear God!” Widdershins shouted, starting to run around the room. “Holy Budddha! Charles Darwin! Duke Ellington! Aye! Fiona, turn off the engines! Aye! Cookie, turn off the stove! Aye! Twins, make sure the telegram device is off! Aye! Boys, gather your materials together so nothing rolls around!” 

“How are we supposed to gather materials and turn the telegram off?” Nick asked, staring very hard at the table so nobody could see his expression. 

“I think he means us.” Lilac sighed. “We’re not the twins, Captain.” 

“Now is no time to argue, aye!” Widdershins shouted. “If we shut down, perhaps they won’t see us! Aye!” 

“I don’t think that’s how-” Klaus began. 

“Just hurry!” Fiona said, grabbing Lilac’s arm. “Help me with the engines, come on!” 

Fiona dragged Lilac up the rope ladder to shut off the engine, while Violet wheeled back into the telegram device. Phil and Sunny ran into the kitchen, while Nick picked up Solitude, holding her very tightly, and Klaus and Widdershins gathered up the materials on the table so nothing would rattle. Within moments, the submarine was silent as a grave, and everyone crept back to the table, staring at the porthole or sonar detector. After a moment, Nick crept into a corner, sliding to the ground and hugging Soli very, very close, trying to hide his trembling. 

The eye on the sonar drew closer to the Q, and they could see something out the porthole, emerging from the dark waters. It was, indeed, another submarine, _ much _ bigger than the cramped _ Queequeg, _and as soon as he saw it, Nick curled up more, struggling not to cry, as Soli hugged him and slid Babbitt onto his shoulder. Lilac grabbed onto Fiona’s arm, and Violet quickly threw her hands over Klaus and Sunny. 

The second submarine was shaped like a giant octopus, with an enormous metal dome for a head and two wide portholes for eyes. The submarine, though, had many more legs than a normal octopus; small metal tubes sprouted out from the body and circled the water, making thousands of bubbles hurtling towards the surface of the water. 

As the ship drew closer, seemingly not noticing them, the Baudelaires could see a shadowy figure in one of the portholes. While they could barely see any details, they were all certain who it was. 

Nick let out a strangled cry, muffling the noise by shoving his face into his knees. Solitude hugged him and gasped, and Lilac instantly ran to him, dragging Fiona with her. The four huddled in the corner, and Lilac threw her arms over them all, holding them close. Violet grabbed tighter onto Klaus and Sunny, as the figure turned towards them, as if he could possibly hear them. 

The octopus moved closer, and they all feared that, at any second, the legs of the octopus would scrape against the side of the submarine and give away their presence. 

And then Sunny pointed at the Sonar Detector, her face turned towards Widdershins curiously, clearly asking, _ What’s that? _Widdershins’s eyes widened, and Fiona gripped tighter onto Lilac’s arm and buried her face in her shoulder. Even Phil looked a little concerned. 

A third shape on the sonar screen had appeared, shaped like a small question mark and slithering towards the center of the screen. 

“Oh my…” Klaus began, and Violet shoved a hand over his mouth. 

Outside the porthole, the octopus stopped, as if it, too, detected the new shape. Then the legs whirred even faster, and the strange submarine vanished from view, disappearing into the sea. The question mark flickered across the screen for a bit, and then vanished. 

“What was-” Violet began. 

The question mark suddenly appeared again, and they felt something hit the side of the _ Queequeg, _ while a deafening and reckless roar sounded from outside. Lilac immediately held out her arms as everyone toppled, managing to catch Klaus and Violet, while Klaus caught a flying Sunny. Lilac and Fiona quickly hugged all of the children in a huddle, while Phil and Widdershins clung to the table, trying not to fall. 

There was another rumble, and then a dark buzzing sound, as they all felt _ something _ near them from outside. 

And then, just as quickly as it had appeared, it was gone. 

They waited several minutes, staring at the sonar screen, until they were certain the question mark wouldn’t show up again. 

“What _ was _ that?” Lilac asked, Violet and Klaus to their feet before grabbing Fiona’s hands to lift her up. 

“What was that third shape?” Klaus asked, hugging Sunny very close. 

The captain shook his head. “Something very bad.” he said. “Even worse than Olaf, probably. I told you Baudelaires there is evil you cannot imagine.” 

“We don’t have to _ imagine _ it.” Violet said, her voice breaking. “We saw it right there on the screen.” 

“That screen is nothing.” the captain said. “It’s just a piece of equipment, aye? There was a philosopher who said that all of life is just shadows. He said people were just sitting in a cave, watching shadows on the cave wall, shadows of something much bigger and grander than themselves. That sonar detector is like our cave wall, showing us the shape of things much more powerful and terrifying.” 

“I don’t understand.” Lilac said. 

“You shouldn’t.” the captain shook his head. “There are secrets in the world too terrible for young people to know. That’s why I don’t tell you about the Sugar Bowl. Aye! Now, I’m hungry! Aye! Shall we eat?” 

“I’ll get the chowder!” Phil said, running out. 

The captain reached for his bell, and then Nick, still in the corner, called, _ “No! No, _ we’re not hungry, we want _ goddamn answers!” _

“Nick-” Lilac began, as Fiona stiffened and Widdershins whipped around to face him. 

Nick shot to his feet, clinging onto Solitude, and they realized that his face was red and tear-streaked. “We’re going to be in the ocean with that _ thing, _ we should damn well know what it is! And if we’re going to search for the Sugar Bowl, we should _ fucking know what it is!” _

“Watch your language! Aye!” 

_“Nobody_ gets to tell me to shut up!” Nick hissed. “Nobody gets to tell us to do _shit! _Was that- was that some kind of monster? Or a submarine?” 

“It’s the… the Great Unknown.” Fiona said, glancing down at her feet. 

“Aye, and you need to avoid it! That’s all you need to know!” Widdershins said. “That’s all Fiona knows, and-” 

“And maybe you should tell _ her _ shit!” Nick shouted. “Maybe you should tell her what’s in the Sugar Bowl, or why it was stolen from Esme Squalor, or why Count Olaf decided to go on a murder rampage, huh?” 

“Nick, listen-” Violet began. 

“Maybe you should tell her _ how your cult gets its goddamn recruits, huh?” _

Fiona gasped, and Widdershins gave him a confused yet infuriated look. “How recruitment happens isn’t our business at the time! Aye! And I don’t know what a cult is, aye, but it sounds like a weird way to refer to our organization!” 

“I think- um-” Fiona interrupted, sputtering and staring at the ground. 

Phil returned, carrying a huge pot. “Chowder!” 

Everyone turned towards him, and then Fiona sighed, “Good timing, Phil.” 

“Thank you!” Phil said. “I’ve got bowls- who wants to help me serve?” 

“I can help.” Lilac said, nervously glancing at Nick, who wasn’t looking at anyone. 

But before she started to move, Klaus suddenly started. “Oh!” he said. _ “Oh!” _

“What?” Violet asked. 

Klaus ran back over to the tidal charts. “I’ve got it!” he said. “I know where the Sugar Bowl is!” 

Nick bit his lip and groaned, shouldering Solitude and wandering over to another corner, while everyone else awkwardly made their way back to the table. 

“You’ve found it?” Widdershins said, looking like he’d already completely forgotten Nick’s outburst. “Aye! You figured out where the tide took it? Aye! But you just said you didn’t know! Aye! You said you were confused by the tidal charts, and that oval marked GG! Aye! And yet you’ve figured it out! Aye! You’re a genius! Aye! You’re a smarty-pants! Aye! You’re a bookworm! Aye! You’re brilliant! Aye! You’re sensational! Aye! If you find me the Sugar Bowl, I’ll allow you to marry Fiona!” 

“Stepfather!” Fiona cried. 

“Don’t worry,” the captain replied, “We’ll find a spouse for the others, too! Aye! Perhaps we’ll find your long-lost brother, Fiona! He’s much older, of course, and he’s been missing for years, but if Klaus can locate the Sugar Bowl he can probably find him! Aye! He’s a charming man, so one of the girls would probably fall in love with him, and then we could have a double wedding! Aye! Right here in the main hall of the _ Queequeg! _Aye! I would be happy to officiate! Aye!” 

“Okay, well,” Nick said, as everyone stared at each other incredibly uncomfortably and he finally made his way to stand beside Klaus, “That’s not going to happen, for a number of reasons. First of all-” 

“First of all,” Violet said, “I think Klaus should tell us about the Sugar Bowl.” 

Klaus, who was feeling incredibly awkward at the moment, said, “Yes. Well, when Captain Widdershins was talking about the philosopher who said that all of life is just shadows in a cave, I realized at once what that oval must be.” 

“A philosopher?” the captain asked. 

“Absurdio.” Sunny sighed, which meant, _ “Philosophers live at the tops of mountains or in ivory towers, not underneath the sea.” _

“He means a cave.” Nick groaned, setting Solitude on the table as Phil started to pass out bowls of chowder. 

“The currents of the ocean would have brought the bowl right to the entrance of a cave.” Klaus said. “We won’t know what it’s like inside, though.” 

“I wish Quigley was here.” Violet sighed. “We could use a cartographer.” 

“But Quigley isn’t here.” Lilac said. 

“I guess we’ll be traveling in uncharted waters.” Klaus said. 

“That’ll be fun!” Phil said. 

They glanced at each other, and then Nick said, “Well. It won’t be the first time we’ve been in uncharted waters, will it?” 


	15. in which Lilac and Fiona are Gay as Hell

**CHAPTER FIFTEEN**

_ in which Lilac and Fiona are Gay as Hell _

It wasn’t until after they finished their chowder, and Phil left to clean the dishes, that Klaus asked, “Captain Widdershins? VFD stands for Volunteer Fire Department, right?” 

“Aye!” 

“Then why are you underwater?” 

Nick, who was helping Fiona and Solitude clean up the tidal charts, said, “Because they’re not a literal fire department, more of a figurative one.” 

“Aye!” Widdershins nodded, not noticing Nick’s disdainful tone. “I’m told it started that way, but the volunteers were interested in every such thing! I was one of the first to sign up for Voluntary Fish Domestication. That was one of the missions of Anwhistle Aquatics. Aye! I spent four long years training salmon to swim upstream and search for forest fires. That was when you were very young, Fiona, but your brother worked right alongside me. You should have seen him sneaking extra worms to his favorites! Aye! The program was a modest success! Aye! But then Cafe Salmonella came along, and took our entire fleet away. The Snicket siblings fought as best they could! But as the poet wrote, ‘too many waiters turn out to be traitors.’” 

“I am so lost.” Violet admitted. 

“The Snicket siblings?” Klaus asked. “Like Jacques?” 

“Aye! Jacques was once a member of our crew! He-” 

“We think we found a message directed to him.” Lilac said. “That’s how we found out there was a gathering, it was Verbal Fridge Dialogue, addressed to JS.” 

“That’s impossible! Aye!” Widdershins waved his hand. “Jacques Snicket is dead! Aye! Nobody would address a message to a dead person!” 

“Perhaps the sender didn’t know.” Violet said. 

“Or perhaps it was some other JS.” Solitude said. 

“Speaking of mysterious initials,” Klaus said, “I wonder what GG stands for. If we knew what the cave was called, we might have a better idea of our journey.” 

“Aye!” Captain Widdershins said. “Let’s guess!” 

“Aye, let’s not.” Nick said. 

Fiona frowned as she pushed the tidal charts into a drawer. “Wait a minute.” she said. “I may have an idea.” 

“Really?” Lilac asked, watching her as she ran to a cabinet. 

“I just remembered a recent addition to my mycological library.” Fiona said, opening a door and pulling out a book. “This might be useful.” 

The captain sighed. “You and your mushrooms and molds!” 

“Let her speak.” Lilac snapped, shooting him a glare. “She has an idea.” 

“It was in the table of contents.” Fiona said, bringing the book back over to the table, as the Baudelaires peered over her shoulder. “Chapter Thirty-Six, The Yeast of Beasts. Chapter Thirty-Seven, Morel Behavior in a Free Society. Chapter Thirty-Eight, Fungible Mold, Moldable Fungi. Chapter Thirty-Nine, Visitable Fungal Ditches. Chapter Forty, The Gorgonian Grotto- there!” 

“Grotto?” Sunny asked. 

“Another word for cave.” Violet said. 

Fiona flipped to Chapter Forty, and then read aloud, “The Gorgonian Grotto, located in propinquity to Anwhistle Aquatics, has appropriately wraithlike nomenclature, with roots in Grecian mythology, as this conical cavern is fecund with what if perhaps the bugaboo of the entire mycological pantheon.” 

“Aye! I told you that book was too difficult!” Captain Widdershins said. “A young child can’t unlock that sort of vocabulary!” 

“Piss off, we can get it.” Nick hissed. 

“Aye! Watch your language!” 

“Aye! I don’t give a fuck!” 

Klaus sighed and pushed Nick back so he could get a better look at the book. “It says the Gorgonian Grotto is named after something in Greek mythology.” 

“Gorgon!” Solitude said excitedly, shaking her head as if she still had snakes woven into it. “It’s named after Medusa!” 

“That sounds right.” Nick said. 

“She was a legendary monster who could turn people into stone.” Fiona mentioned. 

“Aye! I think I went to school with such a woman!” the captain said. 

“Snakes!” Solitude said excitedly. 

“The book is saying,” Lilac said, “That it’s appropriate that the grotto is named after a legendary monster, becauses there’s a sort of monster living in a cave- a bugaboo.” 

“Bugaboo?” Sunny asked. 

“A bugaboo can be any kind of monster.” Klaus said. “We could call Count Olaf a bugaboo, if we felt so inclined.” 

Nick stared very hard at the floor. “I’d rather not speak of him at all.” 

“This bugaboo is a fungus of some sort.” Fiona said, and she continued reading. “The _ Medusoid Mycelium _has a unique conducive strategy of waxing and waning: first a brief dormant cycle, in which the mycelium is nearly invisible, and then a precipitated flowering into speckled stalks and caps of such intense venom that it is fortunate the grotto serves as a quarantine.” 

“Translation, please.” Solitude said, turning to Klaus. 

Before Klaus could say anything, though, Fiona spoke up. “It’s rather simple, really. There are three main parts to a mushroom. You can see the cap and the stalk, but the part you can’t see is the mycelium. It’s like a bunch of thread, branching out underneath the ground. Some mushrooms have mycelia that go on for miles.” 

Lilac sat on the table, eyes wide. “I remember reading a little about that at Prufrock, when we were studying the fungus in our shack.” 

“I’d love to hear about that, when we have time.” Fiona smiled. “But it says here that the Medusoid Mycelium waxes and wanes, which means the caps and stalks spring up from the mycelium, and then wither away, and then spring up again. So you don’t know the mushrooms are there until they poke up from the ground.” 

“That sounds unnerving.” Violet said, as Klaus pulled out his commonplace book to write this down. 

“Oh, it gets worse.” Fiona said, not sounding very bothered at all; she was too excited about her fungus. “The mushrooms are exceedingly poisonous. Listen to this: ‘As the poet says, “A single spore has such grim power / That you may die within the hour.”’ A spore is like a seed- if it has a place to grow, it will become another mycelium. But if someone eats it or breaths it in, it could cause death.” 

“Within the hour.” Lilac repeated. 

“Monev,” Sunny said, which meant, _ “That’s a fast-acting poison.” _

“Must fungal poisons have cures,” Fiona said, “And the poison of a deadly fungus can be the source of some wonderful medicines. I’ve been working on a few myself, actually. But this book says it’s lucky the grotto acts as a quarantine.” 

“Quarwa?” Sunny asked. 

“Quarantine is when something dangerous is isolated, so the danger cannot spread.” Nick explained to her, also sitting on the table. 

“Because the Medusoid Mycelium is in uncharted waters, very few people have been poisoned.” Violet said. 

“If someone brought even one spore to dry land,” Lilac shivered, “Who knows what would happen?” 

“We won’t find out!” Widdershins said. “We’re not going to take any spores! Aye! We’re just going to grab the Sugar Bowl and be on our way! Aye! I’ll set a course right now!” 

“Are you sure?” Fiona asked, shutting the book. “It sounds very dangerous.” 

“Dangerous? Aye! Dangerous and scary!” the captain said, already climbing the rope ladder to the controls of the submarine. “Scary and Difficult! Aye! Difficult and mysterious! Aye! Mysterious and uncomfortable! Aye! Uncomfortable and risky! Aye! Risky and noble! Aye!” 

“I’m going to take Solitude back to our room,” Nick muttered, picking up the toddler, “Where we don’t have to listen to him. Anyone else wanna go?” 

“Even if it could hurt us, aye! The amount of treachery in this world is enormous! Aye! Think of the crafts we saw on the sonar screen! There’s always something more enormous and terrifying on our tails!” 

“I’ll take Sunny.” Violet said. 

“And so many of the noble submarines are gone! Aye! You think the Herman Melville suits were the only noble uniforms in the world? There used to be volunteers with PG Wodehouse and Carl Van Vechten! There were Comyns and Cleary and Archy and Mehitabel! But now volunteers are scarce! So the best we can do is one small noble thing!” 

“We should really get some sleep.” Klaus agreed, shutting his commonplace book. “Before the grotto.” 

“Like retrieving the Sugar Bowl! Aye! Remember my personal philosophy! He who hesitates is lost!” 

“Or she!” Fiona said. 

“Or they!” Solitude added. 

“Lilac, you coming?” Violet asked, as she lifted up Sunny from the table. 

Lilac hesitated. “Um, Fiona, I’d… like to see your fungal experiments. If that’s alright. Maybe I can help.” 

Fiona smiled. “Maybe. I could use a mechanic.” 

The Baudelaires all shared a very excited look, and when Fiona turned her back, Lilac gave them a glare and a middle finger. 

“You all get some sleep. I’ll meet you in the dorms.” she said. 

“You have all this in your room?” Lilac asked, spinning around the room to take it all in. 

“Well, technically I sleep in the dorms, because I converted that bed into a table, and used the strips of the mattress to make some wall art.” Fiona said nervously. 

Inside the small room- barely larger than the closet, Lilac noted- several tanks had been set up, as well as multiple other containment boxes. A large table, that had been crudely fashioned from the bed, sat in the middle, holding some of the tanks, as well as a flow hood, several tools, blocks and jars, and scattered mycological books. 

“I know I should have a better table, but it’s the best I can get.” Fiona said. “Stepfather won’t buy me mycological equipment, so I have to get it all myself. My mother told me to just throw bricks through shop windows and steal what I need, but I’m not near those a lot, so improv it is.” 

“It’s very impressive.” Lilac whispered, kneeling down to look over several petri dishes. “Are you growing some in here?” 

“Yes. But I’ve got some in the plant terrariums, too.” Fiona said, gesturing to the tanks that she’d managed to attach to the walls. “A bit difficult to make sure they stay upright in such an old submarine, but that just makes it a challenge, and challenges are fun.” 

“Which one’s this?” Lilac asked, moving to a tank. “Are those wood chips?” 

“Yes. Those are my Stropharia Rugosoannulata mushrooms.” Fiona walked over, gesturing proudly. “They’re good at bioremediation, I hope to start setting them out in polluted waterways after the meeting on Thursday, once I get the okay from some other volunteers.” 

“Stropharia Rugosoannulata.” Lilac repeated slowly. 

“I mean, you could call them King stropharia. I just like the scientific names. They’re fun to say.” 

“Oh, that’s completely valid.” Lilac smiled. “I learned Russian when I was younger just because the boys read _ Anna Karenina _and all the names were fun to say.” 

“You speak Russian?” 

“I mean, I’m not _ fluent-” _

“That’s still impressive. All I’ve got is Latin, Māori and Urdu.” 

“I know more Italian. Mom taught me a lot, because operas are usually Italian.” 

“Your Mother was an Opera singer?” 

“An actress.” Lilac paused. “What about your Mom? What did she do?” 

“She helped on the submarine.” Fiona’s face fell slightly, and she moved over to a group of mushroom grow bags. “Um, I don’t remember much about her. She died when I was five or six, and Stepfather doesn’t tell me much about her.” 

Lilac flinched. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t-” 

“It’s alright. My brother was a poet.” Fiona smiled. “At least, that’s what I remember from him. He disappeared around the same time as my Mother… but he was around much more, because he didn’t have to do as much Volunteer work. His job was watching me. He taught me how to play cards.” 

“Our parents were Volunteers, too.” Lilac muttered. 

“I know.” 

“But we didn’t.” Lilac sighed. “We didn’t know anything about VFD.” 

Fiona blinked. “Really? I’ve been raised completely in VFD, I just assumed that’s how all Volunteers recruited their kids.” Lilac shook her head, and then Fiona carefully asked, “What did your brother mean? About… recruitment?” 

“I don’t… know. Nick learned a lot of things while he was captured, but when he tries to say them… it doesn’t always work out.” Lilac glanced at her. “But he, um, doesn’t have a great opinion of VFD.” 

Fiona bit her lip. “Well. Maybe we can discuss that when we get the Sugar Bowl. I’m not sure we have enough diving suits, but maybe he’ll want to go.” 

“Do you know how small the cave is?” 

“Afraid not.” 

“He’s not too good with small spaces.” 

“Then hopefully we get to the last safe place fast.” Fiona said. “This submarine seems smaller the longer you’re here. And I hope the last safe place is big.” 

“Well, it’s a hotel.” Lilac said. “That’s gotta be big.” 

Fiona stared at her. 

“Oh. You didn’t know that.” 

“My… Stepfather said that I didn’t need to know. That all I needed to know was what VFD needed from me.” 

“That’s a horrible way to live.” Lilac said. “If all we knew was what we were told, we’d never know what was right or wrong for ourselves.” 

“I don’t really have a choice. He’s my guardian, and VFD left him in charge of me.” 

“Count Olaf was our guardian.” Lilac glared down at a tank of wood logs and Hericium Erinaceus. “And we fought back. We’re still fighting, and we’ll never stop until he’s…” she took a deep breath. “Until he can’t hurt us anymore.” 

“I wish I was as brave as you. You must be fearless to go through all of what you have and still be sane.” 

“We’re not fearless. I’m _ definitely _not. But I’m…” Lilac struggled to find the words. “Hopeful. That one day everything will set itself right, or at least right enough we can find a place for ourselves.” She smiled. “No matter what… there’s always something.” 

Fiona beamed at her, and then she said, “Listen, if you… if you don’t want to listen to me blabber on about fungi, I think we have some stuff that you could repair if you-” 

“No! No, I want to hear it. I like…” Lilac paused. “I like hearing you talk about mushrooms. You get really passionate about it.” 

“Passionate.” Fiona repeated. “Well, maybe you can tell me about your inventions or repairs afterwards.” 

“Maybe I can fix that table up.” Lilac said, pulling her ribbon from her pocket and starting to tie back her hair. “What’s that over there?” 

“Lentinula Edodes.” Fiona said, smiling at some fungus growing on a hardwood log. “Also known as Shiitake Mushrooms.” 

“Shiitake?” 

“Don’t start.” Fiona giggled. 

“Don’t tell Violet and Nick what they’re called, or you’ll never hear the end of it.” 

“Noted.” 

They gave each other a look, and then burst out laughing. 

Lilac and Fiona returned to the dorms very late, arms linked together as they chatted about a book they’d both enjoyed, about another sugar bowl whose contents were actually very well known. When they swung open the door, though, they quieted, and Lilac let out a soft gasp as she saw her siblings. 

Violet and Klaus were sleeping on individual bunks, and Klaus had a book about different currents open on the pillow beside him. Solitude and Sunny had fallen asleep beside each other, curled under a single blanket, while Babbitt slept on a pillow, kicking their legs in their sleep. Nick, meanwhile, was passed out on a chair near the door, almost having fallen over; Lilac recognized this position quickly, from the many times he and Klaus or Violet would sit at the bottom of the stairs waiting for their parents to come home late at night. 

“He was waiting for us.” Lilac whispered to Fiona, who smiled. Lilac slowly let go of Fiona’s arm and walked over, carefully lifting up her brother. She was having a bit of difficulty; shit, he was taller than her now. When did he and Klaus get so big? 

She carried him to a bunk, lowering him onto it. “Go back to being five years old, okay?” Lilac whispered, reaching over to grab a blanket. “We’ll lock you in the closet again and then make ice cream towers.” 

Fiona giggled a little, as she climbed up to her top bunk, watching with a very soft gaze. Lilac turned around, and flinched as she saw Nick starting to move. 

“No, no,” she moved back to him, running a hand over his hair. “Go back to sleep. You need it.” 

“Nu-uh.” he muttered, but Lilac could tell that in his few seconds of conscious, he’d already started to fall asleep again. 

Lilac sighed and pulled the blanket over him. “You’ll be okay. You want me to sing?” 

“Mm.” 

“I’m not sure if that was a yes or a no.” Lilac laughed. “Just… go back to bed.” 

Nick mumbled again. “Thanks, Mom.” 

He was passed out again before Lilac could process what he’d said. She stared at him, her face paling. Fiona peered over the bunk, astonished to see tears start to form in her eyes. “Lilac?” 

She stepped back, putting a hand over her face. Fiona leaned over the bunk until the eldest Baudelaire looked up at her, and then she said, “Are… I’m sorry, is this a happy or sad cry?” 

Lilac opened her mouth to answer, but stopped. Like she herself wasn’t sure. 

“Good or bad cry?” 

Lilac shut her eyes. “Both.” she admitted. 

“Both.” Fiona repeated, and then she reached out her hand to wipe Lilac’s tears away. “Aye.” 


	16. in which the Crew goes swimming

**CHAPTER SIXTEEN**

_ in which the Crew goes swimming _

They were awoken by another crash.  _ “God.”  _ Nick threw a pillow over his head. “Fiona, I  _ hate _ your stepdad.” 

Fiona groaned and sat up, rubbing her eyes. “We must’ve hit something. We better go see what the situation is.” 

“Or,” Violet suggested, staring at the top of her bunk, “We could stay here and wait for death to come for us.” 

They groaned, but eventually got up and moved through the submarine halls. Nick picked up Solitude and held her close as she tried to fall asleep against his shoulder, Babbitt hopping onto his other shoulder and letting out a small yawn, while Violet held a bleary Sunny. 

They heard what sounded like a very suspicious watery noise, and Nick said, “If this submarine is flooding, I’ll take one for the team and die first.” 

“Nobody’s dying.” Lilac sighed, not looking him in the eye. 

They walked into the main hall, where Widdershins and Phil were looking out the porthole at an inky blackness. 

“Are we in hell yet?” Nick asked. 

“Aye! No! We’re in the Gorgonian Grotto!” Widdershins announced. 

“What was that crash?” Solitude asked, rubbing her eyes. 

“The submarine is damaged! Isn’t that exciting?” Phil said. 

“Wonderful.” Violet sighed. 

“Well, it’s not damaged that badly!” Widdershins said. “She’ll hold for now! We reached the Gorgonian Grotto an hour ago, and I was able to steer us inside with no problem! But the cave got narrower and narrower as we maneuvered further and further inside.” 

Nick slowly reached out to grab Violet’s arm. “So we’re stuck?” 

“No, no.” Klaus reassured him. “The book said that the Grotto was conical, which means it’s shaped like a cone; we’ll be able to back out with no problem.” 

“Aye!” Widdershins said. “But that means it’s too narrow for the submarine to travel further! If we want to retrieve the Sugar Bowl, we’ll have to use something smaller!” 

“Periscope?” Sunny asked. 

“No!” Widdershins replied. “Children! Aye!” 

“What?” Nick flinched back, horrified. 

“Aye! We have diving suits! We may just have enough for all of you! That way you have a better chance of finding the bowl! Aye!” 

“No.” Nick shook his head, gripping Violet’s arm harder, and Solitude hugged him. “No, I can’t go in there.” 

“Of course you can! Aye! It’s for the Sugar Bowl!” 

“If Nick doesn’t think he can go in there, he doesn’t have to.” Lilac said. 

“This is for the Sugar Bowl! Aye! It’s for VFD! Aye! It’s-” 

“I am  _ not,”  _ Nick spat, “Throwing myself into a narrow cavern I could get trapped in just for your stupid fucking cult.” 

Widdershins narrowed his eyes. “You don’t sound like a very good Volunteer!” 

“Good.” 

“How about some of us stay here and do more research,” Violet suggested, squeezing Nick’s hand, “And the rest of us look for the Sugar Bowl? I can stay with Nick and try to work with the submarine. Nick, maybe you can dig through books and see if you can find anything on the Gorgonian Grotto, or the Great Unknown, and read it to me while I work.” 

“Sure. Maybe.” Nick shrugged. 

“Ekab!” Sunny said, which meant,  _ “I can stay here and cook!”  _

“I’ll go, then.” Solitude said. 

“No!” Nick said. 

“They may need someone really small.” Solitude shrugged, reaching over to pet Babbitt. “And if Sunny stays here, I’ll go. Can you watch Babbitt for me?” 

“I…” Nick hesitated. “I don’t want you to go.” 

“The rest of us will go with her.” Klaus said, watching as Soli slid to the ground, giving her frog a wave. “They might need an expert in tidal charts down there.” 

“And,” Lilac said, “I’ll be there. To make sure nothing happens to anyone.” She glanced at Fiona. “Are you going?” 

“Of course.” she nodded. “You could need a mycologist. I’ll show you where the diving suits are. Don’t worry, stepfather, we won’t be long.” 

“You better not! Aye! We need to get to the Sugar Bowl before Count Olaf does! Aye! Hurry up! Aye! Don’t hesitate! Aye! He who hesitates is lost!” 

“Or she.” Fiona sighed. 

“Or they.” Klaus said. 

“The point is, hurry up! Aye! We don’t have much time!” 

“I’m going to find some books.” Nick sighed. He moved over to his siblings, giving them tight hugs. “Don’t die.” 

“We’ll be fine.” Solitude promised. “And we’ll be back soon.” 

The waterproof uniforms were heavy and only barely fit- Solitude’s was only movable because it had also been shrunk in the wash. As they trudged along, Fiona said, “Don’t worry, these suits are completely safe. Uncomfortable, yes, but safe.” 

“As long as we can breathe,” Lilac said, holding Soli’s hand as they walked down the hall, “I don’t care how uncomfortable they are.” 

“Of course you’ll be able to breathe!” the captain said. “Aye! The oxygen systems in your helmets provide plenty of air for a short journey! Of course, if there’s an opportunity to remove your helmets, you should do so! Aye! That way the system can recharge itself, and you’ll have more air!” 

“Where would we find an opportunity to remove our helmets in an underwater cave?” Klaus asked. 

“Who knows! But I do have good news! You won’t have to carry flashlights! The tides should push you right along!” 

“That seems like an awfully passive way to travel.” Fiona noted. 

“Aye! It does! But there’s no other solution! And we should not hesitate! He who hesitates is lost! I’m going to tell VFD all about this! Aye! All four of you volunteers will receive citations for bravery!” 

“Perhaps you should wait on contacting VFD.” Lilac said, her thoughts drifting towards Nick’s hatred for the organization. 

“I won’t hesitate! Aye!” Widdershins said. “Now, climb this ladder and give a holler when you’re at the hatch! Then I’ll activate a valve own here, so the submarine won’t flood with water when you open it! Then just let the current carry you all the way to the Sugar Bowl!” 

“And you still won’t tell us why the Sugar Bowl is important?” Lilac asked. 

“It’s not the Sugar Bowl,” the captain said, “It’s what’s inside it. Aye! I’ve already said too much! Aye! There are secrets in this world too terrible for young people to know!” 

The Baudelaires sighed, but nodded. Fiona went up the ladder first, followed by Solitude, Klaus and Lilac. 

Once they reached the hatch, Fiona called down, and Widdershins shouted differing instructions for several seconds, before they heard a loud clanging, and then Fiona opened the hatch. Lilac instantly grabbed onto Solitude, as water flooded the passageway, and the children drifted out of the submarine and into the blackness of the Gorgonian Grotto. 

Traveling by the tide was certainly a terrifying experience. 

Lilac held tight to Soli as the currents carried then far away from the submarine, but it was almost impossible to tell how fast they were going, or what was around them, or if they were upside-down or not. They didn’t dare try to scream for each other and waste oxygen, so they just floated along and tried not to be too scared. It took a long, long time before the journey abruptly stopped. 

In one curling, fluid motion, the tide pushed the children onto something that felt like a beach, and they crawled forwards, stumbling onto the wet sand, with Lilac pushing Solitude in front of her. 

“Klaus?” Lilac called, sitting up. “Klaus? Fiona? Are you there? What happened?” 

“I don’t know…” Klaus responded. “We couldn’t have reached an actual beach. Where’s Solitude?” 

“Here!” Solitude called. “Fiona?” 

“Here.” Fiona said. “But where are we? There’s water still around us?” 

“Are we on another submarine?” Lilac asked. 

“Light!” Solitude called. 

The travelers looked up, and saw several lights up ahead, which took a moment to realize were lamps. Against the wall were three floorlamps, each with a letter on its shade. 

_ V, F, D.  _

“What is this place?” Fiona asked. 

The youngsters managed to step forwards, finding that they were in a narrow room. There were an assortment of objects in the sand, some half-buried, some bobbing in the water, and some almost completely destroyed. There were some bottles and cans, and soaked books, and a few small cases that looked locked. A roller skate bobbed towards Solitude, and a deck of cards was against the wall. 

“This must be a passage of some sort.” Klaus said. “Straight up to dry land- an island, maybe, or maybe it curves to the shore.” 

“We must be underneath the ruins of Anwhistle Aquatics.” Lilac said. 

“Does that mean we can take these helmets off?” Solitude asked. 

“Yes.” Klaus said, removing his helmet. He paused a moment, and then said, “Yes, we can breathe.” 

“This place looks abandoned.” Fiona said, as she removed her helmet and helped Solitude with hers. 

“It can’t be.” Lilac moved towards the lamps, her eyes narrowing. “These lamps have bulbs, those would have to be changed. All this junk must have been washed up by the tide.” 

“Like the Sugar Bowl.” Klaus nodded. 

“We have to find it and get out of here.” Fiona shuddered. 

“We’ll have to fight the current to get to the  _ Queequeg.”  _ Klaus said dimly. “That won’t be fun.” 

They all awkwardly shrugged and got to searching. 

“We should’ve gone with them.” Nick muttered. “We should’ve gone, we should’ve gone, we-” 

“Shut up.” Violet said, sliding out from under an air conditioning unit and sitting up, pulling her ribbon out. “They’ll be fine. Lilac won’t let anything happen.” 

“But what if something  _ does?”  _

Nick was sitting on the table, several books spread around him, but he was having trouble paying attention enough to read aloud to Violet, like they’d thought they could do. He’d found  _ something  _ that seemed to be filed under the Great Unknown, but it was probably misfiled as it just talked about a tearoom and a roadster. Violet had decided to check and see if the air conditioner was dead or if it just wasn’t working well, but even she was distracted. 

“We should’ve gone with them.” Nick repeated, curling up. 

“Stop repeating yourself. Babbitt already got sick of your shit and ran off to- where did they go, anyway?” 

“I want to go get Sunny.” 

“She’s in the kitchen with Phil, she’s fine.” 

“Do you  _ know _ how many things can kill you in the kitchen?” 

“Yes, Father informed me and you multiple times.” she sighed. “Just trust them, okay?” 

“Oh, I trust  _ them.”  _ Nick said. “I  _ don’t  _ trust- oh, speak of the devil.” 

Widdershins entered. “Good news, aye! The group of volunteers is out for the Sugar Bowl! Aye! We’ll have it before lunch!” 

“They’re not volunteers.” Nick hissed. “And they’re going into a grotto filled with deadly mushrooms. They could  _ die.”  _

“Aye! No time to think about that! No time to hesitate! He who hesitates-” 

“Those who hesitate  _ fucking survive.”  _

“Nick’s just concerned.” Violet said quickly, moving to stand beside the table, putting a hand over her brother’s. “I’m sure you know he was recently abducted, so-” 

“Aye! I do! We received the newspaper report  _ and _ a Volunteer Factual Dispatch!” Widdershins waved his hand. “That was a messy business, aye! We thought we’d lost you!” 

“You might’ve if my siblings didn’t find me.” Nick curled up a little. 

“No, no, I don’t mean we thought you were dead!” Widdershins sighed, as if Nick was an idiot for not understanding. “Aye! Olaf wouldn’t have killed you! He needs your fortune! No, we were concerned that you’d joined the arsonists! Aye!” 

Nick and Violet both gave him horrified looks. “You weren’t  _ concerned _ about him?” Violet asked. 

“Well of course! Aye! We know the arsonists are evil! Aye!” 

“You knew they had me.” Nick said blankly. “And you did nothing.” 

“Well, we didn’t know if you were a recruit or a captive! Aye! And we’d have to find you, too, which was difficult-” 

“You  _ knew _ they had me.” Nick repeated, and Violet shuddered as his voice grew as dark as it had when he had abducted Esme. “And you… did…  _ nothing.”  _

“Don’t look so glum, aye! It wasn’t our mission!” 

“You  _ knew they had me!”  _

“I mean, we’re not entirely sure how they got you.” Widdershins said, not even paying attention to the cold glares from the Baudelaires. “We were surprised, aye, that he only managed to capture one! Especially since reports said you rarely separate!” 

“How… how long have you been  _ watching _ us?” Violet asked, terror gripping her. 

“Very long! Aye! But it’s not as if volunteers could get into Dark Avenue-” 

“How long could you have been  _ helping us?”  _ Violet gasped. 

“Never! Aye! I just told you, that wasn’t our mission!” 

“But you  _ knew _ we were in danger!” 

“There were volunteers at the carnival.” Nick gripped the edge of his shirt. “Weren’t there? Other than Olivia. And the docks.” 

“What docks?” Violet asked. 

“And the forest. And…” Nick shut his eyes tight. “I bet there were your fucking cultists everywhere, and they didn’t do a single thing.” 

“Well, we’re not everywhere! Aye! The organization has fallen into hard times! Aye!” Widdershins said. “But we’re still gathering knowledge, aye!” 

“Sure you are.” Nick huffed. “You wanna know how I got captured? Esme said the telephone was broken, and I stopped to check on our way out, and one of  _ his _ fucking henchpeople grabbed me. I bet one of your lot could’ve broken me and the Quagmires-” 

“Ah, see! That’s where your problem was!” Widdershins somehow had the audacity to look smug. “You hesitated! Aye! And then you were lost! He who hesitates is lost!” 

Nick gaped, and his voice grew very quiet. “Are… are you saying this is my fault?” 

“No! No, it’s not your fault!” Violet said. “Captain Widdershins, why didn’t a single volunteer try to help us?” 

“I’m sure someone did, aye.” Widdershins waved his hand. “Whoever got assigned the job. Perhaps R, or her daughter, they may have been nearby at the time. Or Larry, aye! We weren’t told about who was in charge of you, just that we needed to document information and track the Sugar Bowl!” 

“Or if there was  _ anyone _ in charge of us?” Nick snapped. “What if  _ no one  _ was in charge of us?” 

“Why, that’s VFD’s decision.” 

Nick started to shake. “Even if you  _ knew _ what was happening to me?” 

“Don’t you worry, Nicholas! Everything’s for the Greater Good! Besides, VFD wouldn’t abandon you! Aye! You’d be a great volunteer! You’re a dedicated researcher! Aye! You’re a saint! Aye! You’re an angel! Aye! You’re a-” 

Nick stared at him in horror, and then said, “I have to go!” and took off running. 

“Nick!” Violet shouted after him. 

“Aye! Get back here!” Widdershins said. “We need-” 

“You  _ know what?”  _ Violet spun on her heel, giving the captain a dark look.  _ “Fuck  _ you!” 

She flipped off the astonished captain, and then ran off after her brother. 

“Okay, so, I found a box of rubber bands.” Lilac sighed, sitting atop a chest. “And half a gun, a broken mirror, what might be a microphone, and a scattered notebook with sketches of some kind of snake.” 

Solitude peered over her shoulder, her arms full of bottles. “I don’t recognize it.” she said sadly. “Also, it’s not a snake. It’s got legs, see there?” 

“I found an earring, a broken clipboard, a book of poetry, half a stapler, and three swizzle sticks.” Klaus said. 

“And I found bottles with messages.” Solitude said. “And also some food cans for Sunny to use! She’ll love these!” 

“I’m sure she will,” Lilac sighed, “But we need the Sugar Bowl. Fiona, have you found anything?” Fiona didn’t answer. “Fiona?” 

They turned, and saw the mycologist staring past them, her eyes wide with fear. 

“Fiona? What did you find?” Lilac asked. 

Fiona slowly pointed down towards the sand. Sprouting out of it, quickly and silently, were the stalks and caps of a dark gray fungus, splotched with black and drifting ever closer. 

“Mycelium.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caution: I won't be able to update on Sunday, as I'll be driving to college. Thanks! :D


	17. in which Violet doodles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING
> 
> Another implied panic attack happens in this chapter, and while self-harming behavior is not shown onscreen, it is made very clear that a character is self-harming by scratching. Proceed with caution, and stay safe!

**CHAPTER SEVENTEEN**

_ in which Violet doodles _

“Well,” Solitude said, “Fuck.” 

The children backed up, with Klaus picking up Solitude as they moved. “Fiona, do you think we’ve been poisoned already?” he asked. 

“No.” Fiona said. “The spores shouldn’t reach us here. As long as we stay on the far end of the cavern, and the mushrooms stop advancing, we should be safe.” 

“They do seem to have stopped advancing.” Lilac said, watching the line of gray mushrooms, which did, indeed, seem to stop getting closer. 

“We’re lucky the mycelium has only grown that far.” Fiona said. 

“I don’t feel lucky.” Klaus said. “How are we going to get out?” 

“If we go through the mushrooms, we’ll be poisoned.” Fiona said. “I could find a cure in my mycological library, but we don’t want to take that chance.” 

“We could climb out that passage.” Lilac said, turning to the side. “Wait, no, it could be miles to the surface.” 

“We can’t go out that way anyway.” Fiona said. “If we don’t return to the  _ Queequeg, _ someone will have to go investigate.” 

Lilac flinched. “And I feel like your stepfather would send our siblings right into the poisonous fungus.” 

Fiona bit her lip. “He might come instead-” 

“Fiona,” Klaus said, “Your book said the mushroom waxes and wanes, right? So we’ll wait until it wanes, and then run to the water and swim back.” 

“But I don’t know how long until it starts waning.” Fiona said. “It could be a few minutes, or a few hours, or a few days.” 

“In a few days, we’ll miss the VFD gathering.” Solitude said, worried. 

“In a few days, Violet, Nick and Sunny will have ripped apart the  _ Queequeg.”  _ Klaus muttered under his breath. 

“It’s our only choice.” Fiona said. 

“It’s a Hobson’s choice.” Lilac sighed, sitting down on a chest. Klaus sat beside her, giggling slightly. 

“What’s that?” Fiona asked. 

Klaus smiled. “Thomas Hobson lived in Britain in the seventeenth century. He was in charge of a stable, and according to legend, he always told his customers they had a choice: they could take the horse closest to the door, or no horse at all.” 

“That’s not really a choice.” Fiona said. 

“Precisely.” Lilac said. “It’s something that’s not a choice at all. Our Mother used to give us Hobson’s Choices. She’d say, ‘Lilac, you can dust the furniture, or I can play polka music all night.’” 

“You can do the dishes,” Klaus remembered, “Or read the poetry of Edgar Guest.” 

“Eat your dinner or stay in the chair.” Solitude said. 

“She’d do that with the others, too.” Lilac recalled. “Violet could clean her room or we’d stand in the doorway and sing  _ Row Your Boat,  _ and Nick could be nice to guests or be made to read that third book about those kids in a maze, and Sunny could have a bath or a pink dress.” 

Fiona smiled. “Did your mother always joke around like that? Mine would get mad if I didn’t clean my room.” 

“Our mother would get mad, too.” Klaus said quietly. “One night, Violet and I left the window of the library open, and that night it rained.” 

“She really flew off the handle.” Lilac sighed. 

“We spoiled an atlas that she said was irreplaceable.” 

“Our father came down from his study to see what was the matter, and then he started yelling, too.” 

The Baudelaires looked at each other uncomfortably. They were silent for a long moment, remembering that, yes, there were times their parents weren’t perfect, and times they hated, and memories from before the fire that they didn’t want. 

That wasn’t a feeling they liked. 

“My brother used to get angry, too.” Fiona said quietly. “Before he disappeared, when they thought I was asleep, he’d have awful fights with my stepfather.” 

“Your stepfather didn’t mention that.” Lilac said. “He said your brother was charming.” 

“Maybe he only remembers the charming parts.” Fiona replied. “Maybe he doesn’t want to remember everything. Or keep some things secret.” 

“Do you think your stepfather knew about this place?” Klaus asked, glancing around. “He mentioned we might find a place to take off our diving helmets.” 

“Maybe that was just another secret he was keeping.” Lilac said. “Like the Sugar Bowl.” 

“Which we should look for.” Solitude sighed. 

They stood up, and took distant positions in the sand, careful not to step any closer to the Medusoid Mycelium. For several hours, they dug through the sand, but no matter how many objects the children found, no matter how much junk they dug through, there was no Sugar Bowl to be found. 

“Nick!  _ Nick!”  _

Violet pounded on the door that led to the dorms. She had to have been standing out there for two hours, but even after she gave him several minutes to himself, and then went back to knocking and shouting, her brother didn’t open the door. She’d debated running off to find Sunny, but she knew Nick would want to show his emotions even  _ less _ around their baby sister, and Sunny was probably fine in the kitchen with Phil. 

_ “Nick Liam Baudelaire, you will open the goddamn door right now, or I’m kicking it down!”  _

No response, again. Violet sighed, tying her hair back, and then she backed up down the hall. She took a running start, and then  _ slammed _ her weight against the door. The submarine, as old and broken as it was, was not prepared for the full force of an angry older sister, so the door lock slid away, and Violet barely managed to keep her footing as she stumbled into the room. 

Nick was sitting on a bottom bunk, curled up around a pillow. Whether he had been screaming or crying into it, Violet wasn’t sure, but she knew that she definitely didn’t want anyone else to come in and bother them. She closed the door behind them, before moving to sit on the other edge of the bunk. “Hey.” she said gently. 

No response. 

“Hey, listen, Widdershit’s wrong.” Violet assured him. “It wasn’t your fault.” 

He mumbled something into the pillow that she didn’t quite catch. 

“Nick, listen. Whatever you need to tell me, you can. I’ll listen, and- and I won’t judge, or- or get upset. I won’t even react if you don’t want me to. I won’t cry. I won’t tell the others if you don’t want them to know yet.” 

He mumbled something else. 

“Nick, I can’t understand you.” 

Nick pulled the pillow away, and Violet struggled very hard not to react, like she’d said she would. Her brother’s face was red, and she thought she could still see tears falling. 

“I said  _ go away.”  _

“Well, that’s not happening.” Violet moved a little on the bed so she could get closer to her brother and still face him. “If you want, we can just sit here in silence.” 

“I don’t want people around me.” 

“And I’m not leaving you alone.” 

Nick shut his eyes. “You didn’t have a problem leaving  _ Sunny  _ alone.” 

She knew instantly that he wasn’t talking about Sunny being in the kitchen with Phil. “She wasn’t hurt, and she wanted to spy. You, right now, need someone.” 

“I don’t  _ need you!”  _ Nick threw the pillow at Violet, who swiftly caught it- she’d been in enough pillow fights to have fast reflexes. 

“Now, Nick,” Violet tossed the pillow aside, “Listen, I-” 

“You weren’t  _ there!  _ No one was  _ there!” _ Nick screamed, throwing his hands over his face. “Widdershit doesn’t- he  _ knew!  _ He knew what they were  _ doing to me!  _ And he didn’t care! He wouldn’t have cared if they got any of  _ you!”  _

“Nick-” 

_ “He told me!”  _ Nick screamed, staring ahead blankly, almost as if he couldn’t see Violet, as if he was just yelling to himself, he just  _ had _ to get it out. “He told me too much! Widdershins keeps- keeps  _ talking  _ about secrets too- too terrible for young- young people to know- I know too much! I  _ felt  _ too much! I- I- I  _ know too much and I can’t-”  _

Violet reached forwards, but Nick pushed himself back. “Do you know what he  _ did,  _ Violet? Do you  _ have a fucking clue?”  _

Violet bit her lip. “I have… a few guesses.” 

“I- I tried to escape. In the woods. In the-” he shut his eyes. “Third or fourth time. Or maybe sixth. Maybe first. I can’t remember. I can’t even remember if I tried six times, Vi. Something’s wrong with me.” 

“No-” 

“He wouldn’t- he wouldn’t  _ stop-”  _

“Nick-” 

“He- he said-” Nick shut his eyes, trying and failing to stop the sobs. “He said if I kept trying to- to run- he’d take someone else. He- he said- he told me what he’d  _ do, Violet! He told me exactly what he’d do to each of you!”  _

Violet gasped, and Nick started rocking. “He told- he showed- he said- he said he’d pick a sibling and- and- and I’d have to watch, and then he’d kill me. Vi, he was going to kill me…” 

“Nick…” 

“He was going to kill me- kill me, slowly, long enough so- so he knew I knew I was leaving you alone-” 

Violet didn’t know what to say. 

“I know- I know what he- what he wanted- what he and what  _ she _ … what would happen to you, and to Lilac or Klaus or Soli or Sunny- and- and I want it  _ out!”  _ He slammed his fist onto the wall, not even flinching at the pain. “Vi, I want it  _ out! I want it out of my head!”  _

“Nick-” 

“I want it out! What he could’ve done! What he  _ did!  _ What they  _ did!  _ What  _ everyone has done!  _ All this  _ bullshit,  _ I want it  _ gone!”  _

Violet reached to hug him, but he backed up some more. “I want it gone… Vi, I can’t… I want to forget. I want it all  _ gone.”  _ He was crying softly now, not looking her in the eye. 

She opened her mouth to speak again, and then stared down at his arms; his sleeves had been pushed up. 

_ Oh no.  _ “Nick…” she began. 

Nick saw where she was looking and flinched back again, but Violet just leaned forwards, grabbing his forearms. 

“These, um… your skin’s getting pretty red.” she said quietly, trying very hard to remain calm after what she’d heard. “I don’t… I don’t know what itches, but I’d suggest you stop bothering it for a while. You scratch your arms any more and you could cause damage. Maybe break skin if…” 

Nick didn’t say anything. 

Violet bit her lip. “Nick.  _ Does _ something itch?” 

Slowly, very slowly, he shook his head. 

She ran a hand over her ponytail, and then she said, “Nick, I will be right back, but you have to promise not to lock the door.” 

“I don’t-” 

“I won’t tell anyone, promise. Nothing you just said leaves this room. But leave the door open, and don’t scratch any more.” 

He didn’t look at her directly, as tears still streamed down his face. Slowly, Violet got up, and ran out of the room. 

As soon as she was out of Nick’s sightline, she buried her head in her hands, struggling to remain calm.  _ Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out. Help him now, freak out later. You need to help, Vi. Just keep moving.  _ She shut her eyes tight, took a deep breath, and then started running again. 

It took a moment to navigate the halls of the submarine, but she eventually found the kitchen. She peered in, seeing Sunny shaking a jar of sprinkles. “Sunny-” 

“No come in!” Sunny shouted. “Surprise!” 

“Sorry.” Violet covered her eyes. “Sorry, but… do you know where there are pens or markers? I was going to ask Phil, but- where is he?” 

“Nodnaba,” Sunny said, and Violet heard her sliding from the counter.  _ “He and Widdershins stepped out a moment; they’ll be back soon.”  _

“Okay. Well, um, pens? Markers?” 

“Crayola,” Sunny said, which meant,  _ “There’s a whole box of markers right here, for writing labels on cannisters. Can you bring them back when you’re done?”  _

“Honestly, I can’t make any promises.” 

“Alzatadispalle,” Sunny said, which meant,  _ “Eh, fine, I don’t care about this submarine much anyway.”  _

“Thank you, Sunshine.” Violet said, stepping back and out of the kitchen. 

After a moment, Sunny dropped a box of markers at her feet, and then said, “Surprise later. Go now!” 

“Alright, alright.” Violet nodded, picking up the markers. “See you in a bit.” 

As soon as Sunny closed the kitchen door, though, Violet raced back to the dorms. She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw the door was still open, and she knocked a little before entering, to let Nick know she was coming in. 

He’d retrieved the pillow and had buried his face against it again. Violet sat beside him, and said, “Hey, can we ditch that for a sec?” 

Nick sighed and tossed the pillow against the wall, glaring over at her. “What?” 

Violet slowly took his arm again, holding it out and trying to ignore the thumping in her chest when she saw the red skin. Then, slowly, she took a marker from the box, and started to draw on his arm. 

“What are you-” 

“Shh.” Violet said. “Hold on a moment.” 

She continued to draw, no set idea on what she was doodling in mind. But she swirled the marker- a light blue color- around her brother’s arm, until there was just a jumble of color. Then, an idea finally coming to her, she took a black marker and drew some squiggles above it, mirroring the shape of their Uncle’s prized snake, the Incredibly Deadly Viper. It felt like a lifetime since they’d seen him. 

“Now, Nick,” she said quietly, finally releasing his arm. He lifted it up, staring at the drawing. “How was that?” 

“Huh?” he sniffled. 

“Did that… help?” 

He glanced down. “It… it kept me… grounded. Yeah.” 

Violet took his hands, squeezing them softly. “When you feel… feel like you want to scratch without an itch, I want you to take these markers and draw where you… where you want to hurt. Do that instead. It should help. And if it doesn’t, I want you to tell me, okay?” 

Nick narrowed his eyes. “I can keep the markers?” 

“Yeah.” 

“I, um. I’m not an artist.” 

“Just draw squiggles. It’s not like we’re submitting it to an art show.” 

A smile flickered briefly across Nick’s face- not for long, but enough that Violet felt relief course through her. 

“Where, um…” he paused, hesitant. “Where’d you get this idea?” 

Violet waited until he met her eyes, and she admitted, “About two years ago, I asked Father why he had pen drawings on his arm.” 

Nick’s eyes widened. “He- Dad?” 

Violet nodded. “And he said if I ever felt this way… well, now you have an outlet that doesn’t involve hurting yourself.” 

Nick bit his lip. “I… I’m sorry-” 

“No. No, it’s not your fault.” Violet said, almost sternly.  _ “None  _ of this is your fault, do you understand?” She waited until he nodded to continue. “Do you want me to keep this to myself? Or do you want me to tell the others?” 

“Just… quiet. Please.” he said. 

“Okay. Just let me know if you change your mind, or if you need anything else.” 

Nick looked up at her, and then he threw himself at her, clutching her very tight. Violet hugged him back, and he whispered, “I love you.” 

“I love you, too, baby bro.” 

She hadn’t called him that since he was four. But she could tell he didn’t mind. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> REMINDER
> 
> I will be unable to update tomorrow as I will be driving to college. I will update again asap! Love y'all! 
> 
> ~Midas


	18. in which Solitude catches a cold

**CHAPTER EIGHTEEN**

_ in which Solitude catches a cold _

After a while, Solitude found a box of crackers and peanut butter, and called for her siblings and Fiona to come eat with her. They sat around, and Lilac said, “I’m beginning to think this is a fool’s errand.” 

“We’re finding nothing but junk.” Solitude huffed. 

“Maybe not.” Klaus said. He held up the poetry book he’d found earlier. “Most of this is too damp to read, but the title page says _ Versed Furtive Disclosure. _Meaning that these poems might have secrets or codes.” 

Fiona paused, before digging through her pile of items. “I found an envelope earlier. I didn’t open it because I was looking for the Sugar Bowl, but maybe it would be useful.” 

“I found a newspaper scrap.” Lilac said. “I, uh, read a bit. Maybe we could discuss what we’ve read while we eat.” 

Klaus was already flipping through the book. “Most of these pages are soaked- here’s something! Verse Fluctuation Declaration.” 

“Whazzit?” Solitude asked. 

“You substitute words in poems.” Klaus said. “There’s an example in here- if you use the poem ‘The Last Duchess’ by Robert Browning, but spell it, ‘My Last Wife’ by ‘Obert Browning’, that would communicate ‘Duchess R.’” 

“It’s a substitution.” Lilac said. “Like Aunt Josephine used.” 

“There are lots of different codes in VFD.” Fiona sighed. “I don’t know them all.” 

“Codes are nothing more than a way of talking so some people understand and some don’t.” Klaus said. “We used VFD phrases to talk to Quigley in the cave.” 

Fiona slid forwards, smiling as she skimmed the letter. “Maybe we should make a code of our own.” 

“We could use food as codewords.” Lilac said, glancing down at the bottles Solitude had collected. “We’ll draw up a list of foods, and bring them up in conversation so our enemies don’t know anything.” 

“Like… ‘poached egg’ means ‘half the battle.’” Klaus said. “Remember when Nick used that metaphor and we punched him for it?” 

_ “Violet _punched him for it. We just watched.” 

Fiona narrowed her eyes. “I, um, hate to interrupt, but… this letter certainly is interesting.” 

“What’s inside?” Lilac asked, scooting over to look over Fiona’s shoulder. 

“It’s addressed to Gregor Anwhistle, the guy who ran this place and then died.” Fiona said. “By a woman named Kit. According to her letter, Gregor was involved in something called a schism. What’s that?” 

“It was a big conflict within VFD.” Klaus replied. “Quigley knew a little about it, but not much. Everybody chose sides.” 

“What side was Gregor on?” Solitude asked, shaking the wasabi jar. 

“I don’t know.” Fiona said. “Some of this letter is in code, and some of it in water. It sounds like Gregor was involved in something called Volatile Fungus Deportation.” 

“Who was moving unstable mushrooms?” Klaus asked. 

“VFD.” Fiona said. “During the schism, Gregor thought the Medusoid Mycelium might be useful. Kit said, ‘The poisonous fungus you insist on cultivating in the grotto will bring grim consequences for all of us. Our factory at Lousy Lane can provide some dilution of the mycelium’s destructive respiratory capabilities, and you assure me that the mycelium grows best in small, enclosed spaces, but this is of little comfort. One mistake, Gregor, and your entire facility would have to be abandoned. Please, do not become the thing you dread most by adopting the destructive tactic of our most villainous enemies: playing with fire.” 

Klaus took out his commonplace book, writing fast as Fiona read. “So Gregor was planning to use the mushrooms on the enemies of VFD.” 

“He was going to poison people?” Lilac asked. 

“Villainous people,” Fiona replied. “But Kit thought that using the poisonous mushrooms was equally villainous. They were working on a way to weaken the poison on Lousy Lane, but she still thought the Volatile Fungus Deportation was too dangerous.” 

“And now the center is gone and the mycelium remains.” Lilac said. 

“Was Gregor a villain?” Solitude asked, cocking her head. 

“I think he was volatile.” Fiona answered, putting an arm around the child. “Like the Medusoid Mycelium. And the writer of this letter says that if you cultivate something volatile, then you’re playing with fire.” 

Lilac bit her lip. “We’ve been volatile recently, I’m afraid.” 

Fiona put a hand over hers. “Everyone is, I think.” 

Solitude looked over their shoulders, and said, “Waning.” 

The mushrooms were indeed starting to sink back into the sand behind them. 

“Soon it’ll be safe to return.” Klaus said. “We must’ve been here all night.” 

“It must be a short cycle.” Fiona said, looking excited at this new information. 

“We’ll… discuss this newspaper later.” Lilac said, pocketing it. “Next time we’re somewhere boring.” 

“My brother always had a deck of cards with him.” Fiona said. “In case he was in a boring situation. He invented this game called Fernald’s Folly, and we used to play it together when we had a long wait.” 

“Fernald?” Klaus asked. “Was that your brother’s name?” 

Fiona nodded, not noticing Lilac flinch, and then said, “Soli, why don’t you hand the food to one of your siblings, it should fit in their pockets.” 

Soli nodded, passing Klaus the wasabi and Lilac two cannisters, and soon they put on their diving helmets, suiting up for their return journey. Solitude _ hmm_ed as Fiona helped her put her helmet back on, saying, “Sand’s inside, I think.” 

“It’ll wash out, don’t worry.” Fiona assured her. “Lilac, if you get tired of holding Soli, you can try to pass her to me.” 

“Or me.” Klaus volunteered. 

“Or I can swim.” Solitude said. 

“The current’ll be too strong for someone of your size.” Lilac said. “But we better hurry, before our siblings get into too much trouble.” 

“Violet. Violet. _ Violet.” _

Violet sat up, rubbing her eyes. It took her a second to get her bearings; her and Nick had fallen asleep, still hugging; he was groaning at the moment, also blinking sleep from his eyes. 

Sunny was sitting on top of Violet, pushing her to try and get her to move. “What?” Violet sighed. 

“Sola.” _ “We’re alone.” _

“What?” Violet sat up a bit straighter, helping Nick sit up. 

“Senso-orario,” Sunny said, which meant something like, _ “I fell asleep in the kitchen, and when I woke up, Phil and Widdershins still hadn’t returned, and now I can’t find them anywhere.” _

“What do you mean? They’re gone?” Violet asked. 

“Where are the others?” Nick bolted upright, terrified. 

“Not back.” 

“They’re not_ back?” _

Violet leapt to her feet. “We have to check the hatch. See if Phil and Widdershins left, or if the others have returned.” 

The three siblings raced out of the room, with Nick holding very tightly onto Sunny. They ran to the ladder that lead up to the hatch, and jumped when they heard a pounding. 

“They’re knocking.” Violet said. “That is, unless it’s someone else-” 

“Open it!” Nick said. 

“I have to activate the valve!” She ran to the side, looking at a control panel. “Shit, shit, shit… here!” 

As soon as they heard the valve activate, Violet raced up the ladder and threw open the hatch. And after a second, Lilac leapt down, let out a cry, and threw her arms around Violet, hugging her tight. 

“Wow! Fuck! What happened?” Violet said. 

“Get _ inside!” _Nick called. 

Klaus leapt in, carrying Solitude, and followed by Fiona, who shut the hatch behind them. When they finally descended into the hall, Lilac started to take her helmet off, saying, “What took so long? Where’s everyone else?” 

“We don’t know.” Nick admitted; he’d run forwards and thrown his free arm around Klaus and Soli. “We woke up and everyone was gone.” 

“That can’t be right.” Fiona said. 

They headed down the hall, as Fiona and Lilac started to call for Widdershins and Phil. They made their way to the main room, and stopped. 

“Where did the balloons come from?” Nick asked, looking ahead at three balloons, decorated with _ VFD. _

“VFD balloons?” Klaus looked very confused. 

“That doesn’t matter.” Violet said. “Where are Widdershins and Phil?” 

“Maybe they’re taking a nap.” Lilac said, as she moved to help Klaus remove his helmet. 

“No, they’d have wanted to watch you. You would’ve shown up on the sonar.” Violet said, moving to the screen. “They would’ve wanted to make sure you were coming back.” 

“Oh no.” Fiona whispered. 

They turned, watching as Fiona removed her helmet, shaking slightly. “Fiona?” Lilac asked.

“Their helmets are gone.” Fiona said, numbly. “They had diving helmets here, in case of emergency. They’re… they’re gone. They left the _ Queequeg.” _

“No.” Klaus shook his head. “No, they would’ve waited for us.” 

“Not if something else came up.” Fiona said, her voice choked up. “He wouldn’t hesitate.” Lilac walked over to her, putting a comforting hand on her arm, and Fiona carefully leaned onto Lilac’s shoulder. 

“Maybe they were captured.” Nick shuddered. 

“And their captors left balloons?” Klaus asked, placing Solitude on the ground. 

“Don’t worry. We’ll figure this out.” Lilac said. “Just get Solitude’s helmet off, and we can find some sort of clue. There’ll be something, there’s always something.” 

Klaus reached forwards, and then froze. 

For a moment, he was blank. And then his eyes widened in horror. 

“No.” he said. 

“What?” Lilac looked over. 

“No.” Klaus said. “No, no, no-” 

“What?” Nick sounded like all his nightmares were hitting him at once. “What is _ wrong with her?” _

“No.” Lilac realized, and she and Fiona ran forwards and stared, terrified, at the toddler. 

Inside Solitude’s hemet, stalks and caps were starting to sprout. 

“It’s the Medusoid Mycelium.” Fiona said. 

“No.” Violet said, stepping back. “Oh no!” 

“No!” Sunny screeched, starting to wail. 

“Get her out!” Nick cried, reaching forwards. “Get her out-” 

“No!” Fiona said, grabbing onto Solitude and placing her carefully onto the table. “If we open the helmet, the fungus will spread. The entire submarine could become a field of mushrooms!” 

“We can’t leave her in there!” Nick screamed. 

“She’ll be poisoned!” Lilac shouted. 

“She’s already poisoned.” Fiona said, and as she said that, Solitude started to cough. 

“I can’t-” Soli began. 

“Don’t talk.” Fiona knelt in front of her. “The mycelium has destructive respiratory capabilities, so you need to save your breath. The fungus will be growing inside your throat, and we only have an hour at most. It would be fascinating if it weren’t so horrible.” 

“No! No, Soli, _ no!” _Sunny screamed. 

“Fiona, please! Get her _ out _ of there!” Nick begged, running towards his little sister, gripping so tightly onto Sunny that his knuckles were white. “We can’t lose her!” 

“What can we do?” Klaus asked. 

“I…” Fiona shut her eyes. “Violet, Lilac, fire up the engines. Klaus, Nick, I need you to help me research an antidote. Sunny, we’ll need you, in case the antidote is culinary.” 

“We should help you research. We don’t need-” Violet began. 

“No!” Fiona shouted, and she whipped around, and they realized that she was crying. _ “I _ am the captain now and _ that _ is an order! Get us out of here _ now _ while we _ save your fucking sister!” _

Everyone froze, staring. 

And then Lilac nodded, and sadly said, “Aye-aye.” 

“Lilac-” Violet began. 

And then Nick said, “Oh no.” 

They turned to him, and saw that he was, shockingly, not watching Solitude, but the sonar screen. He had put Sunny down, which was lucky, because he was now stumbling backwards, his eyes wide. He reached for his arm, and then dug his hands into his pockets, shuddering and struggling to breathe. 

“No, no…” he said. 

They felt a lurch, and the siblings turned towards the sonar screen, to see what had hit them. 

Large, metal tubes had grabbed onto the edge of the _ Queequeg, _and it was slowly pulling them out of the cave, and towards an Octopus-shaped submarine. 

Solitude coughed again, and everyone felt their hopes shatter. 


	19. in which Count Olaf is a dick

**CHAPTER NINETEEN**

_ in which Count Olaf is a dick _

Nick let out a piercing scream and collapsed on the ground, curling up and throwing his arms over his neck. Violet and Klaus raced to him, and Lilac hesitated a moment before running for Soli, Sunny and Fiona, blocking them with her arms. 

“What’s-” Fiona began. 

They all screamed as the _ Queequeg _ was pulled inside the octopus, and was roughly tossed from side to side of the submarine. Lilac and Fiona each grabbed a toddler to hold, and then they ran over to the others, so they were all in a tight embrace, clutching each other and trying not to fall. Nick eventually stopped screaming, only to just grip onto Klaus’s shoulder and sob into his sleeve. 

When the _ Queequeg _ finally came to a shuddering stop, the Baudelaires just huddled and shuddered for a bit. But when they heard a door of the submarine slam open, Lilac thrust Solitude into Violet’s hands and then leapt to her feet to stand in front of her siblings, trying to stop shaking. 

“Ha ha ha heepa-heepa ho!” came a villainous laugh from the hallway, and within a few moments, Count Olaf entered, dressed in a similar suit of slippery material, only with a portrait of Edgar Guest instead of Herman Melville. “Tee hee tort tort tort!” 

“No, no,” Violet looked up, giving him a glare. “Don’t do that.” 

“This isn’t fucking funny, you piece of shit.” Lilac snapped. “There’s nothing funny about villainy.” 

“Of course there is!” Olaf crowed. “Just think of it! I made my way down the mountain and found pieces of your toboggan scattered all over some very sharp rocks! I thought you had drowned in the Stricken Stream and were swimming with all those coughing fishes! I was brokenhearted!” 

“You weren’t brokenhearted.” Klaus said, holding very tightly onto Nick. “You’ve tried to kill us plenty of times.” 

“Why, that’s why I was brokenhearted!” Olad cried. “I personally planned to slaughter you Baudelaires myself, after I had your fortune of course, and pry the Sugar Bowl from your dead fingers! To cheer myself up, I met my associates, where they lent me some of their new recruits to get this submarine working again!” 

Fiona gripped onto Sunny, who was growling as if she intended to throw herself at Olaf and bite his limbs off. 

“Of course, I need to be back at the Hotel Denouement by Thursday,” Olaf said, “But in the meantime I had a few days to kill, so I thought I’d kill some of my old enemies! I was looking for Widdershins and his idiotic submarine, but now that I’ve captured the _ Queequeg, _I find you Baudelaires aboard- and this little girl.” 

He stepped closer, putting a hand on Fiona’s chin. Lilac gasped and ran forwards, slapping his arm away. “You must be Fiona.” he said. “Why, you’re all grown up! The last time I saw you, I was trying to throw thumbtacks into your cradle.” 

Nick shot up his head, giving Olaf a glare that could have killed him. “Get _ away _ from her!” 

“I don’t think you get to tell me what to do.” Olaf waved his hand, and Nick flinched. Violet flung her arm in front of him, the other arm holding a whimpering Soli. “Where’s Widdershins, anyway?” 

“My stepfather is not around at the moment.” Fiona muttered. 

“Ah, so he abandoned you.” Olaf nodded. “I suppose it was only a matter of time. Your whole family could never choose which side of the schism was theirs. Anyway, it’s time to lock you all in the brig- which is the official seafaring term for jail-” 

“We know what a brig is.” Klaus hissed. 

“-until you give us the location of the Sugar Bowl.” 

Solitude opened her mouth to say something, only to let out a string of coughs. 

“What’s wrong with that one?” Olaf asked, shooting a glare at Solitude’s suit. 

“Soli’s very ill.” Violet said, slowly moving her other arm from Nick to hug Soli closer, as she didn’t want Olaf thinking the young girl in her arms was a decent target. 

“She’s been infected with a deadly poison,” Fiona said, “And if we don’t get her the antidote in an hour, she’ll die.” 

“What do I care?” Olaf growled. “I only need one Baudelaire to get my hands on the fortune. Now come with me.” 

“We’re not going _ anywhere, _ you son of a bitch.” Lilac said, backing up to stand in front of Fiona and Sunny. 

Olaf sighed, and drew a sword from his side; the Baudelaires jumped, having not noticed it before. “You _ are _ going to come with me, or I will stab you and throw you out to sea to feed the Great Unknown.” 

Lilac and Violet glanced at each other, and then around, trying to spot an escape route. This, however, was a mistake; Olaf figured out very quickly what they were planning, and before they could do anything, he reached forwards and ripped Nick out of Klaus’s grasp. 

“No!” Lilac screamed, as Nick let out a screech, and Olaf shoved his sword under his neck. 

“Let him go, you bastard!” Violet shouted, and Solitude coughed quite a bit. 

“Nick! No!” Klaus leapt to his feet, as if he planned to tackle Olaf himself. 

Nick shut his eyes, and screamed, in a strangled voice, “You son of a bitch! Don’t _ touch me!” _

“My dear Nick,” Olaf pressed the sword more against the boy’s neck, and Nick bit his lip to hold back a cry, “What have I told you all? I can touch _ whatever _ I want.” 

“Let him go, _ please! _We need to stay here to save Solitude!” Lilac begged. 

“Does it look like I give a shit?” Olaf said, before gesturing his head. “Follow me, or I finally get to stab this one.” 

“We’ll tell you where the Sugar Bowl is if you let us save Soli!” Violet said. 

“That’s not going to work, either.” Olaf rolled his eyes. “I’m not bargaining with an orphan, no matter how pretty she may be.” Lilac reached over to grab Violet’s arm. “My henchperson will simply torture the information out of you.” He smirked down at Nick, who was shaking uncontrollably. “Isn’t that right?”

Nick didn’t respond, barely keeping himself from sobbing. 

“Now, move along, orphans.” Olaf spat. “I’ll give you the grand tour on the way to your doom.” 

He pushed a terrified Nick in front of him, still holding the sword to his neck, and after several panicked looks, the children realized they had no choice but to follow. 

“Don’t worry, Soli, we’ll figure something out.” Lilac said, looking over at the child in Violet’s arms. 

“Nick…” Soli began to say, only to be interrupted by coughing. 

Klaus took Sunny from Fiona, holding her tight, and Lilac grabbed onto her arm as they followed Olaf out of the _Queequeg_’s hatch. 

There was a large amount of water on the ground as they splashed out, and Olaf pressed an eye on the wall to open a door, leading them down a hall. Nick had his eyes shut, and looked like he’d finally figured out he couldn’t fight, and his only method of escape now was to pretend he was somewhere else. 

“This submarine is one of the greatest things I’ve ever stolen.” he bragged. “It has everything I’ll need to defeat those pesky volunteers once and for all. It has a sonar system, an enormous flyswatter, a lifetime supply of matches, several cases of wine, a closet full of very stylish outfits for my girlfriend, and plenty of opportunities for children to do hard labor.” 

They turned the corner, and flinched as they saw the room. It was filled with benches, and all of those benches were filled with children; some of them were former snow scouts, but some of them they didn’t recognize at all. The children were holding onto large oars, rowing them back and forth to control the octopus’s tentacles. In the middle of the hall was another octopus, this one named Esme Squalor; she wore an outfit of slippery cloth resembling the sea beast, and was holding a long, damp noodle. 

“Row faster, you stupid brats! It’s already Monday, we have to get to the Hotel before Thursday!” Esme shouted. “I _ will _ hit you with this tagliatelle grande!” 

“Hello, darling!” Olaf called. “I’ve captured the Baude-brats!” 

“Wonderful! I thought we’d lost the chance to murder them!” Esme turned, scanning the group and strutting forwards, her tentacles swaying as she walked. She pointed at Fiona. “Is that one new? Or did one of the babies grow up fast?” 

“This is Widdershins’s little stepdaughter.” Olaf said. “The captain abandoned her!” 

“Abandoned her?” Esme repeated. “How In! How stylish! How marvelous! I’ll tell these recruits to row this submarine faster! We’ll get the Sugar Bowl before Thursday at this rate! Then everyone will know the name of our wonderful ship!” 

“Let me guess,” Violet spat, glaring over at Esme with fire in her eyes, “This submarine called the _ Olaf?” _

“No.” Olaf groaned. _ “Somebody _ made me change it.” 

“The _ Olaf _ is a cakesniffing name!” shouted a familiar voice, and the children turned to see Carmelita strut in, dressed in an outfit that was absurd and varying shades of pink- a wide, frilly tutu, an enormous crown, two cardboard wings, pink hearts drawn on her cheeks, and two pink tap shoes. Around her neck was a stethoscope, and in one hand she held a sparkly wand. 

“What in the actual _ fuck _ are you wearing?” Violet asked. 

Carmelita rolled her eyes. “You’re just jealous because I’m a tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian!” 

“And she’s adorable!” Esme added. “Isn’t she adorable, Olaf?” 

“I suppose so.” Olaf said. “Next time, _ ask _ before taking disguises from my trunk.” 

“But _ Countie, _I needed these!” Carmelita whined. “I need a special outfit for my special tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian dance recital!” 

Several of the children groaned at their oars. 

“Carmelita is the most talented dancer in the entire universe!” Esme growled, slapping her noodle. “You brats should be grateful that she is performing for you!” 

“I’d rather die.” murmured a girl. 

“Umore,” Sunny said, which roughly translated to, _ “God, that’s a mood.” _

Esme slapped her noodle again, and then turned back to the group. She moved forwards, kneeling down to look Nick in the eyes. He went very pale, trying to match her glare and stop shaking, opening his mouth to try and say something, but failing. 

“What did we tell you, you little beast?” she hissed. “You can’t get away from us.” 

“Don’t touch him!” Violet yelled, her voice rising in a pure fury. 

“Leave him alone!” Klaus said, staring at Olaf’s sword and trying to figure out how to fight him without injuring his brother. 

Lilac, though shaking, took the time to pull out her ribbon and tie back her hair. 

“Dear, I think we should split this one up from his pack.” Esme said, smiling. “He intended to hold me hostage, remember? I think he needs to re-learn how to behave.” 

“No!” Klaus screeched, starting forwards as Nick let out a whimper and Violet let out a noise that sounded like a scream.

Olaf turned to glare at Klaus, and then he put Nick in a tight headlock before swinging his sword towards the twin. “I was planning to split them up anyway. They’re too rowdy when they’re all together.” 

Lilac gave Fiona a look, and after a second, Fiona caught her drift and nodded. 

“Maybe we split them into two rooms, two and two.” Esme said. “I don’t want to walk to six different rooms to find out which one of them squealed first.” 

“I thought two and two made four.” Carmelita said, a bit perplexed. “There’s, like, ten of them.” 

“Well, that’s just what comes from going to school to learn math.” Esme said. 

“Two and two definitely make four.” Violet said. 

“Are we really having this conversation?” Klaus asked his sister, gesturing to Olaf and his sword, and Nick, who looked about ready to burst. 

Lilac grabbed Fiona’s hand, squeezing it as they crept a bit closer, while everyone was deep in their conversation. 

“No, no, there’s…” Esme counted on her fingers. “Four and a half of you brats, plus the Widdershins-” 

“There’s six of us.” Violet said. 

“No, no, the babies only count for half.” 

“First of all, that’s not right at all.” Klaus said. “Second, that’d make _ five-” _

“No, both of them come together to make half.” 

“So you consider them each a quarter of a person?” Violet asked. 

“I mean,” Carmelita said, “They’re, like, a quarter of your height.” 

“Height doesn’t indicate personhood.” Klaus said. 

“Of course it does.” Olaf said. “That’s why children aren’t people.” 

“Holy fuck,” said a girl at the oars, “What the _ hell _ is _ wrong _ with you all?” 

“Don’t group us in with them!” Violet said. 

Lilac and Fiona edged into position, before nodding again. 

“I’m getting tired of this.” Olaf said, waving his sword and gesturing at Nick. “You all get to see the first brig, it’s deluxe, as it comes with a noose. I think we should put this one in the second brig for-” 

Lilac leapt forwards as Olaf swung his weapon, grabbing the hilt of the sword and yanking it back, trying to break his grip. At that moment, Fiona flung herself at the arm holding Nick, trying to rip it away. Nick flew his eyes open, realizing what was happening, and struggled in Olaf’s grasp to try to help. 

“What the- you little shits!” Olaf shouted, as Lilac managed to grab and toss the sword. 

“Run!” Lilac screamed at her stunned siblings. “Go, we-” 

She let out a scream as Esme’s noodle whip hit her; it didn’t hurt much, but it was a strange, tingly feeling that she definitely didn’t like. She started to run, only for Esme to reach forwards and grab her, dragging her back. 

Fiona looked up, eyes going wide. “Lilac!” 

Carmelita raced forwards, delivering a kick to the mycologist’s knees. Fiona gasped and stumbled back, and Carmelita wasted no time in tripping her up. 

“Look, Countie!” she shouted as Fiona fell to the ground. “I caught a cakesniffer!” 

Fiona landed on her stomach, right beside a row of children, who looked to each other in a panic, as if wondering if they should help. 

“Let go of Lilac!” Klaus ran forwards to hit at Esme as Sunny growled, but stepped back as Esme swung her whip towards him. 

“None of you brats move!” she ordered. 

Olaf was stepping back, still dragging a struggling Nick with him, bending down to grab the sword before any of the children could get close enough to it. At that, one of the girls at the end of the row by Fiona ducked down to get close to her face, and pressed something into her hand. 

“Hide this.” she whispered, before turning back to her oars as if nothing had happened. 

Fiona opened her mouth to ask, but then Olaf managed to reach his weapon. “Esme, get the Widdershins.” he said, sounding furious. 

Sensing she had to hurry, Fiona shoved the item into her pocket, just as Esme tossed her whip to Carmelita and hauled her to her feet, keeping a very tight grip on her arm. 

“Let go of her!” Lilac shouted. 

“Let them go right _ now!” _Violet cried. 

“For the love of _ God, _ shut _ up!” _Olaf groaned. “Say one more word and I’ll pick one of you to stab before we can start the torture!” 

The Baudelaires and Fiona, knowing he was serious and realizing they didn’t have proper medical equipment to treat a stab wound, stopped talking, but did not stop glaring. 

“That’s so much better.” Olaf said. “Now, Esme, I have a better idea than you.” 

“No, you don’t.” Esme said. “My ideas are always better.” 

“I think,” Olaf said, pressing his sword against Nick’s throat, “We should put those two little rebels in with our little Nick.” 

Nick finally started to cry, tears streaming down his face as he almost collapsed, and Violet shouted, “You _ bastard! _ Leave them _ alone!” _

“Esme, help me take them to their prison,” Olaf said, “And we’ll throw the rest of them in the deluxe cell for Hooky to deal with.” 

“Ugh, _ fine. _ But I want to be in charge.” Esme said, raising her voice to be heard over Nick’s tears. 

“I’m the captain, darling.” 

“Don’t go near them!” Klaus said, even as Esme kicked towards him to get him to move. “Let us go!” 

“No! No, don’t- Nick! Nick, don’t panic!” Violet shouted. “Nick, I promise, it’ll be okay-” 

“Carmelita, sweetie, watch the recruits while we take care of these brats.” Esme said. “You can whip them if they don’t watch your dancing.” 

“Whoo!” Carmelita cheered, waving the noodle around. 

Violet and Klaus nervously followed Olaf and Esme, who were dragging their siblings and friend down several more twisty halls, desperately clutching their younger sisters and trying to think of a way to escape. Violet was near tears, both of panic and fury. If looks could kill, the glare of pure contempt she was giving Olaf would have burned him alive.

They finally stopped in front of a hall that had three or four doors, each with an eye where the doorknob should have been. Olaf swung open one door, and Esme tossed Lilac and Fiona in first; the two girls hit the floor hard, and Lilac flinched before scrambling to a sitting position, just in time to see Olaf toss Nick inside. 

“We’ll be back soon!” Olaf said in a falsely happy voice, right before he slammed the door shut. 

They heard a lock click, and Nick started to sob. 


	20. in which Lilac leads a jailbreak

**CHAPTER TWENTY**

_ in which Lilac leads a jailbreak _

Lilac launched herself forwards, throwing her arms around Nick and hugging him close. “We’re getting out! I promise! We’re getting out before they can hurt you again!” 

Nick didn’t say anything; he opened his mouth to try and speak, but all that came out were strangled sobs and screams. He gripped tight onto his eldest sister, burying his face in her shirt and shaking uncontrollably. 

“Nick, Nick, look at me. Look at me!” Lilac said, trying to pull away. “Nick, _ look at me! _We’re getting out!”

Her younger brother finally pulled away, but only to run off to the corner of the small brig, where he leaned over and vomited onto the floor, barely keeping his own balance. Lilac jumped to her feet and dragged him towards the wall, as he shook more and clung to her arm. 

“We need to get out of here.” Fiona said, kneeling in front of the knob. “Lilac, what kind of lock is this?” 

“I…” Lilac slid onto a hard bench, where Nick sat beside her and refused to stop clinging to her side. “I glanced at the locks on our way in. They’re ordinary enough pin-tumbler locks, so- hold on a moment. Nick, Nick, please-” 

Nick shuddered beside her, and he finally choked out, “I’m _ sorry! I’m sorry!” _

“No! No, don’t be-” 

“I’m _ sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry-” _he didn’t seem able to say anything else, and after a minute or so of just saying that while Lilac hugged him tight, he burst into sobs again. 

“Nick, it’ll be okay. We’ll be out before they can get to us. Promise.” Lilac said. 

Carefully, Fiona crept forwards, also putting an arm around Nick to try and provide some form of comfort. Lilac pulled them both closer, and then she said, “Fi, they’re pin-tumbler locks. But I don’t have a hairpin…” 

Fiona opened her mouth to admit she didn’t have one, either, but then she paused, and slowly reached into her pocket. She pulled out the item the recruit had given her, and held it out. 

A hairpin. 

“One of those kids slipped it to me.” Fiona said. “She must’ve known how to break out of the locks, or guessed.” 

“Good to know we have someone on our side.” Lilac said, relief in her voice. “Do you know how to pick a lock?” 

Fiona smiled slightly. “Do you know how to fix a lamp?” 

Lilac smirked a little. “I’ll help Nick if you get the door.” 

“Absolutely. Then we’ll all bust out.” 

Fiona ran to the door, kneeling down to work the lock, and Lilac said, “See, Nick? We’re getting out. We’re-” 

“No. No, no, no…” Nick muttered, hugging her tight. “No, no, no, no…” 

“We’re getting out!” 

“We can’t get out, we can’t get out, _ we can’t get out, we… he’s going to kill us, he’s… _ Lilac, I… _ I don’t want to…” _

Lilac shut her eyes and started to rock back-and-forth, keeping her arms very tight around her brother. “Shh. Shh.” 

“I’m _ sorry, I’m sorry…” _he repeated this until he couldn’t speak any more, his throat too choked up and the tears coming too fast. 

And then Lilac quietly sang, _ “Pretty when the wind blows, I love my tree in autumn… Like I love my tree in summer, like I love my tree in winter… They put me in a room, and I thought of you in autumn…” _

She shut her eyes, humming the next line, and then she picked up again. Fiona kept working on the lock, and Nick kept clinging to Lilac, terrified to let go, and she kept singing. 

_ “Pretty when you sing me a new song in autumn, or a new song in winter, or a new song in summer…” _

“Let us _ go!” _ Violet pounded on the door, shouting at the top of her lungs. “Let us _ out, you son of a fuck!” _

Klaus was sitting on the bench, with both Soli and Sunny curled up in his lap. Soli was leaning against his arm, coughing, while Sunny kept looking around the cell for anything that might bust them out. 

“We need to get out of here!” Klaus said desperately. “Violet, what can we use to open the door?” 

“Sunny,” Violet spun around on her heels, running to the bench and tying her hair back as fast as she could, “Bite the chains binding his bench to the wall until they fall off. We can use it as a battering ram.” 

“I mean,” Klaus said, as Sunny gave Solitude a pat on the hand and then slid off towards the chains, “I meant, is there a lockpick-” 

“I’m not Lilac, buddy, we’re breaking down the door.” Violet considered, glancing around. “Think we could make a flamethrower instead? What’ve we got?” 

At that moment, though, the door swung open, and in walked the Hook-Handed Man. 

Violet leapt in front of her siblings, and Klaus reached out to grab Sunny, who honestly didn’t look too worried. 

“Alright, orphans,” he said, “I’m not gonna sugarcoat this, I’m here to torture you.” 

“You can torture us all you want-” Violet began. 

“I am gonna torture you all I want.” 

“We don’t know where the Sugar Bowl is,” Violet finished, “And we don’t care!” 

Solitude started coughing again, as the Hook-Handed Man said, “Shut up! Now, the boss has questions, and so do I. Why were you on the _ Queequeg? _ What are you playing at?” 

“What?” Klaus asked. 

The Hook-Handed Man glanced towards him, narrowing his eyes. “Why’s that baby got a diving suit still on?” 

“She’s _ sick!” _Klaus said. “If we don’t get her back to the submarine, she’ll die!” 

“I don’t have time for tricks!” the Hook-Handed Man moved forwards, reaching out for Solitude, but then he froze, staring inside her helmet. 

“Please?” Sunny crawled over, putting her hands on one of his hooks and tilting her head. 

But the Hook-Handed Man didn’t look at her; he stared at the mushrooms, poking out of the helmet as Soli coughed. “She’s infected with the Medusoid Mycelium.” he said, astonished. He turned towards the other Baudelaires, saying, “Do you _ know _ how dangerous that fungus is?” 

“Of course we do!” Violet said, glancing at the door; the Hook-Handed Man had left it unlocked behind them, slightly ajar, but she couldn’t run while he was right next to her siblings. “That’s why we have to get her back!” 

“You have to help us, please!” Klaus begged. 

Sunny clutched harder onto his hooks, until the man looked down at her. She stared up at him, pleading with her eyes. Then, she said, in a very small voice, “She’s our sister.” The Hook-Handed Man stared, and then she added, “Please.” 

He opened and closed his mouth multiple times, before finally saying, “I- where are your other siblings?” 

Violet peered over at him. Did this mean he would help? “They’re in the other brig-” 

They heard a door slam open. 

_ “And _they just escaped.” she said, nodding. 

“Well, that’s just great.” the Hook-Handed Man sighed, pulling away from Sunny and Klaus and crossing his hooks. “The boss is gonna hate this.” 

“Why do you care? He’s a fucking bastard.” Klaus said. 

“Hey-” the Hook-Handed Man began. 

The door swung open, and the siblings looked to see that Lilac had seemingly kicked it open; she and Fiona both had their arms around Nick to support him, as he was still shaking like a leaf and had his eyes shut tight, though it thankfully seemed that he’d recently stopped crying. 

“Jailbreak! Everyone out!” Lilac shouted. Her eyes fell on the Hook-Handed Man, and she said, “Violet, you have full permission to-” 

“No, no, we’ve solved this, but thank you, I will hold onto that permission.” Violet said. 

“He’s going to help us, I think.” Klaus said, running over with Solitude still in his arms. “Is Nick okay?” 

“No, we have-” Lilac paused. “Fiona?” 

Fiona had frozen, her eyes locked with the Hook-Handed Man. They stared at each other for a very long time, and then Fiona shouted, _ “Fernald?” _

“Fiona?” 

Fiona let go of Nick, rushing forwards, and Klaus managed to grab his brother’s other arm before she threw her arms around the henchperson, shouting, “Fernald! Fernald, you’re alive!” 

“Fiona? What are you doing here?” 

“They captured the _ Queequeg!” _

“Yes, but the Count said Widdershins wasn’t on it.” 

“I was!” 

“Well, he didn’t _ say that!” _

The Baudelaires looked to each other in shock, and then Violet said, “Hi! Hello! What the _ fuck?” _

Fiona and the Hook-Handed Man jumped, as if suddenly realizing that the others were in the room. The mycologist turned and said, “It’s my brother! Fernald!” 

Lilac gaped at her, and then said, “Your brother is working for Count Olaf!” 

Fiona paused. “Oh, yeah. Fernald, what the fuck?” 

“Long story.” he said. 

“Why did you leave?” she let go of him a second, staring up at him. “What happened to your hands?” 

“What? Did Widdershins never tell you?” 

“He said you disappeared after Mother died.” 

“Son of a bitch, of course he did. He never could admit-” Fernald sighed. 

“Admit _ what?” _ Lilac snapped, straightening up. When she realized that Nick seemed to be alright supporting himself, she let go of him and walked forwards, pulling the newspaper scrap from the cave out of her pocket. “We found _ this _ in Anwhistle Aquatics! Do you know what it says?” 

Fernald gave the scrap a dark look. “I definitely do.” 

“It says that you _ burned _ Anwhistle Aquatics!” Lilac said. “It’s called ‘Verifying Fernald’s Defection’ for heaven’s sake! You set the place on fire and murdered Gregor Anwhistle!” 

Fiona looked to her brother in shock, while Sunny slid off the bench and ran over to Violet, holding up her arms so her sister could lift her. 

Fernald simply looked at Lilac carefully, and then said, “You should know by now, Baudelaires, that newspapers are not always reliable. I won’t say I didn’t participate in that fire, but you should know it’s not as black-and-white as you’re making it.” 

“Someone _ died!” _ Lilac said. “And you burned a research facility!” 

“A facility that created the Medusoid Mycelium that poisoned your sister.” Fernald gestured to Soli, who was still coughing. “They were going to send it all over the world. Do you know how many people that would have killed?” 

“They wouldn’t have done that.” Klaus said. “The Aquatics was on the right side of the schism.” 

Nick shivered, and Fernald said, “There is no right side of the schism.” 

“So you set a building on fire and murdered someone.” Lilac said. 

“You should have seen the fire.” he said quietly. “From a distance, it looked like an enormous black plume of smoke, rising straight out of the water. It was like the entire sea was burning down.” 

“You must have been proud of your handiwork.” Fiona said bitterly. 

“Proud?” Fernald said. “It was the worst day of my life. That plume of smoke was the saddest thing I ever saw.” He sighed, and said, “Something you children should understand is that the world isn’t divided into good and evil. Just as the poison of a deadly fungus can be the source of some wonderful medicines, someone like Jacques Snicket, who wrote that blasted article, can do something villainous, and someone like Count Olaf can do something noble. Even your parents-” 

“Fernald, please.” Fiona said, staring at him. “Answer directly. Did you kill Gregor Anwhistle?” 

Fernald gave her a look, and then said, “The last time you saw me, Fiona, I had two hands instead of hooks. Our stepfather probably didn’t tell you what happened to me- he always said there were secrets in the world too terrible for young people to know. What a fool!” 

“He’s…” Fiona glanced at the ground. “He’s a noble man.” 

“People aren’t either wicked or noble.” Fernald said. “They’re like chef’s salads, with good things and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict.” 

They were silent for a moment, and then Solitude coughed again, and Lilac straightened up. “Prove it.” 

“What?” 

“Prove it, and get us back to the goddamn submarine.” she said. “Help us save Solitude, and prove you’re not a wicked person.” 

Fernald met her gaze, and then looked to the coughing toddler, and then to Fiona. 

“I will go,” he said, “If you take me with you.” 

They all shared looks; they weren’t sure they could trust him, but it was a better option than just waiting for Soli to die in the brig. 

“Aye!” Sunny shouted, smiling over at him. 

“Of course.” Fiona said. “Of course you can come.” 

“Okay.” Violet said. “But we have to hurry.” 

“That’ll be tricky.” Fernald said. “The only way out is through the rowing room, which Esme will have returned to by now. We’ll have to figure out a way to sneak past.” 

He moved past them, gesturing for them to follow. Klaus still held tightly onto Nick, who looked shell-shocked, and Violet ran to Fiona, saying, “Fiona, are we really taking him with us?” 

“Aye.” Fiona nodded. “He’s my brother. You wouldn’t abandon your siblings, would you?” 

Violet bit her lip, and then looked to Soil and shook her head. 

“For my _ third _ dance, I will twirl around and around while all of you clap as hard as you can! It is a dance of celebration, in honor of the most adorable tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian in the world!” 

The Baudelaires glanced at each other as they heard the recruits groan and Esme slap her noodle whip. 

“Okay,” Fernald said, “You see those stone pillars in the room? If we walk and hide behind those while Camelita sings, everyone will be focused on her and not on us, and we should be able to sneak by.” 

“That sounds risky.” Lilac said, glancing towards Nick and Klaus. 

“Do you have a better plan?” 

“We could pretend the Great Unknown showed up and is about to eat everyone.” Violet said. 

“I’m sorry, do you have a small black statue that can imitate its call?” Fernald said. 

“Why would I-” 

“Then we need to hurry. Come on.” 

The Baudelaires sighed, and Lilac said, “Soli, please try to keep quiet.” In Klaus’s arms, Soli coughed much more quietly. 

The group started to run, ducking behind pillars and occasionally glancing out to make sure everyone was focused on Carmelita, who was twirling and singing at the top of her lungs. 

_ “C _ is for _ cute, A _ is for _ adorablle! R _ is for _ ravishing! M _ is for _ gorgeous!” _

“I want to strangle her so bad.” Klaus whispered to Nick, hoping that would cheer him up, but Nick still had his eyes shut and was clinging to Klaus and Solitude as if they were his only lifeline. Violet and Lilac stuck close to him, with Sunny leaning on Violet’s shoulder, while Fernald and Fiona raced up ahead. 

_ “E _ is for _ excellent! L _ is for _ lovable! I _ is for _ I’m the Best! T _ is for _ talented! _ And _ A _ is for _ a tap-dancing ballerina fairy prin- _hey! Cakesniffers!” 

The Baudelaires froze, but then saw that Carmelita was not pointing at them, but at Fiona and Fernald, who were standing awkwardly between two oars. 

“How dare you, Hooky?” Esme shouted. “You’re interrupting a very In recital by an unspeakably darling little girl!” 

“I’m very sorry, your Esmeness.” the Hook-Handed Man said quickly. “I would sooner lose both hands all over again than interrupt Carmelita when she’s dancing.” 

“Now I have to recite the entire recital all over again!” Carmelita pouted. 

The rowers groaned, and the Baudelaires took the opportunity to move down a pillar, though Lilac was very worriedly watching Fiona. 

“Your Esmeness, I…” Fernald said nervously. “I just was wondering if I could borrow your giant noode to torture the Baudelaires with.” 

“But I need it to make these recruits behave.” Esme said. “Besides, I don’t like to lend things.” 

Fiona quickly stood up straight, and said, “But we’re so close to learning the location of the Sugar Bowl.” 

Esme glanced at her. “Weren’t you with the orphans?” 

“Um, no.” Fernald said, putting a hook around her shoulder. “This is my sister, Fiona, and she’s joining the crew of the _ Carmelita.” _

“Fiona isn’t a very In name.” Esme said. “I think I’ll call her Triangle Eyes. Triangle Eyes, are you willing to join us?” 

“Aye.” Fiona said. 

“Then take my noodle and scram while Carmelita starts her In recital again.” Esme said. 

Just as Fernald and Fiona stepped in front of Esme, the Baudelaires took the opportunity to run as fast as they could. 

“When is Fiona going to join us?” Lilac glanced behind them as she pushed her siblings ahead of her. 

“I don’t know. Who knows how long they’ll have to stall?” Klaus said. 

“We’ll just need to find the antidote on our own.” Violet said. “Come on! Go!” 

They ran down the halls and back to the _ Queequeg, _hurrying through the hatch and sliding down the ladder. As soon as they reached the inside, Violet said, “I have a plan. Everyone hurry to the study to find Fiona’s mycology books, while I get Nick’s sweater to chill him out. Will that help, Nick?” 

Nick shrugged, leaning onto Klaus, who said, “We don’t need all her books. She left the one we need in the main hall.” 

“Then go _ there!” _ Violet said, her voice breaking. “We don’t have much _ time!” _

As soon as they reached the main hall, Klaus put Solitude onto the table to rest while he ran for _ Mushroom Minutiae. _Lilac helped Nick sink into a chair, while Sunny ran towards the sagging VFD balloons and bit into the strings, in case they needed some kind of rope. It wasn’t very helpful, but Sunny wasn’t sure what else to do. 

At that moment, Babbitt hopped in from the kitchen, chirping indignantly, as if pissed that they’d left them out of an adventure. 

“Babbitt, we don’t have time for whatever it is!” Lilac said. “Solitude’s sick, and we need to find the antidote!” 

Babbitt stared at her blankly for a moment, and then let out an incredibly loud squeal and made a running leap onto the table. They ran up to Soli, jumping on her shoulder and making a lot of noises very fast, as if trying to get her to tell them it wasn’t true. Then they let out what sounded like a cry and pressed themselves against her helmet as she kept coughing. 

“Here we go. Chapter Forty, The Gorgonian Grotto.” Klaus flipped to the page, skimming. 

Violet ran in, carrying Nick’s blue sweater in her hands. She handed it to him, and he immediately threw it on over his uniform, hugging himself and rocking back-and-forth. 

_ “A single spore has such grim power / That you may die within the hour.” _ Klaus read. _ “Is dilution simple? But of course! / Just one small dose of root of horse.” _

“Horses don’t have roots!” Lilac said, reaching forwards to hug Solitude very tight. 

“I _ know that!” _Klaus snapped. “Usually antidotes are- are certain botanical extractions, like flower pollen or plant stems.” 

“Wait a minute.” Lilac looked up again. “That letter! That letter-” 

“What letter?” Violet asked. 

“The letter in the grotto!” Lilac said. “The writer, Kit something, she said that there was a factory making dilution-” 

“Yes!” Klaus pulled his commonplace book out, moving back to the table and sitting down to flip through it. “Here! It says that a factory at Lousy Lane-” 

“We traveled along Lousy Lane.” Violet said. 

“Smelled like horseradish.” Sunny nodded. 

They froze. 

“Horseradish!” Lilac leapt to her feet, grabbing Solitude. “Come on, we have to run!” 

They raced to the kitchen, where Lilac placed Soli onto a table again, and Nick sat beside her, clutching her very tight and quietly crying. Babbitt leapt from Soli’s shoulder to his, once again making a lot of very fast noises. 

Each of the other siblings ran to a cupboard; even Sunny, who clambered up onto a counter, managed to dig through. 

“Gum!” Lilac shouted. “There’s nothing in here but boxes of _ gum!” _

“I found two cans of water chestnuts and a bag of sesame seeds!” Klaus started to cry behind his glasses. 

“Here, I’ll check the fridge!” Viole said. “Maybe-” 

She threw open the door, and then froze. 

“Violet? What is it?” Lilac ran over, and Klaus followed quickly. Nick even peered up to look between them and see inside. 

Violet slowly reached onto the bottom shelf, and pulled out a plate, placing it onto the table. On the plate was a coconut cream cake, heavily frosted and with sprinkles spelling out, on the top, _ Violet’s Fifteenth Date. _

“That’s what the balloons were for.” Violet whispered, tears running down her face. 

“Oh my God.” Lilac put a hand over her mouth. 

“We forgot.” Klaus’s voice broke. 

“I turned fifteen last night, while you were all in the grotto, and Nick and I…” Violet whispered. “We all forgot.” 

Then quietly, Sunny said, “Soli didn’t.” They turned to the toddler on the counter, and she said, “Yad,” which meant, _ “She remembered the date and told me, and we were planning a party when everyone returned from the grotto, so we could all celebrate.” _

Violet blinked back tears, and then backed up as fast as she could, sliding against the wall, to the ground. “Wh-what are we going to do?” she cried. “We can’t lose Soli. We can’t lose her!” 

“Sunny!” Lilac turned to the toddler, panic in her eyes. “You know about cooking. What could be used as a substitute for horseradish?” 

Sunny considered, looking very panicked as she slid from the counter and ran to the table, trying to hoist herself up to be with her sister. “Wormwood? Um… Wasabi?” 

Klaus gaped. “Did you say _ wasabi?” _

Sunny nodded quickly, and Klaus opened up his pocket, and pulled out the can of wasabi. “She got this for you in the grotto. I almost forgot.” 

Sunny grabbed the can from him, opening it and cheering when she saw some inside. 

“Get her _ out!” _Lilac said, rushing forwards and grabbing a spoon from the drawer. 

Violet ran to the toddler, and said, “Nick, you have to let her go, just for a moment, I promise.” 

Hesitantly, Nick placed Babbitt onto a spot beside him and then placed the girl onto the table, before wiping his eyes with his sleeves and helping Violet remove Solitude’s helmet. They all held their breath as the helmet came off, and then Violet slammed it onto a metal plate beside them to prevent the spores from spreading through the air. Nick helped Solitude sit up, and then held back a sob. 

Her skin was pale and had a greenish tinge, and her hair was limply hanging around her face, and her eyes were bloodshot and watery. As she opened her mouth to cough, they all let out cries as they saw gray stalks sprouting from her throat. 

She looked an inch from death. 

Lilac put the spoon into the jar of wasabi, taking as much of it as she could, and then she held it out. Solitude leaned forwards, eating it as fast as she dared, flinching at how hot it felt, her eyes watering even more. She shook and slid back so she was against Nick, who put his arms around her and pressed his face onto the top of her head. 

For a moment, it seemed like nothing would happen, and everything was lost. And then Solitude opened her mouth, as if to cough again, but they could see that instead, the mushrooms inside her throat were shrinking back, as if terrified of the wasabi. Her skin started to brighten before their eyes, and she blinked back the last of her tears, running a hand through her hair. Then she held out her tiny palm, and Babbitt leapt onto her, chirping with delight. The frog ran up her arm and onto her shoulder, pressing against her in their version of a hug. 

“W-water.” Solitude muttered, and Violet quickly ran to the sink, making her a glass of water. By the time she returned, Nick was hugging her to his chest as if he never intended to let go; he did, however, loosen a little when Violet held out the glass, and Solitude chugged the drink. 

“Th-thank you.” she stumbled, turning first to Sunny, and then the rest of her siblings in turn. “You saved me.” 

“You saved yourself.” Lilac said, kneeling in front of her. “We wouldn’t have had that wasabi if you hadn’t been thinking of Sunny.” 

“Sunny knew.” Solitude said, as Sunny gave her a hug. “You broke out of the submarine. You all saved me.” 

“But you helped yourself, too.” Klaus said. “We all saved each other.” 

Nick embraced Solitude and Sunny, and then Violet ran forwards and hugged them, too. Klaus and Lilac joined in, then, and soon they were all hugging and sobbing in the middle of the kitchen. 


	21. in which Fiona is Volatile

**CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE**

_ in which Fiona is Volatile _

Solitude fell asleep in Nick’s arms, while Babbitt crawled into her pocket. Nick made his way into the main hall, where he slid into a chair and held her tight, rocking her gently. 

“I’m sorry.” he said quietly. “I can’t… I can’t do anything.” 

“That’s not true.” Lilac knelt in front of him, as his other siblings surrounded him, putting their hands on his arm in a comforting gesture. “Nick, it’s okay to not be able to do everything all the time. We understand why you were scared, okay?” 

“You don’t need to be the hero, Nick.” Violet said, giving him a side-hug. “You just need to stay with us.” 

Nick bit his lip, squeezing his eyes shut, and then he nodded and leaned his head onto Klaus. “We love you, okay?” Klaus said. “And we’re not letting the bastard touch you ever again.” 

“We just… we need to go. Soon as Fiona gets here.” Nick said. “And then we need to run. Far away. Please.” 

“We-” Lilac paused. “Does anyone hear that?” 

They listened, and heard what sounded like a printer. 

“Is…” Violet narrowed her eyes, and then she gasped. “Is that the Volunteer Factual Dispatch?” 

She and Lilac ran to the telegraph, and saw that, indeed, a paper was coming out of it. Violet grabbed it first, saying, “It’s from VFD! It’s- it’s-” her gaze softened, and she burst into a grin. “It’s from Quigley!” 

“What?” Lilac said, shocked. 

“It’s from Quigley!” Violet bounced, running back over to her siblings to show them. Even Nick brightened when he saw she was right- his name was beside the phrase  _ sender.  _

Violet traced the  _ Q _ in his name, smiling, and then said, “It is my understanding that you have six additional volunteers onboard STOP. We are in desperate need of their services for the most urgent matter STOP. Please deliver them on Tuesday to the location indicated by the rhymes below STOP.” 

“What rhymes?” Lilac asked, trying to grab the paper. 

“Two poems, one by Lewis Carroll and the other by TS Eliot.” 

“I-” Nick stuttered. “I know TS Eliot.” 

“Macavity,” Sunny said, which meant,  _ “Wasn’t that from your musical phase?”  _

“Not the time, Sunshine.” Nick said, curling up. 

“I know  _ Alice in Wonderland  _ and  _ Through the Looking Glass.”  _ Klaus said. “Is the poem from one of those?” 

“I think so.” Violet nodded, also remembering the book. “Here’s what it says:” 

_ “‘O Oysters, come and walk with us!’ _

_ The walrus did beseech.  _

_ ‘A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk, _

_ Along the movie theater.’”  _

“A movie theater?” Nick said. 

“No.” Klaus shook his head. “Quigley’s using Verse Fluctuation Declaration.” 

“Using fucking what?” Violet said. 

“It’s a Volunteer code.” Klaus said. “They replace words in poems, like Aunt Josephine did with letters, and the actual words are the message.” 

“Liddell?” Sunny asked, which meant,  _ “Then what’s the original poem?”  _

_ “A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,”  _ Klaus recited.  _ “Along the…”  _ He paused. 

“Along?” Violet prompted. 

“Along…” Klaus swallowed. “Along the Briny Beach.” 

They fell silent. 

“We’re going to Briny Beach.” Lilac said quietly. 

The last time they had been there was when their unfortunate events had began. 

“What about the TS Eliot?” Klaus asked, sitting down numbly. 

Violet’s hands shook as she held up the telegram, and read, 

_ “At the pink hour when the eyes and back _

_ Turn upward from the desk, when the human engine waits _

_ Like a pony throbbing party.”  _

Nick narrowed his eyes and sat up, still rocking the sleeping Solitude. “He changed three words. The actual poem begins with ‘At the violet hour’ instead of ‘at the pink hour.’ Do you think that actually signals something, or-” 

“Maybe,” Violet smiled softly, sitting at the table beside them, “Quigley just wanted to say my name.” 

“We can talk about that later.” Lilac said uncomfortably. “What’s the rest of the message?” 

“The last line,” Nick said, “Is ‘Like a taxi throbbing waiting.’ The message is, ‘taxi waiting.’” 

“Taxi waiting at Briny Beach.” Lilac said. 

“Well,” Violet said, curling up. “We’re lucky you all knew poetry. I can’t imagine Fiona or Phil were big studiers of Carroll or Eliot.” 

“Fernald used to study poetry.” Lilac said. “So maybe Widdershins has those poetry books hidden somewhere. He would’ve been able to find out.” 

“He kept them secret.” Nick hissed. “Like everything else.” 

They fell silent, and then Klaus said, “Do you guys remember when Violet and I left the window open in the library and ruined the atlas, and Mother and Father got mad?” 

“Yeah.” Violet nodded, as Sunny moved to sit against her. 

“I… I don’t think that was the only reason they were mad.” Klaus admitted. “I never told you this, but… I had to use a stepladder to get that atlas from the top shelf. I don’t think Mother and Father thought I’d be able to reach. That’s where they kept the books they didn’t want us to see.” 

“Why wouldn’t they want us to see the atlas?” Violet asked. 

“There must’ve been a code inside.” Nick said. 

“There was a whole row of other books, too.” Klaus said. “I don’t remember what they were, because they moved them later, but they must’ve been mad that I reached the atlas and could’ve discovered a secret.” 

“Like a secret that they were working for-” Nick got choked up, and he buried his face in Soli’s hair again. 

They fell silent again, and then Lilac said, “I know how to use the ship’s steering mechanism. I can use the locator to take us to Briny Beach as soon as Fiona returns.” 

“Are…” Violet bit her lip. “Are we sure she’s coming back?” 

“Of course.” Lilac said. “She-” 

“She  _ what,  _ my dear Lilac?” 

The Baudelaires jumped, and Nick instantly backed up in the chair, curling up around Solitude to shield her with his body, while Violet shoved Sunny into Klaus’s arms and leapt in front of the table with Lilac, blocking their younger siblings from view. 

Count Olaf stepped into the room, followed by Esme, who was sneering beneath the hood of her octopus outfit, and Carmelita, who bounced along and clanged her tap shoes. 

“When I saw you orphans had flown the coop,” Olaf said, stepping forwards, “I was afraid you might have managed to do something useful and get out.” 

“Get away from us.” Lilac said. 

Violet reached into her pocket, and to Lilac’s surprise, she pulled out a knife. “I  _ will _ use this.” 

“Okay,” Lilac muttered, “Where did you get that?” 

“Kitchen.” 

“How long-” 

“Just now.” 

“Oh, shut up!” Olaf groaned. “You’re all as annoying as-” 

“As annoying as what?” Carmelita asked. 

Olaf took a deep breath. “It’s nothing. Although I can’t quite figure out how you escaped. You must’ve been lost in that submarine-” 

At exactly the wrong moment, Fiona and Fernald ran down the hall; Fiona now had a portrait of Edgar Guest where her portrait of Herman Melville should be, but otherwise she didn’t look harmed. But when the two siblings saw Olaf, Esme and Carmelita in the room, they froze dead in their tracks, and Fiona’s face fell. 

“Shit.” Fernald said. 

Olaf narrowed his eyes, and before the Baudelaires could do anything, he raced forwards and slammed the Hook-Handed Man against the wall. 

“No!” Fiona shouted, but Esme reached a tentacle forwards and ripped her back. 

“Let him go or I’ll stab you!” Violet shouted, but Carmelita danced in front of her, blocking her path with her twirls. Violet growled, considering whether or not it’d be unethical to stab her, too. 

“You betrayed me!” Olaf shouted with fury. “And our side of the schism has no use for traitors!” 

“Ooh! When he’s dead, can we use the hooks for the costume trunk?” Esme asked. “They’ve become In recently.” 

“No! Stop it!” Fiona lurched forwards, finally breaking Esme’s grip. “He didn’t betray you! We only let the Baudelaires go so they could lead us to the Medusoid Mycelium!” 

“Fiona!” Lilac screamed. 

“No!” Klaus shouted. 

Olaf released the Hook-Handed Man, who gasped and struggled to stay standing, and stared over at Fiona. “The Medusoid Mycelium? That was destroyed years ago.” 

“It wasn’t! We have some in Solitude’s diving helmet!” Fiona said, crying and reaching to help her brother to his feet. “Baudelaires, where is it?” 

“It’s- nowhere!” Violet tried. 

“I’ll make this simple.” Olaf smiled. “I could torture you until you tell me, or we can trade information- or a  _ lack _ of information, if you so prefer.” Then, in a sickly sweet voice, he called, “Nick?” 

Violet, Lilac and Klaus all stepped in front of Nick, while Sunny bared her teeth. Nick looked up, horrified, but he clutched the sleeping Soli all the tighter. 

“How about a deal here?” Olaf stepped forwards, putting his hand on the table, much too close for any of the childrens’ comfort, but still just outside of Violet’s stabbing range; if she ran at him, he would see and disarm her. 

“We don’t make deals with bastards.” Lilac crossed her arms. 

Olaf smirked, eyeing her in a way that made her incredibly uncomfortable. “Interesting choice of words, my dear Lilac.” 

Nick sat up, horrified, as Olaf took a step closer to his oldest sister, and then he shouted, “It’s in the kitchen!” 

“Nick!” Sunny said. 

“It’s in the kitchen, just leave her alone,  _ please! Don’t hurt them!”  _ Nick pleaded. 

Olaf smiled, and then gestured his head. “Esme, go check.” 

“Why do  _ I  _ have to go check? Why can’t you?” 

“Because I’m intimidating the Baudelaires, love.” 

“I can do that, and I can do it better than you.” 

“Ugh, stop arguing, you’re starting to sound like my real parents.” Carmelita groaned, before tapping into a room. “Is this the kitchen? It has food and shit.” 

Olaf groaned. “Does it have a  _ diving helmet?”  _

“A small one, on a plate. It is  _ totally  _ not adorable, never make me wear one of these.” She came back in, carrying the helmet on a plate, and the Baudelaires backed up more. The noise woke Solitude, who rubbed her eyes and yawned, looking up. 

“The Medusoid Mycelium.” Olaf looked inside the helmet. “It’s here.” 

“It is.” said Fernalld with a gasp, sounding very scared. 

Solitude saw Olaf, and then said, “Oh, fuck.” 

“They really found that horrible mushroom?” Esme looked enthralled. “Oh, good job, Hooky and Triangle Eyes!” 

Fiona stared hard at the ground so she wouldn’t have to look at Lilac. 

“Oh, I know!” Esme continued. “We should throw them in the brig with it and wait until they suffocate!” 

“Then I can do a recital on their graves!” Carmelita gigged. 

“No!” Fiona shouted, running forwards. “No, you- you shouldn’t waste such a weapon on them. You’ll need it for the Last Safe Place!” 

“Fiona-” Lilac began, her face paling. 

“That’s right! Good idea, Triangle-Eyes.” Olaf said. 

“How come you think her idea’s better than mine?” Esme asked, offended. 

“It doesn’t matter.” Olaf groaned. “Come along. Triangle-Eyes, take them to the brig.” 

“I…” Fiona began. 

“Why don’t you hurry it up,” Olaf said with a dark grin, “And then we’ll go find your Stepfather? Your whole family can be together again.” 

“Boss-” Fernald began, but Olaf shot him a dark look that shut him up. 

Fiona turned towards him, eyes full of hope. “You’d really help me find him?” 

“He won’t help you.” Nick shuddered. 

“He’s lying, Widdershins and Olaf are on opposite sides of the schism.” Violet said. 

“Maybe not. He did abandon you, after all.” Esme said. 

“Don’t listen to them, Triangle-Eyes.” Olaf said. “They only care about themselves.” 

“That’s not true!” Lilac said. 

“Really?” Olaf smirked. “I thought you Baudelaires always put your siblings first.” 

“We…” Lilac began, but her face fell as Fiona reached over to grab her brother’s hooks. 

“To the brig.” Fiona said blankly. 

“Good choice, Triangle-Eyes.” Olaf said, “Now, we’ll remove all the valuables-” 

“But  _ Countie, _ my recital’s starting soon!” Carmelita tugged on his arm. “You won’t miss it, will you?” 

Olaf forced a smile on his face. “Carmelita, sweetie, Countie needs to rob the  _ Queequeg _ and torture the Baudelaires.” 

“You like the Baudelaires more than me!” Carmelita pouted. 

_ “Darling,”  _ Esme hissed, “We can rob the sub later. Carmelita’s been practicing all day for this recital.” 

“It’s the  _ same recital as always.”  _

“No! This one’s more adorable!” Carmelita said. 

Sunny sighed and said, “Cruciatu,” which meant,  _ “Can they kill us now?”  _

Fernald gave her a look and shook his head, and then Olaf said,  _ “Fine.  _ Hooky, smash some windows so they can’t escape this sub. Triangle-Eyes, get the Baudelaires to the brig, and for the love of  _ God _ take that knife away from Violet.” 

“No, it’s mine forever.” Violet said. 

Olaf put his head in his hands. “Why did I decide to work with children?” 

“Because you suck?” Klaus suggested. 

“Esme, lead the way to our…” Olaf grimaced,  _ “wonderful  _ Carmelita’s recital.” 

Carmelita tapped away, spinning and twirling, followed by a delighted Esme. After a moment, Fernald gave Fiona a significant look and then scampered after them. 

Olaf turned to the Baudelaires, and smiled. “You’ve lost again, you horrible brats.” he said, cheering himself up by tormenting the Baudelaires. “You can never defeat me, and it’s time you  _ all _ learned that. I triumphed the moment you lost your family.” 

Violet straightened up and threw the knife, which Olaf unfortunately dodged. She glared at him, and then spat, “We didn’t lose our family. Only our parents.” 

Klaus linked his arm with Violet’s as Sunny reached to grab Lilac, the four of them still shielding Nick and Solitude. “Our family’s right here.” he said. 

Olaf glared at them, and then said, “You will lose  _ everything.”  _ He then turned to Fiona and said, “Triangle-Eyes, make sure they’re in separate cells. No more jailbreaks. We’ll take care of them one at a time.” He gave Nick a smirk, which made the boy curl up over Solitude again. Olaf then walked to the wall, grabbed Violet’s knife, and left. 

As soon as he was gone, Fiona whipped around. “Can you pilot a submarine?” she asked. 

They stared at her, confused. “What?” Klaus said. 

“Can you pilot the sub?” 

“Y-yes.” said a shocked Lilac. 

“Good. I know how to open the hatch to let you out.” Fiona said. “Soon as I do that, you’ll have to go fast. Carmelita’s recitals likely feel like they last forever, but they don’t, and soon Olaf will notice-” 

“You’re not taking us to the brig?” Violet asked. 

Fiona shook her head. “I’m not letting him hurt you. Fernald and I discussed this while I was getting my portrait swapped out, in case we got caught, we can just pretend you’ve escaped while we weren’t looking.” 

“Fiona, you don’t have to go with them!” Lilac said.

“I’ll be fine. If we get caught, we have a potential escape plan that involves a seaside town, a train, and a vineyard.” Fiona said. “And releasing a bunch of wild new recruits to perform chaos.” 

“But you’re still  _ joining _ them!” Lilac reached forwards, desperately grabbing her hands. “You’re helping them! You don’t have to do this!” 

“I do! My brother is here!” Fiona said. “He’s the only family I have  _ left! _ You wouldn’t leave your siblings, and I can’t leave mine.” 

“Fi…” Sunny began. 

“Fiona, you can stay with us.” Solitude said, sitting up. 

“You can run from VFD altogether.” Nick said, his voice shaking. “From all these assholes.” 

“Please.” Lilac squeezed her hands. “You’re not a wicked person.” 

Fiona smiled, and then said, “People aren’t either wicked or noble, Li. They’re chef’s salads.” She squeezed her hands and whispered, “Take care of the  _ Queequeg.  _ It’s shit, but it’s home. And… when you think of me, think of a food you love very much.” 

She leaned forwards, putting her hand on Lilac’s cheek, and kissed her. 

Lilac froze in shock as Fiona’s hands passed over her braids, fingers running through her hair. She shut her eyes a moment, feeling the wonderful, volatile girl pressing against her. 

And then Fiona pulled away and ran. 

Lilac stared after her, and then raised a hand to her hair, her fingers following the same path Fiona’s had. 

“How… how can someone so wonderful do something so horrible?” she asked, her voice breaking. 

Violet stepped forwards, and then put a hand on her arm. “She let us go.” she said. “Now. We have to run.” 

Lilac took a deep breath, wiped her eyes with her sleeve, and then said, “Aye.”

As she moved slowly towards the controls, Violet at her heels, Nick curled up on his chair, and he whispered to himself,  _ “But they were fucked up in their turn, by fools in old-style hats and coats… who half the time were soppy-stern…”  _

He hugged Solitude very close, shutting his eyes and trying not to think about everyone who had left.  _ “And half at one another’s throats.”  _

It took several hours to reach Briny Beach. Nick kept rocking Solitude, who fell back to sleep, while Babbitt crawled to her shoulder to nap there. Sunny served up Violet’s cake, handing out plates to Violet and Lilac whenever they came down to check on them. Klaus was going through the  _ Queequeg’s  _ library, trying to find something that might be helpful. 

Lilac finally descended after a while, still looking a bit shocked. “Um,” she said, drawing everyone’s attention, and after Nick shook Soli slightly to awaken her, she said, “We’ve reached the beach.” 

“We have?” Violet asked, her eyes sad. 

Lilac nodded, and after a moment, Nick said, “Listen. VFD’s waiting for us. I…” 

Everyone looked at each other, and then Klaus put a hand on his shoulder, and Violet said, “We know, Nick. And… we won’t trust them. But Quigley could be there. Or someone who can actually help.” 

“I just…” he shut his eyes. “Okay. Let’s see the beach.” 

Lilac nodded and led them through the hallways, which seemed so echoey and dark now. They climbed up the ladder in silence, and out the hatch, and onto the sand. 

Briny Beach looked exactly the same. Like not a single minute had gone by since the Baudelaires arrived on the beach to have a picnic and test Violet’s new invention. The tide pools were still there, the waves still crashed the same way, the sky was still gray, and… 

Violet bent down, placing Sunny on the ground, and picked up a rock, marked with an X. 

“Nothing’s changed.” she said finally. 

“We’ve changed.” Solitude said, leaning onto Nick’s shoulder. 

Klaus slid a hand into Nick’s, and said, “Did you guys ever miss the beach? Because… honestly, I feel worse being here.” 

“I…” Violet shut her eyes, blocking tears. 

“I want to go.” Nick whispered, eyes on the ground. 

Lilac stepped forwards, looking around. “I… I can’t believe…” then she looked up and said, “Our taxi’s here.” 

Up on the hill, on the road just off the beach, was a yellow taxi, waiting. 

Before anyone could say anything else, Sunny looked up and said, “Gack.” 

They turned, and heard a familiar coughing as a figure emerged from the fog. 

“Baudelaires?” 

“Mr Poe.” Lilac said coldly. 

The Baudelaires all stood, facing him, and Nick put Solitude down, though he still gripped her hand. Babbitt leapt to her shoulder again, cocking their head at the banker. 

“Baudelaires, what ever have you been doing?” Poe said, stepping forwards. 

“What are  _ you _ doing here?” Violet said. 

“Why, I received a message saying that you’d be here at Briny Beach today.” Poe said, pulling a telegram from his pocket. “From some JS. But that’s not important. How in the world did you get here? Where have you been? I must admit, I had given up all hope of finding you again- egad! Where on earth did you find Nicholas?” 

“It’s Nick.” Nick spat, staring the banker dead in the eye. “My name is  _ Nick,  _ it never was Nicholas, and you need to learn that, you stupid fuck.” 

“Language, Nicholas.” Poe said. “Come along, children, you have a great deal of explaining to do.” 

The Baudelaires looked to each other, and then Lilac said, “No.” 

“No?” Poe said in amazement. “Of course you do! You’ve been missing for a very long time, children! It was very inconsiderate of you to run away without telling me where you were, particularly when you’ve been accused of murder, arson, kidnapping, and assorted misdemeanors!” 

“We sent you a telegram.” Violet said. 

“We’re going to get right in my car, and I’ll drive you to the police station, and-” 

“No.” said Nick. 

“No.” said Klaus. 

“No.” said Solitude. 

“No.” said Sunny. 

“Mr Poe,” Klaus said, looking from the taxi to Poe, “Have you ever heard of a Hobson’s choice?” 

“I don’t know what gibberish you’re saying,” Poe said, “Or where you’ve been, or how you got here, or why you’re wearing a picture of Santa Claus on your shirts, but-’ 

“It’s Herman Melville.” Klaus said. “Goodbye, Mr Poe.” 

“Piss off.” Solitude said, cheerily flipping him off. 

“Sayonara.” Sunny said. 

And with that, the six orphans spun on their heels, and ran to the taxi. 

“Wait!” they heard him calling after them. “Come back here, Baudelaires! You’re children! You’re youngsters! You’re orphans!” 

“And you’re a piece of shit, you fuckhead!” Nick called, also flipping him off as they ran. 

They raced to the taxi, and Violet managed to get ahead, calling, “Quigley? Quigley! Quigley!” 

When she reached the car, she threw open the door, and then froze in astonishment. 

“You’re not Quigley.” she said. 

In the driver’s seat, a woman looked up, pushing a pencil into her hair with a white-gloved hand. She placed a commonplace book on the shotgun seat, and smiled at the six children, who slid to a stop upon seeing her. 

“Hello, Baudelaires.” she said. “Climb aboard.” 

The children looked at each other cautiously, and then at the beach. 

Then, Lilac asked, “Who are you?” 

The woman smiled at Lilac, as if she’d asked the right question. 

“I’m Kit Snicket.” 


	22. in which Kit cannot drive

**CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO**

_ in which Kit cannot drive _

“Hey, Kitkat?” Nick said, glancing out the window. “That was a stop sign.” 

“Don’t worry about that.” 

Kit was driving very fast down the roads of the city; all of the Baudelaires had managed to squeeze into the backseat, with Solitude sitting on Nick’s lap and Sunny on Lilac’s. 

“Why are we going so fast?” Lilac asked, gripping tight onto Sunny in order to function as a human seatbelt. 

“Oh, we’re being followed.” Kit said. 

“What?” Violet looked out the back window, indeed seeing another taxi, not too far from them. 

“We’ll be fine. Probably.” Kit waved her hand. “Now, I’m sure you have thousands of questions-” 

“Like why we’re being chased?” Klaus asked. 

“Yeah, like that. And I wish we had more time to talk, but it’s already Tuesday. As it is, you scarcely have time to eat your important brunch before getting into your concierge disguises and beginning your observations as flaneurs.” 

“Concierge?” Lilac asked. 

“Flaneurs?” Klaus asked. 

“Brunch?” Sunny asked. 

“The fuck?” Nick asked. 

Kit laughed slightly as she turned a sharp bend. “A great man once said,” she said, “That right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant. Do you know what that means?” 

Nick sighed. “It means we’re still in deep shit.” 

Klaus gave him a look, and then said, “He thinks that good people are more powerful than evil, even if evil people appear to be winning.” 

“Good job, Klaus.” Kit nodded at him, not looking at the road. “Certainly this applies to our current situation. As you know, our organization split apart some time ago, with much bitterness on both sides.” 

“Schism!” Solitude identified. 

“Yes.” Kit nodded and sighed. “I’m told that VFD was once a united group of volunteers, trying to extinguish fires- both literally and figuratively. But now there are two groups of bitter enemies. Some of us continue to extinguish fires, but others have… turned to much less noble schemes.” 

“Olaf.” Sunny spat. 

Kit hesitated, and then said, “Count Olaf is one of our enemies, but there are many, many more who are equally wicked, if not more so. If I’m not mistaken, you met two of them in the mountains. There are plenty more. A long time ago, you could spot members of VFD by the tattoos on their ankles. But now there are so many wicked people it is impossible to keep track of all our enemies- and all the while they are keeping track of us. Speaking of which-” 

She took another sudden turn, and Lilac instinctively grabbed onto Klaus, who was next to her, and pulled him in closer. He let out a cry of protest that she didn’t care to listen to. 

Violet peered behind them and said, “How do you know there are enemies in that taxi?” 

“A taxi will pick up anyone who signals for one.” Kit shrugged. “There are countless wicked people in the world, so it follows that sooner or later a taxi will pick up a wicked person.” 

“Or a noble one.” Klaus said. “Our parents told us that once they took a taxi to the opera when their car wouldn’t start.” 

Kit smiled slightly. “I remember that night. It was a performance of  _ La Forza del Destino.  _ Your mother was wearing a red shawl, with long feathers along the edges. During intermission, I followed them to the snack bar and slipped them a box of poison darts before Esme Squalor could catch me. It was difficult, but as one of my comrades likes to say, ‘To be daunted by no difficulty; to keep heart when all have lost it; to go through intrigue potless; to forgo even ambition when the end is gained- who can say this is not greatness?’ And speaking of greatness, please hold on, we can’t allow an enemy to follow us to brunch.” 

Kit swerved again and Nick, who already looked nervous, let out a loud cry. 

_ “Sorry _ about the rush, Nick!” Kit called, taking another turn. “And sorry about the cramped space! We’ll be out soon- hold on!” 

She jolted the wheel, and the Baudelaires suddenly felt as though they were spinning- shit, they might have bin. The car turned sharply and rocketed off the road, hitting some hedges by the side of the path. The Baudelaires shouted as they burst through the shrubbery, with Lilac and Nick clinging tight to their baby sisters, and Violet and Klaus very thankful they’d worn seatbelts. Branches hit the car window, and they felt dirt and roots pulling at the car from the side. 

Then, just as soon as it had started, it stopped. The taxi veered into a green lawn, and Kit sighed and placed her head against the steering wheel. “I probably shouldn’t do that in my condition.” 

“Condition?” Solitude asked, as a very disoriented Babbitt peered out from her pocket. 

“Are you sick?” Klaus asked. 

Kit sighed and turned to face them, giving them a careful look. “I’m distraught.” she said. And then she sighed and opened the door. “That’s my condition. I’m distraught, and I’m pregnant.” 

She stepped out of the car, and the Baudelaires saw, as she did, that her stomach did indeed have a definite curve. 

“Well.” Nick said. 

“Gather all your things, Baudelaires,” Kit said, “And if you don’t mind, I’m going to ask you to carry my things, too- just some books and papers in the front seat. One should never leave any belongings in a taxi, because you can never be sure if you’ll see them again. Please be quick about it. Our enemies are likely to turn their taxi around and find us.” 

She turned away, then, and began to walk down the sloping lawn. 

“So,” Nick said, kicking his feet and glancing down at Soli, “Are we in agreement that we are ‘fucked’, a word which here means, ‘holy shit’?” 

“I have… so many questions.” Violet said, slowly shaking her head. 

“I think we all do.” Lilac said. 

“Do we trust Kit?” Solitude asked, looking after the disappearing woman. 

They looked to each other, thinking hard. “Well,” Lilac finally said, “In the few minutes we’ve known her, Kit Snicket has broken at least nine safety laws, driven into a hedge, and seems intent on recruiting us to spy for a secret organization. 

“I like her.” Violet decided. 

“Me, too.” Klaus added. 

“Same!” Sunny said. 

Nick gave them all looks. “You guys know…” his voice broke a little, and he shut his eyes and tried to remain focused. “You know VFD isn’t…” 

Violet and Solitude each put a hand over his. “We know.” Violet said. “We know you don’t trust them. But where else can we go?” 

“Besides, if they can help us kill Olaf,” Klaus said, “I’ll ally with literally anyone.” 

“That’s a dangerous statement.” Lilac hesitantly told him. 

“Well…” Klaus glanced to the ground. “I think we deserve to be a little volatile right now.” 

Nick whimpered slightly, pulling down his sweater sleeves, and then Violet said, “Besides. She knew about  _ La Forza del Destino.  _ Remember when we found the poster for that?” 

“Mother said she purchased it during intermission.” Lilac said. “She said it was the most interesting time she’d ever had at the opera, and she never wanted to forget it.” 

“I’m sure it was interesting.” Nick muttered, curling up a little. Then he said, “I don’t trust her. But I’ll go with you.” 

“And we’ll protect you.” Solitude promised. 

“We’ll protect each other.” Lilac said. 

Then, slowly, they grabbed everything out of the taxi, and followed Kit across the lawn. 

“Oh, what the fuck.” Nick muttered. 

Up ahead of them, they saw a huge hotel, towering above them, behind a large reflecting pool big enough that it looked like the hotel itself was on the ground. The sign, though, was spelled backwards on the actual building, several stories high, so it could be read perfectly well reflected in the pool. 

“Hotel Denouement.” Sunny said. 

“Over here, Baudelaires!” Kit called, waving from a blanket that had been laid out on the lawn, heaped with food. 

“Oh, hell yeah.” Violet sighed; they hadn’t seen that much food in what felt like forever. 

“Picnic!” Sunny cheered. 

“Sit down, sit down!” Kit called, as they moved over, glancing over the food. “Help yourselves to anything you’d like.” 

“Who got us this food?” Nick asked suspiciously. 

“One of our associates laid it out for us.” Kit said. “It’s a policy of our organization that all picnics travel separately from the volunteers. If our enemies capture the picnic, they won’t get their clutches on us, and if our enemies capture us, they won’t get thet picnic. That’s something to remember during the next couple of days, as you participate in what one of our enemies calls the ‘perpetual struggle for room and food.’ Please try the marmalade.” 

The Baudelaires sat, feeling a bit dizzy. Violet pulled out her ribbon to tie her hair back, and Lilac started to do the same, trying to drag her long ribbon from her pocket, but before she could, Kit smiled very softly and produced one of her own. She moved behind Lilac, tying back her hair for her. 

“You look just like your father.” Kit sighed, not noticing the flinch Nick made as he reached for some food to pass to Soli. “He wore the same frown whenever he was confused, although he almost never tied his hair up in a ribbon when he solved a problem.” 

“Really?” Lilac asked, smiling a little. She’d never told that she looked like her parents. 

“Hey, Kitkat?” Nick interrupted, glancing over. “None of this is poisoned, right?” 

“If it is, I have common antidotes in my bag.” Kit assured him. 

“Are you sure?” 

Kit smiled and moved over again, putting a comforting hand on Nick’s shoulder. He flinched back, but not a whole lot. “I’m sorry about what happened to you, Nick. But I promise, at the very least, this meal is safe. You can relax for a few moments.” 

“I…” Nick hesitated, glancing to his siblings. Slowly, Violet scooted next to him and Solitude crawled onto his lap, already eating a pastry, and then he nodded. Kit moved back to her seat, smiling as she saw Klaus writing something in his commonplace book. 

The Baudelaires slowly started grabbing food, and aside from Solitude and Sunny, who stopped every now and again to toss crumbs to Babbitt, who leapt and did trick for their amusement, they were surprised at how fast they ate, and how relieved they were to finally have a decent source of food. 

“Children, have you ever been to the Hotel Denouement?” Kit asked, spreading out some cups. 

“No.” Violet said. 

“Once, our parents took us to the Hotel Preludio for the weekend.” Lilac remembered. 

“Carrots for breakfast!” Sunny grinned. 

“Well, that is a lovely place.” Kit said. “But the Hotel Denouement is very special. For years, it’s been a place where our volunteers can gather to exchange information, discuss plans to defeat our enemies, and return books we’ve borrowed from one another. Before the schism, there were countless places that served such purposes. Bookstores and banks, restaurants and stationary stores, cafes and laundromats, opium dens and geodesic domes-” 

“I’m sorry, wait, go back.” Nick said, a small smile flickering across his face. “Did you say you guys met in  _ opium dens?”  _

“Nick!” Lilac groaned, as Violet burst into laughter. 

Solitude and Sunny looked from him to a mortified Klaus, very confused. “What’s opium?” Solitude asked. 

Nick’s face fell. “Oh, I fucked up.” 

Kit laughed there, too. “Nick,” she said, “You remind me  _ so _ much of your mother. One time she did something similar, accidentally got us into a very awkward conversation with Hector and Miranda.” 

Nick’s put his hand over his mother’s necklace, and he glanced down at the cups Kit was setting out. “Mom showed me how to win that cup guessing game.” he said quietly. “When you put something under the cup and mix them up. The trick is to keep your eyes on the first cup and not pay attention to the shuffling.” 

“Eyes on the prize.” Kit nodded. “Jacques taught that to your mother.” 

The Baudelaires looked a bit guilty. “We’re sorry about Jacques.” Violet said. 

“So am I.” Kit sighed. “But I wasn’t surprised. Many noble people have fallen in the last year. Our organization has been shattering ever since I was four years old, and it’s as if the word has shattered, too. One by one, our safe places have been destroyed. When the mountain headquarters was destroyed, only the Hotel Denouement was left. If we’re not careful, every place of nobility and integrity will vanish completely.” 

Violet and Nick shared a quiet look, one that their siblings didn’t quite understand, but the two of them read perfectly. “Are you sure?” Violet asked carefully. “Maybe VFD has other headquarters. Or… maybe there’s other noble people. Outside of the Volunteers.” 

“That would be nice.” Kit sighed. “But we have… well, let’s say we have a meeting here.” 

“On Thursday.” Lilac said. 

“We found a message addressed to JS.” Klaus said. “We assumed it was Jacques, but…” 

“Yes. That’s why I need your help.” Kit said. “You see, we’ve been trying to find you for some time- I only figured out where you were because of Quigley.” 

“You know Quigley?” Violet said, relieved. 

“Yes. He managed to find me after getting separated from you all.” Kit said. “He was going to be here, but he had to leave in a helicopter to answer a distress call from a self-sustaining hot air mobile home.” 

“Quigley can pilot a helicopter?” Nick asked suspiciously. 

“He’ll figure it out. I did when I was his age.” Kit shrugged. “If all goes well, you’ll see all three triplets on Thursday. That is, unless you cancel the meeting.” 

“Why would we cancel it?” Lilac asked. 

“The last safe place may not be safe after all.” Kit said sadly. “If that’s the case, you Baudelaires will need to send VFD a signal that Thursday’s gathering is cancelled.” 

“Why would it not be safe?” Solitude asked, tossing Babbitt more crumbs. 

Kit smiled at the young girl, and then opened a folder that the Baudelaires had retrieved from the cab, flipping through. “I’m sorry this is so disorganized. I haven’t had time to update my commonplace book. My brother used to say that if only one had a little more time to do some important reading, all the secrets of the world would become clear. I’ve scarcely looked at these maps, poems sand blueprints that Charles sent me, or chosen wallpaper for the baby’s room. Wait one moment, Baudelaires, I’ll find it. Help yourself to more brunch- I have tea and coffee if you want it, but it’s very bitter. Tea should be bitter as wormwood and sharp as a two-edged sword.” 

“That’s fine.” Lilac assured her, reaching for a cup. “I like my coffee bitter.” 

“That is surprising.” Kit said absent-mindedly, still looking through papers. “Ah! Here it is! Larry slipped this to me last night by hiding it inside a cookie.” 

Kit handed a paper to Klaus, who unrolled it and squinted. “JS has checked in and requested tea with sugar. My brother sends his regards. Sincerely, Frank.” 

“You can understand why this message made me so distraught, I’m sure.” Kit said. 

“Not really.” Sunny admitted. 

“Someone is posing as my brother, Baudelaires.” Kit explained to the toddler. “And he’s checked into the hotel shortly before our entire organization is expected to arrive.” 

“Count Olaf?” Violet said, putting an arm around Nick. 

“It could be,” Kit said, “But there are plenty of villains who are all too eager to be imposters. But this JS may not be a wicked person. Plenty of noble people would check into the Hotel Denouement and order sugar in their tea. Not to sweeten it, but as a signal. Our comrades and enemies are all after the same thing- the Vessel For Disaccharides.” 

“Vessel for wha?” Solitude asked. 

“Sugar Bowl.” Sunny explained. 

“Wonderful.” Nick sighed, and Klaus and Lilac moved closer to him and their other siblings. 

“Exactly.” Kit nodded. “The sugar bowl is on its way to the hotel even as we speak, and I’d hate to think what would happen if our enemies got ahold of it. I can’t imagine anything worse, except perhaps if they got ahold of the Medusoid Mycelium.” 

The Baudelaires looked very awkwardly at each other, and then Lilac said, “Um. About that.” 

Kit’s face fell. “What?” 

“Um. Count Olaf…  _ may _ have managed to… uh…” Violet said. 

“Get a hold of a diving helmet full of Medusoid spores.” Klaus finished, staring very hard at a plate. 

“Active ones.” Solitude shuddered. 

Kit shut her eyes, and then said, “Oh, you’ve  _ got _ to be  _ fucking _ kidding me.” 

“Sorry.” Soli said. 

“No, no, it’s not your fault. It’s just…  _ nothing _ is going right.” Kit groaned, running her hand through a strand of hair that had fallen from her bun. “In that case, we have no time to waste. The six of you must infiltrate the Hotel Denouement and observe JS. If JS is a noble person, you must make sure the Sugar Bowl falls into their hands, but if they’re villainous, you must make sure it does not. And I’m sad to say that this won’t be as easy as it sounds.” 

“It doesn’t sound easy at all.” Klaus said. 

“That’s the spirit.” Kit said. “Of course, you won’t be alone. Showing up early is one of the signs of a noble person, so there are other volunteers already at the hotel. You may even recognize some of them. But you may also recognize some of your enemies, as they will be posing as noble people by showing up as well.” 

“How will we tell the villains from the volunteers?” Violet said. 

“Pay attention.” Kit said, unhelpfully. “Observe everyone you see, and make judgements for yourselves. You’ll have to become flaneurs.” 

“Expound?” Sunny asked, meaning,  _ “Could you please explain that word?”  _

“Flaneurs,” Kit said, “Are people who quietly observe their surroundings, intruding only when it is absolutely necessary. Children make excellent flaneurs, as so few people notice them. Also,” she lifted up a corner of the picnic blanket, revealing six carefully-wrapped packages. “The man who sent me the message about the imposter is a member of VFD. He suggested that he hire the three of you as concierges. Your uniforms are in these packets.” 

“Expound again.” Sunny said. 

“A concierge,” Klaus explained, “Is someone who performs various tasks for guests in the hotel.” 

“It’s a perfect disguise.” Kit said. “You’ll be doing everything from fetching packages to recommending restaurants. You’ll be allowed in every corner of the hotel, from the rooftop sunbathing salon to the laundry room in the basement, and no one will suspect you’re there to spy on them. Frank will help you as best he can, but be very careful. The schism has turned many brothers into enemies. Under no circumstances should you reveal your true selves to Frank’s treacherous identical brother Ernest.” 

“If they’re identical, how do we tell who is who?” Klaus asked. 

“Try to pay attention.” Kit said again. “You’ll have to observe everyone you see and make such judgements yourselves. That’s the only way to tell a villain from a volunteer. Is everything clear?” 

The Baudelaires glanced to each other, and then Violet said, “What’ll you be doing?” 

“I’m going to resolve a certain situation in the sea.” Kit said. 

Nick turned to Kit and said, “We’ll all be in danger, you know. If  _ he _ finds us out… and we’re alone…” 

“That’s why you’ll be together.” Kit said, putting her hand gently over Nick’s. “I’ve received reports on your progress, Baudelaires, and while I haven’t been able to reach you, I have seen that you take care of your own.” 

Nick bit his lip, and he said, “Fine. We’ll do it. But just to keep the sugar bowl from  _ him.”  _

Violet and Klaus put their arms around him, and Soli leaned against him, and slowly, all six siblings nodded. 

Kit gave them all a reluctant and sad smile, and then repeated, almost to herself, “You Baudelaires take care of your own.” 


	23. in which the Baudelaires enter the Hotel Denouement

**CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE**

_ in which the Baudelaires enter the Hotel Denouement _

“We look like shit.” Violet said. 

They looked down at their reflections in the pond. They had changed into their concierge uniforms, surprised that Kit had managed to find some for the youngest two. Nick was still hugging his sweater to his chest, as if he wanted to wear it again, though he knew that would be a poor idea. Lilac had tied her hair into a bun again, hiding it all underneath her hat, and Klaus was nervously rubbing his glasses against his shirt to clean them. Solitude _ hmm_ed as she held out her pocket, watching her excited frog hop inside to nap. Violet was helping Sunny tie her shoes, whispering to her how to tie her knots. 

As soon as they had finished, they turned back to Kit, who was packing everything up into a basket. She looked them over, her eyes sad. “Will these work?” Violet asked. 

“Yes.” Kit nodded. “You’ll find sunglasses in your pockets, you should wear those to disguise your faces.” 

She walked over towards them, and Lilac asked, “When will you be back?” 

“Thursday, if all goes well.” Kit said. Then, as they watched, she sat onto the grass and started to cry. 

The Baudelaires glanced at each other, concerned, and eventually Solitude wandered over to Kit, hugging her arm. Sunny crawled onto her lap, and Lilac knelt next to her. “Why are you crying?” Violet said. 

“Because all will not go well.” Kit cried. “You may as well know that now, Bauddelaires. These are dark days, dark as a crow flying through a pitch black night. Our errands may be noble, but we will not succeed. I suspect that before Thursday, I’ll see your signal and know that all our hopes have gone up in smoke.” 

“But how will we signal?” Klaus asked. “Which code should we use?” 

“Any code.” Kit sighed. “We’ll be watching the skies.” 

The Baudelaires all nodded solemnly, and then Lilac said, “We’ll all go inside. Let us help you pack up.” 

Her and Violet knelt down to put things away, and as Klaus ducked down to help them, Nick put a soft hand on Solitude’s shoulder, and said, “Kit? Can I… speak to you alone?” 

His siblings gave him very nervous looks, but when Kit wiped her eyes and said, “Alright,” Lilac just gave him a pat on the hand, and Violet and Klaus comforting whispers, and then Nick took Kit to the edge of the lawn, outside of the earshots of his siblings. 

“I understand that you have some serious concerns,” she said, “And I can assure you-” 

“Lilac doesn’t know.” Nick said sharply. 

Kit jumped. “What?” 

“She doesn’t know. About your…” Nick just gestured to her. 

Kit’s eyes softened. “I know that. I just… it’s nice to see her. And you. You look like both of your parents so much.” 

Nick bit his lip, hugging his sweater. His mother’s necklace was still underneath his uniform, and he knew that Lilac’s was under hers. The two of the older girls had their ribbons, and Nick had the folded baby picture of Lilac, and he supposed Klaus had that spyglass and sheet music somewhere, and those few items were the only things they had left. The only things that were truly theirs. 

Nick held out his sweater, and said, “Can you hold this for me? Until Thursday. I can’t lose it.” 

Kit looked about ready to cry again, but she did take the sweater, letting her hands linger over Nick’s as she gripped onto the edges. 

“I hope I can help you, Nick.” she said softly. “When I’m back.” 

“I doubt you can.” Nick said bluntly. His eyes were cold. “Your people will never help us. We’re only here to piss him off, and to make sure he doesn’t get his filthy fucking hands on what he wants. After this is done, we’re going somewhere. I don’t give a shit where, or what we’ll do until Lilac’s eighteen, but we’re not going with you. We’re not going anywhere any of these people can reach us.” 

Kit’s expression didn’t change. Nick wondered if she’d been taught not to show her emotions, and how well that training had taken hold. “Okay.” she murmured, not sure what else to say. 

Nick bit his lip, thinking about everything. VFD. The secrets. The Sugar Bowl. That reminded him of a book Lilac read him. 

“We’ll live on the moon.” he said quietly, his voice almost blank. “And we’ll have flying horses.” God, he wished he was still young enough to believe that. 

He reached into his pocket, which was only just big enough for his small box of markers. He wanted to pull one out, but he also didn’t want Kit to see him. 

“Don’t fail the Quagmires, or Fiona.” he finally said. 

Then Kit took the sweater. 

“I won’t.” she promised. 

Nick didn’t know if that was a promise she could keep. 

After she’d left, and Nick was sure she wouldn’t come back, he drew the moon on his arm. 

When it was time to go in, Klaus and Lilac immediately threw their hands over their ears. The hotel lobby was loud as hell, with bells clanging and guests shouting and bellboys and bellgirls running around, and waiters and waitresses racing to deliver food to tables, and taxi drivers led their guests inside while dogs led their owners outside, and piano music rung throughout the house, and cascades of water fell from the fountain, and elevators dinged as they rose and fell. 

Nick held out a hand for Solitude, and used his other hand to grab onto Klaus’s arm. Violet mirrored him, taking the hand of Sunny and the arm of Lilac. 

“Frank first.” Sunny said. 

“Let’s check the desk.” Violet said, gesturing towards it. “Frank should be there for us.” 

“Unless it’s Ernest.” Nick said. 

As they walked to the desk, they glanced around, seeing several numbers emblazoned onto things- 101 over the desk, 152 on the piano, 131 behind the fountain. 

“What do you suppose the numbers are for?” Solitude asked, barely heard over the clatters around them. 

Before anyone could answer, a man came bounding up to them. He was very tall and skinny, and he wore a uniform similar to theirs, with the wod MANAGER printed in fancy script above one of the pockets of his coat. 

“You must be the new concierges.” he said. “Welcome to the Hotel Denouement, I’m one of the managers.” 

“Frank or Ernest?” Violet asked, as Lilac and Klaus hesitantly lowered their hands. 

“Exactly.” he said. “I’m so happy he six of you are here, even if two of you are unusually short, because we’re unusually short-handed. I’m so busy you’ll have to figure out the system for yourself.” 

“System?” Klaus asked. 

“This place is as complicated as it is enormous,” said Frank, or perhaps Ernest, “And vice versa. I’d hate to think what would happen if you didn’t understand it.” 

“Um.” Lilac said quietly. “We’ll try our best.” 

“Good.” said the manager. “You’ll be at our guests’ beck and call; if anyone and everyone staying here asks for assistance, you’ll immediately volunteer to help them.” 

“Excuse me, sir?” a bellboy ran up, holding two suitcases. “This luggage arrived in a taxi, but the driver said the guest wouldn’t arrive until Thursday. What should I do?” 

“Thursday?” said Frank or Ernest with a frown. “Excuse me, concierges. I don’t suppose I have to tell you how important this is. I’ll be right back.” 

The manager followed the bellboy into the crowd, leaving the Baudelaires standing alone next to a large, wooden bench marked with the number 128. Klaus ran his hand along the bench, which was etched with rings, from people setting down glasses without using coasters. “Do you think we were talking to Frank or Ernest?” Klaus said. 

“I don’t know.” Lilac said. 

Before any of the Baudelaires could guess, a tall, skinny manager appeared at their sides. “You must be the new concierges.” he said. “Welcome to the Hotel Denouement.” 

“You must be Ernest.” Violet said. 

“Or Frank.” Nick said. 

“Yes,” the manager said, “I’m very grateful you three are here. The hotel is quite busy at the moment, and we’re expecting more guests to arrive on Thursday. Now, you’ll be stationed at the concierge desk, number 175, right over here. Follow me.” 

The children followed him to a far wall, to the desk; on it was a small frog-shaped lamp that perked Soli’s interest, and out the window, they could see a gray, flat horizon of the sea. “We’ve got a pond on one side of us,” said Ernest, or Frank, “And a sea on the other. It doesn’t sound very safe, and yet some people think this is a very safe place indeed. What do you think?” 

“Hmm.” was all Sunny could think to say. 

“Hmm.” Frank or Ernest said in response. “Now, then, let me explain how this hotel is organized.” 

“Excuse me, sir!” said a bellgirl, carrying a large pile of newspapers. “These latest editions just arrived.” 

“Let me see.” the manager picked up a paper, and then said, “Alright, I’ll show you the newsstand in Room 168. Concierges, I’ll return shortly.” 

He left with the bellgirl, and Lilac said, “I bet that’s _ The Daily Punctilio, _full of lies about us.” 

“Duncan would hate that.” Klaus mentioned. “Even if it wasn’t about us.” 

“Do you think people will recognize us?” Solitude asked. 

“We look more like concierges than children.” Nick assured her. “Besides, they probably don’t have updated pictures. It’ll be harder to recognize us the older we get.” 

“That’ll make it easier to run errands.” Violet said. 

“What do you mean by that?” asked a familiar voice, and the Baudelaires saw that either Frank or Ernest had returned. 

“What my associate meant,” Klaus said, quickly, “Is that it would be easier for us to start our work if you explain how the hotel is organized.” 

“I just said I would do that.” said Frank or Ernest. “Once you understand how the Hotel Denouement works, you’ll be able to perform your errands as easily as you would find a book in the library. And if you can find a book in the library, then you already know how this hotel works.” 

“Expound.” Sunny said. 

“The Hotel Denouement is organized according to the Dewey Decimal System.” the manager explained. 

“Oh, like libraries.” Klaus said quickly. 

“Yes.” Frank or Ernest nodded. 

“Expound?” Sunny repeated. 

“Marked numbers symbolize different topics.” Nick said. 

“For instance,” Klaus said, “If you wanted to find a book on German poetry, you would begin in the section of the library marked 800, literature and rhetoric.” 

“Similarly,” Frank or Ernest said, “The eighth story of this hotel is reserved for our rhetorical guests. German poetry would be labelled under 831, so if you went to room 831, you’d find a gathering of German poets.” 

“Is there a catalog somewhere?” Violet asked. 

“You shouldn’t need a catalog.” said the manager. “The entire 100 section of a library is dedicated to philosophy and psychology, and so is the first story of our hotel, from the reception desk, which is labeled 101 for the theory of philosophy, to the concierge desk, which is labeled 175 for the ethics of recreation and leisure, to the couches over there, which are 135 for dreams and mysteries. The second story is the 200s for religion, and we have a church, cathedral, chapel, synagogue, mosque, temple, shrine, shuffleboard court, and Room 296 which, fair warning, is currently occupied by a somewhat cranky rabbi.” 

“Any snakes?” Solitude asked. 

“Shh, not now.” Nick said. 

“The third story is social sciences, where we have placed our ballrooms and meeting rooms. The fourth story is dedicated to language, so most of our foreigners stay there. The 500s are dedicated to mathematics and science, and the sixth story is dedicated to technology, from the sauna in Room 613-” 

“Promotion of health.” Nick whispered to Violet. 

“-to Room 697, where we keep the controls for heating, ventilation and air conditioning. Now, if the seventh story stands for the arts, what do you think we would find in Room 792?” 

“Well, that’s stage presentations.” Nick said. 

“A theater?” Violet guesed. 

“You’ve obviously visited a library before.” the manager said. “I’m afraid that’s not true of all of our guests, so when they are in need of any other services, they ring for a concierge instead of wandering around the hotel by themselves. In the next day or so, you’ll probably walk through every section of the hotel, from the astronomy observatory in Room 999 to the employee’s quarters in the basement, Room 000.” 

“Is that where we sleep?” Lilac asked. 

“Well, you’re on dury twenty-four hours a day,” Ernest or Frank said, “But the hotel gets very quiet at night, when the guests go to sleep or stay up all night reading. You can nap behind the desk, and when someone rings for you it will serve as an alarm clock. Your positions as concierges are excellent opportunities for you to quietly observe your surroundings. People tend to treat the hotel staff as if they are invisible, so you will have the chance to see and hear quite a lot of interesting things. However, you should remember that you will also have many opportunities to be observed. Do I make myself clear?” 

They paused. “That’s an interesting question.” Violet finally said. 

They suddenly heard several loud, piercing rings. “Aha! Your work has begun!” the manager said. 

They moved to the other side of the desk, where Frank or Ernest pointed to a vast network of tiny bells, lining the back of the desk where drawers might otherwise be. Each bell had a number from 000 to 999, with one extra bell that had no number at all. Exactly six bells were ringing- the extra bell, 371, 547, 674, 781 and 954. 

“Alright then! That works out perfectly! You can each take a different room.” the manager said. 

“Split up?” Nick said nervously, grabbing Solitude’s hand tight. 

“Of course. You can’t be in more than one place at once, can you? I suppose you’ll each have to pick a room and head out.” 

“What’s the extra bell?” Lilac asked curiously. 

“The rooftop sunbathing salon.” said the manager. “People who sunbathe aren’t usually interested in library science, so they’re not picky about the salon’s location. Now, get moving. Off with you!” 

The siblings quickly raced towards the elevators, ducking behind a plant as soon as Frank or Ernest turned his back on them. 

“Last time we split up, Solitude was poisoned.” Nick hissed. 

“Girb,” Sunny said unhelpfully, which meant, _ “Technically, the last time we split up, we were tossed into separate brigs and Violet tried to make a flamethrower.” _

“God_ damnit, _ Violet, what have I told you about flamethrowers?” Lilac groaned. 

“That I should totally make one and use it on Olaf the bastard man.” 

_ “No!” _ Lilac paused. “I mean, I’m not opposed to the _ idea, _but-” 

“If we have to split up,” Klaus interrupted, “We should hurry. And run back to meet here when we’re done. Nick, you know the Dewey Decimal System better than I do, what were those numbers?” 

Nick shivered and shut his eyes. “I don’t have the _ full _ thing memorized, but 371 is educational, 674 is lumber, 954 is… maybe food? Or something South Asian? I don’t know the others.” 

“Nine.” Sunny said, which meant, _ “I’ll take that last one, then.” _

“I’ll take 674.” Klaus suggested. 

“Are you sure? That’s lumber. You almost killed someone in a lumbermill.” Lilac said. 

“Thanks for the reminder and implicit vote of confidence, sister dear.” Klaus said. “I’ll be fine, it’ll just mean I know the area.” 

“I’ll take the roof.” Violet said. “Nick, you take 371, that sounds safe.” 

“I’m not taking a safer option than the rest of you.” Nick said. 

“Okay, fine, but you would still probably be able to help more with education, considering how many books are still bouncing around in your dumb head.” 

“You’re a dumb head.” 

“Holy fuck, Nick, just take the school shit.” Lilac said. “Soli, you want to take your chances with 547 or 781?” 

Solitude considered. “781 sounds like fun.” 

“Whatever you say, sweetie.” Lilac said. 

“What happens,” Solitude asked then, “If one of us finds the imposter alone?” 

“Get the rest of us.” Lilac said sternly. “Don’t take any unnecessary risks.” 

“And don’t die or get captured.” Nick said. 

“Guys,” Violet said, putting one comforting hand on Nick’s shoulder and the other on Sunny’s head, “We’ll be fine. We’re in a library. What’s the worst thing that could happen in a library?”


	24. in which the first three bells ring

**CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR**

_ in which the first three bells ring _

Each sibling stopped at a different floor, and each sibling had a different experience simultaneously. None of the six stories were very pleasant, and they all led up to a conclusion that was more complicated and dreary than the ones before them. 

But they each gathered some information while they were there, and they each realized, very quickly, that too many people who could have recognized and revealed them were getting very, very close… 

Lilac got off the elevator on the fifth floor, waving very nervously to all her siblings but Nick, who’d already gotten off on the third. He’d looked so nervous, and he kept glancing at Violet and patting his pocket, or reaching for his arms and then flinching back. Lilac had no idea what that was about, but it scared her. Everything about this scared her. 

_ Room 547. Get to Room 547.  _

She wondered what number that was in the Dewey Decimal System. She wondered if Fiona would knew. God, she wished Fiona had gone with them. Fiona could have gone with Nick, or watched Sunny or Soli, or been there. With her. She wished the Quagmires were there, too. With four extra people, only two of them would be left alone. In her mind, she considered who would go where. She remembered that one of the 839 numbers was Gothic Literature, maybe Isadora could go with her or Sunny, stop at the floor either just above or just below her to see what was there. Unfortunately, Duncan and Quigley would probably want to go with Klaus and Violet… Isadora could’ve gone with Sunny, and Fiona could go with Soli… but that left Nick alone… perhaps Nick could go with Soli and Fiona could take the other floor. That would put both her and Fiona alone, but they were the eldest, they could handle it. 

When she finally reached Room 547, she stopped herself and took a few deep breaths. Why was she even thinking like this? Isadora and Duncan were in a mobile home, with Quigley in a helicopter and Fiona somewhere at sea. It was just the six of them, and they’d have to do the best they could. 

And she’d have to hurry so she could make sure she met up with her siblings as soon as possible. 

Lilac knocked and said, as she thought she probably was supposed to, “Room Service?” 

The door opened, and Lilac stepped back, coughing as some kind of steam came out. A woman peered out and said, “Oh, hello! I need some help!” 

Lilac almost gasped as soon as she recognized the voice, but she managed to straighten up and say, once again faking an Austrailian accent, as she’d done back at Heimlich Hospital, “Whatever you need, ma’am.” 

The woman smiled, and while Lilac did not recognize the white coat or black uniform underneath, she did recognize the woman standing in front of her, even though she wasn’t bending in any unusual positions. 

“Come on in. I’m afraid it’s a bit crowded. My associates are helping me, too.” Collete said, gesturing for Lilac to follow her inside. 

As soon as she stepped in, Lilac figured out that 547 must be the Dewey Decimal Number for some kind of chemistry, because the room was filled with chemistry equipment. Glasses and bottles of bubbling liquid filled every inch of the room, covering metal tables and hanging off of shelves. At a center table sat Hugo, who was dressed in uniform of a bellboy, and Kevin, who was wearing a plain apron. They sat between several petri dishes, and for a heart-pounding moment, Lilac thought there might be spores inside them, but, no, it seemed to just be some clear liquid. 

“I may need your assistance.” Collete said, leading Lilac over to a thick book open on the table. “You see, I am a brilliant chemist, as you can tell from my outfit, but I’m afraid some of these fumes have gone to my head, and I’m having trouble recognizing some words here.” 

_ Shit, we shoulda sent Klaus.  _

“Well,” Lilac stuttered through her accent, “Perhaps you should wear more safety equipment.” 

“Our boss says safety equipment’s for weaklings.” Kevin said. 

Hugo laughed uncomfortably. “You mean, um,  _ your  _ boss, person I’ve never met. We all clearly have different occupations.” 

Their lack of subtlety would be funny if Lilac wasn’t so fearful. She skittishly glanced down at the book. “Well, I personally believe that safety is more important than pride.” 

“We can discuss that later.” Colette said. She pointed at a paragraph. “There. I can’t understand this.” 

Lilac blinked. “This is an ingredients list.” She’d expected Colette to be having trouble working a machine or mixing things together, and as the contortionist spoke next, Lilac glanced up to read the title of the formula, only to find it covered with a sticky note that one of her former coworkers had helpfully drawn a frowny face on. 

“Yes, yes. But they’re all worded very complicatedly.” 

“They’re just listing chemical compounds.” 

“I told you they’d judge us.” Kevin said. “I should’ve just called up my old gangmate.” 

“She wouldn’t have gotten here in time, she lives on the other side of-” Hugo began. 

“I’m not judging you, sir,” Lilac said quickly, “I’m just trying to understand the problem. Which ones are you having trouble with?” 

“All of them.” Colette admitted. “And I’m afraid we have to make this fast. My employer needs this completed before Thursday, and I know there’s a long time it has to prepare.” 

Her employer. Great. 

Lilac narrowed her eyes. She recognized the chemical compounds- her and Violet had gone through a celebrity crush phase on a chemist about three or four years before- but she was having trouble figuring out what they combined into. “What is this for?” 

“Um. Nothing.” Colette said. “Just a cocktail party. For… the fountain. I mean, the formula’s for the fountain, not that we’re throwing a party for the fountain, I doubt the fountain would care-” 

“Oh, a party for a fountain might be fun.” Hugo said. 

“Focus.” Kevin reminded them. 

Lilac considered. “I can write down the more… easy-to-recall names beside them, if any of you have a pencil.” 

“Uh, there might be one in this drawer.” Hugo said, pushing it open. “No, more dishes… this has syringes… here!” 

He passed her a stubby pencil, and Lilac thought very hard. While she knew the basics of chemistry, she was by no means an expert. She really had two options, if she wanted to keep her cover; she could write down the exact compounds, or she could change some to help Colette’s experiments fail. But then what would happen if it blew up? Her coworkers could be hurt. 

_ They’re working for Olaf. Whatever they’re trying to make, you need to stop them.  _

But still… they weren’t bad people. Just lost. She couldn’t allow herself to hurt them. 

She wrote down the first compound- nothing too bad yet. Maybe they were just making cookies. 

_ Don’t be stupid, Li. Figure out how to stop them.  _

But if she changed the formula, what if she was found out? What if Colette called her back to complain and realized who she was? What if she told Ernest or Frank and they realized who she was, and thus, who her siblings were? She couldn’t put them in danger. 

_ Colette won’t realize, she’ll just think she messed up… and then she’ll get blamed.  _

She continued writing, her hands going faster than her brain. 

_ Fuck it up. Come on, Li, bullshit it.  _

Whatever they were doing, it wasn’t good. She had to stop it. She had to… 

Oh, fuck. 

“Um, ma’am?” Lilac said, her voice a little shaky. “This… this compound, on the list, is for cyanide.” 

“Is it?” Colette asked curiously. “Kevin, do you see anything labelled for cynaide?” 

“Ma’am, that’s very deadly…” 

Colette quickly glanced over her shoulder and then snatched the book away. “You know, I’ll just look for an index. Thank you for getting most of this for me.” 

Cyanide. Deadly. Poison. 

Cocktail party… 

Oh, holy shit. 

“Glad to be of service, ma’am.” Lilac said quicky, almost forgetting her accent. “Is there anything more I can do for you?” 

“No, please leave and don’t mention this to anyone. It’s… a surprise!” 

Lilac bit her lip. “Ma’am, I could suggest less… dangerous chemistry experiments to use-” 

“No, thank you. Go away.” 

Well, if she was going to fudge the chemical compounds, her chance had long gone. Why didn’t she just keep her damn mouth shut? 

At the very least, she had a brief idea of what Olaf’s plan could be. 

Lilac opened her mouth to say something, only for Hugo to say, “Hey, you look familiar. Have I seen you before?” 

“Um. No.” Lilac said too quickly. “No, I’m new.” 

“Actually, you do…” Colette narrowed her eyes, studying her. “You know what? I might listen a bit, if you’re who I think you are. Are you who I think you are?” 

Lilac felt her heart skip a beat. Colette might listen to her… or she might be preparing to trap her to hand over to Count Olaf. 

In another life, or maybe just a few months ago, she might have taken off her sunglasses and properly reintroduced herself, and trusted that these three people had the best of intentions and she could stop them from doing anything further. 

But she hadn’t had a lot of luck with trust lately. And she had five siblings who needed her to stay alive and stay with them. 

“I’m just a concierge.” Lilac said. “And I’ll see myself out.” 

As she turned to go, she heard the hotel clock below her. 

_ WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.  _

Violet got off alone at the roof of the hotel, very glad she had sunglasses to avoid the bright light. The sun bounced its reflection off of the sea, and on the roof, several people held mirrors to catch the light. About ten sunbathers lay around the area on shiny mats, but one had stood up upon seeing her, and Violet had to bite back a snarl as she approached, wearing insane sunglasses and an even more insane outfit. 

“Here you are at least, concierge!” Esme said. 

Esme was wearing sunglasses vaguely shaped like cones, and instead of a bathing suit, she wore three leaves of lettuce taped to her body. 

“I have been waiting for two whole minutes, you lazy worker!” 

Violet tore her eyes away from the vilainness and stared hard at the ground. “I apologize, ma’am, the concierges are particularly busy today. What is it you require?” 

“It’s not what  _ I  _ require,” Esme said, “It’s what that adorable little girl requires.” 

“I’m not an adorable little girl!” Violet bit back another groan as Carmelita danced up to them, shouting, “I’m a ballplaying cowboy superhero soldier pirate!” 

“Of  _ course  _ you are, darling.” Esme went to go sit on a mat, beside a woman Violet unhappily recognized as Eleanora Poe. “Carmelita’s going through her tomboy phase.” 

“Oh, I’m sure your daughter will grow out of it.” Eleanora said, barely looking up from a stack of papers she was reading over. Even from the briefest of glances, Violet could see a million spelling mistakes. 

“Oh, she’s not my daughter.” Esme said. “I’d no sooner have children of my own than I would wear modest clothing.” 

“Alright, cakesniffer,” Carmelita said, “I want ice cream, with-” 

“And she’s not adopted, orphans are Out now.” 

“What’s In?” asked Eleanora, looking very interested. 

“Cocktail parties! Like the one I’m having on Thursday!” 

“-no nuts, only pink and green sprinkles,  _ lots _ of whipped cream, nuts on the whipped cream-” 

“And these sunglasses. They’re called Sunoculars. Like sunglasses and binoculars.” 

“Oh? Wait until the readers of _ The Daily Punctilio  _ hear about this! SUNOCULARS, TO BE USED FOR- what are they used for?” 

“Watching the skies, of course.” 

“Why would you want to watch the skies?” 

Esme frowned, as Carmelita described what kind of spoon she wanted. “Because birdwatching is very In.” she said unconvincingly. 

“Wow! Will all the guests at your cocktail party be wearing sunoculars?” 

“Even if they were, they wouldn’t be able to see the surprises we have in store for them.” 

“Could you tell me?” 

“Well, if I told you, it wouldn’t be a surprise.” 

“Could I get a hint?” 

“No.” 

“Pretty please?” 

“Hey! Cakesniffer!” Carmelita shouted to Violet. “I also want a harpoon gun!” 

“Yeah, sure.” Violet waved, trying to listen. 

“I’ll give you a hint,” Esme said, “If you tell me about this person lurking around the laundry room. Goes by JS.” 

“Wait,” Violet suddenly realized something, “Did you say you wanted a harpoon gun?” 

“JS? But JS is-” Eleanora began. 

“Esme!” Carmelita screamed. “She won’t bring me a harpoon gun!” 

“I-” Violet began. 

“Why do you want a harpoon gun?” asked Eleanora. “Are those In?” 

“Countie said I can’t be a ballplaying superhero cowboy soldier pirate without one! So go  _ get me one  _ so that I can use it properly and he’ll teach me how to spit!” 

“Um, I’ll fetch you a harpoon gun, miss.” Violet said. 

“Stop calling me ‘miss’, you cakesniffer!” Carmelita said. “I’m a ballplaying cowboy superhero soldier pirate!” 

“Okay, okay.” Violet said, backing into the elevator. 

As soon as the doors closed, Violet thought very hard. Where the  _ hell _ would she get a harpoon gun? Was there a dewey decimal number for harpoon guns? God, wouldn’t that be convenient. 

She sighed and pressed the button for the lobby, making her way down to the desk, where Frank or Ernest was in the middle of a crowd, gesturing. Violet waited until he was done, and then said, “Excuse me, sir, a guest has requested a harpoon gun, and I don’t know where to find one. Are you sure there isn’t a catalogue?” 

“You shouldn’t need one,” the manager said, “If you’re who I think you are.” Violet stared very hard, and Frank or Ernest tok a step closer to her. “Are you who I think you are?” 

Violet bit her lip, and then said, “Of course I’m who you think I am. I’m a concierge.” 

“I see.” said Frank or Ernest. “And who is requesting a harpoon gun?” 

“A young girl on the roof.” 

“A young girl on the roof. Are you sure a harpoon gun should be given to a young girl on the roof?” 

‘Um…” 

Before Violet could answer, Frank or Ernest turned and beckoned Violet to follow him to a far corner of the library, to a door marked 121. “This number stands for epistemology,” he explained, “And I thought it would be a good hiding place.” 

He unlocked the door, revealing a closet, holding a large harpoon gun. 

“Be very careful with this.” said the manager, handing it to Violet. “A weapon like this should only be in the hands of the right person. I’m grateful for your assistance, concierge. Not many people have the courage to help with a scheme like this.” 

Violet nodded, and then slowly turned. 

She had to give it to Carmelita, or she’d complain, and she and Esme would find her, and it wouldn’t take long for them to recognize her. All they’d have to do was make her slip up, or catch her with her siblings… 

The hotel clock in the lobby clanged. 

_ WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!  _

Nick really, really hated being alone in a hotel this big, and with so many enemies inside. His siblings could run into any number of people who wanted them dead, or who were working for someone who wanted them dead, or could accidentally end up handing them over to a villain, or… 

_ Stop it.  _

He doodled the shape of a pegasus on his arm, beside the moon. He remembered that book. What else had Merricat thought would be on the moon? Rose petals. He could draw roses next. His mother had once shown him how to draw roses really well. He could probably do that with his markers. 

He pulled his sleeve over his doodles and knocked on the door of Room 371. 

“Who  _ dares _ interrupt a genius while he’s rehearsing?” 

Oh, for fuck’s sake. 

“The concierge you called.” Nick said. 

_ “The concierge you called.”  _ imitated Vice Principal Nero, who swung open the door. “Come inside.” 

Nick hesitantly stepped inside the room, keeping the door in the corner of his eye at all times. “You rang.” he said quietly. 

_ “You rang.” _ Nero mimicked, brandishing is violin. Sitting at a table in the corner of the room, Mr Remora and Ms Bass were playing some sort of educational card game. “Well, so what if I did? Ringing for you is no excuse for interrupting me when I’m practicing the violin. I have a very important recital on Thursday, and I plan on rehearsing every moment until then.” 

“Please, boss,” saying Mr Remora, “You said we could take a lunch break.” 

‘I’m so hungry I could eat a dekagram of rice.” said Ms Bass. “I heard there’s a wonderful Indian restaurant in Room 954.” 

Nick perked up slightly.  _ Room 954?  _ “I’d be  _ very _ happy to take you there.” he said brightly. 

“Ms Bass, I was hoping for room service.” Nero said. “So I could continue practicing.” 

Thinking very quickly, Nick said, “I’m sure a genius like you could stop for lunch. You don’t want to… break your violin by playing too much. You’d have to buy a new one before your recital.” 

“Oh, we’d just use the money Bass took from the bank.” Nero waved. 

“Shh! Don’t bring that up!” Bass said. 

“Even still,” Nick said, “I’ve read that violins play better if you’re used to them. A new violin could throw a genius like you off.” 

“Hmm.” Nero considered. “I suppose I could rest my arms for a few measly minutes in order to eat. What do you recommend?” 

“Room 954.” Nick said quickly. 

“Excellent! I’m glad you don’t give multiple options, we’d waste valuable rehearsing time deciding.” Nero said. “Lead the way, concierge.” 

“Yes, sir.” Nick said, carefully stepping back outside the room. He waited until he was sure all three were following him before moving them down the hall towards the elevator. 

“I’m very excited about my recital.” Nero said as they walked. “I’m sure all of the music critics at the cocktail party will love my performance.” 

Nick pressed the button to open the surprisingly swift elevator doors, just as Remora asked, “How do you know there will be music critics at the party? My invitation just said there’d be an all-you-can-eat banana buffet.” 

“Mine didn’t say anything about either of those.” Bass said, as they stepped inside the double doors and Nick pressed the button for the ninth story. “Just that there was a party in celebration of the metric system and to bring all of my valuables. As a teacher, I don’t earn enough money to purchase valuables, so I had to resort to a life of crime.” 

The doors shut and the elevator ascended, and Nick clenched his fists. He hated how small the compartment was, and if this thing got  _ stuck…  _ well, he might just explode before Count Olaf could even show up to try and kill him. 

Thankfully, the doors opened as Nero finished saying,  _ “I had to resort to a life of crime.  _ I can’t believe a genius like myself was invited to the same cocktail party as you two. Esme Squalor and her boyfriend must have accidentally mailed you those invitations.” 

Nick’s eyes narrowed as the doors opened, and Nero pushed past to exit first. Nick quickly guided them to Room 954, desperately hoping that Sunny was inside and ready to go already. 

The three teachers entered, sitting at a table and talking loudly about something while waiting for a waiter. Nick edged towards the kitchen doors, assuming that Sunny would be inside. 

The doors opened before he could get to them, and a vaguely familiar waiter rushed out towards the teachers. “Welcome to Room 954, where we serve a variety of Indian dishes.” he said. “I’m Larry, your waiter, and what would you like to order?” 

Not interested in the food preferences of his former professors, Nick turned back to the kitchen doors, just in time to see another, more familiar man exit. 

_ Hal? _

The former librarian came out, watching Larry for a moment before scanning the restaurant, looking at each guest at each table in turn. Nick edged a little, hoping Hal wouldn’t notice him, but just as he reached the doors, he was spotted. 

“Can I help you, concierge?” Hal asked. 

“Um.” Nick froze a moment, panic clutching his chest.

_ You’ve been caught! You’ve been caught! You’ve been caught!  _

“Is there something you need?” 

Nick shut his eyes and took a breath. “I, uh… an associate of mine is supposed to meet me here. I was wondering if she came by.” 

“I cannot just tell anyone that.” Hal said. “I may have only just started working here, but I’ve been told not to give out information on other employees.” 

“Well, I’m an employee.” Nick said. “I’m in uniform.” 

“Anyone can just put on a uniform and masquerade as an employee.” Hal said. 

Nick eyed him. “Including you.” he finally said. “How do I know I can trust you?” 

“Well, do I know if I can trust  _ you?” _ Hal asked. He stepped forwards and said, “I didn’t realize this was a sad occasion.” 

Nick’s hand flew to his necklace. “It’s not.” 

Hal’s eyes narrowed. “I think I may know you, and your associate. Are you who I think you are?” 

Nick stared at him.  _ Are you Nick Baudelaire? Are you a Baudelaire?  _

_ Are you a Volunteer?  _

“I… I’m…” Nick didn’t know how to respond. 

_ Are you… yourself?  _

_ When did you stop?  _

“I’m just looking for another concierge.” 

He heard a clanging beneath him, as Hal sighed and turned away. 

_ WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!  _

Nick flinched, covering his ears. Hal immediately turned back, concern flickering across his face. “Are you alright?” 

“It’s loud.” Nick said hastily, waiting until he was sure the clock would not chime again before lowering his hands. “I’m sorry.” 

“Would you like to step into the kitchen? I believe I have some leftover meals I may be able to share-” 

“No.” A memory flashed in Nick’s mind- him and Klaus, smiling at the shoemaker, telling him that they couldn’t take food from strangers. Back then, they hadn’t really thought about why, they just knew it was a rule to keep them safe. They never thought about not being safe. 

The world was so different when he was a kid. He wasn’t a kid anymore. 

He saw the waiter pass by him, and he stood aside so he could walk through the doors. He should go through, he should go through and find Sunny… 

“Is there sugar here?” he finally asked. 

Hal started. “What?” 

“In this restaurant. Sugar.” 

Hal hesitated, and then leaned close to Nick and whispered, “We’re expecting a new shipment tonight.” 

Nick nodded at him, trying to remain calm. 

The doors swung open again, and he looked down and saw Sunny toddling through, followed by Frank or Ernest. The manager smiled at Nick and walked away, as Sunny said, “Whatcha doin?” 

“Came to… fetch you.” Nick said shakily. He held out his hand, and Sunny took it. “Come on, we’ll be late.” 


	25. in which the next three bells are anwered

**CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE**

_ in which the next three bells are answered _

Klaus knocked on the door, bouncing on his heels. He really hoped this wouldn’t take long, he didn’t like the idea of his siblings wandering around on their own. He glanced at the room number- 674. Lumber. He knocked again, and as he’d been fearing, he heard a familiar voice say, “Sorry, sorry! Coming!” 

The door swung open just as Klaus stepped back, and he saw Charles exit, blinking over at him in a bathrobe. “Sorry,” he said, “I was hoping I wouldn’t have to call someone just to take me down the hall, but my eyesight isn’t what it used to be, and I’ve recently developed a phobia of optometrists.” 

“I… sorry.” Klaus said carefully. 

“Oh, don’t worry about it!” Charles said. “I’ll be fine! I just need to meet my partner in the sauna!” 

Klaus sighed, thankful that Ernest or Frank had mentioned that room exactly. “Well, then, follow me.” 

He led him down the hall, saying very quickly, “Saunas are good for your health, so it’s in Room 613.” 

They reached the room, and Klaus opened the door, watching Charles carefully. He didn’t seem to recognize him, instead humming slightly to himself. “Thank you.” he said politely. 

“This way to your partner, sir.” 

“Oh, my partner’s not Sir.” Charles said. “Not anymore. I finally realized _ that _ wasn’t healthy. So I went on a walkabout and visited a lot of saunas, for my health, and that’s how I met my new partner.” 

He entered the sauna, and Klaus curiously followed, his eyes widening once again as he spotted Jerome Squalor, sitting on the other end of the sauna. 

“Who’s there? I can’t see a thing in this sauna.” Jerome said, squinting. 

“It’s your partner!” Charles said brightly. “And the concierge.” 

“Ah, the concierge!” Jerome nodded. “If it’s no trouble, I’d love an aqueous martini. I’m hooked on them, though they’re terribly out of style.” 

“Who cares if they’re In or not?” Charles said, moving to sit beside his partner. 

Jerome looked absolutely delighted. “I love you so much.” he said. He turned to Klaus and said, “Now, my partner and I have business to attend to. Top secret business.” 

“You shouldn’t say it’s top secret out loud, dear.” Charles said sweetly. “But would you terribly mind stepping out?” 

Klaus hesitantly stepped out, and when the door closed, he knelt down, pressing his ear against the frame, vaguely hearing the conversation behind it. 

“I hope we weren’t rude to the concierge.” said Charles. 

“I hope not, too. Esme was always a monster to the help. But there are enemies lurking in this hotel and you can never be too careful.” 

“Yes, we’ll have to be careful if we want everything to go well on Thursday.” 

“Thursday.” Klaus muttered under his breath. He stood up, about to open the door and ask them what they knew- he wasn’t very good at subtlety, as his siblings often told him- but before he could, he heard a call from behind him. 

“Ah! Concierge!” 

Klaus jumped, turning to see Frank or Ernest walking towards him. “Perfect timing, concierge.” said the manager. “I need you to help me carry this and hang it from the windowsill at the end of the hall.” 

“Um, okay.” Klaus said, glancing reluctantly at the sauna behind him. 

“Be careful with this.” said the manager, handing over a flat and wide tube. “When it’s unrolled, the surface is very sticky, in order to trap things.” 

“Flypaper?” Klaus said, following the manager. “Is the hotel having an insect problem?” 

“No, a bird problem. This is birdpaper.” said Ernest of Frank, and he opened the window. “Birds can cause many problems. Recently, I’ve heard a swarm of eagles stole a crowd of children. What do you think of that?” 

Klaus struggled to keep a straight face as he helped the manager fasten the flypaper. After a second of choosing his words carefully, he said, “I think it’s remarkable.” 

“And that’s a remarkable answer.” sighed Frank or Ernest. He turned to the young boy and then said, “Tell me. Are you who I think you are?” 

Klaus froze, his mind racing. _ Kit said you’d be able to tell allies from enemies. Figure out who this is. Frank or Ernest? _ But try as he might, he just _ couldn’t _ figure it out. Was there something wrong with him? Maybe his siblings would’ve had better luck. 

“I’m a concierge.” was all Klaus could think to say. 

“I see.” said Frank or Ernest. “I’m grateful for your assistance, concierge. Not many people would have the courage to help with a scheme like this.” 

At that, Klaus heard a clock ring out, from several floors beneath. 

_ WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! _

Solitude hummed and skipped down the hall. Now that she was alone in the hall, Babbitt was peering out of her pocket, chirping happily as she leapt across patterns on the floor. 

_ “Don’t step on the crack, or you’ll fall and break your back!” _Soli sang, laughing a little as she jumped down to Room 781, trying to imitate Babbitt’s hops. Her frog made a noise that almost sounded like giggling, and Soli giggled along with them. 

She reached the door, and had to jump up to knock. She made a _ shh, _ and Babbitt ducked their head back into her pocket. 

Solitude watched as the door opened, and was incredibly relieved that she did not recognize the person who opened the door at all. She grinned and said, “Room service!” 

The woman stared down at the girl, in silence, for a few moments. 

“You’re a toddler.” she finally said. 

“Small person.” Solitude corrected, still smiling. “Did you ring for me?” 

“Um, I rang for a concierge, yes-” 

“Then I’ll help!” 

The woman continued to stare, and then she shrugged and said, “I’ll admit, this is not the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. Are you at least getting paid?” 

Oh. Huh. Solitude wasn’t sure about that. “Yes?” 

The woman sighed. “Come on in, I guess.” 

Solitude toddled inside, hoping that this problem wasn’t anything too difficult for someone of her size. The room didn’t look very messy; a familiar song was playing from a record player- there seemed to be a lot of record players, now she looked- and at the foot of the bed was a trunk and two suitcases, but otherwise everything seemed normal. 

“Do those sunglasses even fit you?” the woman asked, still looking a bit concerned. 

“Sure.” 

“Well, um… I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I may have stained the carpet. I’m not sure if it can be cleaned-” 

The young girl wandered to the other side of the bed, and then saw a small, brown stain on the floor. She knelt, sniffing it. “Coffee?” 

“Yeah, I was-” 

“I can get this.” Solitude nodded. “Do you have liquid dish soap, white vinegar, a dry cloth, and two cups of warm water?” 

The woman blinked. “I think I have dish soap and vinegar. I can get water and cloth. That was fast.” 

“My big sister likes coffee, and my other siblings used to like scaring her.” Solitude shrugged. 

The woman came back quickly with the supplies, and Solitude mixed the water, dish soap and vinegar together; she had to guess on the measurements of the soap and vinegar, hoping that they reached one tablespoon. She dipped the cloth in and began to blot at the stain. 

“This should be out soon.” Solitude promised. 

“You certainly are very helpful.” the woman said. “If you don’t mind, I’ll step out a moment- I need to figure out where the hell she went now.” 

Solitude nodded and didn’t ask for details, and the woman stepped out of the room for a moment. She continued sponging at the coffee, watching the stain come out of the rug, smiling that she’d been able to be a help to one of the guests. 

After a minute, though, Babbitt jumped from her pocket, sniffing around the room. 

“Babbitt! Get back! She could walk in at any time!” Solitude whispered. 

Babbitt didn’t listen, as they normally didn’t, and hopped under the bed. 

_ “Babbitt!” _Soli groaned, and as soon as the stain was basically gone, she folded up the damp cloth and crawled under the bed, glancing around. “Babbitt! Babbitt, get back!” 

She finally heard a chirp, and she crawled to the far corner of the bed. She had to push up her sunglasses to see where Babbitt was; they were on top of a duffel bag, dragging the zipper in their mouths to open it. 

“Babbitt, leave her stuff alone!” Solitude said, knowing this was very rude. She reached out to grab the frog, who hopped away just in time that Solitude pushed the bag by accident; it slid out from under the bed, falling onto its side. 

“Fuck!” Soli hissed, rushing out and ducking down to see if anything had spilled. The green bag seemed to be empty, though Babbitt was now jumping inside, sniffing the bottom. 

“Babbitt, stop messing around!” Solitude scolded, but Babbitt just started pounding against the bottom of the bag. Funny, the last time Babbitt had acted like this, they’d run for the piano and found… 

Oh. 

Solitude crawled forwards, pulling up a hidden lid on the bag, to see nothing in the hidden compartment. 

“See? Normal empty bag, that happens to have a false bottom.” she said. 

Babbitt shook their head, once again bouncing against the bottom. 

“Well, okay.” Soli shrugged. Babbitt hopped out, and Soli reached forwards, touching the bottom again, only to jump in surprise when it also flipped up, and a small statue fell out. 

Babbitt, proud, hopped atop it, while Soli just backed up, surprised. 

“What are you…?” 

Solitude jumped, turning guiltily to look at the stunned woman, who’d just walked back in. 

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to- sorry!” Solitude said, reaching out her hands and taking Babbitt. “I was chasing my frog and- sorry!” 

The woman looked at her very, very carefully, and then said, “It’s alright. That’s a fake, anyway.” 

“Fake what?” Solitude turned to look at the statue, as the woman knelt to put it back. “It looks like a snake, but there are those little claw-shapes there, suggesting hands.” 

“Well, it’s a replica, made by my foster-brother-in-law’s sister-in-law. Just in case we need to switch out.” 

“Switch out what?” 

The woman glanced down at Solitude, smiling and brushing the young girl’s hair back; it had fallen a little from her hat. “It’s a long story, and you probably have work to do. I’m sure you have more important things to get to.” 

“I dunno.” Soli shrugged. Her siblings were probably fine, and she loved a story. 

That’s when they heard a clang below them. 

_ WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! _

“Shit, I need to move.” the woman muttered. She patted Babbitt on the head and said, “You should probably head out. Hide your frog a bit better, alright?” 

“Yes, ma’am.” Soli giggled, though she looked a bit disappointed when the woman placed the bag back under the bed. 

“Do you want me to walk you somewhere? I can help-” 

“I’ll be fine. My siblings are waiting for me.” 

The woman narrowed her eyes. “Wait. Are you… who I think you are?” 

Solitude blinked. This woman couldn’t know her; Soli didn’t recognize anything about her, except the record currently playing. She hesitated, and then pointed to the record, saying, “That’s a pretty song.” 

The woman smiled slightly. “It is, isn’t it? Do you know the name?” 

“Do you?” 

The woman laughed. “Alright, little concierge. You go find your family.” 

As she opened the door, she and Soli startled to see a bellboy running up. “Ma’am,” he said to the woman, “She’s doing it _ again.” _

“Really?” the woman sighed. “Okay, sweetheart, you run along. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to find my wife before she can fistfight Geraldine Julienne in the lobby.” 

Sunny toddled over to the restaurant, knocking on the door and shouting, “Here!” 

The door opened, and Sunny found herself looking up at a familiar face- Hal. 

_ Shit. Hope he doesn’t remember we stole his shit and got framed for burning his library. _

“Concierge.” Sunny said, very slowly. 

“Ah, yes.” Hal adjusted his glasses. “I did just ring for you. Please come, the manager requires some assistance.” 

“Manager?” Sunny cocked her head. “Frank or Ernest?” 

“Interesting question. Follow me, please.” 

Sunny toddled after Hal into the room, and she bounced with delight as she saw the restaurant around them and smelled the food. “Indian?” she asked. 

“Yes.” he nodded. “Come with me to the kitchen.” 

Sunny perked up, incredibly interested. She couldn’t wait to see a professional kitchen, and once she entered, she was excited to see several pots and pans and ovens and stoves, but a little disappointed to see the place was half-filled with steam, so it was hard to see anything else. 

“Ah! Hal!” a manager came up, smiling over at the man. “You found the concierge! Wonderful! Now, if you will, help distract anyone else who tries to come in the kitchen. We don’t want to be eating crow tonight.” 

“Crow is a tough meal to cook,” Hal nodded, “Especially if there are mushrooms on the menu.” 

Sunny’s eyes widened. 

“Concierge, please follow me.” the manager said. “I need someone to help me in Room 025, the laundry room. We’ll take the service elevator, it’s much faster, then we’ll come right back up when we’re done to check on Hal.” 

He led her to the side of the room, where he pressed a button, and a small door opened. “Cool!” Sunny said. 

“Yes, very.” the manager smiled. 

He let Sunny press the button for the basement, and they went down several floors, with Sunny giggling and wondering if it would be a good idea to press all of the buttons, like their father had shown them how to do. Their mother had thought it was inane, but allowed them to do it after their father pointed out that she’d shown them how to do magic tricks at breakfast. 

Down in the basement, the manager led Sunny down a hall, where he handed her a mechanical device she vaguely recognized- Violet had described it to her on the _ Queequeg, _ as the lock that had held back the headquarters in the mountains. 

“Can you please fasten this to the door?” he said. “I need four hands, and while your hands are particularly small, they should do the trick.” 

Sunny held one edge of the heavy device, as the manager helped her lift it towards the door, placing it against the edge. Its spidery legs spread, and the manager said, “Very good! Have you done this before?” 

“No.” Sunny said. 

“Well, let me tell you something.” the manager leaned down to look her in the eye. “It’s very important that you keep this room secure. I think you can trust you, if you’re who I think you are. Are you who I think you are?” 

Sunny blinked, considering. “Friend?” she finally said. 

The man smiled. “That’s good enough. Alright, let’s go back up. I’m sure you have more work to do.” 

_WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!_

“Okay, so, does any of this make sense, or am I just like… super sleep deprived?” Violet asked. 

When the bells stopped ringing as frequently, and night fell, the children sat on the sofas of the empty lobby. Babbitt slept on Solitude’s leg, and she sat on Nick’s lap, giggling as he wrapped his arms around her and put his chin on her head. 

“Okay, let’s go over this one more time.” Lilac said. “Esme Squalor is planning a cocktail party on Thursday, which our coworkers are making poison for.” 

“Carmelita Spats wants a harpoon gun that Olaf wants her to use.” Violet added. 

“They invited Nero, Remora and Bass.” Nick said. 

“And someone else invited Jerome and Charles.” Klaus said. “And Frank or Ernest wanted me to hang birdpaper out of the window.” 

“Trabarse,” Sunny said, which meant, _ “And Hal is here, possibly a Volunteer, and working with either Frank or Ernest.” _

“And meanwhile, I didn’t run into anyone important.” Solitude said. “So you all are just… _ super _unlucky.” 

“All of us are unlucky, Sol, you’re no exception.” Violet joked. 

“I mean, she coulda been important.” Nick said. 

“She’s just a weird jazz lady with a reptile statue.” Solitude said. “And a wife who likes to fight reporters.” 

“Is that the one that got kicked out?” Nick asked. “Or was that the other woman who fought Geraldine Julienne?” 

“She is not a popular lady.” Solitude said. 

“Plumber,” Sunny said, which meant, _ “Yeah, but she writes those shitty articles from _ The Daily Punctilio _ about us, so she deserves it.” _

“I thought that was Ms Poe.” Soli said confusedly. 

“God, we’re getting off-topic again.” Lilac groaned. “Guys, we _ need _ to figure this shit out. Focus.” 

“Okay, so. Why would Esme wanna poison our fucking teachers? They’re not VFD.” Violet said. 

“Though they are apparently bank robbers.” Klaus said. 

“Just Ms Bass, I think.” Nick shrugged. 

“Maybe they stole Esme’s shit.” Solitude suggested. 

“That’s not how banks work.” said Klaus. 

Solitude gave him a look. “How should I know that? I’m three fucking years old.” 

“Solitude!” Lilac snapped, out of habit. 

The young girl flipped her off, and Babbitt chirped defensively. 

“What if they are VFD?” Nick said. 

“Nero’s not smart enough for that shit.” Violet said. 

“Could be a cover.” Klaus said. 

“No,” Nick sighed, “Volunteers wouldn’t be smart enough for that kind of cover.” 

“Mor,” Sunny decided, which meant, _ “We’re all going to die.” _

“Likely.” Lilac said. “Not only do we have to piece _ this _ all together, we still have, like, _ everything _ else to process.” 

“I’d rather not process, thank you.” Klaus said. 

“Klaus Louis Baudelaire, are you suggesting that we have not been having a good time?” Nick said. 

“I’m not gonna be any help, I’m still processing that our parents were in a cult.” Violet said. 

“Secret organization.” Klaus said. 

“No, Nick’s right, this whole ‘VFD’ thing is shady as shit.” 

“I mean,” Nick said, considering, “The whole ‘VFD’ thing _ totally _ explains that weird-ass letter they sent us from Europe.” 

“What?” Lilac narrowed her eyes. 

“You remember?” Nick said. “When they went to Europe for, like, two weeks, and sent us that fucked-up letter about how they loved us and that even if life sucked we’d always have each other and all that bullshit?” 

Lilac, Violet and Klaus groaned. “Oh, _ fuck, _ you’re right!” Klaus said. 

“That makes so much sense now.” Lilac said. 

“We were so weirded out, we were convinced they got a concussion or something.” Violet said. 

“I feel like _ we _ got a concussion.” Lilac sighed, leaning back. “None of this makes sense.” 

“Kit warned us.” Solitude shrugged. “She said all wouldn’t go well, which was a great vote of confidence.” 

“She was right. We each observed separate stories, but we can’t make sense of them.” Nick said. 

“Elephant.” Sunny said. 

Lilac gave her a look. “What?” 

“Elephant.” Sunny repeated. “John Godfrey Saxe.” 

“Oh.” Her siblings’ faces fell as they remembered their father’s favorite poem, which he’d recite to them whenever he was in a whimsical mood; several blind men tried to describe an elephant, but they only described the parts they felt, leaving them with an incomplete image of the creature. 

“None of us have seen the entire puzzle.” Violet said. 

“Nobody could.” Klaus said. “There’s a mystery behind every door at the Hotel Denouement, and nobody can be everywhere at once, observing all the volunteers and villains.” 

At that moment the clock chimed again- _ WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG- _

Before the fifth _ WRONG! _had sounded, Violet gasped. 

“Holy _ shit.” _she said. “Holy shit, we- I just realized something!” 

“As did I.” Klaus said, sitting up straight. “I think I figured out where the damn Sugar Bowl is.” 

“Okay, you go first.” Violet said, staring at the clock in wonder. 

“Crows.” Klaus said. 

“Wha?” Solitude asked. 

_ “Carrier _ crows. Like Duncan and Isadora and Nick used.” Klaus said. “Hal and the manager said they’d be eating crow- and Esme was birdwatching-” 

“Carmelita’s going to shoot the birds, so they drop the bowl.” Lilac’s eyes widened. 

“They’re going to poison everyone who knows about the Sugar Bowl so they can’t follow them.” Nick said. 

“On Thursday, before the trial can happen.” Solitude said. 

“Why not now?” Sunny asked. 

“They want to kill all the Volunteers, who won’t _ be _ here until Thursday.” Klaus said. “And Frank or Ernest had me hang birdpaper to catch the crows.” 

“Where would the bowl land? The paper?” Nick asked. 

“Not if it fell.” Klaus said. “It would go into the pond.” 

“No.” Sunny shook her head. “Laundry room.” 

“How would it get there?” Klaus asked. 

“The funnel.” Lilac said. “Laundry rooms usually have funnels to the outside.” 

“This one does.” Sunny nodded. “I saw.” 

“It would fall into the laundry room, which Sunny helped Frank or Ernest lock.” Klaus said. 

“But was it Frank or Ernest?” Solitude asked. 

“Okay, _ there’s _the thing.” Violet said, looking at the clock and smiling again. “I don’t think it was either.” 

“Fucking excuse me?” Nick said. 

“Listen.” Violet said. “One of the managers had Klaus hang birdpaper from the window, right?” 

“Yes.” Klaus said. 

“And one of them had Sunny lock the door, right?” 

“Ye.” Sunny said. 

“And this was at the same time, because you heard the clock?” 

“Yeah, move on.” Lilac said. 

“Okay, _ but,” _ Violet said, _ “I _was with one of the managers at the same time, getting Carmelita her harpoon gun.” 

Nick narrowed his eyes. “But that’s impossible. There’s only two of them.” 

“Are we sure about that?” Violet smiled. “Were there only two Quagmires?” 

They stared at her. “Are you implying that-” Klaus began. 

“The Denouements aren’t twins.” Nick said. 

Violet nodded. “They’re triplets.” 

That’s when they heard a clatter from above them. 

They looked up, seeing a small rope, swinging from the ceiling, and at the top, a figure, descending as it unraveled. Lilac jumped to her feet first, watching him carefully as he got closer to them, and Solitude tucked Babbitt into her pocket again. He landed within a few moments, and they could see very clearly that he was one of the two- no, _ three- _managers. 

“Good evening, Baudelaires.” he said. “Forgive me for not revealing myself earlier, but I had to be sure that you were who I thought you were.” 

“And I believe you’re who we think you are, too.” Lilac said, pushing a stray hair from her face. “You’re not Frank or Ernest. You’re the third Denouement.” 

“That’s right.” the man smiled. “Kit told me you’d be smart. I’m Dewey Denouement.” 

“So, like,” Nick said, standing up and picking up Solitude, “You guys are triplets? We’re not gonna find a secret fourth or anything, are we?” 

Dewey laughed a little. “No, it’s just me, Nick. And you’re the Baudelaires. I used to be great friends with your father; I thought I heard you mention that elephant poem, that was one of his favorites, wasn’t it?” 

“John Godfrey Saxe!” Sunny nodded, lifting her arms so Klaus could pick her up. 

“Follow me, Baudelaires.” Dewey gestured towards them, and walked towards the door. 

Nick flinched, looking like he wanted to argue, but after a moment, he shut his mouth and grabbed Klaus’s arm, and the Baudelaires followed the manager out of the hotel.


	26. in which the harpoon is fired

**CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX**

_ in which the harpoon is fired _

By the front of the pond, Dewey said, “I was really hoping you’d show up soon. Kit said she wasn’t sure when she could pick you up.” 

“If you’re a Denouement,” Nick asked, giving him a curious glare, “Why don’t we know about you?” 

“I stay hidden in the hotel. Frank and Ernest get all the attention, while I hide in the shadows and wind the clock.” He gave the Baudelaires an enormous sigh, and scowled into the depths of the pond. “That’s what I don’t like about VFD. All the smoke and mirrors.” 

“Oh, there’s a lot more to hate about your fucked-up-” Nick began. 

“Smoke?” Sunny asked. 

“Smoke and mirrors,” Klaus explained, “Means ‘trickery used to cover up the truth.’” 

“Before the schism,” Dewey said, “VFD was like a public library. Anyone could join us and have access to all the information we’d acquired. Volunteers all over the globe were reading each other’s research, learning of each other’s observations, and borrowing each other’s books. For a while it seemed as if we might keep the whole world safe, secure and smart.” 

“That must have been wonderful.” Lilac said. 

“I wouldn’t know.” Dewey said. “I was four years old when the schism began, scarcely tall enough to reach my favorite shelf in the family library- the books labeled 020. But one night, just as our parents were hanging balloons for our fifth birthday party, my brothers and I were taken.” 

“Taken where?” Violet asked. 

“By whom?” Sunny asked. 

“Well,” Nick said, very darkly, glaring daggers at the pond, “Take a wild fucking guess.” 

Dewey followed Nick’s gaze. “The woman who took me said that one can remain alive long past the usual date of disintegration if one is unafraid of change, insatiable in intellectual curiosity, interested in big things, and happy in small ways. And she took me to a place high in the mountains, where she said such things would be encouraged.” 

“The Headquarters in the Valley of Four Drafts.” Violet said. 

“Did your parents miss you?” Lilac asked hesitantly. 

“They perished that very night in a terrible fire.” Dewey said. “I don’t have to tell you how badly I felt when I heard the news.” 

The Baudelaires sighed, and then Nick said, “Yeah, a little suspicious, isn’t it? Your parents burned to death the same night VFD saw fit to drag you all out.” 

Violet nodded grimly, while Lilac and Klaus gave Nick careful looks, and Solitude and Sunny gasped quietly. Dewey scanned him with his eyes. “You would get along with Ernest.” he said finally. 

“I don’t get along with a lot of people, especially not people from your-” Nick shut his eyes, breathing deep. “I hope you don’t expect to recruit us, it’s a bit hard to drag us by the ankles out of our home when it’s been ash for a few months now.” 

Dewey didn’t meet his eye. “With each generation, the schism gets worse, and there are less noble places and less noble people.” 

“Or maybe that’s just your bullshit propaganda.” Nick hissed. 

“Nick, please-” Lilac began. 

“I’m not letting this cult bullshit us anymore, Li. They want us to die for their fucking Sugar Bowl without telling us anything about it, they kidnap kids for their recruits, they-” Nick shut his eyes, and Solitude gave him a soft hug. 

“I understand your hesitation, Nick.” Dewey said. “After what happened to you-” 

“You could have done something.” Nick said. 

“I’m afraid we couldn’t, and I’m sorry.” Dewey said. “But everyone is like the men in the elephant poem. We only have fractions of the truth. But hopefully, Thursday, that will all change.” 

“How?” Klaus asked, glancing at Nick and also starting to look concerned. 

“At long last,” Dewey said, “All of the noble people will be gathered together, along with all the research they’ve done, all the observations they’ve made, all the evidence they’ve collected, and all the books they’ve read. Just as a library catalog can tell you where a certain book is located, this catalog can tell you the location and behavior of every Volunteer and every villain. For years, while noble people wandered the world observing treachery, my comrade and I have been right here gathering all the information together. We’ve taken every crime, every theft, every wicked deed, and every incident of rudeness since the schism began, and catalogued them into an entire library of misfortune. Eventually, each crucial secret ends up in my catalog. It’s been my life’s work. It has not been an easy life, but it has been an informative one.” 

“So you’re, like, a librarian taken to the max.” Violet said. 

Dewey smiled a little. “Your parents used to call me a sub-sub-librarian, because my library work has been largely undercover and underground. Every villain in the world would want to destroy this evidence, so it’s been necessary to hide my life’s work away.” 

“That’s gotta be a huge fuckin collection.” Nick said, still looking incredibly skeptical. “Where could you hide something that big?” 

“Right here.” Dewey said. 

Sunny understood first. “Pond!” she said. 

“Exactly!” Dewey said. “The truth has been right under everyone’s noses, if anyone cared to look past the surface. The real last safe place is where the sign is not backwards- at the bottom of the pond, in underwater rooms. Our enemies could burn the entire building to the ground, but the most important secrets would be safe.” 

“Then why are you telling us this secret?” Solitude asked. 

“Because you should know.” Dewey said. “You’ve wandered the world, observing more villainy and gathering more evidence than most people do in a lifetime. Who better than you to keep the world’s most important secrets?” 

Nick tensed up, and Lilac said, “What do you mean?” 

“After Thursday, you won’t have to be lost at sea anymore, Baudelaires.” Dewey said, smiling at them. “I hope you decide to make this your permanent home. I need a mechanical genius who can repair anything that comes her way, and someone with an inventive imagination who can improve on the aquatic design of the catalog. I need someone with the heart of an explorer who and a researcher who can work together to expand the catalog until it is the finest in the world, and a herpetologist who can advance her field of interest. And, of course, we’ll need to eat, and I’ve heard wonderful things about Sunny’s cooking.” 

Nick was stone silent, as Sunny grinned over at the sub-sub-librarian. Then, Violet asked, “The people at the hotel. Did you call them?” 

“Yes. The Noble people of this world have been looking to help you for some time, Baudelaires.” Dewey said. “People just as noble as you.” 

“We’re not noble.” Lilac said. 

“We’ve caused misery wherever we went.” Violet nodded. 

“You’re noble enough, Baudelaires.” Dewey said. “That’s all we can ask for in this world.” 

Lilac shut her eyes to keep herself from crying. Violet and Klaus grabbed onto each others’ arms, and Solitude and Sunny leaned on shoulders. 

Quietly, Nick said, “Sure, we’re noble enough. But are you?” 

Before Dewey could answer- if, indeed, he heard him- a taxi drove up. The Baudelaires jumped, but Dewey said, “Don’t worry, children. It’s an associate.” 

“Who?” Sunny asked. 

Just then, a woman stepped out of the taxi. “Thank you,” she said to the driver, “My suitcases are already here.” 

They recognized her voice immediately. 

“Justice Strauss!” they all cheered, even Nick, and they raced forwards. 

“Baudelaires!” Justice Strauss beamed, rushing towards them as the taxi left. She held out her arms, and Lilac reached her first, throwing herself at her and hugging her as tight as she could. Violet came next, and soon everyone was clinging to the Justice as if she was the last stable thing. 

“Justice Strauss!” Lilac started to cry, and Violet said, “How did you find us?” 

“Oh, I’ve been looking for you for so long!” Justice Strauss said. The children pulled away to look at her, and she said, “As soon as that dreadful banker took you away, I knew I had done the wrong thing, and when I heard the dreadful news about Dr Montgomery, I began searching for you. Eventually I found other people who were also trying to battle the wicked villains of this world, but I always hoped I would find you myself, if only to say how sorry I was.” 

“You were looking for us.” Violet repeated joyfully. 

“You were trying to help.” Klaus said. 

Nick’s face flickered. “You… met other people? Are you a… a Volunteer now?” 

“You could say that.” Dewey came up behind them, smiling. “She has helped us immeasurably. She has reported the details of your case to the other judges in the High Court, and done critical research on injustice.” 

“Whenever I looked for you, Baudelaires, I found selfish plots to steal your fortune.” Justice Strauss said. “I wrote us a book to help with the trial- _ Odious Lusting After Finance _ chronicles the history of greedy villains, treacherous girlfriends, burgling bankers, and all the other people responsible for injustice.” 

“All of them?” Nick asked, adjusting his hold on Solitude. 

“Wait,” Violet interrupted, “What do you mean it will help with a trial?” 

“That’s what we’ve been trying to tell you.” Dewey said gently. “VFD has researched an entire catalog of Olaf’s treachery. On Thursday, Justice Strauss and the other judges of the High Court will hear from each and every one of our volunteers. All of the villains will finally be brought to justice.” 

“You’ll never have to hide from Olaf again,” Justice Strauss said, “Or worry that anyone will steal your fortune. You just have to wait for the trial, and all your troubles will finally be over.” 

“Well,” said a familiar and very unwelcome voice, “Wouldn’t that be something?” 

The Baudelaires tensed up, and immediately, Nick let out a small scream. Lilac pushed him behind her before she could turn around, and the group saw, as they did, the very villain they were discussing, standing at the edge of the pond. He looked around to give the orphans a wicked smile. 

“Count Olaf.” growled Justice Strauss, putting one hand on Violet’s shoulder and one on Klaus’s, pulling them a bit closer. 

“Isn’t this touching?” Olaf smiled wickedly, his eyes darting between the children. “I finally have you orphans in my clutches.” 

“We’re not in your clutches, rat bastard.” Violet said. “We’re just standing in roughly the same area.” 

“That’s what you think, orphan,” Olaf said, “But I’m afraid that man is one of my associates. Ernest, hand them over.” 

“I’m not Ernest.” said Dewey. 

“Alright, then, Frank, hand them over.” 

“I’m not Frank, either.” 

“You can’t fool me!” Olaf took a step forwards. “I wasn’t born yesterday! You’re one of those idiotic twins!” 

“Triplets. Triplets run in my family, not twins.” Dewey said. “I’m Dewey Denouement.” 

“No, you’re not.” Olaf said. “Dewey Denouement is a myth, like unicorns or Giuseppe Verdi.” 

“For the love of _ God,” _Klaus snapped, “Giuseppe Verdi is an operatic composer!” 

“Silence, bookworm!” Olaf ordered. “Children should not speak while adults are arguing. Hand over the orphans, adults!” 

“Nobody’s handing over the Baudelaires!” Justice Strauss said, and with that, she pushed Violet and Klaus behind her, reaching forwards to grab onto Nick and Lilac, too. “You have no legal right to them or their fortunes!” 

“I would suggest you watch yourself.” Olaf said with shiny eyes. “I have associates lurking everywhere in this hotel.” 

“So do we.” Dewey said. “Many Volunteers have arrived early, and within hours the streets will be flooded with taxis carrying noble people here to this hotel.” 

“How can you be sure they’re noble people?” Count Olaf asked. “A taxi will pick up anyone who signals for one.” 

“These people are associates of ours,” Dewey said fiercely. “They won’t fail us.” 

“You can’t rely on associates.” Count Olaf said. “More comrades have failed me than I can count. Why, Hooky and what’s-her-face double-crossed me just yesterday and let you brats escape, and then stole my submarine!” 

“Good for her.” Sunny said, almost unfazed, too furious at Olaf to feel much fear at the moment. 

“We can rely on our friends more than you can rely on ours.” Violet said. 

“Can you?” Olaf gave them another awful grin. “Can you, really? How many people have failed you again, Baudelaires? Including that woman right there? How many people have you thought you could trust who couldn’t help you? How many people _ refused _ to help you?” 

Nick shuddered, and shouted, “It’s not their fault! It’s yours! Everything is _ your _fault!” 

“Really? I thought I told you, Nick,” Olaf said, in a dark voice, “Exactly whose fault it was.” 

Nick stepped forwards, shouldering past Lilac, though he stayed far back enough that Solitude wouldn’t be in danger. “What they did doesn’t matter. You made your own choices, and you chose to be a murderer, a thief, a pedophile and a monster. They didn’t make that choice for you, and I don’t want to hear your _bullshit_ anymore!” 

The Baudelaires and Justice Strauss looked to him in confusion. “What are you talking about?” Violet said. 

Nick bit his lip. “It doesn’t matter. Don’t listen to him.” 

“Ah, so there are some things you haven’t told them.” Olaf smiled wickedly. “Just as there were things your parents never told you.” 

“Our parents were _ noble _ people.” Lilac snapped. 

“Really?” Olaf raised his eyebrow. “You think that, Lilac?” 

Nick growled, “Say one more word and I will rip your throat out.” 

“Nick.” Justice Strauss looked shocked; she’d never seen the boy sound so violent, or look so enraged. 

“Why don’t you ask Dewey to tell you, then?” Olaf said. “Ask him what your parents did at the opera with their poison darts.” 

Dewey flinched back, just as Nick said, “Lilac, hold Solitude, I’m going to take out his vocal chords first.” 

Lilac stepped forwards to take her, before they heard a call of, “Oh, don’t ask Frank that stupid question. I’ve got a better one.” 

They looked to see Esme emerging from the hedges, flanked by Hugo, Colette and Kevin, with Carmelita dancing around them, waving her harpoon gun like a baseball bat. 

“Fuck, Esme, tell her not to wave that around. We don’t want to waste harpoons.” Olaf said. 

“I won’t waste harpoons! I’m too adorable!” Carmelita said. 

“And I don’t want to waste time, darling, like you have.” Esme strutted past Olaf, glaring down Dewey. “We wanted to talk about the Sugar Bowl. Carmelita shot down the stupid crow with the harpoon gun Violet gave her.” 

“You brought her that harpoon gun?” Justice Strauss asked. 

Violet looked to her, panic flitting across her eyes. “I had to perform concierge errands as part of my disguise. What else could I do?” 

“I hit two crows!” bragged Carmelita. “Now Countie has to teach me to spit like a real ballplaying cowboy superhero soldier pirate!” 

“Don’t worry, dear, he’ll teach you.” Esme said. “Won’t you, Olaf?” 

“Whatever.” Olaf sighed. 

“Anyway,” Esme said, “The crows fell onto that birdpaper- who hung that out the window again?” She turned to her minions behind her. “One of you talked to Ernest, right?” 

“That would be Klaus.” Kevin said. 

“Klaus, you hung the birdpaper?” Justice Strauss asked. 

“Ernest told me to.” Klaus said, grabbing onto Violet’s hand. “I had to obey him as part of my disguise. What else could I do?” 

“The crows hit the birdpaper and dropped the Sugar Bowl.” Colette reported. “And it fell down this weird funnel thing.” 

“A laundry chute.” Esme sighed. “Everyone knows that, freak.” 

“Don’t call them freaks!” Lilac said. 

“But they _ are.” _Esme said. 

“Why do you _ stay _ with her?” Violet asked, moving forwards to put a hand on Nick’s shoulder. “You could be noble people.” 

“Not really.” Hugo said. “Nobody will ever accept us.” 

“Of course they will.” Dewey said. “You still have a choice.” 

“So do you, Frank.” Esme said. “Tell me where the Sugar Bowl is, or die.” 

“That’s not a choice, and I’m not Frank.” 

“Fine,” Esme said, “You have a choice, Ernest. Tell me where the Sugar Bowl is-” 

“Dewey.” Sunny said. 

Eme blinked at her. “What?” 

“Yes,” Olaf said, looking very annoyed that Esme had taken his spotlight, “Apparently he’s real, not like Verdi.” 

“Is that so?” Esme turned slowly to him. “Someone has really been cataloging everything that has happened between us?” 

“It’s been my life’s work.” Dewey said. 

Esme’s face darkened, and she took one threatening step forwards. “Then you know all about the Sugar Bowl, and what’s inside. You know how important that thing was, and how many lives were lost in the quest to find it. You know what it means to Volunteers and Firestarters alike.” She pointed one, painted-silver fingernail at Dewey. “And you know,” she said in a terrible voice, “That it is _ mine.” _

“Not anymore.” Dewey said. 

“Beatrice stole it from _ me!” _

“There are worse things than theft.” 

“There certainly are.” Esme growled, and her eyes flickered to Nick. “Aren’t there?” She stepped back, and said, “Tell me how to open the door to the laundry room, or this little girl will harpoon you.” 

“I’m not a little girl! I’m a ballplaying cowboy superhero soldier pirate!” Carmelita said. “And I’m not going to shoot any more harpoons until Countie teaches me how to spit!” 

“You’ll do what we say, Carmelita,” Olaf growled. “I already purchased that ridiculous outfit for you, and that boat for you to prowl the swimming pool. Point that weapon at Dewey this instant!” 

“Teach me to spit!” 

“Point the weapon!” 

“Teach me to spit!” 

“Weapon!” 

“Spit!” 

“Weapon!” 

“Spit!” 

With a raspy roar, Count Olaf roughly yanked the harpoon gun out of Carmelita’s hands, knocking her to the floor. “I’ll never teach you how to spit as long as I live!” he shouted. 

“Darling!” Esme gasped. “You can’t break your promise to our darling little girl!” 

“She’s a spoiled baby!” Olaf said. “I never wanted a brat around anyway! It’s about time she was shown some discipline!” 

“But discipline is Out for darling little girls such as her!” Esme said, as Colette moved to help Carmelita to her feet. 

“I don’t care what’s Out and what’s In!” Olaf cried. “I’m tired of having a girlfriend obsessed with fashion! All you do is sit around rooftop sunbathing salons while I run around doing all the work!” 

“If I hadn’t been on the roof, VFD would have gotten the Sugar Bowl, and I was guarding-” 

“Nevermind what you were doing!” Olaf said. “You’re fired!” 

“You can’t fire me! I quit!” 

“Well, you can leave by mutual agreement.” 

At that moment, Solitude said, “Can we _ please _ just leave now? Babbitt needs to pee.” 

“For fuck’s sake,” Olaf turned, pointing the harpoon gun at Dewey, “We’ll make this fast so we can all leave. Tell me how to open the Vernacularly Fastened Door and search the laundry room!” 

“You won’t find the Sugar Bowl in the laundry room.” Dewey said. “The lock is a decoy.” 

“Decoy?” Olaf said. 

“How do you not know what a decoy is, you piece of fuckshit?” Nick asked, reaching back to grab Klaus’s hand. 

“Of course I know what a decoy is, Baudelaire!” Olaf hissed. “But if the lock is a decoy, then the sub-sub-librarian won’t mind telling me how to open it.” 

“Sure.” Dewey said, though Lilac glanced towards him and realized he was only trying to sound calm. “The first phrase is a medical condition that all six Baudelaire children share.” 

The Baudelaires exchanged a look. 

“The second phrase is a weapon that left you an orphan, Olaf.” Dewey said. 

Nick stared very hard at his feet. 

“And the third,” Dewey said, “Is not the chorus of _ Row Your Boat.” _

At that, Nick gasped. He shot up and said, “You _ know? _ You… you _ know! _And you’re still with them!” 

“Don’t you understand by now?” Olaf hissed. “They don’t think as much as they claim they do.” 

Nick whipped towards him. “You’re no better, shithead! And I don’t give a shit how fucked up they all are, if it means they can kill you and set your corpse on fire!” 

“And none of this matters!” Olaf said. “I don’t have time to examine the Baudelaires! If I don’t hear the exact phrases used to open the lock by the count of ten, I will fire this harpoon gun and tear you to shreds!” 

“Are we still here for this?” Carmelita asked Esme, looking bored. “I want to go play in the mud.” 

“Just one moment, darling, Mommy’s watching a Volunteer die.” Esme said. 

At that, Lilac turned to her siblings, just as Olaf counted, _ “One!” _ They all shared a look of agreement, even Nick, who was occasionally glancing at Olaf with contempt. _ “Two!” _

“Stop, in the name of the law!” Justice Strauss said. 

_ “Three!” _

“Stop!” Lilac shouted, and the Baudelaires immediately raced in front of the adults, shielding Dewey themselves. 

“If you want to kill Dewey, you’ll have to kill us!” Violet shouted. 

“Or put gun down!” Sunny said. 

“I wouldn’t mind harpooning you either, orphans.” Olaf shrugged. _ “Four!” _

“You’ll never get our fortune.” Klaus said. 

Count Olaf blinked, but did not move the gun. _ “F-Five!” _

“And,” Nick added, as each Baudelaire took a step closer to him, “I feel like this would be pretty shitty revenge, wouldn’t it?” 

_ “Six!” _

They took another step, and Solitude said, “You have a choice now, bastard. You can choose not to be wicked.” 

“I feel like calling him a bastard won’t help things, Soli.” Lilac muttered. 

“We call each other names all the time.” Solitude shrugged. 

_ “Seven!” _

“You can choose not to pull the trigger!” Klaus said, as they took another step. 

“Please.” said Sunny. 

_ “Eight!” _

They took one step closer. 

_ “Nine!” _

One last step, and then the Baudelaires put their hands on the ice-cold harpoon gun. They tried to pull the weapon out of Olaf’s hands, but their first guardian did not let go, and for a long moment the youngsters and the adult were gathered around the terrible weapon in silence. Lilac looked at the dart, pointed right at her and her siblings, while Violet looked at the trigger Olaf held. Nick looked at the man, almost daring him, while Klaus looked at the gun itself, the weapon created to harm and destroy now held in the hands of someone who would use it for that purpose. Solitude put a hand over her pocket and stared at the man in front of her, and Sunny looked into Olaf’s eyes for even the smallest sign of nobility. 

“What else can I do?” the villain asked, so quietly the children could not be sure they heard him correctly. 

“Give us the gun.” Lilac said. 

In that instant, they heard a loud cough behind them, and in that instant, everything changed. 

In shock, Count Olaf thrust the gun into the hands of the Baudelaires. Unable to handle the weight, they felt the gun slip from their hands and clatter against the stone. 

The trigger _ clicked, _ and the harpoon shot out. 

“What’s going on?” Mr Poe demanded, looking ahead. “I heard people arguing. What in the world- Baudelaires?” 

The Baudelaires didn’t even notice him. 

Their eyes were only on the harpoon lodged in Dewey Denouement’s chest. 

“Kit.” he whispered, and then, as the other adults stepped away in shock, he fell into the pool. 

_ “Dewey!” _

_ “DEWEY!” _

The six Baudelaires raced to the pool, ignoring shouts that came from around them and from the hotel. 

They dropped by the pool, just in time to see Dewey sink into its depths. 

Nick shocked his siblings by letting out a shrieking cry. He stumbled back, holding a wailing Solitude close to his chest in case she fell. Lilac screamed, too, and Klaus dropped to the ground, numb, as Sunny let out a sob in his arms. Violet stumbled back, shaking her head. “He’s fine.” she said. “He’s fine, he’s fine…” 

“What’s going on?” came a voice. 

“I heard a shot!” came another. 

Lights flickered on, doors and windows swung open, and people started to gather. 

“Who are those figures?” 

“Is that a body?” 

“We should observe everything carefully!” 

“I disagree! We should intrude!” 

“Call the authorities!” 

“Call the concierge!” 

“Call the manager!” 

“Call my wife!” 

“Mob psychology.” Sunny whispered into Klaus’s shirt. 

At that moment, Justice Strauss ran to them. “Baudelaires, get up.” she said quickly. “We’re getting you somewhere-” 

“We killed him.” Violet said, her voice blank. 

“He…” Nick looked to be in shock. 

“Who are they?” shouted someone; the Baudelaires realized that guests had started to flock out of the hotel. 

“They’re the murderous orphans from _ The Daily Punctilio!” _

“They must have killed that man!” 

“No.” Nick trembled, stepping back, looking for Olaf, but he and his associates had vanished into the crowd. 

“Now, now! Don’t jump to conclusions!” Justice Strauss stepped towards the crowd, blocking them as she spoke. “Now, listen. If we all sit down and discuss this-” 

Lilac clung to herself and shook so hard her hat fell from her head, and her bun, which was loosely tied to begin with, fell as well, letting her hair waterfall over her. Violet slowly moved to her, helping her to her feet, just as Sunny looked over. 

“Taxi.” 

They looked up, seeing a taxi pull into the lot. 

“Should we leave?” Klaus asked, shakily standing up. “They won’t believe us.” 

“They might.” Violet said. 

“They won’t.” Nick said. “They’ll just make things worse.” 

“But what good would running do?” Solitude said. 

“Is it Kit?” Lilac asked, still shaking. 

They watched as someone got out of the drivers’ seat; a man, his face covered by the shadow of a hat. Curious, and unsure of what else to do, the Baudelaires stepped closer to him, so that they were far enough away that nobody in the crowd could hear their conversation. 

They looked up at the man, finally able to see his face, and Nick completely froze over. He was so still that Solitude, for a moment, thought he’d literally turned into a statue. His eyes went wide, staring hard at the man as he said, “Do you Baudelaires need a ride?” 

“How do you know us?” Lilac asked, putting an arm around Violet. 

The man looked at her sadly. “That’s the wrong question.” 

Nick’s eyes darted from Lilac to the man and back again and back again, and he opened his mouth and closed it, as if he kept wanting to say something, thinking better of it, and then deciding again to try and speak. Solitude put an arm around him, but he didn’t seem to notice. 

“I can take you far away from here.” he said. “Away from villainy and injustice. I can’t promise a safe or easy life, but I can promise you won’t have to face all of this.” They watched him some more, and then he said, “That is, if you are who I think you are. Are you who I think you are?” 

The Baudelaires, still shaking, looked to each other, except Nick, whose gaze now adjusted to also darting to the ground instead of just the driver and Lilac. They were still trembling, and still in shock, and still trying to process not only what had just happened, but what had happened over the last several months. 

Finally, Sunny said what they were all thinking. “We don’t know.” 

The man sighed, and then Lilac said, “Nick, are you okay?” 

He shook more, and said, “Li, I…” and then he trailed off and shut his eyes. 

“Baudelaires?” they turned, seeing that Justice Strauss was calling them. The crowd was starting to go inside, and she was watching them. 

“You can still come with me.” the man offered. 

Lilac looked to her siblings, who looked to her, and then each other. 

Then she shook her head at Violet, who shook her head at Nick and Klaus, and while Nick just shut his eyes and shivered, Klaus shook his head to Soli, who shook her head to Sunny. 

“Thank you.” Violet said. 

“But we can’t run forever.” Klaus said. 

“We wish you well Mr…” Lilac realized he hadn’t given a name, and when the man didn’t answer her, she put her hand in Violet’s, and they walked away. 

Klaus followed, carrying Sunny. Nick turned to go, and then paused. Slowly, he put Solitude on the ground and said, “I’ll be right there.” 

Solitude gave him a concerned look, but knowing he needed space, she nodded and raced after their other siblings. 

Nick turned to the taxi driver, and they met each others’ eyes, and they both knew what the other knew.

Slowly, Nick pulled a photo from his pocket, and held it out to the man. 

“It’s her.” he said. 

And when the man took the baby picture, Nick turned and left without another word.


	27. in which Nick finally spills

**CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN**

_ in which Nick finally spills _

Justice Strauss ushered the Baudelaires to the elevator as fast as she could, asking them to keep their heads low. As they got in, she said, “Now, Frank just contacted me- I believe it was him, as he had Count Olaf in custody. He’ll be brought to trial, and everything will be alright.” 

“It won’t be.” Lilac said, as Violet clenched her hand tight. “We killed someone.” 

“Oh, Baudelaires,” Justice Strauss said, “It was an accident, and we’ll show that. You can trust the law, children.” 

Nick looked the least convinced out of any of the children, which was saying something, as they all looked as skeptical as they could. 

When the elevator stopped, Justice Strauss escorted them to a room, where she said, “Now, Frank or Ernest arranged this for you. He’ll arrive in the morning to take you to trial.” 

“In the morning?” Violet said. 

“Yes, due to Dewey’s… well, the trial’s been rushed a bit.” 

“Our trial or Olaf’s?” Klaus asked. 

Justice Strauss didn’t answer. “I’m afraid I have to ask you to stay in this room. They’re an adjoining bathroom, if you need it, and a book on law if you want to read. I’ll have Frank or Ernest deliver tea in the morning.” 

“So we’re being kept here?” Violet asked. 

“It’s for your safety.” Justice Strauss said hesitantly. “Please go inside, Baudelaires.” 

Slowly, the children stepped inside, and Solitude let Babbitt out onto the floor when the door swung shut. They heard a _ click, _ and Klaus said, “She locked us in.” 

“Maybe we deserve to be locked in.” Violet shuddered. 

“Accident.” Sunny said. 

“Our fault.” Solitude said. 

Nick shook more, and he went to go sit on one of the beds- there were only two provided, but he didn’t look like he’d be getting much sleep. He looked like he was about to break down again. Klaus sat beside Lilac on the other bed, while Sunny and Soli curled up on the floor, hugging each other. 

Violet moved over to Nick, sitting beside him. “You still have your markers?” she asked quietly. 

He nodded, pulling out the pack. He pulled back his sleeve, and then started to write instead of draw. 

_ Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. _

_ Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. _

_ Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. _

Violet didn’t say anything, she just sat beside him for a while and put a comforting hand on his knee. 

“What are we going to do?” Lilac shivered. 

“We’ll figure something out.” Klaus put his head on her shoulder. “There’s always something. And maybe justice will finally prevail.” 

“Or maybe we’ll all die.” Solitude said. 

“We’ll be okay.” Violet said, as Nick drew another _ Sorry. _“So long as we’re together.” 

“Diviso?” Sunny asked, which meant, _ “What if they try to split us up?” _

They all looked to each other, and then Lilac said, “Then we kill them all and run. Nobody is going to break our family apart.” 

“Never again.” Violet agreed, putting a hand on Nick’s knee. 

“I’m not leaving any of you.” Nick shut his eyes. 

“Never.” Klaus agreed. 

“Never.” Solitude said. 

“Never.” Sunny said. 

Lilac shut her eyes. “I promise. I will protect you. Even if I have to set this world on fire.” 

“And we feel the same for you.” Violet said. 

Nick took a deep breath, and then said, “We always will, Lilac. Please remember that.” And then he put his marker away and said, “Li?” 

“Yes?” 

He shut his eyes. “We need to talk. Alone.” 

Lilac shut her eyes, too, steadying herself. Then she said, “Okay. Klaus, get started on that law book, maybe there’s something that will help us. Violet, you and Nick take the beds, the girls can take the chair, I’ll take the floor.” 

“You take the bed. Carpet looks nice anyway.” Violet said, glancing cautiously at Nick. “Are you sure you don’t want to tell all of us?” 

He nodded. “Just Lilac. And no eavesdropping, please.” 

They nodded; while, as siblings, eavesdropping on each other was something they used to do often, they understood that this was a conversation to be taken in confidence. 

Nick stood up, and Lilac said, “We’ll go to the bathroom and close the door. It might be small-” 

“I’ll be okay.” Nick said, shaking slightly. 

Lilac took his hand and led him to the adjoining room, and she closed the door. Nick stepped away from her and met her eyes, and then stared at her in silence for about a minute, struggling to find words.

Lilac took a deep breath, pushing her hair back. “It’s okay, Nick. You can say whatever you need to say.” 

Then Nick started to cry, and he whispered, “I’m sorry.” 

“What? No! No, you don’t have to be sorry for anything.” 

“I should have told you.” Nick put his hand on his mother’s necklace, blinking away tears. “But I could never… could never find the time. Find the right… and I should have told you, but I…” 

“Nick, it’s okay-” 

“You needed to know first.” Nick backed up as Lilac tried to grab his hand. “It’s your decision who else has to know, so… but there was so little time we could talk alone, and when… when there was, I just… couldn’t say…” 

“Nick?” Lilac was starting to get worried. “What are you talking about?” 

He took a deep breath. “You know I… learned a- a lot of things while I was… captured. And… they were true.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Lilac blinked at him. “What does this have to do with me-” 

“The taxi driver.” Nick said. 

“What about him?” 

Nick took a deep breath. “I know who he was.” 

“Oh?” Lilac stiffened. “Why? Did he hurt you?” 

“No. I… He…” Nick took a deep breath. “His name was Lemony Snicket.” 

Lilac cracked a smile. “Oh my God, his name’s _ what?” _

“Lilac.” 

“Who names a kid _ Lemony?” _

“Lilac!” 

“Sorry, sorry, just… is he Kit and Jacques’s brother?” 

Nick hesitated. “Yes.” 

“Okay.” She still didn’t get it. “What does that have to do with us?” 

Nick stared at the ground. He didn’t know how to say it, he _ couldn’t _ say it. _ Please, Lilac, please just don’t feel different. You’re not. You’re our big sister. _

“Nick?” 

He finally looked up at her, tears in his eyes, and met her gaze. 

“He’s your Dad.” 

Lilac was silent for what felt like hours, but was likely only a few seconds. Then she laughed. “Nick? What are you talking about?” 

“He… he’s your biological Dad.” 

Lilac shook her head, not processing. “The hell are you talking about? That wasn’t Dad. We’d’ve recognized him.” 

“Because he’s not Bertrand Baudelaire, he’s Lemony Snicket.” Nick said, and his voice broke. “He dated Mom, Lilac. They were engaged before she married Dad.” 

Slowly, it started to dawn on her what he was saying. “What?” 

“I should’ve told you… I should’ve told you that was your _ Dad _ before you decided to leave… you- we could’ve gone with him, and I’m _ sorry-” _

“No.” Lilac shook her head. “No, Nick, this isn’t funny.” 

“I _ know _ it’s not!” 

“They were lying. Whoever told you-” 

“Dickhead told me, yeah, but the Quagmires confirmed. We checked the timeline, Li, and the information they found on Snicket, and-” 

“No. No, you’re _ wrong.” _Lilac stepped back, shaking her head, her hair flying, as Nick’s tears got more and more frequent. 

“Lilac! He was engaged to Mom just a couple _ months _ before she and Dad got married-” 

“No!” 

“Do the _ math, _ Lilac! How soon after their wedding were you born?” 

Lilac shut her eyes. She had done the math, of course she had. “So Mom and Dad messed around before they got married. People do it! It doesn’t mean-” 

“They broke off their engagement almost exactly nine months before you were born, Li.” 

“No.” she shook her head. “Mom would’ve told me- this isn’t real.” 

“We checked the _ dates, _Li!” 

“No! They wouldn’t have- Mom and Dad wouldn’t- they would've _told me-"_

“You look like him, Li! Did you notice he has the same eyes as you?” 

_ “No!” _

“Lemony Snicket has been on the run and faking his death since he broke up with Mom, and he just showed up and- and I should’ve-” 

_ “Stop it!” _ Lilac shouted, throwing her hands over her ears, as if blocking out his words would make them not true. “Nick, _ stop it! This isn’t funny!” _

“I’m not _ joking, _ I would never _ joke _ about this!” Nick was full-on sobbing now. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry I didn’t tell you and- and you didn’t get the chance to meet your Dad-” 

“He is _ not _ my Dad! _ Bertrand Baudelaire _ is my father and he always was!” 

Nick shut his eyes. “Yes. Yes, you’re right. He’s your Dad. But you’re half-Snicket, Li, that’s-” 

“No! _ No! No! No!” _

“Lilac, please-” 

_ “No! I’m your sister! I AM!” _

Nick froze and then the tears increased. “Of course you are! You’re our sister, you’ll always-” 

“You’re telling me I’m- I’m only _ half _ family!” 

“You are our _ sister!” _ Nick ran forwards, grabbing her hands, ignoring when she tried to yank them away. _ “You are our big sister! You always will be! _It doesn’t matter what- but you need to know-” 

“He’s _ not my Dad! You’re my brother!” _

“I am! I _ am-” _

_ “I’m your sister! I’m a Baudelaire! I’m not his daughter! I’m a- I”m-” _Lilac finally burst, and she collapsed to the floor, sobbing. Nick threw himself down, hugging her as she wept and shook and screamed and refused to believe a single thing he told her. 

“I’m sorry.” he said. “I’m _ sorry. _ But you had to know.” 

“I’m not… I’m your _ sister!” _

“You are.” He wrapped himself more around her. “You always have been, you always will be, and nothing will change that.” 

“Why…” she shut her eyes, and then she cried, “Why would you _ tell me?” _

Nick held back more tears. “It was better you heard it from me than somebody else.” 

“Please… it’s not funny…” 

“I know.” 

They heard a soft knock on the door, and then Violet’s muffled voice. “Are… are you okay? We heard shouting.” 

Lilac’s eyes widened in panic, and she looked to Nick. He met her gaze, and then said, “You don’t have to tell her. It’s your choice who knows.” 

Lilac shook again, and then she called, “We’re fine. Be right out.” 

“Promise?” 

She held back another sob. “Promise.” 

As soon as she was sure Violet was gone, Lilac turned back to Nick and started to cry again. She put a cold hand on his cheek, just staring at her little brother for a moment, and then she hugged him tight again. 

“I’m sorry.” he said again, and they said nothing more. 

They left the bathroom when Lilac stopped crying, and Nick laid down on the second bed and refuse to get up. Lilac wordlessly accepted Violet’s request to take the first, but she barely slept. Violet and Klaus both passed out on the carpet, with Klaus still pressed against a book, and Solitude and Sunny fell asleep on a chair, with Babbitt snoring on the armrest. 

Around one in the morning, Lilac sat up and said, “You’re not asleep, are you?” 

Nick rolled over and shook his head. After a moment, he asked, “Do you want to talk about it?” 

Lilac bit her lip and shook her head. 

“Okay.” 

They were silent, and then Lilac said, her voice low, “I’m your sister.” 

“Yes.” 

“I’m a Baudelaire.” 

“Yes. Nothing will change that. Ever.” 

They fell into silence again, and then Lilac rolled back over in her bed, curled up, and tried to sleep. 

When morning finally came, they heard a knock on the door, and Lilac got up to answer it, still shaking and not quite sure what was going on anymore. 

As her siblings got up, she opened the door and blinked at either Frank or Ernest. Her heart sank in her chest, and she said, “Hello.” 

“I’ve brought you supplies.” he said blankly. He handed her first a small case, and then a tray of tea. “There are blindfolds in that case.” 

“Blindfolds?” Lilac asked, as the others moved over curiously. 

“Everyone wears blindfolds at a High Court Trial, except the judges, of course. Haven’t you heard the expression ‘Justice is blind’?” 

“Yes,” Klaus said, “But that just means justice should be fair and unprejudiced.” 

“The verdict of the High Court was to take the expression literally, so everyone except the judges must cover their eyes before the trial can begin.” 

“Scalia.” Sunny said, meaning, _ “It doesn’t seem like the literal interpretation makes any sense.” _

“I also brought tea.” Frank or Ernest said. “I’m sorry there’s no sugar.” 

Violet hung her head. “We are, too.” 

“Not really.” Nick admitted, though he was staring at the ground. 

“I’ll give you time to change, and then escort you to trial.” the manager said. 

He turned to go, and then Solitude said, “We’re sorry.” 

He paused, and then turned, watching them curiously. They all looked over at him, all showing him, with their eyes, that they felt the same. 

He left, and Lilac slowly put the suitcase onto the bed, flipping it open. Inside were six blindfolds, and underneath, six neatly folded outfits. 

“There’s a note.” Violet said. She took the paper and read, “I hope these fit. I know you’ve grown since I’ve seen you last. -Justice Strauss.” 

“It looks just like my favorite dress.” Lilac said numbly, picking up the one meant for her, covered in black lace. 

“They’re beautiful.” Violet picked up her purple dress, and then picked up the outfits to hand to Soli and Sunny. 

Nick picked up his outfit; it looked just like the one he’d just lost, Justice Strauss must have realized that it was his favorite. He felt it, and then said, “It’s not the same. It doesn’t feel like home.” 

Klaus bit his lip as he picked up his suit. “Nothing will.” 

They looked to each other, and then Lilac reached forwards and grabbed Violet and Klaus’s hands. She opened her mouth to say something, but her words died before they emerged. 

Violet smiled and squeezed her palm. “We’ll be okay. Justice will prevail.” she said. 

“And if it doesn’t…” Solitude said, as she and Sunny each hugged one of Lilac’s legs, “We’ll do what you said. We’ll stay together.” 

“Together.” Nick grabbed Klaus’s hand, and looked to Lilac. 

Lilac stared at them all, tears at the edge of her eyes. 

“Together.”


	28. in which Everything Goes to Shit

**CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT**

_ in which Everything Goes to Shit _

It was a bit hard to walk down the hall blindfolded. 

Frank or Ernest took Lilac’s hand to lead her down the hall, and she took Violet’s, who took Nick’s, who took Klaus’s, who took Soli’s, who took Sunny’s. They stumbled down, hoping very much that they wouldn’t run into anything, and the manager wouldn’t lead them off the stairs without warning. Thankfully, he managed to get them into the elevator, and he found the button for the ground floor so he could lead them down. They stumbled out into a large crowd, and they gripped very tightly onto each others’ arms so they couldn’t get separated. 

“Attention!” Justice Strauss yelled over the noise, beating onto wood with a gavel. “Attention everyone! The trial is about to begin! Everyone _ please _ take your seats!” 

“We can’t see shit!” Nick shouted. 

“Feel around with your hands!” Justice Strauss said. “Move to your right. Further. Further. Further. Furth-” 

“Ow!” 

“Not that far. There! Sit! Now the rest of you do the same!” 

It took several minutes for everyone to find their seats- the Baudelaires sat beside each other somewhere in the front row, while Frank or Ernest wandered off somewhere, seemingly able to find his way just fine. 

“Alright! You may remove your blindfolds briefly!” 

“Why couldn’t we have done this five minutes ago?” Nick grumbled as he removed his blindfold, and then leaned over a struggling Klaus to help Solitude with hers. 

“You see,” Justice Strauss announced, as Solitude helped Sunny with her blindfold, “Justice may be blind, but evidence must be seen to be believed. You will put the blindfolds back on for the verdict.” 

“That makes no sense.” Klaus said. 

“Nothing makes sense, Klaus, get used to it.” Lilac sighed. 

“I am.” he groaned. 

Justice Strauss pounded her gavel. “All rise for the High Court Judges, myself and my esteemed colleagues.” 

She gestured up, and as they stood, the Baudelaires could see two distant figures, several floors up and leaning over the railing. 

“Why are they so high up?” Solitude asked. 

“The High Court decided to interpret their name literally.” Justice Strauss said. “You may sit.” She waited a moment for everyone to take their seats before continuing. “Now, it has come to the attention of the High Court that certain wicked deeds have gone unpunished, and that this wickedness is continuing at an alarming rate. We planned to hold a trial on Thursday, but after the death of Mr Denouement, it is clear we should proceed earlier, in the interests of justice and nobility. We will hear what each witness has to say and determine once and for all who is responsible. The guilty parties will be turned over to the authorities, who are waiting outside to make sure nobody will try to escape.” 

Lilac slowly reached over to squeeze Violet’s hand as she glanced around the crowd, trying to decide if they had a good chance or not. 

“Count Olaf, our defendant, is seated in his own box where he can’t sneak out the back.” Justice Strauss said. 

“Yes,” Olaf said, and the Baudelaires snapped their heads to the side, seeing that he was in a small area against the wall, “As if I’d do anything so treacherous.” 

“The High Court and I have already looked over my evidence,” Justice Strauss held up a large book, entitled _ Odious Lusting After Finances, _ “And now all that is left is to hear from the defendants. Baudelaires, you are our first witnesses. I call you to the stand.” 

Slowly and shakily, the Baudelaires got to their feet, with Nick and Klaus helping Soli and Sunny down. Babbitt hopped from Soli’s pocket to her shoulder, nuzzling up against her for comfort. The twins helped the youngest children onto the edge of the bench before seating themselves, while Lilac and Violet sat at the other end. 

“Please state your names.” Justice Strauss said. 

“Lilac Emily Baudelaire.” 

“Violet Malina Baudelaire.” 

“Nick Liam Baudelaire.” 

“Klaus Louis Baudelaire.” 

“Solitude Theodora Baudelaire.” 

“Sunday Theo-dora Bau’elaire!” 

Justice Strauss smiled slightly, despite herself. “Occupations?” 

“Mechanic.” 

“Inventor.” 

Nick took a moment to respond. “E-Explorer?” 

“Researcher.” 

“Herpetologist!” 

“Chef!” 

“I object!” Olaf called. “Their proper occupations are ‘orphan, or inheritor of a large fortune.’” 

“Witnesses cannot object.” Justice Strauss sighed. “I caution the defendant about speaking out of turn.” 

“I caution the defendant about speaking at all.” Nick said, in a very low voice, so only his siblings could hear. 

“Baudelaires,” Justice Strauss said, “You have traveled a great distance and suffered a great deal, but now it is finally time for you to tell your story. We want you to tell us everything.” 

The siblings, all sitting as close to each other as they could, clasped hands very tightly. They looked out into the crowd; they recognized some faces, and some faces they didn’t. Some might listen to them, and some may not. Nick was shaking, and Sunny was biting her lip, and Soli leaned onto Klaus’s arm. They knew that most of the people here were Volunteers, and some were Firestarters, and some had just been caught up in the crowd to enjoy the show. They knew, from what Nick had implied, that the Volunteers could not help them, and from experience that the Firestarters definitely wouldn’t, and nobody else was reliable. 

It was just them. But maybe that was all they needed. 

“It began one gray and cloudy day.” Lilac said, her voice choked up; she still looked dazed, and she carefully moved her hand away from Violet to push back her braids. “Our… _ our _ parents let us take the trolley down to Briny Beach to spend the day, so long as we were home for supper.” 

“We were testing an invention Klaus and I had worked on.” Violet whimpered. “It worked.” 

“That’s when we saw a figure coming from the fog.” Lilac said. 

“It was Mr Poe.” Nick said, spotting the banker in the crowd. “He told us…” 

After several seconds of torturous silence, Klaus said, “He told us our parents had perished in a terrible fire.” 

“He sent us to live with that bastard over there, if the Court will pardon my figurative use of the term.” Nick said, giving Olaf a death glare. 

“We went to live with Count Olaf, who…” Violet took a deep breath. 

“Who decided he wanted to make our lives miserable.” Solitude said. 

“Sertam!” Sunny said, which meant, _ “He gave us one bed and forced us to work for him!” _

“He struck Klaus across the face!” Lilac shouted, her voice breaking. 

“He tried to marry Lilac!” Klaus said. 

“He kidnapped Sunny and Soli and stuffed them in a birdcage to die!” Nick said. 

“He poisoned Uncle Monty and pushed Aunt Josephine to the leeches!” Violet started to cry. 

“He hypnotized Klaus and tried to force him to kill someone!” Solitude added. 

“Kidnapped the Quagmires!” Sunny said. 

“Yes,” Violet breathed slow, “He kidnapped the Quagmire triplets from Prufrock Prep!” 

“He teamed up with Esme Squalor and…” Nick trailed off, his eyes staring into nothing. 

Klaus grabbed his arm. “And they kidnapped Nick.” 

Nick flinched at Klaus’s touch, and started to cry. “They broke me.” he said, barely audible to the courtroom. “They… I can’t even say what they did! I couldn’t _ function! _I… I still can’t even…” he shut his eyes and leaned onto Violet’s shoulder. 

“He hid them in the Village of Fowl Devotees.” Violet continued. 

“He murdered…” Lilac bit her lip. “He murdered Jacques Snicket!” 

“Framed us!” Sunny added. 

“He kidnapped Violet in the Heimlich Hospital!” Klaus said. 

“He drugged her and tried to cut off her head!” Lilac cried. 

“He pushed Madame Lulu to the lions!” Solitude said. 

Nick cried, “He kidnapped Sunny and forced us to help him set Caligari Carnival on fire!” 

“He tried to push us off a cliff!” Violet said. “He almost threw Sunny off the waterfall!” 

“Him and his horrible associates kidnapped the Snow Scouts!” Klaus said. 

“He captured the _ Queequeg _ and tried to let Soli die!” Lilac shouted. 

“He would have done worse if we hadn’t fought _ back!” _Violet screamed. “He would have killed us if he had the chance!” 

“He could have done such terrible things!” Nick was sobbing now, gripping tight onto his siblings. 

“He _ is _ what is wrong with the world.” Klaus said. “He would have killed all of us. He would have assaulted our sisters. He would have torn us apart just because he’s sick.” 

“He’s a _ monster.” _Lilac said. 

They all turned to look at Olaf, who didn’t even look uncomfortable. They wanted him to be uncomfortable. They wanted him to be _ scared. _They wanted him to know that they were done with his bullshit, no matter what happened at trial. They were never letting him run their lives again. 

“And he’s gone unpunished because nobody listened.” Solitude said, frustration ebbing in her voice. 

“Everywhere we went,” Violet turned back to the crowd, her siblings following, “We tried to tell people! We tried to tell them he was following us! We tried to tell them he was after us!” 

“But they didn’t listen!” Klaus said, tears falling down his face. 

“Nobody _ would listen!” _Violet’s voice broke as she also started to cry. 

“Nobody!” Nick shouted. “Not a _ single one of you! _ Or anyone outside! Nobody did anything just because we were _ children!” _

Sunny and Soli were crying, too. “Audit,” Sunny said, meaning, _ “People never listen to children.” _

Violet reached up to wipe her eyes, as she said, her voice cracking so much she could barely get the words out, “We lost _ everything.” _

What Lilac did next took only a few seconds, but it felt so much longer for Lilac as she turned and looked at her siblings. Gripping to each other, holding each other. 

They’d saved each other. More than she could count. 

Violet had come up with the plan for her to write with her left hand, and Nick and Klaus had freed the infants. They’d split up to prove Uncle Monty’s murder, and Solitude had released the reptiles to keep them from being caught by Count Olaf. Her and Klaus had figured out Josephine’s note, after she had gotten them out of dinner with Captain Sham, and then Violet and Nick sailed the boat, and she and Violet made a signal. They’d worked together to unhypnotize Klaus and the mill workers, and they’d worked together at Prufrock, and they’d worked together to try and save the Quagmires at 667 Dark Avenue; Sunny had crawled up an elevator shaft by _ herself, _ for fuck’s sake. Then in the Village, when they’d first made her promise to never sacrifice herself again, they’d worked together to decode Isadora’s poems, escape jail, and free the Quagmires, while Sunny and Soli drove them out of town. They’d taken care of Nick, who fought his trauma so much in order to help them. He was so brave, braver than he knew. They’d all saved Violet in the hospital, they’d all saved each other from the lion pit. They’d rescued Sunny from the slope while she discovered the last safe place, and they’d all saved Soli after the grotto, after breaking out of a brig. They’d sailed to Briny Beach, and infiltrated Hotel Denouement, and now they were still here. Still standing. Still alive. 

In those few seconds, Lilac realized something. 

Her siblings had grown up. And she was okay with that. 

But she realized something else, too- they were her siblings. _ Hers. _ And nothing- _ nothing- _ could take that from her. 

It was only a few seconds after Violet had said, “We lost _ everything,” _before Lilac reached over, and grabbed her hand again, squeezing it tight and letting Violet collapse on her shoulder. 

And then Lilac said, her voice breaking as she spoke, “Except each other.” 

Nick watched her, and then announced, “We survived only because we knew we would stay together.” 

“We knew we had each other.” Klaus said. 

“And we knew that one day,” Solitude said, “Olaf would be gone.” 

“Whether he’d be dead in a ditch or rotting in prison,” Lilac spat, “We would one day be free.” 

“And we could move on.” Violet said. “And never have to fear for our lives again.” 

“Because we’ve been _ terrified.” _Nick admitted. 

“We’ve almost died, and we’re only alive because of each other.” Klaus said. 

“And everything,” Sunny turned to glare at Olaf again, “Was because of him.” 

“The world will _ never _ be safe,” Klaus spat, “Until he is somewhere where he can never hurt anyone again.” 

“And only _ then,” _ Lilac finished, “Could we finally… go back to being _ people, _ and not fugitives or outlaws or _ orphans. _ Please.” She turned to the court, and begged, “We can never go back to who we were. But we would like to have _ peace, _ just for a little while.” 

They all fell silent, and the room felt very cold, very uncertain, and very frightening. So they held onto each other, holding onto the only warmth left in the world. 

“Thank you, Baudelaires.” Justice Strauss said quietly. “You may take your seats.” 

They stood up, with Nick lifting Solitude and Violet moving to lift Sunny, and then they walked back together, holding their heads high and ignoring the stares and whispers and chills. They sat again in the front row, still holding onto each other and refusing to let go. 

“And now,” Justice Strauss said, a hint of resignation in her voice, “Count Olaf is called to the stand.” 

Frank or Ernest stood next to Olaf to lead him to the stand. He didn’t look concerned, which was still worrying.

“He should be scared.” Klaus said quietly. 

“Why isn’t he?” Lilac said. 

“Maybe he’s pretending.” Violet said. 

“We all know he’s not that good of an actor.” Klaus said. 

Justice Strauss, contempt behind her eyes, said, “State your name.” 

“Count Olaf.” said Count Olaf. 

“Occupation?” 

“Impresario.” 

Klaus turned to his siblings and said, “We need to make sure he doesn’t lie again. Doesn’t cover up the truth.” 

They all nodded, and Nick gripped Solitude tighter. “Go.” he whispered. 

Klaus got to his feet, and he said, “Justice Strauss? I would like to question the witness.” 

Lilac jumped up to stand beside him._ “We _would like to question the witness.” 

Justice Strauss looked surprised, as the crowd continued to whisper. “Witnesses questioning a witness is not very normal.” 

“According to a book on criminal law I recently read,” Klaus said. “A witness may question another witness if they’re acting in loco advocatus.” 

“In the role of an attorney.” Nick translated for Sunny and Soli. 

Justice Strauss looked very pleased. “I see you’ve kept up your legal studies. Very well. Baudelaires, the floor is yours.” 

Lilac grabbed onto Violet and Klaus’s hands, and Nick clung to Klaus’s arm. They stepped up closer to the man, furious at the audacity he had to look smug. 

“Well, well, well.” he said. “You have some questions for me?” 

“We don’t need to know anything from you.” Lilac spat. “But we want to make sure you don’t lie your way out of this.” 

“Why, I’ve never told a lie in my life.” 

_ “That’s _a lie.” Klaus said. 

“You can’t prove that.” 

“Oh, for the love of-” Lilac elbowed Nick before he could swear again in front of an official courtroom. 

“All you’ve done is lie.” Violet spat. “And steal and murder and assault and threaten and be a giant piece of- garbage.” 

“Trash.” Solitude agreed. 

“Shit.” said Sunny. 

“Have I?” Olaf raised his eyebrow. “And you think these people,” he gestured to the crowd, “Are going to lock me up? Put me away so you can go back to playing dolls?” 

“You’re a murderer,” Lilac said, “And these people are here to deliver justice.” 

“Do they, though? Do they deliver justice? They’re my associates.” Olaf said. 

“No, they’re not. There are Volunteers, Villains and sane people here.” Nick said, his voice low, his eyes on the wall so he didn’t have to look at Olaf, and arms gripping tightly onto Solitude, who was glaring at Olaf for him. 

“Really?” Olaf smirked darkly, and he scanned the crowd. “Because it seems to me that everyone here has helped me more than they helped you.” 

“Shut up.” Violet said, narrowing her eyes. 

“Look around, orphans!” Olaf said, standing up on the witness stand. “I see a banker who cares more about a promotion than six children, and only came here to investigate a stupid bank robbery.” 

“Vice President of Orphan Affairs!” Poe said. 

“I see two men who were too afraid to protect you.” Olaf gestured to Jerome and Charles, and then to Hal, “And a librarian who believed that you would intentionally destroy his life’s work just because I said so.” 

_ “Stop _it.” Klaus said, gripping onto Nick. 

“I see a vice principal who let me into his school the second I stroked his ego,” Olaf said, “And the teachers who didn’t care enough to stop him. I see rich people who only cared about you because you were In, villagers who only took you in to do their chores, and _ volunteers-” _he spat the word- “whose complicated codes and pretentious literary references are useless against the real treacheries of the world.” 

Then he turned to Justice Strauss, and said, “And presiding over us all, a justice so blind she let me marry you!” Lilac flinched back. “These so-called _ decent people _ have done more to help my schemes than _ any _ of my associates. _ They _should be up here right now.” 

“They’re not.” Nick spat. 

“You are.” Klaus said. 

“And _ so _ are you.” Olaf turned his gaze to each of the six children in turn. “Tell me, who broke into my suitcase and stole one of my sailboats?” 

“You’re a villain, and we had to prove that.” Violet whimpered. 

“Who caused all the destruction at the Lucky Smells Lumbermill?” 

“He was hypnotized, you-” Nick began. 

“Who tried to break into jail, then broke out again, and stole a firetruck from the Village of Fowl Devotees?” 

“You were going to _ burn us _ at the _ stake!” _Klaus shouted. 

“Who set Caligari Carnival on fire?” 

“You took Sunny!” Lilac said. 

“Who kidnapped Esme Squalor and held her hostage with intent to injure?” Olaf smirked. “Who did that?” 

Nick snapped, “Who did that to _ me, _ asshole? You had our sister and I _ knew _ what the hell you could have done to her, so we did _ what we had to!” _

“And that’s what everyone does, orphans.” Olaf said darkly. “What they think they have to. You did what you thought you had to. You have relied on treachery for survival, just like everybody else. Because here is the real truth no one is willing to tell you! There are _ no _ noble people in the world! Not even your stupid _ fucking _ parents!” 

Lilac took a deep breath, tears at the edge of her eyes, and then she said, “What part of torturing us was what you thought you had to do? What _ part _of that?” 

Violet gripped her hand and nodded. “We may have done what we could to survive, but you did what you did because you’re a monster.” 

“Anyone can see that.” Klaus said. 

“And if they don’t…” Nick shut his eyes and hugged Solitude. “At least we will.” 

Olaf gave them a look. “You think you can justify this to yourselves? Anyone can justify anything to themselves.” 

“And you can justify the horrrible things you’ve done,” Nick snapped, his voice rising, “Just because of _ what our fucking parents did? _ We didn’t do jack_shit _ to you son of a _ bitch!” _

The Baudelaires all froze, and then Olaf said, “Does that mean you told them, my dear Nick?” 

Nick’s eyes widened. “I-” 

He turned, in a panic, to Justice Strauss, who was incredibly confused, but caught onto his distress quickly. She banged her gavel, which caused everyone to jump, and she shouted, “That is _ enough! _ Frank- or Ernest, or- whoever! I have one more question for the witnesses and defendants before they return to their seats and we discuss sentencing. Beginning with _ you, _Count Olaf-” she glared at him, and said, “Are you guilty or innocent?” 

Olaf’s eyes widened in mock surprise. “I’m unspeakably innocent.” he said. “I’m so incredibly innocent that the word ‘innocent’ ought to be written on my face in capital letters. The letter I would stand for ‘I’m innocent.’ The letter N would stand for ‘nothing wrong,’ which is what I’ve done. The letter A would stand for-” 

_ “That’s not how you spell innocent!” _Klaus snapped. 

“I don’t think spelling counts.” Count Olaf grumbled. 

“Spelling counts.” said the judge. 

“Well, ‘innocence’ should be spelled O-L-A-F, and that’s the end of my speech.” Olaf said. 

Justice Strauss sighed, and then said, “Baudelaires. Now you. Are you guilty or innocent?” 

The Baudelaires all hesitated, looking to each other, the rest of the room melting away as they did. They had done good things, for good reasons, and bad things, for bad reasons, and mixtures between those. They were not noble people overall, they knew that. Nobody was. 

But next to Olaf? 

“We’re comparatively innocent.” said Lilac. 

“Alright.” Justice Strauss said. “Everyone please return to your seats and replace your blindfolds. It is time for the High Court to review their decision.” 

The children shuddered as they returned, and Nick and Violet helped the youngest children with their blindfolds. Ernest or Frank led Olaf to his seat, and after a silent moment, the kids heard Justice Strauss _ hmm. _

“Bene?” Sunny asked. _ “Is that good?” _

There was another _ hmm, _a bit louder. 

“Justice Strauss?” Klaus asked, playing with his fabric. 

_ “Hmm!” _

Then they heard another voice, one they recognized immediately, as an aura of menace descended over the courtroom. 

“Do not worry about Justice Strauss. She is simply eating sour candy. Keep your blindfolds on.” 

“Man with beard!” Solitude shouted, and Babbitt let out a nervous chirp. 

The children grabbed each other, and Violet said, “What should we do?” 

“Peek!” Sunny said. 

“If we peek, we’ll be guilty of contempt of the court!” Klaus said, feeling Nick tremble beside him. 

“Everyone keep your blindfolds on, we are deciding on our verdict!” said the woman with hair and no beard. 

Lilac took a deep breath. “Maybe this court desserves contempt.” 

They all threw off their blindfolds, and gasped. Count Olaf was dragging Justice Strauss down from her podium, a gag over her mouth and a harpoon gun pointed to her neck. Rope hung from the higher floors, and the man with a beard but no hair and the woman with hair but no beard were standing beneath them, watching with some interest. 

“The Baudelaires have removed their blindfolds!” shouted the woman. 

“Everyone!” Violet shouted. “Count Olaf has escaped!” 

“He’s kidnapped Justice Strauss!” Nick screamed at the top of his lungs. 

“Don’t listen to the Baudelaires!” said the man. “They’re guilty of contempt of court!” 

“The High Court has been infiltrated by Firestarters!” Lilac said. 

_ “We _are the authorities!” said the woman. 

“You can’t _ trust _the authorities!” Klaus shouted. 

“Strauss!” Sunny said, pointing, as she was dragged away. 

Charles got to his feet. “I believe the Baudelaires! They’re noble people!” 

“I don’t believe them!” said Esme, jumping up from the back. “They tried to ruin my cocktail party!” 

“Is that still a thing?” Hugo asked. 

“They’re good children!” Jerome said. 

“They’re bad students!” Nero said. 

“They’re murderers!” said someone who might have been from the Village of Fowl Devotees. 

“They’re readers!” said a Volunteer. 

“They’re cakesniffers!” said Carmelita. 

“They’re children!” 

“They’re murderers!” 

“They’re orphans!” 

“We don’t have _ time _for this!” Solitude shouted. 

“Later, bitches!” Lilac shouted, and they spun on their heels and ran after Count Olaf. 

Behind them, everyone was in disarray. Shouting and jumping up and trying to decide if it was worth it to believe them. Nobody thought to just look. Nobody ever looked. 

Olaf had dragged Strauss into an elevator, as she clutched _ Odious Lusting After Finances. _He pressed a button to shut the door, but to everyone’s surprise, Klaus leapt forwards and pushed the doors back open. 

Olaf raised his eyebrow. “Going somewhere?” he said. 

“Wherever the _ fuck _ you’re going, bastard.” Violet said. 

Olaf watched them curiously, but did not move as the children ran into the elevator, just as the doors slammed shut. 

The elevator shot down to the basement, and as it did, Nick and Violet leapt onto Olaf, pummeling him with their fists and trying to rip Justice Strauss away. Olaf shouted, and Lilac and Klaus immediately jumped help, managing to pull Justice Strauss out of his grip as Soli and Sunny screeched and started biting at his ankles, with Babbitt jumping over to the judge so they didn’t get squashed. The siblings had been waiting for this a long while, and they weren’t going to waste time. 

Justice Strauss ripped her gag off, and said, “Baudelaires!” 

Lilac ripped his arm back, grabbing for his harpoon gun, while Violet kicked him in the shins and Nick and Klaus just started hitting anything they could reach. “Stupid! Mother! _ Fucker!” _Klaus shouted. 

“We are going to fucking _ kill _you!” Lilac said. 

“Piece! Of! _ Shit!” _Violet said. 

“Bite his foot off, girls!” Nick encouraged. 

“Death!” Solitude shouted. 

“Fucker!” Sunny said. 

For the few minutes they were shooting down to the basement, they thought that maybe they could win. Lilac was close to wrestling the harpoon gun out of his grasp, so they could stab him with that, and once he was dead or dying, they could find some way out. Justice Strauss could clear things up, or they could go on the run. Anything would be better than letting the bastard live. 

And then Olaf kicked out, knocking Sunny and Soli across the elevator. Lilac gasped, momentarily distracted, and Nick leapt to grab them, which gave Olaf enough room to rip something from his belt. 

They all had an incredibly delayed reaction to what he did. Until the doors opened, they’d all frozen over, just staring as Olaf wrenched himself away, straightened up, darkly let his knife shine under the dim light, and once again pointed the gun at Justice Strauss. 

But then Lilac looked down at the blood on her dress, and the doors dinged, and their brains started working again. 


	29. in which Sunny turns to Arson

**CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE**

_ in which Sunny turns to Arson _

“No.” Violet gasped. 

“No!” Nick shouted. 

_ “Lilac!” _Klaus screamed. 

For a few moments, Lilac didn’t feel anything, and she was unsure why her siblings were so concerned, or why her dress was red, or why they’d all stopped fighting Olaf. And then, as soon as she realized what had happened, she felt… hot. Too hot. Holy shit, holy shit, she was on fire, she was on _ fire, _who set her on fire? There wasn’t a fire, was there? Then why was she so… 

Klaus and Violet ran forwards, grabbing their sister as she lost her balance and collapsed. They helped her up, stumbling out of the elevator, while Nick gripped tightly to a screaming Sunny and Soli and lifted them up to follow. Justice Strauss let out a gasp and a shriek, dragged into the hall by Olaf, who lowered his harpoon gun only enough to put his bloody knife back into his pocket. 

Violet knelt beside Lilac, ripping her sister’s ribbon from her pocket and stretching it out. She was about to cry, looking ahead; there was a long strike against her eldest sister’s stomach, and a large line from where Olaf had swung his knife. It was bleeding too much, it was too big… 

“Klaus, you know how to patch a wound?” Violet asked, her voice breaking. 

Lilac opened her mouth to speak, but instead she just let out a cry as Klaus grabbed her hand, dropping to the ground. “We don’t have enough supplies!” 

“Will the ribbon stop the bleeding?” 

“You’ll have to tie it really tight-” 

“Lilac!” Solitude sobbed, as Babbitt hopped over to the eldest Baudelaire, chirping worriedly. 

“Li!” Sunny screamed, and then she whipped around to glare at Olaf, who had pushed Justice Strauss to the door ahead of them. “Bastard!” she screeched, trying to throw herself out of Nick’s arms, but he pulled her back, terror flashing in his eyes. He’d frozen again, fallen silent again, and now he was backing up, holding his younger sisters as tight as he could, refusing to risk Olaf hurting them, too. 

“You son of a bastard _ bitch fuck!” _ Klaus shouted, as Violet pushed Lilac up slightly to put some of the ribbon behind her. “I _ will _kill you!” 

“Klaus-” Lilac began. 

“Shh.” Violet said. “Don’t talk. Klaus, hand me the other end of the ribbon.” 

“If you children are quite done with your dying sister,” Olaf said darkly, as he pushed Strauss a bit closer, “I need someone to type in this password so I can get the Sugar Bowl before I poison the hotel.” 

“You bastard!” Solitude shrieked. 

“Fucking asshole!” Klaus screamed. 

“You…” Nick was shaking very hard, clinging tight to two struggling children. “You…” 

“Yes, I got rid of one of you. I still have five left. Hurry up.” Olaf said. 

“She’s not dead yet, dickfuck.” Violet said, and at that, she tied the ribbon. Lilac gasped at how tight she pulled it, and she continued, “Sit still, Li. We’ll find something. Always something.” 

“And what the fuck makes you think you’ll be getting the Sugar Bowl, bastard man?” Solitude shouted. 

“Because I get the Sugar Bowl, or I kill Justice Strauss.” Olaf said. 

“You wouldn’t dare!” Strauss said. “As soon as my fellow High Court Judges-” 

“They’re on Olaf’s side!” Violet shouted, putting an arm under Lilac to help her sit up. 

Justice Strauss gasped. “That can’t be. I’ve known them for years! They were so interested in your case-” 

“Because they were telling me all about it, dipshit.” Olaf said. “Now, I’m going to take the Sugar Bowl, then go to the roof to get the mycelium to poison the hotel.” 

“You won’t be able to poison the hotel without killing yourself, not that we give a shit about your life, pissfucker.” Violet said. 

“Okay, first of all, I commend you on the variety of swear words you have at your disposal,” Olaf said. 

“Bitch!” Sunny shouted. 

“Second,” Olaf said, “I’ll simply escape off the roof. There’s a sailboat up there Carmelita made me buy for her, I’ll simply push it off and escape into the sea.” 

“That drop will kill you.” Violet said. 

“Well, I suppose I’ll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies.” Olaf growled. 

Violet took a deep breath, and then said, “I’ll help you go down the roof and survive!” 

“What?” Klaus said. 

“Violet!” Nick shouted. 

“If you take us _ with you!” _Violet said. 

Strauss and Lilac both gasped, and Olaf said, “And why would six puny orphans want to follow me?” 

“Because we have nowhere else to go.” Violet said. 

“Violet, what are you doing?” Nick asked. 

Violet turned to him, and whispered, low enough Olaf couldn’t hear, “Stalling? I don’t fucking know.” 

“Well first, my dear Violet-” Olaf said. 

“Don’t go near her!” Nick said, pushing himself in front of Violet and Lilac, still gripping tight to the youngest two. 

Olaf continued, as if Nick had not spoken. “-we’ll need to get the Sugar Bowl. The cryptid Denouement said that the first password was some medical condition you all share. If you would be so kind as to type that in-” 

“I’ll do it.” Klaus said, jumping to his feet. 

“Klaus!” Nick said. 

“No, Klaus-” Lilac began, before Violet pulled the ribbon tighter and she gasped. 

“Very good. Glad to see most of you are seeing sense.” Olaf said. 

“Klaus, wait-” Justice Strauss began. 

Klaus knelt in front of the door, and typed in _ PEPPERMINT ALLERGY. _ After a moment, they heard a familiar click. 

“Fucking good.” Olaf said. “Next is the weapon that left me an orphan.” He turned and gave Nick a dark smile. “Would you be so kind as to type that in?” 

Nick took a deep breath, as everyone turned to stare at him. Then, slowly, he put Solitude and Sunny down beside Lilac. Solitude grabbed Babbitt, cuddling them close, while Sunny just stared, horrified. 

“I’m sorry.” Nick said to the others. “I wanted to tell you.” 

Then he went to the door, scooting beside a startled Klaus, and he spoke as he typed. 

_ POISON DARTS. _

Violet’s eyes widened, and Lilac started to cry, and Klaus’s mouth dropped open. Solitude and Sunny stared at Nick, as if hoping he was joking, but they all heard the lock click. 

“Now, bastard,” Nick turned to Olaf, glaring down the smug asshole, “You want me to type in the third one? The chorus of the lullaby?” 

“Of course.” 

Nick shared a look with Klaus, as Lilac whispered, “No…” 

Once again, Nick spoke aloud as he typed, but this time he sung a little, tears starting to roll down his face. 

_ And then they took him, yea, they took him _

_ They took him far away _

_ They took him in the dead of night _

_ Beneath a moon of gray _

_ They took him from the kitchen _

_ Like you’d take a midnight snack _

_ The VFD they took him _

_ And they never brought him back _

There was a third click, and the door swung open. 

“Oh, what the fuck.” Solitude muttered. 

“Boys…” Lilac gasped as Violet hugged her tight. “Why would you help him?” 

Olaf raced into the room, just as Klaus said, “Because the Sugar Bowl’s not there.” 

Indeed, in a few moments, they heard Olaf let out a scream of frustration. Nick ran for the toddlers, while Klaus helped Violet stand Lilac up, both grabbing one of her arms to help support her. Her face had gone pale, and despite their best efforts, she was starting to bleed through the ribbon. Justice Strauss ran to them, as if trying to figure out how she could help. 

“Where is it?” Olaf snarled, whipping around; inside the small laundry room, there were some washing and drying machines, piles of dirty sheets, and plastic jugs, but no sugar bowl. 

“That secret died with Dewey Denouement.” Klaus spat. 

“Fucker.” Solitude said, as Nick picked her and Sunny up again. 

Count Olaf turned to face the children, and they had never seen him look so frightening. “Well,” he said, “He won’t be the only volunteer that dies today. I will release the Medusoid Mycelium on this entire hotel-!” 

“Burn down hotel.” Sunny said, and the Baudelaires froze. 

“What did you say?” Olaf snapped, turning on the youngest, who Nick tried to shield quickly. 

“Burn down hotel!” Sunny shouted. 

“Sunny, no!” Justice Strauss said.

Count Olaf laughed. “She’s become an arsonist! I knew I was a good guardian!” 

“You were a terrible guardian!” Violet said. 

“S-Sunny doesn’t know what she’s saying!” Klaus said. 

“Burn down hotel!” Sunny screamed again. 

“Good idea, little toothy freak!” Olaf said. He grabbed a jug from the shelves and started pouring it onto the sheets. “This should be flammable enough!” 

“Sunny, why?” Solitude asked, eyes wide. 

Sunny just turned to her, and said, “Signal.” 

The Baudelaires realized what she meant. Kit had said they’d be watching the skies. 

“Do you think Kit knew?” Solitude asked, shuddering. 

“It doesn’t matter.” Violet said. “What matters is a fire might also make people flee, before the mushrooms do.” 

“What if the fire alarms don’t work?” Klaus asked. 

“What’s a fire alarm?” Justice Strauss asked. 

Violet shut her eyes. “Oh. That explains _ so _goddamn much.” 

“Give me that book, bitch.” Olaf said, and Justice Strauss gasped as he ripped _ Odious Lusting After Fortunes _ from her hands. “This should get rid of the evidence.” 

“Alexandria,” Sunny said, which meant, _ “Unless she has a backup, you son of a bitchass motherfucker.” _

“You can’t do this!” Justice Strauss said. 

“I can do what I want!” Olaf shouted, and he dropped the book into a hamper. He pulled a lighter from his pocket and dropped it into the sheets, and they all watched as the flames quickly caught. 

“Oh, fuck.” Nick stepped backwards, and Solitude let out a wail at the sight of the flames. 

_ How many fires will we see? _They all wanted to say, but instead, they stayed silent as Olaf pushed past them. 

“How are we going to warn everyone?” Justice Strauss worried. 

Solitude looked up at her siblings, and then said, “Preludio.” 

They nodded at her, understanding immediately. 

“What’d be brat say?” Olaf asked as they crowded into the elevator. 

“She said you’re an assclown fuckface mcshithead.” Nick said. “And also that you won’t have time to spread the Medusoid throughout the hotel before it burns down.” 

“What?” Olaf roared, and the second the doors closed, the Baudelaires leaned forwards and slammed onto every button, like their father had taught them. 

“You wretched beasts!” Olaf shouted. “Now I-” 

“Won’t be able to kill everyone, we got it.” Violet hissed. “But we’ll be able to warn everyone of your dick move. Klaus, help me with Lilac, she’s losing balance.” 

“‘M fine.” Lilac lied. 

“We need more fabric to make a bandage.” Klaus said. 

Nick put the toddlers down as the elevator dinged open to the first floor. Several people were still running around, confused and blindfolded. 

“Everyone! The hotel is on fire! Leave immediately!” Violet shouted. 

The man with a beard but no hair was standing nearby. “Fire?” he said, in his strange, hoarse voice. “Good work.” 

“Was that the Baudelaires?” said someone. “We need to capture them!” 

“We need to capture Olaf!” said Jerome, hand-in-hand with Charles. 

“He’s the in the elevator with the Baudelaires!” shouted the woman with hair but no beard.

“Call the fire department!” Solitude said desperately. 

“Which one?” was the reply, from either Frank or Ernest, but the doors slid shut. 

When they did, Nick rolled up his sweater and began ripping at the sleeve of his undershirt. Violet gasped as he ripped it clean off, and then in half. 

“Wrap this around Lilac.” he said, hanging the strips to them. “They should be big enough to help.” 

Violet bit her lip, and then took the strips. “Thank you.” she said. “Klaus, help me sit her down.” 

“I can-” Lilac began, but she was starting to look dizzy. 

Klaus and Violet sat her down as the doors opened, and Nick shouted, “There’s a fire!” 

“Evacuate the premises!” Solitude shouted. 

“A fire?” said Esme Squalor. She was still wearing a blindfold, and holding hands with Carmelita, who was feeling around the walls. “Who said that?” 

“It’s us, bitch!” Solitude said, while Nick backed up a little. “Fire! Run!” 

“Oh, don’t listen to the cakesniffers!” Carmelita said. “They’re trying to escape! Let’s take off our blindfolds and peek!” 

“Don’t take off your blindfolds!” Count Olaf said. “These Baudelaires are guilty of contempt of court, and they’re trying to trick you into joining them! There’s no fire!” 

“We’re not tricking you, Olaf is!” Klaus shouted. 

“You’re all morons, anyway. And I still need to find my Sugar Bowl.” Esme said. 

“Piss off, cakesniffers!” Carmelita said. 

The doors slid hut before the Baudelaires could argue any further, and Violet and Klaus finished re-tying the fabric around Lilac’s wound. “How are you?” Klaus asked. 

“I’ll… live.” Lilac glanced between the two, barely able to speak. “But I’m… I’m real tired, I-” 

“Do _ not _ go to sleep, Li, the building is on fire.” Violet said. 

The door dinged open, and Nick backed up towards his siblings while he shouted, “Fire! Fire! Get out!” 

“Nicholas Baudelaire?” said Mr Poe. He was facing the entirely wrong direction, and holding his handkerchief up to his blindfold. “Don’t add the false reporting of fire to your list of crimes! You’re already guilty of contempt of court, and perhaps murder-” 

“It’s not false!” Justice Strauss said. “There really is a fire, Mr Poe! You have to leave!” 

“I can’t leave! I am in charge of the Baudelaires-” Poe said, just as the doors dinged shut. 

With each stop of the elevator, they were faced with more or less the same as the last few floors. On the third story, Ms Bass was wandering around with a suspicious sack, and on the seventh story was Mr Remora and Vice Principal Nero. Eleanora Poe was wandering around the fifth, and Charles and Jerome held hands so as not to lose one another, and Hugo, Colette and Kevin were wandering around carrying birdpaper, and they saw many people they didn’t recognize, and many they did, many volunteers and villains, some who believed them, and some who didn’t. There were so many people running around, and so many people who had their own stories, stories the Baudelaires would never hear and never see. 

But by the time they reached the roof, not a single one of them cared. 

Klaus ripped off the bottom of his shirt to add to the bandage around Lilac, as Nick knelt down so he, Soli and Sunny could be closer to her. “It’s okay, it’s okay.” Violet whispered, pushing Lilac’s braids back. “It’s okay. Klaus, grab her when the door opens, we should be at the roof now. We’ll get her onto the boat.” 

“Thanks to you orphans,” Olaf grumbled, “I won’t have time to poison the whole hotel, but at least we got to start a fire. Though I’m afraid some people might escape.” 

“Some may not.” Justice Strauss shivered. 

The Baudelaires glanced to each other, and then they felt the building tremble beneath them. 

“The fire is weakening the structural foundations.” Violet said. She grabbed tight to Lilac’s arm, and then said, “Come on, we have to go. Klaus, help me get her into the boat.” 

Without another word, all six Baudelaires turned from the adults and strode out of the elevator and to the boat. They lowered Lilac inside, and she curled up, still gasping a little from the pain and overheating. “We’ll attach a drag chute.” Violet said. “Nick, get in and hold tight to the girls, do _ not _ let them fall.” 

Nick nodded seriously, sliding into the boat with his arms tight around Solitude and Sunny. 

“I- I can- you-” Lilac tried to say. 

Violet put a hand on her shoulder, and Klaus touched the other and said, “We’re not leaving you. Okay?” Lilac hesitantly nodded, tears in her eyes, and Klaus continued, “I’ll angle the sail to catch the wind.” Then, he whispered, “The wind would have pushed the bowl into the pond.” 

“Then it’s where nobody can get to it.” Violet nodded at him. “Help me with this.” 

Violet grabbed several towels and sheets and had Klaus help her bind them together, and then she turned to the adults and yelled, “Don’t just stand there! We need to push this to the edge of the roof!” 

“Don’t boss me around, orphan!” Olaf said, as he used his knife to rip open a beach ball, pulling out the diving helmet full of Medusoid Mycelium. 

“I’ll make you do whatever the fuck I want!” Violet said. “Boat, roof, _ now!” _

Olaf grumbled, but tossed the helmet into the boat and began to help them push it farther. 

“Come on! Get in!” Klaus called, turning to Justice Strauss. 

The judge sadly shook her head, backing away. “No, I won’t go, it’s not right.” 

“What else can we do?” Soli said, clinging to Nick. 

“I won’t run from the scene of a crime. You children should come with me, and we’ll explain everything to the authorities.” 

“They might not believe us!” Violet said. 

“They could be compromised!” Nick said. 

“Pease, children!” Just as they pushed the boat to the edge, and Olaf clambered inside, Justice Strauss grabbed the edge of the boat to stop them from pushing it. “Don’t make this your destiny.” 

“We don’t have a destiny.” Lilac gasped out, as Violet and Klaus climbed beside her, tears flowing from her face. “We just have each other.” 

“I won’t let you go, Baudelaires!” 

Sunny climbed out of Nick’s lap and stepped towards the judge, for a moment looking like she was going to get off the boat. But she merely looked into the judge’s weeping eyes, and gave her a very sad smile. 

“Goodbye,” she said, and bit the Justice’s hand. 

Justice Strauss gasped and stepped back, and the hotel trembled again, and the boat fell from the roof. 

It fell for a very long time, and while Olaf shouted, the Baudelaires just hugged and clung tight to each other. 

When it hit the water, the Baudelaires were still together, all in a huddle as Olaf settled down, laughed about something, and commanded them to row. 

“I’m sorry.” Lilac muttered. 

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Klaus whispered. 

“We’re noble enough.” Violet said, though she wasn’t sure if she believed it. 

They turned to see the smoke billow higher in the sky, as the boat sailed away into the ocean. 

“The Last Safe Place,” Sunny said, “Is safe no more.” 


	30. in which the Baudelaires have had ENOUGH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys. guys we're at the beginning of the end
> 
> guys i'm gonna SOB

**CHAPTER THIRTY**

_ in which the Baudelaires have had ENOUGH _

“Row faster, orphans!” 

Violet shook her head. “No. We’re fixing Lilac’s bandages. Sit down and wait, jackass motherfucker shitbag.” 

It had been quite a while since they’d set off in the boat. Olaf spent most of his time gloating and bragging, but honestly, the kids had stopped listening after about hour one, and were focused on making sure the youngest two didn’t fall over the edge of the boat, Lilac’s wound stayed closed, and none of them strangled the Count and bloodied the edge of the boat. 

At the moment, Nick was leaning against Klaus’s arm, only shaking slightly as he helped Violet reset the bandages. Lilac was protesting, saying something about how she was fine and they could probably just let her do it, but Soli just put a hand on her face and said, “Shh,” and Lilac sighed and shut up. 

“I finally have the Baudelaire fortune!” Olaf ranted, cheering as he spun around the boat. “I removed that stupid _ Carmelita II _ nameplate so the ship is now _ The Olaf, _as it should be! Everything is going my way! I want to buy a car and crash into people! Orphans, take us to the nearest car dealership!” 

“We’re in the middle of the fucking ocean, assface.” Klaus said. 

“And we’re not rowing anywhere for you, we’re waiting til either we land somewhere or die of starvation.” Nick said, glancing at the bottom of the boat. “Whichever comes first.” 

“I think you all are _ forgetting,” _ Olaf approached them darkly, “That _ I _am in charge, and-” 

The Baudelaires shared a look, and then Violet and Nick leapt forwards. Nick gave him a swift kick to the stomach, sending him backwards, and Violet slammed his head against the wood. As he gasped, Nick leapt forwards and ripped his knife from his belt, tossing it to Klaus, while Violet found the harpoon gun under the seat and slid it to Solitude. 

“I think _ you _are forgetting, prickhead,” Violet said, “That there’s way fucking more of us than there are of you.” 

Nick straightened, smiling a little, and he added, “We’re the ones in charge.” 

“You’re just a little bitch.” Solitude said, watching as Babbitt ducked towards the water to try and drink. 

“And the only fucking reason,” Lilac said, sitting up and grimacing as her stomach wound flared up, “That we haven’t thrown you overboard already is that we might need bait to catch larger fish to eat.” 

“So,” Klaus said, “I suggest you either help us row, or sit the fuck down and pray we get to shore before we get tired of your ass.” 

“Cazzo,” Sunny said, which meant, _ “Which won’t be long, dickhead.” _

Olaf stared at them, and they were pleased to see a flash of fear in his eyes. “Y-_ you’re _ forgetting,” he stumbled, reaching back to put a hand on the diving helmet, “That _ I _have the medusoid mycelium! I can release it-” 

“Then do it.” Nick said. 

Lilac gave him a glare, and put her arms around Soli and Sunny. “I’d like to see you try.” 

They all stared at him, almost daring him. “Do it.” Klaus said. 

“We don’t have anything left, you piece of bastard shit.” Violet said. “And at least we’d get to watch you die, too.” 

Olaf froze, shocked at the cold, hard stares he received from each Baudelaire. They didn’t think he would. But they wouldn’t care if he did. 

“You… you’re too noble.” he said quietly. “You wouldn’t allow someone to die.” 

“We’re chef’s salads.” Sunny said. 

Olaf opened his mouth to say something, and then he froze, staring over their heads. 

“Well,” he said, “It looks like the tide has turned and a storm is brewing.” 

Nick narrowed his eyes. “You know what? Shut up, bastard-” 

“He meant that literally.” Solitude said, looking behind them and slowly grabbing Babbitt. 

They turned, and realized, just then, how many storm clouds were on the horizon. 

And also that a giant wave was headed right for them. 

“Fuck.” Klaus said, just as it hit. 

The storm at sea was definitely not a pleasant one. Nick grabbed tight onto Solitude, hugging her close as the boat swung around like a pinwheel, and the sails tore and rain pounded upon the siblings so much that they were not sure whether they were underwater yet or not, and lightning struck the mast of the boat, splitting it in two, and only missing Lilac because Klaus pushed her to the side. The waves burst into the air, ten times the size the Baudelaires were used to, and the splashes and droplets hit them, so cold that they thought for a while it might be ice. 

And then, with a deafening crack, the boat split, and the Baudelaires found themselves tossed to the waves. 

Lilac awoke on the beach, feeling again like she was on fire. 

She groaned and rolled over, her hair falling across her face as she felt sand underneath her. Her dress was soaked, her hair was wild… 

_ She was alone! _

Lilac tried to sit up, only for her stomach to remind her none-too-gently that she’d been cut only recently. She doubled over, but she still managed to get up enough, and she tried to yell for her siblings, but she was having enough trouble breathing as it was.

“Lilac! _ Lilac!” _

Lilac looked up, tears at the edge of her eyes. 

The voice grew more panicked. _ “Lilac? Nick! Klaus! Soli! Sunny!” _

Lilac finally gasped out, _ “Violet!” _

There was a pause, and then she felt someone throwing themselves at her back. 

_ “Lilac!” _came Violet’s cracked voice, and Lilac gasped. “Oh, shit! Sorry, sorry! I was so scared you- do you need help?” 

Violet moved to be in front of her sister, checking her over, and Lilac said, “I’m fi-” before coughing quite a bit. 

“It’s okay. Here.” Violet put an arm under her shoulder, helping her stand. “Lean on me. We’ve got to find the others.” 

“Where are we?” Lilac blinked, glancing around at the sea surrounding them. “I don’t see land- what-” 

“A coastal shelf.” Violet said. “Nick! Klaus! S-” 

“We’re here!” Lilac breathed a sigh of relief as, Nick and Klaus ran into view, each carrying a shaking toddler. Their clothes were a wreck, and their hair was a mess, but they looked uninjured. 

“Babbitt’s here, too.” Solitude said, nervously patting her pocket. “But they’re sleeping.” 

“Thank God.” Lilac started to cry, and Klaus ran to help support her. “Oh, thank God.” 

“This place is a dump.” Nick said, stepping over scattered rope and half an anchor. 

“It’s a beach after a storm, Nick, what’d you expect?” Violet said. 

“Birds!” Sunny said, gesturing at the soaring seagulls. 

“Birdcage.” Solitude said, flinching as she pointed at a cage just a few feet from them, half-buried in the sand. “Not a lotta good memories there.” 

“We need to get somewhere safer.” Klaus said. “Coastal shelves are usually near an island.” 

“Then we just need to walk somewhere.” Nick said, glancing around. “Which direction?” 

“Anywhere, honestly.” Klaus said. “And- oh, shit, there’s the bitch.” 

They followed his gaze and then walked forwards. Several feet from them lay Count Olaf, unconscious in the sand. 

“He looks dead.” Sunny said. 

“God, I hope he’s dead.” Violet said. 

“I don’t, I wanted to kill him.” Nick said. 

As they approached, they groaned with annoyance as Count Olaf then sat up, coughing slightly. He glanced around, and as his eyes landed on the children, he said, “Where am I? Where’s my diving helmet?” 

“Coastal shelf.” Klaus said. 

“We ate it.” Solitude said. 

Olaf groaned. “Get me some coffee, orphans! I had a very unpleasant evening, and I’d like a nice, hearty breakfast before deciding what to do with you.” 

“There’s no coffee.” Lilac said. “We’re going to find an island.” 

“You’ll go where I’ll tell you to go!” Olaf said. “I’m the captain, and you’re my henchpeople!” 

“Naw, bitch.” Sunny said. 

“Need we remind you that we can beat the shit out of you if necessary?” Violet said. 

“I think your weapons are all gone, assface.” Klaus said. 

“So you can come with us, or stay on the coastal shelf.” Solitude said. 

“See how long it takes you to starve.” Lilac said. 

Then they headed down the coast, and after a moment, Olaf reluctantly followed. 

“Stab?” Sunny whispered. 

“Maybe later. Let’s find out where we are first.” Violet whispered back. 

They walked forwards for some time, occasionally glancing back to make sure Olaf hadn’t grabbed a weapon, but he seemed too busy grumbling under his breath to think of something like that. 

After a while, Sunny shouted, “Land ho!” and pointed into the mist, and the Baudelaires could see the shape of a narrow island ahead, with what looked like white cloth billowing on the beach. 

“I’ve discovered an island!” Olaf cackled. “I’m going to name it Olaf-Land!” 

“You didn’t discover the island, there’s people already living here!” Lilac said. 

“And they’ll worship me as their king!” Olaf said. 

“Someone’s coming.” Solitude said, pointing forwards. 

Indeed, a small figure was emerging from the mist. Olaf went on about how one of his subjects was approaching, but the Baudelaires didn’t care to listen. “Maybe it’s another survivor of the storm.” Nick said quietly. 

The figure got closer, skipping quite quickly, and they could see it was a young girl, maybe six or seven years old. She was wearing a white robe, so clean that she could not have been in the storm, and a belt that held a white seashell. She was playing with a pair of sunglasses that looked very much like the ones the Baudelaires wore for their concierge disguise. She was grinning, but when she approached the Baudelaires, she suddenly looked very shy. 

“Hello.” Lilac wanted to kneel down to get eye-level with her, but unfortunately she couldn’t do so without losing her balance, and Violet still had an arm under her to keep her standing. Instead, she contented herself by giving the girl an encouraging smile, as she asked, “What’s your name?” 

“Friday.” said the girl. 

“Do you live on the island, Friday?” Lilac asked. 

“Yes.” the girl nodded. “I got up early this morning to go storm scavenging.” 

“What’s ‘storm scavenging’?” Solitude asked. 

“Every time there’s a storm, everyone in the colony gathers everything that’s collected on the coastal shelf.” Friday said. “One never knows when something will come in handy. Are you castaways?” 

“I guess we are.” Violet said. 

“My name is Lilac Baudelaire.” Lilac introduced. “And these are my siblings- Violet is helping me stand, because I’m a bit injured.” 

“From the storm?” Friday asked. 

“Not exactly.” Lilac flinched. “That’s Klaus, holding Sunny, and Nick, holding Solitude.” She turned reluctantly to Olaf, who was suspiciously glaring at Friday. “And this is-” 

“I am your King!” Olaf announced in a grand voice. “Bow before me, Friday!” 

“No, thank you.” Friday said politely. “Our colony is not a monarchy. You must be exhausted from the storm, Baudelaires. It looked so enormous from shore that we didn’t think there’d be any castaways this time. Why don’t you come with me and find something to eat?” 

“That’d be amazing.” Nick said. “Thank you, Friday.” 

“Do castaways arrive here often?” Klaus asked. 

“From time to time.” Friday shrugged. “Mother says that everything eventually washes up on our shores.” 

“The shores of Olaf-Land, you mean!” Count Olaf said. “I discovered this island, so I get to name it!” 

Friday put the sunglasses on and peered at Olaf curiously. “You must be confused, sir. People have lived on this island for many, many years.” 

“Primitive people.” Olaf said. “I don’t see any houses.” 

“Houses get blown away during the stormy season.” Friday said. “So we live in tents, which provide nice ventilation during the hot season.” She sound out _ ventilation _very slowly, as if she’d just learned the word. 

“I still say you’re primitive, and I don’t listen to primitive people.” Olaf said. 

“Then don’t.” Nick said. “You can stay here if you want, bi-” he glanced at Friday, unsure of what words to say in front of her. “-you can stay here, jerk. We’re going with Friday.” 

“You won’t go with some foolish child who won’t bow before her king!” Olaf then reached into the sand, and the Baudelaires gasped as he pulled out his harpoon gun. They all stepped in front of each other, and Lilac reached out her hand to grab Friday, but the child just stood there, unreacting. “Bow before me or I will fire this harpoon gun at you!” 

Friday just stared, and then she said calmly, “In a few minutes, all the inhabitants of the island will be out storm scavenging. They’ll see any act of violence you commit, and you won’t be allowed on the island. Please point that weapon away from me.” 

Count Olaf opened his mouth as if to say something, and then shut it again, and sheepishly lowered the weapon. The Baudelaires glanced at it, and noticed that he only had one harpoon left. Not very good for defending himself. 

“Baudelaires, please come with me.” Friday said. “I’ll show you where there’s food, and we can get you changed out of those clothes. Lilac, we have a doctor here who can help with that.” she pointed to the bandage. 

“What about me?” Olaf asked, his voice a little squeaky. 

Friday gave him another look, and then firmly said, “Go away.” 

She took Lilac’s hand, then, and showed the Baudelaires where to head. 

And once Friday turned around, Soli and Sunny both flipped off Olaf as they left.


	31. in which Nick is not taking Ishmael's bullshit

**CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE **

_ in which Nick is not taking Ishmael’s bullshit _

“Thank you so much, Friday.” Nick said, as they walked. “That man is very bad, and we’ve been trying to get away from him for some time.” 

“He seemed very mean.” Friday nodded. She looked carefully at Lilac. “Is he the reason you’re hurt?” Hesitantly, Lilac nodded. “We don’t allow violence on the island, so he won’t be allowed here. You’ll be safe.” 

“He’s very good at disguising himself and manipulating people.” Violet warned. 

“And we’re very good at seeing through that bullshit.” Friday said. She froze then, and slapped a hand over her mouth. “I’m sorry! I’m not supposed to know that word.” 

“It’s alright.” Klaus laughed a little. “We swear a lot. I assume that’s not allowed on the island.” 

“No.” Friday nodded, and then she leaned in conspiratorially. “But I’ll tell you a secret. I know a lot of bad words anyway.” 

They giggled. “So do we.” Solitude said. 

“Okay.” Friday said. “Can you tell me what ‘fuck’ means?” 

They gave each other very awkward looks. Then, Lilac said, “Quick question, first. What’s your seashell for?” 

“Coconut cordial.” Friday said. “There’s no fresh water on the island, so we drain the milk from coconuts and allow it to ferment.” 

Nick paused. “Um, doesn’t that make it a drug?” 

“What’s a drug?” 

Nick groaned. “Oh _ no.” _

“Okay, what is fermented coconut milk and what does it do?” Klaus asked. 

“Opiate.” Nick said. 

“Still don’t know what that is.” Solitude muttered. 

“Well, shit.” Violet huffed. 

“What?” Friday asked. “What’s wrong?” 

Nick considered. “Can you take us to the medical tent first? Before we meet everyone else.” 

“I guess so.” Friday shrugged. “Come on, Dr Kurtz and Willa should be in.” 

She led them onto blindingly white sand, and Nick said, “Is that a boat?” He pointed towards the beach, where something was almost built. 

“An outrigger.” Friday said. “It’s tradition.” 

“What are some of your customs?” Klaus pulled his commonplace book out and started to take notes. 

“Every time there’s a storm, we go storm scavenging and present what we’ve found to our facilitator, Ishmael. He’s been on this island longer than any of us, and he injured his feet and keeps them covered in island clay, which has healing powers. He can’t stand, but he decides what might be of use, and what the sheep should drag away.” 

“Baba?” Sunny asked. _ “You have sheep?” _

“Yep.” Friday said. “They drag our scavenged items to the arboretum, on the far side of the island over that brae over there. All that grows there is an enormous apple tree, or that’s what I’ve heard, at least. Nobody goes there, because Ishmael says it’s too dangerous, with everything the sheep brought there. Nobody picks the bitter apples from the tree, except on Decision Day.” 

“What’s Decision Day?” Violet asked. 

“It’s like a holiday.” Friday said. “Once a year, the tides turn in this part of the ocean, and the coastal shelf is completely covered in water. It’s the one time a year that it’s deep enough to sail away from the island. All year long we build an enormous outrigger, and the day the tides turn we have a feast and talent show. Then anyone who wishes to leave our colony indicates their decision by taking a bite of the bitter apple and spitting it onto the ground before boarding the outrigger and bidding us farewell.” 

“Hm.” Nick said carefully. 

“Of course, people rarely leave this island.” Friday said. “Nobody has left since before I was born, so each year we simply light the outrigger on fire and push it out to sea. It’s beautiful, and we only have a few days left until then.” 

“It sounds beautiful.” Klaus said uncertainly. 

“Here we go!” Friday led them into a clearing, where several tents had been set up. She waved at a few wandering people in robes, mouthed the word _ Castaways _ and gestured to the Baudelaires, and then ducked into a tent on the far side. The siblings followed her into it, giving each other skeptical looks. 

Inside, an older man- who admitted he was more of a veterinarian than a doctor- and a younger woman greeted them, and while Friday explained the situation, they inspected Lilac’s wound. “It doesn’t seem to be infected, which is incredibly lucky.” Willa said, kneeling down and frowning. “How did this happen?” 

“I was attacked.” Lilac said simply. 

“Well, you won’t have to worry about that here.” Willa _ hmm_ed, and then she reached to the side, pulling out some strips of fabric. “These should be better bandages. If your siblings want to wait outside-” 

“No.” said all five of her siblings. 

Willa raised her eyebrow, but shrugged. “Alright. I won’t force you. Friday, why don’t you deliver what you’ve found to Ishmael?” 

“I’ll do that when the Baudelaires are ready to go.” Friday said. “I want to show him the Castaways.” 

The Baudelaires all shared a look of agreement. “And we’d _ love _ to meet him.” Violet said. 

It took a while, but Friday just sat beside them and told them about the kinds of things she’d found on the island- unsurprisingly to the Baudelaires, she hadn’t been able to keep any of it, as Ishmael had “convinced” her to send them to the other side of the island. Dr Kurtz wandered out after a bit, while Willa kept treating Lilac. She didn’t seem to have much medicine, but she did manage to get her bandaged up, and told her that she’d probably be fine in a few days. 

“It didn’t cut too deep, and you didn’t bleed too much.” Willa said. “So you should be alright to go meet Ishmael. A lot of people will be back from storm scavenging, so you can see our customs firsthand.” 

“I’m sure we will.” Violet said. “Friday, mind showing us the way?” 

“I’d love to!” Friday beamed, reaching to grab Lilac’s hand. “Come on!” 

The Baudelaires once again shared a look, and then a nod, and then they followed Friday out. 

Up near the outrigger was an incredibly huge and incredibly long white tent. Friday led them inside, where they saw several people already crowded around. There were several sheep laying against the walls, snoring soundly, and across at the edge of the tent was an old man with a beard as thick and wild as the sheep’s woolly coats. He sat on an enormous chair that looked as if it were fashioned out of white clay, and two more piles of clay rose up over his feet. Several people in similar robes to Friday were gathered around him, holding up items, and off to the side was a large sleigh where several items already stood. 

“I found the propeller of an airplane.” said a pleasant-looking man. 

“Well, Alonso,” said Ishmael, “I won’t force you, but I don’t think a propeller would be of much use.” 

“We could make a fan.” Violet whispered.

“You’re right, Ishmael.” Alonso said, and he placed the propeller on the sleigh. 

“I found this tool.” a girl a few years older than Lilac stepped forwards. 

“Is that a dagger, Ariel?” Ishmael raised his eyebrows. “You know weapons aren’t allowed on the island.” 

“It’s an old tool for cutting pages of books.” Ariel said. 

“Well, we have no books on this island.” Ishmael said. “So it would be of little use. But I won’t force you.”

Klaus glanced down at Friday. “There are no books?” 

“They get wet in storms.” Friday shrugged. 

A plump man with a sunburned face said, “I found a cheese grater. I nearly lost a finger prying it away from a nest of crabs.” 

“You shouldn’t have gone to all that trouble.” Ishmael said. “We’re not going to have much use for a cheese grater without any cheese.” 

“Grate coconut, make cake.” Sunny said. 

The man made a similar point. “We could grate other foods.” 

“Well, I won’t force you, Sherman,” Ishmael said, “But I think we have all the food we need.” 

Nick clenched his fists and turned to his siblings, and they nodded in agreement. Friday looked at them curiously, unsure of their thoughts. 

“Go ahead and introduce us, if you want.” Lilac said to Friday, smiling encouragingly. 

Friday nodded, and as Sherman put his cheese grater onto the wagon, she shouted over the crowd, _ “I found some castaways!” _

They all turned, interested, and Friday brought the Baudelaires forwards. The crowd parted as they approached Ishmael, and Nick quickly grabbed Klaus’s hand, as Violet kept her arm under Lilac. Solitude had decided to walk over with Sunny, so she held her hand as they toddled across the dirt, to make sure she didn’t fall. 

“Well, hello.” Ishmael said with a cordial smile. “And what should I call you?” 

Lilac straightened up, knowing she was the only one of her siblings who could stay calm enough for introductions. “Lilac, Violet, Nick, Klaus, Solitude and Sunny Baudelaire.” she said. 

Ishmael’s eyes flickered. “Baudelaire? Well, welcome to our island. Did you survive the storm last night?” 

“Yes.” Violet said. “And there’s a bad man running around, too, named Count Olaf.” 

“Well, we’ll deal with him, don’t you worry.” Ishmael said. “Now, Friday, what are those?” He pointed at her sunglasses. 

“I thought they might be useful on bright days.” Friday said quietly. 

“Well, I won’t force you, but I think we should retain our custom of only wearing white.” Ishmael said. 

Lilac straightened up and gave Nick a nod that clearly communicated, _ Tear the bitch apart. _

“And I think,” Nick said, stepping forwards, “That those could be useful.” 

The islanders whispered amongst themselves, and Ishmael turned to Nick with a cold smile. “You must be tired from the storm, my boy. Friday can show you where to get robes-” 

“We’re not changing.” Nick said. 

The Islanders all stiffened, and Friday gasped. Ishmael simply stared. “Well,” he said, “It’s our custom to wear only white.” 

“You cannot force me to wear white.” Lilac said. 

“I won’t force you-” Ishmael began. 

“And you won’t.” Nick said. “Listen up, you- someone cover Friday’s ears.” Klaus reached forwards and slammed his hands over Friday’s ears. “Alright. Listen up, you bitchass mother_fucker. _ I don’t know what kind of a scam you’re running here, or what scheme you’re pulling, but we’re not falling into it. Thank you for the bandages for Lilac, but we’re gonna fuck off on our own now, thanks. We just got _ out _ of a cult, we’re not joining another one just because this island’s small as shit.” 

The Islanders looked like Nick had just announced plans to end the world. A woman ran forwards and dragged Friday back with her; they realized quickly that was probably the young girl’s mother. 

Ishmael frowned slightly. “Young man, you must be tired. Have some cordial-” 

“Oh, and about the _ cordial,” _Nick said. “Friday said it’s fermented, right? Yeah, that just makes it an opiate. We’re not gonna chug drugs just so you can convince us you know best and everything’s fine and we should toss away all our shit. I was drugged up once, it’s not fun.” 

“Yeah, it’s not.” Violet agreed. 

“Wait.” Solitude narrowed her eyes. “Nick, when were you-” 

“Don’t ask.” he said. “Anyway, I’d rather not be high as a kite, living under a dictatorship claiming to be a democracy, while our Dickhead Asswipe Motherfucking Family Enemy is running around with a harpoon gun, and possibly a helmet of deadly fungus- speaking of which, any of you find a diving helmet, leave it closed, alright? Alright, cool, back to it. Violet, you look like you want a turn.” 

“Yeah.” Violet nodded. “All these inventions suck, I could make you a fan and an irrigation system in, like, less than a week. You’re stifling creativity because it threatens you, and now it’s Klaus’s turn.” 

“If you think I’m not going to tear the ocean apart to get a book, you’re dead fucking wrong.” Klaus said. 

“I think-” Ishmael straightened, looking stern. 

“And I think you’re hiding knowledge from everyone, like the knowledge they’re being drugged out of their minds.” Klaus said. “Soli?” 

“I’m not throwing out my frog, bitchfuck.” Solitude said, as Babbitt hopped to her shoulder, having only just woken up, now very confused. 

“Fuckshit.” Sunny said. 

“I’m not gonna translate that for her,” Lilac said, “But know it was not pleasant. Anyway, I’m not subjecting my siblings to this cult bullshit that discourages innovation. So we’re gonna find someplace to set up camp, far away from here, and we’re gonna have fresh water and no fermented drugs and we get to keep whatever we want, and also we’re gonna need a knife in case Olaf shows up.” 

“Yeet me.” Sunny said. 

“You’re right, Sun, we’ll just beat him up. Nevermind.” Lilac said. “Anyway, thank you for the bandages, we’ll be on our way.” 

“We’ll leave you alone to do your cult bullshit,” Klaus said, “But if you bother us, we bother you.” 

“Kapiche?” Sunny said. 

Everyone was dead silent. Friday, who could hear everything even with her mother’s hands over her ears- hands were never an effective block, anyway- was wide-eyed. Ishmael looked for one moment like he might explode. 

Then, sternly, he narrowed his eyes and said, “Well. I won’t force you-” 

“Then don’t.” Nick said. “Later, sluts.” 

And with that, the Baudelaires walked out of the tent.


	32. in which the Baudelaires make camp

**CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO**

_ in which the Baudelaires make camp _

“I feel like we weren’t supposed to do that.” Violet said, as they walked away from the beach. 

“It’s bullshit.” Nick said. 

“Bullshit!” Solitude repeated, and Babbitt chirped their approval. 

“Ishmael says nobody goes to the far side of the island. We could hang there.” Lilac said carefully. “Find all the shit he’s thrown away.” 

“We probably shouldn’t walk that far. We’ll want to investigate the shores when storms hit, and you probably can’t travel far at the moment.” Violet said. “There’s a grove of trees over there, we can set up camp at least for the night. Maybe explore a little farther in the morning.” 

“Good plan.” Lilac nodded. “Maybe we should’ve stolen some extra bandages.” 

“Would that be wicked?” Solitude asked. 

“I don’t care.” Sunny huffed. 

“I’m with Sunny on this.” Klaus said. “Too much shit has happened to us. Let’s survive, and have existential crises once we’re safe.” 

“We’ll need to find out when the tide comes, so we can get off this stupid island.” Lilac said. 

“I doubt Ishmael would let us use their outrigger, but perhaps we can build a boat.” Violet said. 

“In a few days?” Solitude asked. 

“We’ve done harder things.” Violet said. 

“True.” Nick said. “In the meantime, we can get coconuts for food.” 

“Cook with this.” Sunny then pulled, from her pocket, a small metal utensil. 

Klaus looked at her in surprise. “Where’d you get a whisk?” 

“Friday.” 

Lilac smiled a little, leaning onto Violet’s shoulder. “It looks like Friday’s not as into the rules as Ishmael would want.” 

“Ishmael’s a punk ass bitch.” Nick said. “And I am  _ not _ dealing with him, thank you very much.” 

“You won’t have to.” Lilac assured him. “Come on, let’s find some place to sleep.” 

In the small clearing between the trees, Violet settled Lilac beneath a tree, before she and Nick ran off to scavenge the beach. Klaus, Soli and Sunny managed to gather enough driftwood to make a decent firepit, and Klaus used his glasses and the rapidly setting sun to set a fire using the scientific principles of convergence and refraction of light. Violet and Nick soon returned with a small bowl of random items, their broken sail, and some of the towels they’d used as a drag chute, and then the two of them climbed the trees to get them coconuts, while Klaus and Lilac figured out how to set up the fabric as a tent. 

“Think you can make something of these, Sunshine?” Lilac asked, as Nick and Violet brought back several coconuts. 

Sunny nodded, as they placed them in front of her. “Crusoe,” Sunny said, which meant,  _ “We can drink the milk inside, so long as we don’t allow it to ferment, and I can make us toasted coconut flakes, if you give me some room around the fire.”  _

“Take all the room you need, Sunny.” Lilac said. “We’ll need some form of clothes. I may be able to sew some of this fabric into something, at least until we can wash these.” 

“I bet some clothes wash up on the shores.” Violet said. “But I think the first thing we should do is get fresh water. I can probably make something to catch rainwater, or build a solar water still, and an irrigation ditch if needed.” 

“I read somewhere that if we get to the center of the island, we could dig a well and hit freshwater.” Klaus said. “But I could be wrong.” 

“At least we have coconuts.” Solitude said. “Maybe Babbitt can find us something.” 

Babbitt was lying on the edge of the tent, and looked like they’d rather sleep than do anything useful. 

“Sandstone,” Sunny said, meaning,  _ “Can someone get me something like a bowl?”  _

“We found this on the beach.” Nick dumped their small amount of potentially useful items from the round, cracked bowl, and then held it out. “Will this work?” 

“Sure!” Sunny said. She bit a hole into the coconut, and then held it over the bowl as the liquid inside splashed into it. 

“Perhaps we could find or start a garden.” Lilac said. “Or go fishing.” 

“I bet the islanders would’ve been able to tell us how to get food.” Violet sighed. “Shame they’re all following Ishmael.” 

“As soon as this stab wound stops trying to kill me,” Lilac sat up a bit, pushing her hair back, “I’m going to walk in there and kidnap Friday. That little girl deserves better.” 

“I think everyone in that colony deserves better.” Klaus sighed. “But nobody ever listens to us, so the best thing we can do right now is protect ourselves.” 

They all nodded grimly, as Sunny finished draining the coconut and started shredding it with her teeth. The sun was starting to set, and they knew that soon it would be nightfall. 

“We’ll go to the other side of the island sometime before the tides change. Maybe we’ll be lucky and there’ll be a boat there.” Violet said. “But not until you’re well enough, Li.” 

“It shouldn’t be long.” Lilac hesitantly said, curling up. 

“Don’t worry.” Violet sat beside her, putting her head against her big sister’s. “We’re not leaving.” 

Lilac smiled slightly. “I know.” 

And she did know, which gave her a very good feeling. 

It was a few hours later when Friday came. 

Sunny had finished cooking her toasted coconut flakes, and Klaus had decided the best way to avoid talking about their multitude of issues was to start explaining  _ Beowulf  _ to his siblings, as he and Nick were the only ones who’d read it, but Nick was starting to like hearing Klaus talk about things. 

“So that’s when Beowulf’s like, ‘since he doesn’t use weapons, I won’t either.’” Klaus said, bouncing Sunny on his lap. “And everyone’s like, ‘sounds legit.’” 

“Let me guess, it works out.” Violet says. 

Klaus nodded, smiling as Sunny laughed. “Rips Grendel’s arm clean off.” 

“Rips his  _ fucking _ arm off?” Lilac asked, as if they were at a third grade sleepover and he’d just told her about two people in their class going out. 

“What? Think that’s too violent?” Klaus asked. 

“No, we’re just taking notes.” Solitude giggled. “For when Olaf comes.” 

Nick smiled slightly. “No, no, use the magic sword.” 

“What magic sword?” Violet asked. 

“Keep going, Klaus, get to Grendel’s mom.” Nick said. 

“He’s got a Mom?” Solitude asked in disbelief. 

“Everyone’s got a mother, Soli.” Violet leaned over to tickle the young girl’s stomach. “Even big scary monsters.” 

Nick’s smile faltered. “Even…  _ him.”  _

They all looked at him very sadly. And then, Violet said, “When, um… when were you going to tell us about the opera?” 

Nick curled up. “I don’t know.” 

Violet bit her lip, and then put a hand over his. “We get it.” she assured him. 

“Bit of a hard thing to tell someone.” Klaus said. 

“Ye.” Sunny agreed, curling up against Klaus’s shirt. 

They were silent again, and then Lilac said, “Um, speaking- speaking of hard things to tell- oh.” 

She looked over their shoulders and gasped a little, and they turned, shocked to see Friday peering out from behind a tree. She looked very cautious, but also very curious as she blinked at the kids. 

“Hello.” Violet smiled. “Do you want to come over?” 

Friday nodded, and then walked out; they could see, now, that she held something in a bundle. 

“I snuck you some stuff.” Friday whispered. “When Mother and Ishmael weren’t looking. I figured you might need some help if you’ll be camping alone.” 

Lilac smiled and held back tears. “That was very considerate, Friday. Thank you.” 

Friday knelt beside them and untied the top of the bundle, causing a blanket to spread out, revealing several things inside. “There’s that book knife Ariel brought, I thought you could use it to cut food or something. And that cheese grater, I thought you expressed interest, Sunny. I have some food that Alonso snuck me, and some empty conch shells you can carry liquid in. That’s all I could get.” 

“This is amazing.” Klaus grinned. 

“Thank you, Friday.” Nick said, as Solitude clapped. 

Friday adjusted herself uncomfortably, and then she said, “I heard a- a bit of what you said. What’s a cult?” 

They glanced at each other, and then Solitude crawled over, putting her hand on Friday’s knee. “It’s a group that thinks they’re a religion or something, but is detrimental to the people.” 

“I don’t know what that means.” Friday said. 

“It means a group that traps you and convinces you that if you leave or disobey, you’re worthless.” Klaus said, putting his hands over Sunny. “It’s a very bad thing.” 

“We just got away from one, on the mainland.” Violet said. “We’re not in any rush to- to commit to another.” 

Friday paused. “But the island’s nice. We’re all happy here.” 

“Only because you don’t know anything different.” Nick said. He also put a hand on the small girl’s shoulders. “Good societies encourage curiosity and learning and free will. Ishmael may  _ say _ he’s not forcing anyone to do anything, but from what we’ve seen, he pretty much is. Puts shame on them if they want anything of their own, or want anything different.” 

Friday bit her lip. “They saved my Mother. She and my father were in a shipwreck when she was pregnant with me, and then he got eaten by a manatee and she crashed here.” 

“Manatees are herbivores.” Klaus said. 

“What’s a herbivore?” Friday asked. 

“It means that they only eat plants.” Nick said. “And technically, they sometimes eat fish and clams, but never people.” 

“Oh.” Friday stared very hard at the fire. 

“I’m sorry.” Lilac said carefully. “If… if it helps, we’ve found out a lot of bad things about our family recently.” 

“Ishmael says that you’re all liars,” Friday looked up curiously, “Who want to cause trouble because you hate peace and stability. How do I know you’re not lying to me?” 

The Baudelaires glanced at each other, and then Nick said, “I guess you’ll just have to decide for yourself.” 

“Decide for myself?” Friday blinked. 

“Yeah.” Nick nodded. “Decide what you think is right, who you think is lying, what you want to do.” 

Friday bit her lip, and then admitted, “I guess I haven’t been happy. I mean… I’ve been… sneaking things.” She reached into her pocket, holding out her sunglasses. “Mother and Ishmael told me to get rid of them. But I like them. I never liked the bright light.” 

“I never did, either.” Lilac said. 

“And… I found this and didn’t even show Ishmael.” Friday whispered. “Finn found one a year ago, and Ishmael almost  _ raised his voice.  _ I think it might be a toy.” 

“Really?” Nick asked. “What is it?” 

Friday smiled, and reached into her other pocket, and pulled out the spyglass. 

The Baudelaires froze, staring. Klaus reached a hand to his pocket, and said, “I must have lost it in the storm.” 

“Hope we didn’t lose anything else important.” Violet said, reaching into her pocket. “Ribbon’s still here.” 

“I have my markers.” Nick said. “Friday-” 

“Do you know what this is?” Friday asked. 

“Um, yes.” Lilac said. “It’s a spyglass. It’s used to look at things from far away, but this one was made by… the, um, cult we escaped from, so it can do other things.” 

“We’re not sure of all it can do.” Klaus said. “But we know it can heat things up.” 

Friday looked interested. “Maybe it can make fire.” 

“It’s probably dangerous.” Violet said. 

“Everything’s dangerous.” Solitude said quietly. “But this could be useful still. We could take the risk, even if this came from somewhere bad.” 

They sighed, and then Friday said, “Are… are you gonna be here tomorrow? Are you still gonna sleep here?” 

“Maybe.” Violet said. “We won’t move much until Lilac’s more healed.” 

Friday hesitated. “Can you tell me about the books you’ve read tomorrow?” 

The Baudelaires smiled. “We’d love to.” Violet assured her. 

“And you can drink non-fermented liquids.” Nick said. 

“Only if you want to come, though.” Violet added. 

“I do!” Friday said. “You’re the most interesting thing that’s happened in a while!” She paused, and then handed Solitude the spyglass and sunglasses. “Can you hold these for me? So I don’t get caught.” 

Solitude nodded seriously. “Yup!” 

“Then I’ll come back for em!” Friday giggled. “Alrighty, I’ll see you guys!” 

“See you soon!” Lilac said. “Stay safe, it’s getting dark.” 

“I’ll be fine.” Friday climbed to her feet. “I know this island  _ super  _ well.” 

She waved, and then ran off. 

As soon as she was gone, Violet said, “Did we just adopt a child?” 

“Seven Baudelaires.” Sunny said. 

“Okay, don’t get ahead of yourselves.” Lilac said. “We’re just being nice, trying to break her out of Ishmael’s bullshit. Maybe she’ll get bored of us and go back.” 

“Not likely.” Violet said. 

“Maybe she’ll leave the island with us.” Nick said. 

“Pretty sure that’s kidnapping.” Klaus said. 

Nick’s face fell. “You’re right, we don’t wanna kidnap.” 

“It’s her decision.” Violet said. “And she said whoever wants to leave the island can.” 

“That’s true.” Nick said. “It’s not kidnapping if you’re taking a child  _ out _ of a cult instead of into one.” 

“That’s not how it works at  _ all.”  _ Lilac, despite herself, started laughing. 

And then all six Baudelaires were laughing around the fire, and they felt lighter than they had in a long time. 


	33. in which the Baudelaires begin to heal

**CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE**

_ in which the Baudelaires begin to heal _

“Wait.” Friday narrowed her eyes. “Bears don’t live on beaches.” 

“I _ know!” _ Klaus laughed. “Shakespeare had _ no _ geographical knowledge whatsoever.” 

“Neither do I!” Friday giggled. “I’m the next Shakespeare!” 

Lilac laughed and tossed her a coconut. “Here, Shakespeare, make yourself useful while Klaus infodumps.” 

It had been several days, but the Baudelaires were starting to feel more comfortable in their little corner of the island. They had made their tent much larger, so all six of them could fit without squishing. Friday snuck them enough food that they didn’t quickly grow sick of Sunny’s coconut dishes, and it had rained the night before during a light storm, so they finally had water instead of- thankfully non-fermented- coconut milk. Violet had gathered some materials from the beach, and was working on a water filter, but until then, it was mostly the milk for the time being. 

But the good news was, Friday was, for the first time in what must have been forever, drinking non-fermented milk, whenever she visited, and it was showing. She was laughing and smiling much more, and she was even more curious than she’d been before she started dropping by. She’d been sneaking away more and more with each passing day, listening intently to all of their stories, or paying with Solitude and Babbitt, or helping Sunny with the cooking. 

She’d also managed to sneak them some extra robes, and while the Baudelaires were not fond of them, they also knew they couldn’t stay in one outfit for too long, so every now and again they’d switch into the robes while Lilac and Klaus washed the clothes in the water and then hung them up on a string they tied between two trees. Today was thankfully a ‘clothes day’, and after Klaus spent another few minutes describing the play about the jealous King and lost princess, Friday asked, “Hey, guys?” 

“Ye?” Solitude looked up from the tiny tent she’d set up so Babbitt could have a place to chill by themself. 

“If more clothes or fabric wash up on the beach, can _ I _have a dress?” Friday asked hesitantly. 

“If you want one,” Violet said, sitting beside her and bouncing Sunny on her lap, “We can definitely make you one. Lilac and Nick are very good at sewing.” 

“So am I!” Sunny cheered. 

Friday’s eyes lit up. “Could you teach me?” 

“Of course!” Lilac nodded, beaming. She pushed her braids back, and then said, “How was the storm last night?” 

“Real pretty!” Friday said. “I _ love _thunder!” 

“You know,” Lilac sat in front of her, smiling, “So do I!” 

“It was a bit loud,” Klaus said, waving at Nick as he came out of the trees with a handful of leaves, “But it was nice to get some rain.” 

“Should we go storm-scavenging,” Violet asked, “Or wait until your colony’s finished? We don’t want to cause trouble.” 

“We could go to the Coastal Shelf.” Friday said. “Usually people don’t go until later. If they do, you can just ignore them. Or pretend you’ve kidnapped me or something so they leave you alone.” 

“If we don’t find anything, we’ll at least get some walking in.” Nick said. “Being stuck in one place is a bit frustrating.” 

“I like exploring, I think.” Friday admitted, twirling the spyglass in her hands. “Lilac, Violet said you were going to go to the dangerous side of the island soon. Can I go, too?” 

Lilac glared at Violet, who shrugged. “She _ asked.” _

“Only if you want to.” Lilac said carefully. “I’ve been walking alright, so we should probably go soon and see if there’s a boat we can use for decision day.” 

“You could probably use the outrigger.” Friday said, very hesitantly, as she stared down at the ground. 

“I doubt Bitchmael would let us.” Nick shrugged. “We kinda yelled at him for a while.” 

“Maybe he’d let us, just to get us the hell out.” Violet suggested. 

“That can be our worst-case scenario, if we don’t find a proper boat.” Lilac said. “But first, let’s go check the beach. Violet, I think I can walk on my own.”

“You should at least have a crutch or something. Maybe a walking stick.” Violet said. “We can probably find some driftwood.” 

“Stop worrying,” Lilac smiled, holding out a palm to help Friday to her feet, and taking the small girl’s hand, “That’s my job as biggest sister.”

Her smile faltered slightly, as she glanced at Nick. Nick then quickly said, “Yeah, Vi, it’s her job. Worry about me and Klaus, we’re going to throw ourselves into the sea.” 

“Don’t do that, we might need you as sharkbait.” Violet said. 

“That’s what Olaf’s for.” Solitude said, holding out her hands for Babbitt to leap onto. 

“Sharkbait!” Sunny agreed. 

“Speaking of sharkbait,” Violet grabbed the knife from their sack of supplies, “We better take this in case he shows up.” 

“Good plan, V.” Klaus said. 

They all stood, and Friday and Lilac moved to the front, where Friday could point the way. As she did, she said, “Why would you need sharkbait?” 

“To catch a shark.” Nick said. “They’re endangered, so we don’t _ want _ to kill any, but if we’re desperate for food…” 

“We’ve never eaten shark.” Friday said. “There’s lots of things I’ve never eaten. Sherman says that there’s this thing on the mainland called ‘cake,’ but we don’t have desserts here.” 

“You’d love cake.” Violet said, as Klaus took Sunny, so Violet could be ready to stab at any opportunity. “You seem to like sweet things.” 

“What other sweet things are on land?” Friday asked, jumping over a fallen tree. 

“Chocolate.” Nick said. “And other candy.” 

“Strawberries.” Sunny said. “Jelly.” 

“You.” Violet pocketed her knife and grabbed Friday from behind, causing the girl to burst into laughter. “You’re _ too _ sweet and we’re gonna have to eat you!” 

“Nooo!” Friday couldn’t stop laughing, “Vi, put me down!” 

Lilac laughed and pulled her hair back; her ribbon had been too bloodied to use anymore, so she was using her hands until they could find a replacement. It was getting a bit frustrating, but she didn’t want to complain. They were all doing the best they could. 

Friday looked up at Violet as she kicked the air, and she said, “What else is on the mainland?” 

“Tons of inventing materials.” Violet said. 

“Cars and stoves and boilers and other things to fix.” Lilac said. 

“And things to build.” 

“I miss the libraries.” Klaus sighed. “We haven’t had a decent library in a while.” 

“I miss the roof of Prufrock.” Nick said. “It was fun to drop things on people.” 

“I miss Uncle Monty’s snakes.” Solitude sighed, placing Babbitt on her shoulder. 

“Fountain.” Sunny said. 

“The Fowl Fountain?” Nick shivered. “Why the hell would you miss that?”

Sunny shook her head. “Fountain of Finance. In city.” 

The Baudelaires stopped, and stared at her. “You can’t remember that.” Lilac said.

“You weren’t even a year old.” Violet said. 

Sunny shook her head. “I remember.” 

Friday cocked her head, still held by Violet. “What’s the fountain?” 

“The… Fountain of Victorious Finance.” Lilac said. “It was hot and we were waiting for our Mom outside the bank.” 

“And then Sunny started crying, so Father dunked her in the fountain.” Violet said. “And she laughed, so he kept splashing her.” 

“And then we threw off our shoes and socks and jumped in, too.” Nick sighed. 

“And everyone was staring at us.” Klaus laughed. “And Mother came out of the bank, took one look at us, and then ran to join in.” 

“We walked home all wet.” Solitude remembered. 

They glanced at each other, each feeling a cloud of sadness descending upon them. “That sounds beautiful.” Friday said. 

“It was.” Lilac said. 

They paused, and then Violet said, “We’re gonna have to dunk you in a fountain someday, Fri-girl. So you know how great it is.” 

Friday laughed, and Violet spun a little. Lilac smiled and straightened up again, and said, “Which way, Fri?” 

“Jus’ keep goin’ straight.” Friday giggled as Violet swung her around. “We’ll get there in a few minutes- Vi, put me down!” 

“Alright.” Violet said, and then she tossed Friday at Nick, who caught her and spun her again. Friday let out a delighted shriek, as Solitude clapped and Sunny leaned against Klaus, asking him to do the same. 

Nick managed to lift the little girl onto his shoulders, and she wrapped her hands around his neck and flung back. “Sneak attack!” she said, and Nick let out a mock gasp as he fell. He twirled so that Friday landed on his back, and they burst into laughter again. 

“Okay, guys, but we _ should _ get to the beach.” Klaus said, smiling as Solitude decided now was a good time to throw herself on top of Nick and Friday to join the pile. 

“Join us!” Nick said, looking up at him. “We’re becoming one with the sand!” 

“No, no, we-” Friday reached over and pulled on Klaus’s leg, dragging him down with them, and Sunny cheered as they hit the ground. 

“Yeet!” Violet shouted, as she threw herself beside her siblings, and after a second, Lilac flopped over, too. 

“You know what?” Friday said, as Sunny pushed Klaus’s head into the sand, and he retaliated by dunking her in almost completely, “You guys are cool.” 

“Oh, are we?” Lilac rolled onto her stomach, smirking. “Then I guess we won’t shove sand in your hair.” 

“No, no, do _ that!” _Friday said. “That sounds like fun!” 

“You asked for it, Fri-girl.” Violet said, and she grabbed a handful of sand and dumped it onto her head. 

Friday laughed and clapped. “You’re _ so _ much more fun than the other kids! They keep telling me-” She sat up straighter, and imitated a deep voice. “‘Don’t rock the boat, Friday, we don’t play school here. School is discouraged.’” 

“Well, Prufrock Prep sucked.” Nick said. “But I bet there’s good schools.” 

“Didn’t you go to other schools?” Friday asked. 

Violet shook her head. “We were homeschooled before the fire.” 

“That means our parents taught us, or we taught ourselves.” Klaus said. 

Friday sighed. “I wish my mother would teach me things. All she shows me how to do are my chores for the colony, and how to do my hair. She didn’t want me to learn how to read, and she always gets mad when I ask too many questions.” 

The Baudelaires shared a cautious look. “That sucks.” Solitude said, sitting beside her. “You should learn everything.” 

“Isn’t it dangerous?” Friday asked, glancing over with a frown on her face. “To know everything?” 

Nick shuddered. “Yes.” he said. “There are some things you… you don’t want to learn. But that shouldn’t stop you. It shouldn’t keep you from being curious.” He scooted over to her, and poked her stomach, which caused her to giggle again. “Listen to me, Friday… what’s your last name, sweetie?” 

“Caliban!” 

“Alright. You listen to me, Friday Caliban. You never stop being curious. There’s so much in this world to learn, you hear me?” 

“I hear ya, Nicknack.” Friday smiled. 

“And,” Nick said, “Also promise me you won’t drink that coconut drug shit anymore.” 

Friday grinned. “Keep a secret? I haven’t since I started visiting you, and you gave me actual milk. It tastes better.” 

“Okay, but we just wanna make sure you’re not drowsy and forgetful and in danger.” Klaus said. “We don’t want you getting hurt.” 

“Poppy,” Sunny said, which meant, _ “And it’s probably not a good idea for a seven-year-old to be high.” _

Friday smiled, and hugged her knees. “Gotcha.” she glanced at Lilac. “And you can promise me a dress?” 

“First chance we get.” Lilac ruffled the girl’s hair fondly. “But first, we have to get to the beach. Maybe if we’re lucky, we’ll find fabric first thing.” 

“I hope so.” Friday beamed. “I hope we find a ton of interesting stuff.” 

“I hope we find books.” Klaus said. 

“Or a boat.” said Solitude, practically. 

“I hope we find Olaf, dead in a ditch.” Violet said. 

“I hope he’s alive so we can stab him.” Nick said. 

“Well,” Lilac stood. “We won’t know until we get there. Friday, you’re still our navigator.” 

“Okee!” Friday leapt to her feet, happy that she was important in this. “Follow me, Baudelaires!” 


	34. in which Friday goes off-book

**CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR**

_ in which Friday goes off-book _

“The ocean looks so pretty today.” Solitude said, as she gripped Nick’s hand and toddled ahead of them. 

Friday nodded, skipping over some stones and walking along the gray line of the coastal shelf. “It’s always pretty after a storm.” 

“Do you think there were any other castaways?” Lilac asked, taking Sunny’s hand to help her over some driftwood. 

“I dunno. Probably not, they usually show up first thing.” Friday narrowed her eyes, squinting through the light fog. “Unless that’s a boat.” 

They looked ahead, seeing some kind of figure on the edge of the shelf. It was hard to say what it looked like, only that it was large, and square and ragged. 

Lilac picked up Sunny, pushing her hair back, and Nick grabbed Solitude, while Klaus and Violet each grabbed one of Friday’s hands. They approached cautiously, and realized that the object was not a ship, but stacks and stacks of books, wrapped together with green straps. Water and damp pages trickled out from all sides, and as they approached, they saw a foot hanging over the edge, an eye tattooed on the ankle. 

“Olaf?” Sunny asked, but her siblings shook their heads. 

“If I climb onto Nick’s back,” Violet said, “We can hoist Sunny and Soli up.” 

“Lilac could stand on me shoulders, if that won’t hurt her,” Nick said, “And Klaus can get on yours, Vi. We all know he sucks shit at climbing but he can probably hold for long enough to get Sunny up.” 

“Thanks for that, dick.” Klaus said. 

“I can probably climb.” Friday said, moving a little farther down the wall. “I’ve climbed trees before. What’s this thing made of?” 

Klaus started. “Friday, these are books.” 

Her eyes widened.  _ “These  _ are books? They all have stories in them?” 

Klaus nodded, smiling. “That’s right! But let’s find out who’s on top first, before we start grabbing books, okay?” 

Friday nodded seriously. “I’ll check around the back to see if anything fell, while you guys check out the person. I’ll just be over there if you need me.” 

“Let us know if you need anything.” Lilac said, and Friday nodded and ran around the corner. 

“Okay, girls, let’s go up.” Nick said, handing Solitude to Lilac. Lilac climbed on his back and lifted Solitude, while Klaus struggled onto Violet’s and lifted Sunny. The two girls climbed on top of the books, and immediately recognized the woman laying there, in a damp dress of dark velvet. The foot hanging over the cube was bent in a strange way, but she otherwise looked unharmed. 

“Kit!” Sunny called to her siblings. 

“Kit Snicket?” Lilac shouted. 

“No, Kit Kittredge.” Solitude sighed. 

“What the hell is Kit Snicket-” Nick began. 

And then they heard a chilly, familiar voice squeak, “Yes?”

Lilac threw her arms in front of her siblings, only for Violet and Nick to grab her arms and push her behind them. 

A figure stepped out of the mist to greet the children, and Sunny and Soli frowned down the book tower. It was Count fucking Olaf, wearing a streaked red dress, and a pile of seaweed on his head to resemble long hair. 

“Holy fucking shit, dude.” Nick said. “This is low even for you.” 

“I don’t know what you mean.” Olaf said in a high-pitched voice. 

“What is going on?” 

The Baudelaires jumped and turned; through the fog was coming a crowd of islanders, who had been ready to storm scavenge. They looked in confusion at the group, and then Lilac said, “This is Count Olaf!” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” said Olaf. “I’m Kit Snicket.” 

“Yeah, no.” the Baudelaires jumped as Friday stepped back with them, staring over at Olaf. “You’re Count Olaf, and I thought I told you to go away.” 

“Friday!” said Dr Kurtz. “We’ve been looking all over for you! You weren’t with the sheep-” 

“We can talk about that later.” Friday said nervously, and Solitude noticed a bulge under her dress that hadn’t been there before. “Firstly,  _ this _ is Count Olaf, the bad man.” 

“No, I’ve never heard of this Count Olaf.” said Count Olaf. 

“Dude,” said Larsen, “You’re clearly in some kind of dumb disguise. If Friday says you’re Count Olaf, then you’re Count Olaf.” 

“Why, of course not!” 

“Why is he dressed as a pregnant woman?” said Professor Fletcher. 

“Because I  _ am _ a pregnant woman.” Count Olaf said. “My name is Kit Snicket, and I’ve been looking everywhere for these children.” 

“You’re not Kit Snicket!” said Ariel. 

“Kit Snicket is up on this pile of books,” Violet said, reaching up to help Sunny down from the top of the cube, as Nick grabbed Soli, “She may be hurt or ill. But this is Count Olaf!” 

“Well,” said Brewster, considering, “Ishmael did suggest that we stop listening to you, because you were spreading lies. And your friend is on a pile of books, which are bound to lead to trouble.” 

“However, he also told us this Count Olaf was a wicked person.” Fletcher said. “And we should always help the injured.” 

“Let’s get Ishmael.” said Omeros. 

“How can you get him if he doesn’t move?” Nick asked. 

“We’ll put his chair on the sleigh and have the sheep drag him here.” said Sherman. “Friday, you stay to guard, and we’ll be right back.” 

“We should get some more coconut cordial, too.” said Madame Nordoff. “My seashell’s almost empty.” 

“Stop  _ drinking  _ that shit!” Nick said, but the islanders just shrugged him off and wandered away. In a few minutes, the colonists were nothing more than faint shapes on the misty horizon. 

“Don’t worry, Baudelaires. They’ll get rid of him.” Friday said. 

“Or us.” Lilac said worryingly. 

“But you haven’t done anything wrong.” said Friday. 

“Neither have I!” said Olaf, in his high-pitched voice. 

“Please, please stop.” Klaus said. “Please just shut the fuck up and go die somewhere.” 

“Oh, I don’t think you’d want me to stop pretending.” the villain said, still in his false voice. He reached behind him, and then pulled out the harpoon gun, with its bright red trigger and one last harpoon. “If I were to say that I was Count Olaf, instead of Kit Snicket, I might start behaving like a villain, rather than a noble person.” 

“You’ve never behaved like a noble person.” Klaus said. “And that weapon doesn’t scare us.” 

“You only have one harpoon, dipshit.” Nick crossed his arms as Solitude let Babbitt onto the coastal shelf to explore, “And this island is full of people who aren’t huge fans of weapons.” 

“Yeah, that shit is useless.” Friday said. 

Olaf raised his eyebrow. “Why, Baudelaires, you’ve corrupted this young girl’s language.” 

“Go to hell.” Friday said. 

“Oh my God,” Violet put an arm around the girl, “I’ve never been prouder of anyone.” 

“You’ll be prouder of me when I get my first book!” Friday practically buzzed with excitement. “You know, Ishmael said it wasn’t a good idea to teach us Island Kids to read, but Professor Fletcher taught us in secret.” 

“Ishmael forced you all to stay illiterate?” Violet asked. 

Friday bit her lip. “He doesn’t force anyone. But everyone agrees with him.” 

Sunny wandered over to her, and then took her whisk out of her pocket. “Whisk.” 

Friday smiled. “Good to see you still have that, Sun. I thought it’d be nice if you had something to help you cook. You’ll keep my secret, won’t you?” 

“Of course.” Lilac said, kneeling in front of her. “But you shouldn’t have to deal with Ishmael’s- hold on.” She looked over Friday’s shoulder. “Olaf, don’t wander off, we still have to kill you. Violet, use your knife if he moves again.” Olaf groaned and turned back, and then Lilac continued, “As I was saying, you shouldn’t have to deal with Ishmael’s rules, no matter what pressure the people put on you to listen to him.” 

Friday bit her lip. “I love learning, Baudelaires, and exploring, but I don’t want to rock the boat. Ever since my father’s… whatever happened to him, my mother has wanted me to be safe, which is why we left the world far behind and decided to stay on the island. But the older I get, it seems the more secrets I have. Professor Fletcher taught me secretly to read. Omeros taught me secretly to skip rocks, even though Ishmael says it’s dangerous. I secretly sneak out to meet you all every day.” She reached into robe, and smiled. “And now I have another secret, just for me. Look what I found curled up on the other side of the books!” 

Count Olaf had been glaring silently at the children, but as Friday revealed her secret, he let out a shriek even more high-pitched than his fake voice. But the Baudelaire orphans did not shriek, staring hard at the long, thick creature, dark as a coal mine, that leapt forwards and immediately pounced upon Sunny. Normally, this would cause the Baudelaires quite a bit of distress. 

But instead, Solitude let out a shriek of pure joy. “Incredi!” she yelled, and Babbitt leapt on top of the snake as it wrapped around the youngest Baudelaire. 

The other Baudelaires beamed. “It’s the Incredibly Deadly Viper!” Lilac said in amazement. 

“How did it get  _ here?”  _ Violet said. 

Friday stared at them and then blinked very, very slowly. “That thing I was holding,” she said, “Was called  _ what?”  _

“No, no, don’t worry.” Lilac put a hand on her shoulder. “It’s a misnomer, which means it was given a very wrong name- by our Uncle Monty, actually.” 

“It’s one of the least deadly and most friendly creatures in the animal kingdom.” Klaus said, smiling as Sunny hugged the snake wrapped around her, biting it affectionately, and Solitude ran up to join in, staring at the snake in pure wonder. 

“I don’t know much about the animal kingdom.” Friday moved to sit beside Sunny and Soli and the snake, watching with interest. “There’s so much of the world I’m missing by living here.” 

“The world is a wicked place,” Count Olaf said quietly, and now it was the Baudelaires who shuddered. 

But only a few seconds after that, they saw the approach of the sheep. The mist had cleared a little, and Ishmael, still sitting on his white chair with his feet covered in hunks of clay, was being pulled on the sleigh, with all the rest of the villagers behind him. But as they approached, they realized something else was on the sleigh; the ornate silver birdcage from the last storm. 

“Count Olaf.” Ishmael said in a booming voice, as soon as his chair arrived. He stared down at the villain scornfully but also carefully, as if memorizing his face. 

“Ishmael,” said a disgusted Count Olaf. 

“Call me Ish.” 

“Call me Kit Snicket.” 

“I’m not going to call you anything.” Ishmael said. “Your reign of treachery is over, Olaf. You’ll be locked up immediately.” 

Jonah and Sadie lifted the bird cage from the sleigh, set it on the ground and pushed open its door. With a nod from Ishmael, Weyden and Ms Marlow wrestled the harpoon gun from Olaf’s hands and dragged him into the bird cage, shoving him inside. 

Sunny’s eyes lit up, as the Incredibly Deadly Viper unraveled itself and slithered behind her. “Karma.” she said, eyes sparkling. 

The villain fit in the cage, but just barely. “This isn’t fair!” he said. “I’m Kit Snicket, a pregnant woman, and you’re locking me up and leaving those treacherous children out!” 

“Oh, fuck. Forgot they hated us.” Nick whispered, just as the islanders turned to look at them. Some of them were glaring, while others looked merely curious. Ishmael’s gaze was unreadable, but the children felt cold as he looked at them. 

“We’re just here to help Kit.” Lilac said cautiously, standing up straight and pushing her hair back. “We don’t want any trouble.” 

Before Ishmael could speak, they heard a gasp. Miranda, Friday’s mother, stepped forwards. “Friday!” she shouted. “Get away from that snake! It’ll hurt you!” 

Friday, still sitting beside Soli and Sunny, glanced to the Incredibly Deadly Viper and shook her head. “No. The Baudelaires said it’s friendly.” 

“They’re treacherous, Friday!” Miranda said darkly, giving the children glares. “Get away from them, too. Come here!” 

“Yes, Friday, come back.” Ishmael said. “I won’t force you, but I think you should stick with us from now on.” 

Friday stiffened, her eyes going wide with fear as she gazed onto the crowd of islanders. She glanced from them to the Baudelaires. Slowly, Lilac grabbed Violet’s hand, squeezing it, and said, “It’s your decision, Fri.” Nick and Klaus nodded, and Sunny leaned on Soli’s shoulder and stroked the Incredibly Deadly Viper, who still had Babbitt cuddling on its head. 

“It’s my…” Friday repeated, staring at the sand. 

“Friday!” Miranda shouted. “Come  _ here!”  _

Friday sighed and stood up, taking a few steps forwards. She looked at her mother, and her mother’s outstretched arms, and then out at the crowd. Watching her. Waiting for her to listen. 

And then she stepped back. 

“No,” she said. “No, I don’t think so.” 

Miranda’s eyes widened. “Friday!” 

“I think I want to stay here.” Friday said. “I want the books. And the snake. And the Baudelaires.” 

Ishmael turned his eyes to the girl as her mother gasped. “Friday,” he said, “Don’t rock the boat. Books and snakes and those children- they’re dangerous.” 

“I  _ think,”  _ Friday said sternly, stomping her foot. “I want to stay  _ here.  _ You all can go if you want.” 

“Friday!” said a young boy- Omeros. “You know this place’ll flood tomorrow for Decision Day!” 

“So I won’t be here for that.” Friday shrugged. “But for right now, I want to stay  _ here.”  _ She looked over at Ishmael, and then said, “You can’t force me.” 

And then she spun on her heel and ran for Lilac, throwing her arms around her and hugging her tight. Lilac started, surprised, but she hugged the girl back, and then turned to glare at Ishmael. 

Ishmael looked a bit like he was struggling to keep calm and maintain control of the situation, which made the Baudelaires very happy. “Friday,” he said, “I strongly suggest you get away from these children.” 

“She made her decision.” Nick said. 

Ishmael turned to glare at him. “I think you’ve all been putting thoughts in her head.” 

Lilac gripped tighter to the girl. “Lay a hand on her and we’ll beat you senseless.” 

“Oh, please do.” said Olaf from his birdcage. 

“That goes for you, too, asswipe!” Lilac shouted. 

“Are you threatening our facilitator?” gasped Alonso. 

“We just want to be left alone.” Klaus said. 

“If you’re threatening our facilitator,” Miranda said darkly, “Then we’ll have to find birdcages for all of you.” 

Nick stepped back, and Sunny bared her teeth, and at that moment, Friday ripped herself away from Lilac, and said, “I’m sorry! I made a mistake!” 

The Baudelaires gasped quietly, and the Islanders looked relieved. Ishmael even looked smug. 

And then Friday leapt across the shelf, jumping beside the toddlers. There, she picked up the Incredibly Deadly Viper, letting Babbitt slide onto Solitude’s head, and then she ran back to stand in front of the Baudelaires. 

“This isn’t a friendly snake!” she shouted. “It’s called the Incredibly Deadly Viper! It only listens to the Baudelaires, so if you try to trap them, it’ll attack!” 

The colonists gasped and stepped back, and Solitude ran forwards and started imitating the viper’s hisses, hoping to look like she was talking to it. It cocked its head curiously at her, but that did enough of a trick that Miranda looked like she might pass out, and Willa immediately pushed someone in front of her. 

Ishmael just gave the snake a look. “That snake is harmless.” he said. “It used to live here, actually, when-” 

He cut himself off, his eyes going a bit wide. Seeing this reaction, Nick stepped towards Friday, putting a hand on her shoulder. “When? Go ahead, Ishmael, tell us when.” 

Ishmael opened and closed his mouth a few times, and then he said, “You know what? You Baudelaires remaining here will be punishment enough. This area will flood tomorrow, and you and Count Olaf will be off of our island forever, unable to rock the boat. Friday, when you are done playing with these scoundrels, we will welcome you back. Would you like some cordial before we leave? Perhaps your shell is empty.” 

Friday stared at him, and then passed the snake to Nick. Then she took her shell, and, while looking Ishmael dead in eye, slammed it onto the sand and stomped on it. It crashed into tiny pieces, and the remains of the fermented coconut milk spilled into the water. The colonists gasped, and Miranda grabbed tight onto her own shell and backed up. 

Ishmael stared at the broken pieces, and then over at Friday. 

And then he said, “We should leave.” 

The islanders slowly turned the sleigh around, leading the sheep, and Ishmael off. Miranda stopped behind the group, watching Friday carefully. “Friday, come on.” she pleaded, holding out her hand. 

Friday just stared at her, and then she said, very slowly and clearly, “Manatees are herbivores.” 

Miranda was silent for a moment, and then she turned and followed the colonists away. 

There was a tense silence, and then Friday turned around and threw herself back at Lilac. The eldest Baudelaire hugged her tight, and said, “It’s okay. It’s okay. You did good, Friday, you did so good.” 

Violet came closer, and also put her arms around the girl, followed by Nick and Klaus, and finally Sunny and Soli. “Good job, Fri-girl.” Violet whispered. “Good job.” 


	35. in which the Baudelaires plan a mutiny

**CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE**

_ in which the Baudelaires plan a mutiny _

Friday cried a little, though she tried to make sure the Baudelaires did not notice. They let her sit against the book cube with them, and Klaus managed to get one loose from the top. She sat on Violet’s lap, head against her shoulder, while Klaus flipped it open. 

“You might like this one, Fri.” he said softly. “Fairytales.” 

“Fairytales?” Friday asked in a quiet voice. 

Klaus nodded. “Cinderella. East of the Sun and West of the Moon. The Juniper Tree. Little Match Girl- might skip that one, actually. Do you want to try to read it?” 

Friday shut her eyes. “Maybe you could read it for a bit?” 

Klaus nodded and smiled, and he flipped it open and read aloud for a little while. Friday remained curled up against Violet, while Lilac kept pushing her hair back and investigating the raft of books, and Nick held Soli and Sunny in his lap and bounced them a little. Babbitt was hopping around with the Incredibly Deadly Viper, scurrying between the waves in some kind of game. After a bit, Solitude crawled off Nick’s lap to join them, while Friday just laid against Violet. 

After what seemed like hours, she fell asleep, but Klaus kept reading until the sky had grown too dark to continue. He shut the book, standing up to place it back on the raft. “I feel guilty.” he said. “She shouldn’t be alone.” 

“She also shouldn’t be with those people.” Nick said. 

“She’s not alone.” Lilac said, glancing down at the girl. “We’ll take care of her as long as we need to.” 

“Can we do that?” Klaus asked. 

“Well, we’ve taken care of each other.” Lilac sighed. “And we’re all still alive, aren’t we?” 

“I guess we are.” Violet said. Then, quietly, she said, “Do you think something’s wrong with Kit?” 

“I think she’s alright. Just tired.” Klaus said, peering up. “Except her ankle. That’s gotta hurt.” 

“She can’t have come far on a boat of paper. She must have crashed nearby” Nick said. “I hope she wakes up soon, and tells us what happened to her.” 

“We need to get her down here for a medical examination.” Lilac said. “Anyone think they can do that?” 

“Get her down or examine her? Cause we can’t do either of those.” Klaus said. 

“I have an idea.” they jumped as they heard Olaf, from his birdcage; he’d been sulking for a long time in silence. “Let me out and I’ll tell you what it is.” 

“Not happening, fuckface.” Violet said. 

“Suit yourself.” said Olaf. “But you know what? I bet those islanders won’t let you back onto Olaf-Land, now that you’ve recruited one of their own.” 

“We didn’t recruit her, shit-for-brains.” Nick spat. “And we can find a way off this shelf before it floods. Maybe somewhere to watch you drown.” 

“If it weren’t for you,” Klaus said. “We wouldn’t be on this fucking island in the first place.” 

“Don’t be so sure of that.” Count Olaf curled his mouth into a smile. “Everything eventually washes up on these shores. Do you think you’re the first Baudelaires to find yourselves here?” 

“What do you mean?” Sunny demanded. 

“Let me out and I’ll tell you.” 

“Don’t listen to him.” Lilac said to her siblings. “He’s trying to trick us.” 

“Of course I’m trying to trick you!” Olaf cried. “That’s the way of the world, Baudelaires! Everybody runs around with their secrets and their schemes, trying to outwit everyone else. Ishmael outwitted me, and put me in this cage. But I know how to outwit him and all his islander friends. If you let me out, I can be king of Olaf-Land, and you six can be my new henchfolk.” 

“No chance, dickfuck.” Nick said. 

“We don’t want to be your henchfolk,” hissed Solitude, “We want to be safe.” 

“Nowhere in the world is safe.” Olaf said. 

“Shut up.” Violet said, a bit too loudly; Friday started to stir on her lap. “Shh, Fri, it’s okay, you can go back to sleep.” 

“What…?” Friday blinked and rubbed her eyes. 

“No, no, it’s okay, we’re just telling bastard man to fuck off.” Nick said. 

“No, I can…” Friday sat up. “I shouldn’t be- we should find somewhere to go.” 

“Are you cold?” Lilac asked. “We can try to find you a dress. We said we would, but someone should say here with Kit…” 

“I’m okay.” Friday stood up, giving Violet a smile. She wandered over towards Olaf’s cage, looking at him curiously. “Are you comfortable?” 

“Not especially.” he said. 

“Hmm, alright.” Friday said. She glanced at the shelf beneath her. “You can see where the sheep were standing over here. I wonder if they knew what was going on.” 

“Animals can be smart.” Solitude said, leaning on the Incredibly Deadly Viper as Babbit jumped down. “Like Babbitt.” 

“Yes.” Friday giggled. “Babbitt’s very nice.” 

Babbitt hopped over to her, jumping on her shoe a moment, and then they leapt down and started sniffing around. 

“Oh!” Solitude jumped up. “They’re looking for something.” 

She ran towards Friday, grabbing her hand as they watched the frog hop around. They stopped above something dark in the sand, and Friday and Solitude moved that way, kneeling beside it. Soli pulled it out, and said, “It’s an apple core.” 

“We only have apples on the far side of the island.” Friday said confusedly. “Nobody would have an apple core that would end up here.” 

“Are you sure?” Olaf laughed, and Friday jumped. “Because that’s just a few feet from where Ishmael was sitting. The dumb bastard dropped it from his sleeve.” 

Friday shook her head. “No… Ishmael may be a jerk, but he- he can’t even get to the far side of the island, his feet don’t work.” 

“That’s what you think.” Olaf said. “Every day while you idiots do all the work for him, he sneaks off to the far side of the island and eats apples. His feet are perfectly fine, he’s just a lazy ass.” 

“No.” Friday shook her head. “No, he’s hurt, he-” she stared down at the apple, and slowly, Nick picked up Sunny, stood, and moved behind her to put a hand on her shoulder. 

Violet and Lilac shared a look, and then approached the birdcage. “What is your plan?” Violet asked. 

“Let me out of this cage and I’ll tell you.” Olaf said. 

“Tell us first and maybe we’ll let you out.” said Klaus. 

“Let me out first.” 

“Tell us first.” Solitude said, tossing the apple core to the ground. 

“I can argue with you all day.” Olaf said. “Let me out, or I’ll take my plan to my grave.” 

“We can think of a plan without you.” Lilac said. “We’ve managed to escape plenty of difficult situations.” 

“I have the only weapon that can threaten Ishmael and his supporters.” Olaf said. 

“Omeros took your harpoon gun away, asshole.” Nick said. 

“Not the harpoon gun, you dipshit.” Olaf said. “I’m talking about the Medusoid Mycelium.” 

Solitude let out a shocked screech, stumbling back. Nick grabbed her with his free arm, while Sunny let out a cry and Violet and Lilac stepped back. 

“The mushroom you said poisoned Soli?” Friday asked. “I thought you said that was lost in the storm.” 

“It was. It’s gone.” Klaus said. 

“I’m not really pregnant.” Olaf said with a caged grin. “The diving helmet containing the spores of the Medusoid Mycelium is hidden in this dress I’m wearing. If you let me out, I can threaten the entire colony with these deadly mushrooms. All those robed fools will be my slaves!” 

“They’ll never agree to that!” snapped Friday, turning on the villain with angry eyes. 

“Then I’ll smash the helmet open,” Olaf smirked, “And this whole island will be destroyed.” 

“And we’ll be destroyed, too, dickfuck.” Klaus said. 

“Yomhashoah,” Sunny said, putting a hand on Solitude’s shoulder, saying, _ “Never again.” _

“We’ll escape on the outrigger, fool.” Olaf said. 

“Don’t count on it.” Friday said. “We can use the boat to leave this island without threatening everyone. Anyone who wants to leave can.” 

Olaf smirked at her, and Lilac quickly stepped in front of the young girl. “You still believe Ishmael lets people do whatever they want? He sure argued with you quite a bit, and only relented because you’ll drown tomorrow. He’s always in control.” 

“How would you know?” Friday said. “You’ve only been here a few days!” 

“Just like us.” Violet nodded. 

“Just like you.” the villain repeated mockingly. “Do you think your pathetic history is the only story in the world? Do you think this island has just sat here in the sea, waiting for you to wash up on its shores? Do you think I just sat in my home in the city, waiting for you miserable orphans to stumble into my life?” 

“Boswell,” Sunny said, meaning, _ “Your life doesn’t interest me,” _and the Incredibly Deadly Viper hissed in agreement. 

“I could tell you stories, Baudelaires.” Count Olaf said. “I could tell you secrets about people and places you’d never dream of.” He then turned, with a smirk, to Nick. “Isn’t that right? Or have you already told your dear siblings everything you’ve learned?” 

Nick shut his eyes, shaking slightly. “You’re a monster, and we’ll never let you out.” 

“Did you tell them the full story of the poison darts? Or-” 

“You can shut the fuck up, or we’ll shove something in your mouth to gag you.” Violet said, putting an arm around Nick as Soli and Sunny hissed. 

Olaf smirked. “Aw, do they know about your little Snicket-” 

“We _ know,” _ Lilac snapped, giving him a glare that could burn mountains, _ “Exactly _what we need to know.” 

Olaf turned to look at her, and she met his gaze with a cold, hard look. And then she said, “Die out here. See if we care.” She turned to Friday, and said softly, “Do you want to try reading?” 

Friday glanced down at where the apple core landed and nervously nodded, and Lilac took her hand and led her to the cube. But as Friday looked at the spines, they heard a coughing. 

“Kit!” Lilac said. 

The Baudelaires ran to the edge of the crate, looking up. 

“Kit, you’re awake!” Violet called. 

Very faintly, they heard her say, “Baudelaires? It’s really you?” 

“It’s us!” Violet said. 

“We’re here!” Solitude cheered. 

“Where are we?” Kit asked. 

The Baudelaires glanced to each other. “The island!” Friday called. “Or, more specifically, a coastal shelf.” 

Kit sighed, apparently not noticing the new voice was unfamiliar to her. “Of course. I should have known I’d be here. Eventually, everything washes up on these shores.” 

“Have you been here before?” Klaus asked. 

“No,” Kit said, “But I’ve heard about it. My associates told me stories of its mechanical wonders, enormous library, and gourmet meals. Why, the day before I met you, Baudeaires, I shared Turkish coffee with an associate who was saying that he’d never had better Oysters Rockefeller than during his time on the island.” 

“What the fuck?” Nick said. 

The Baudelaires looked to each other, confused, as Friday said, “You must be on the wrong island. We don’t have anything here but our tents.” 

Kit sat up a little, looking down, just enough to see the shapes beneath her; the Baudelaires could barely see her blurry face. “I guess that’s true.” she sighed. “Thursday did say the colony had suffered a schism.” 

Friday was silent for a moment, shocked, and then she said, “Thursday?” 

“Yes, my associate. He had to leave because he didn’t agree with the new leadership, or something.” 

“Thursday’s my father’s name.” Friday said, gripping tight onto Lilac’s arm and paling. “He’s dead. Not from a manatee, but-” 

Kit shook her head. “No, I just had coffee with him. I told you-” 

“He left the island?” Friday gasped. 

Kit narrowed her eyes. “Baudelaires, who is that?” 

“Her name is Friday.” Nick said. “How did you get here? Did you find the Quagmires?” 

Kit hesitated. “Yes. We saw your smoke signal and knew the hotel wasn’t safe. I knew you wouldn’t fail me.” 

Nick looked very, very angry. “We set. A hotel. On _ fire.” _he said. 

Kit bit her lip. “Well-” 

“You sent us in there with no knowledge of the area, no idea what to do, and expected us to set shit on fire if it didn’t work out.” Nick said. 

“Nick.” Lilac whispered. “Nick, she’s-” 

“And now we’re _ stuck here _ with _ Count Olaf _ in a birdcage!” Nick said. 

“And the Incredibly Deadly Viper.” Solitude pointed out. 

Kit, who had been watching Nick with sad eyes, said, “I’m glad Ink is safe. Let me just come down-” 

She gasped with pain, and Violet quickly said, “Don’t move! Your ankle is injured!” 

“Both my feet have been injured.” Kti corrected ruefully, lying back down. “The telegram device fell on my legs when the submarine was attacked. I need your help, Baudelaires. I need to be someplace safe.” 

“We’ll do everything we can.” Klaus said. 

“Maybe we can move this raft to the island.” Violet said. “Sneak past the colonists- or Lilac and I could build a stretcher.” 

Friday turned around, and then said quietly, “Or we could ask them.” 

The Baudelaires followed her gaze, and saw flashlights on the horizon. As they watched, figures ran closer, and they saw the young face of Finn, and the older face of Erewhon, who was holding a basket. 

“Finn!” Friday waved, and the young girl ran forwards and hugged her. 

“Friday! Are you alright?” Finn asked. 

“I’m fine. The Baudelaires are giving me _ books!” _Friday cheered. 

“We brought you some supper.” Erewhon said, holding out the basket. “We were concerned you might be hungry out here.” 

“Is there enough for our friend?” Klaus asked. “She’s regained consciousness.” 

“There’s enough for everyone.” Finn said. “So long as you keep it a secret that we came here. Ishmael might not think it was proper.” 

“I’m surprised he didn’t forbid your flashlights.” Nick said coldly. 

“He doesn’t forbid anything,” Finn said. “But he did suggest I let the sheep take it to the arboretum. Instead, I slipped it into my robe, as a secret, and Madame Nordoff has been secretly supplying me with batteries in exchange for my secretly teaching her how to yodel, which Ishmael says might frighten the other islanders.” 

“And Miranda secretly slipped me this picnic basket,” Erewhon said, “In exchange for my secretly teaching her the backstroke, which Ishmael says is not the customary way to swim.” 

“Mother did that?” Friday looked very confused. “She… she doesn’t seem the type to disobey Ishmael.” 

“Well, all of us have secrets.” Finn said. 

“Speaking of,” Erewhon said, “Turn the flashlight off. We don’t want to be seen from the island. We have one more secret to discuss.” 

Finn flickered off the light, shadowing them in darkness, and Lilac said, “What’s going on?” 

“Do you know the meaning of the word ‘mutiny’?” Finn asked. 

“Yes.” Violet nodded nervously. 

“I don’t.” Friday said. 

“It’s when a group of people take action against a leader.” Klaus explained. 

“A mutiny is going to take place at breakfast, instead of the Decision Day feast.” Erewhon said. “More and more colonists are getting sick and tired of the way things are going on the island, and Ishmael is the root of the trouble. When Decision Day arrives, we will force him aboard the outrigger after breakfast and push him out to sea as the coastal shelf floods.” 

Friday gasped. “And you didn’t _ tell me?” _

“We weren’t sure you could keep a secret.” Finn admitted. “But you seem to have been able to visit the Baudelaires secretly.” 

Friday bit her lip. “But it’ll be unlikely Ishmael will survive, won’t it? He’ll be alone.” 

“He won’t be.” Finn said. “If necessary, we’ll force his supporters out with him.” 

“At breakfast,” Erewhon said, “We’ll find out who supports him and who doesn’t.” 

“We’ll fight all day and night if we have to.” Finn said. “Everyone will choose sides.” 

The children heard an enormous, sad sigh from the top of the raft of books. “A schism,” Kit said quietly. 

“That’s why we’ve come to you, Baudelaires.” Erewhon said. “We need all the help we can get.” 

The Baudelaires glanced at each other, and then Nick said, “What would we have to do?” 

“We need you to break into the arboretum.” Finn said. “On the dangerous side of the island. All the forbidden items we’ve scavenged over the years should come very handy.” 

“We hope to peacefully force Ishmael away,” Erewhon said, “But we’ll need weapons, just in case. Find or build us some weapons tonight, and bring them here before breakfast.” 

“Weapons seems drastic.” Solitude said quietly. 

Violet bit her lip. “Soli’s right. Ishmael may be a dick, but he hasn’t hurt anyone intentionally, like Count Assface over there.” 

“He’s a cult leader, Violet.” Nick said. 

“Nick-” 

To their surprise, Friday said, “We’ll help.” 

Lilac jumped. “Friday-” 

“Ishmael can walk.” Friday spat. “He’s been sneaking off to the arboretum for the apples. He’s a liar, just like everyone else.” 

Finn gasped, while Erewhon said, “Thank you, Friday. That will be useful for the mutiny.” 

“Baudelaires!” Kit called, leaning over the top of the raft. “Don’t give these people weapons! I won’t hear of you putting your talents to such nefarious use. I’m sure the island can solve its difficulties without resorting to violence.” 

“Did you solve your difficulties without resorting to violence?” Erewhon asked sharply. “Is that how you ended up shipwrecked on a raft of books?” 

“My history is not important!” Kit said. “I’m worried about the Baudelaires.” 

“And we’re worried about you.” Lilac said. “Finn, Erewhon, will you help get her to shore when we bring you your weapons?” 

“Yes.” Finn nodded. 

“And we’re not just worried about you, Kitkat.” Nick said. “We’re a bit worried that Ishmael’s started a brand new cult over here, because we keep running into that shit.” 

“We’re sick of it.” Klaus said. “So we’ll help.” 

“We’ll get your weapons,” Violet said, “And meet you here in the morning.” 

“Baudelaires-” Kit began. 

“We’ll be back soon, Kit.” Lilac said, looking sadly up at the raft. 

Kit paused a moment, as if considering what to say. “I wish things were different.” 

“So do we.” Sunny said. 

Nick took Soli’s hand, and Klaus took Sunny’s, and Violet and Lilac took Friday’s, and the Incredibly Deadly Viper and Babbitt followed them off the beach.


	36. in which we go surprisingly more off-book

**CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX**

_ in which we go surprisingly more off-book _

The island was quiet at night, as Friday led them down the path she’d been forbidden to go on, the one that the sheep took to the arboretum. They were silent, firstly because they feared a lot of noise would mean they were discovered, and secondly because they weren’t sure what to say. Friday gripped tight onto Lilac’s hand, a distant look in her eyes. For a while, nobody knew what they  _ could _ tell her. Today had definitely been quite the ordeal for her. 

Finally, when they’d been walking for quite a while, Lilac said, “We found out our parents were murderers the day we left for the island.” 

The Baudelaires stiffened, and Solitude paused to stare at Lilac, though she was about halfway through helping Sunny step over a rock. Friday’s eyes went wide as her head shot up to look at the eldest. Lilac was glancing down at her, a sad look in her eyes. 

“We’ve found out a lot of things about our parents.” she said. “They were in a cult. They stole things, and hid things from us, and…” she bit her lip. “They weren’t who we thought they were.” She shut her eyes. “I… I don’t know where I was going with this, Friday, but…” 

“I think what Lilac’s trying to say,” Klaus came forwards, giving the girl a kind smile, “Is that you’re… you shouldn’t feel alone.” 

Friday glanced at the ground. “I guess…” she shook her head. “Nevermind. We’ve been walking a while, we should be almost there.” 

The sun was rising slowly as they parted some trees and hanging leaves, and as they did, Friday gasped, and Klaus said, “Oh, holy shit.” 

Up ahead was all the items that had washed up over the shores of the island, over the years that Ishmael had been in charge. As far as they could see, there were piles of objects, towers of evidence, heaps of items, bales of materials, clusters of details, galaxies of stuff, universes of things, a register of seemingly everything on earth. Automobiles and alarm clocks, bandages and beads, cables and chimneys, and so on, and so forth. Cardboard boxes, chalkboards, a motorcycle, snowshoes, calculators, ceiling fans, menorahs, soccer balls, outhouses, coffins, cradles, and everything anyone could ever need. There were things that were hopelessly destroyed, somewhat damaged, in slight repair, and brand new. 

“I know this.” Nick was the first one to move, stepping towards a tall fish statue, the red paint slightly peeling. He shook quite a bit as he ran a hand over it, and Klaus rushed over to put an arm around him. “We were trapped in here. How… how did we fit in here? Klaus, how did we fit?” 

“Nick, just keep going.” 

Nick turned to Klaus, eyes wide. “We did fit? We were in here? I didn’t make that up?” 

Klaus bit his lip and nodded, and as the girls slowly stepped into the arboretum, he pulled Nick away. “Yes. Yes, you were in there. We didn’t know until it was too late. We’re sorry.” 

“We… we were in there.” 

“Yes. Yes, come on.” Klaus put his arm around him again, taking him towards Lilac, who was holding up a sparkly opera mask, as Solitude watched the Incredibly Deadly Viper lift and squeeze a soccer ball. 

“Words fail me.” Sunny whispered, looking at a stack of items, where she had no idea why they were put together. 

“Me, too.” Volet said, running her hand over a pink ribbon that blew towards her in the light breeze. “Li, think of the things we could invent here.” 

“We could make so much here…” Lilac trailed off, looking down at Friday, who was still gripping tight to her hand. “Are you okay?” 

“There’s so much here.” Friday whispered, looking ahead at everything before her. “I could… we could have used so much of this. We could have learned…” She leaned onto Lilac, shaking slightly. “There’s so much.” 

“I know.” Lilac put an arm around her. Quickly, hoping to distract Friday, she said, “Violet, I bet we could build splints for Kit’s feet.” 

“There are several boats here we could use, with only a little repairwork.” Violet said. “Wouldn’t be hard to make a water filtration system. We could invent anything and everything.” 

“There’s so much we could learn here.” Klaus said, taking Nick’s hand and leading him towards a pile of wood. 

“Cook.” Sunny said, looking over a huge collection of pots and pans.  _ “I could make any kind of food we wanted.”  _

“Where do we even start?” Solitude asked, watching Babbitt and Ink wander away into the collection. 

Klaus sighed. “Guess we start with weapons.” 

“Should we really be supplying arms to them?” Lilac asked. 

“Sure. They’re overthrowing a corrupt dictator.” Violet said. “I’ll give them a machine gun if we can.” 

“I just…” Lilac began. 

“Ink!” Solitude pointed, and they realized she was starting to run after the snake, who was flicking its tongue into the air and pushing forwards with a clear sense of purpose. 

“Looks like Ink’s found something.” Klaus said, squeezing Nick’s hand. “Wanna go see?” 

Nick nodded, and after a second, they all followed the snake, climbing over materials and discarded items. 

“It seems to know where it’s going.” Lilac said. “Maybe it’s been here before.” 

Before long, the viper sped up, and the Baudelaires and Friday started to run. Eventually, they found themselves on a path that must have been traveled before, as the ground was covered in footprints. Even after they lost the snake, they followed the prints, which were dusted around the edges in white powder. It was dried clay, of course, and in moments the children reached the end of the path, and they arrived at the base of the apple tree just in time to see the tail of the snake disappear into a gap in the tree’s roots. 

Friday slid to a stop first, causing Lilac to almost run into her. She was staring up at the towering apple tree before her, and she whispered, “Whoa.” 

“Come on, we can fit in, too.” Solitude said, waving her hand and rushing in after the snake. Nick quickly raced after her, not wanting to lose sight of her, and he dragged Klaus along with him. Violet followed, picking up Sunny in case there was a drop inside, and then Lilac and Friday brought up the rear. 

Underneath the roots of the tree was a large, dark space, and it took everyone a moment to adjust to the dim light. Violet noticed some kind of switch beside her, and she messed with it a moment, until a few small fairy lights lit up along the walls of the tree’s inside, and everyone gasped to see everything that was surrounding them. 

The space was much bigger than they’d thought, and much better furnished. Along one wall, a stone bench was almost covered in clean tools, beside which was an enormous bookcase, stuffed with all kinds of books and rolled and stapled documents; some books spilled onto the floor, making a neat little pile, and the bookcase lined almost the entire wall. Opposite the bookcase was an elaborate kitchen with a huge stove, several sinks, a large refrigerator, and a square table covered with appliances, and hanging over them were several utensils, pots, and dried herbs, fish and meats, as well as tall cupboards. The Incredibly Deadly Viper wrapped itself around the bottom of a device made of brass, that looked like a large tube with a pair of binoculars at the bottom, rising through the roots of the tree that formed a complete ceiling. 

“Holy shit.” Klaus said. 

“Wow.” Friday slowly released Lilac’s hand, wandering over to the books and running her hands across the spines, entranced. Klaus and Nick soon joined her, picking up books on the floor to look over, as Solitude ran to one that was emblazoned with a sketch of a serpent. 

Violet maneuvered her way to the binoculars. “It’s a periscope.” she said. “You can see the whole ocean from here.” 

Lilac moved to the tool bench. “There’s a lot here. We could fix anything.” She reached for her ribbon, only to remember she couldn’t use it anymore. Carefully, she instead picked up one of the tools. “These could be used to repair books. Fix the bindings and dry the pages.” 

“Cinnamon.” Sunny said, climbing up to the counter and sniffing a spoon. 

“There’s so much here.” Friday whispered. “Why… why would Ishmael hide this from everyone?” 

“Maybe this will help.” Nick said, and they turned to see that he was kneeling by a dresser, picking up a very thick, patched book, with a very thick title written into the cover. 

_ A Series of Unfortunate Events.  _

“Wh-what is that?” Lilac asked, as they all walked over to see. 

Nick stood up as they all stood around him, and he flipped through the pages. “It’s a History of the Island, I think.” he stopped at a bookmarked page, and read, ‘Yet another figure from the shadowy past has washed ashore- Kit Snicket (see page 667). The Baudelaires caused enough ruckus that the islanders will leave them alone to drown, though we may have lost one in the process. Also managed to have Count Olaf locked in a cage.” 

“Lost one?” Lilac looked aghast, putting an arm around their Friday. 

“Turn to page 667.” Klaus said. 

Nick did, squinting at the page. “Inky has learned to lasso sheep, and last night’s storm washed a postcard from Kit…” he trailed off, and stared hard at the page.

“What?” Solitude asked, hugging his leg. 

“What’s wrong? Is it something bad?” Violet asked. 

After a moment, Nick shook his head. “This isn’t Ishmael’s handwriting.” 

Klaus peered over his shoulder, and then tears sprang to his eyes. “Oh.” 

The Bauelaires all looked, and all fell silent. 

So they all heard the voice at the far end of the room say, “Yes, Baudelaires. That’s your mother’s handwriting.” 

They all whipped around, to see Ishmael walking out of the darkness, running a hand along the shelves of the bookcase. 

Instantly, Lilac pushed Friday behind her and threw her arms in front of her and her other siblings. Nick grabbed one of her arms and pulled it down, slamming the book shut and throwing it in front of himself as a shield. Solitude let out a feral hiss, while Violet picked up Sunny and held her, as if intending to use her as a projectile weapon if necessary, while Sunny looked very much like she wanted that outcome. 

Ishmael didn’t even look off-put. He just walked forwards and said, “I knew you’d come here. It’s in your blood. I’ve never known a Baudelaire who didn’t rock the boat.” 

“Don’t come near us.” Lilac said. 

“You.” Friday shook, and Lilac pushed her back more. “You, you’ve  _ lied.  _ To all of us. Kept this all from us!” 

“Oh, settle down, Friday.” Ishmael said. “This would’ve just caused more trouble.” 

Friday took several deep breaths, gripping tight to Lilac. “We- we-” 

“The Baudelaire family has always wanted to cause trouble.” Ishmael scoffed. “When I washed up on the island, your parents were the facilitators. Your father suggested that they install the periscope to search for storms, and your mother suggested that they make the water filtration system, making this library and kitchen, and…” he narrowed his eyes. “They wanted to dig a passageway that would lead to a marine research center and rhetorical advice service some miles away. But it was never finished, and it was a good thing, too. That research center was destroyed in a fire, which could have spread here. And they wanted to carry  _ all _ of these documents that had washed up here to Anwhistle Aquatics to give to some sub-sub-librarian. But others wanted to keep the island safe from the treachery of the world. By the time I arrived, some islanders wanted to mutiny and abandon your parents on the coastal shelf.” 

“You-” Klaus began. 

“I walked into the middle of this story,” Ishmael said, “As you walked into the middle of mine. Some of the islanders had found weapons in the detrius, and the situation might have become violent if I hadn’t convinced the colony to simply abandon your parents. We allowed them to pack a few books into a fishing boat your father had built, and in the morning they left with a few comrades as the coastal shelf flooded.” 

“You drove them away?” Violet asked. 

“They were very sad to go.” Ishmael said. “Your mother was pregnant at the time, and after all of their years with VFD, your parents weren’t sure they wanted their children exposed to the world’s treachery. But if the passageway had been completed, you would have been exposed in any case. Sooner or later, everyone’s story has an unfortunate event or two- a schism or death, a fire or a mutiny, the loss of a home or the destruction of a tea set. The only solution, of course, is to stay as far away from the world as possible and lead a simple, safe life. So we follow these customs to all be the same, so there’s no more schism.” 

The Baudelaires contemplated this for maybe half a second before Nick said, “No.” 

“No, that’s dumb.” Lilac said. 

“Bitchass.” Sunny said. 

“Suppressing free will in order to force conformity that will inevitably be ripped apart by whatever washes up the shores that vaguely challenges you, as well as lying to everyone so you could avoid the consequences of your decisions and drugging them so they stop arguing with you, is a dishonourable and immoral way of hiding from your problems.” Klaus said.

“Translation, you’re a bitchass.” Nick said. 

“And you threw a pregnant woman and people who wanted to advance this island to the waves where they could have died.” Violet said. 

“And, yeah, they shouldn’t have connected the island to VFD’s bullshit,” Solitude said, crossing her arms, “But that’s, you know, something you discuss, or at least wait to abandon them until after she’s given birth, you piece of shit.” 

“And then you don’t drug people!” Sunny said. 

“You kept us from the good things of the world,” Friday spat, tears forming at the edge of her eyes, “And you kept choices from us. But gave everything to yourself. You… you’re a  _ jackass!”  _

She grabbed tighter onto Lilac’s arm, as Ishmael watched them. His gaze was unreadable. 

“Hello? React, asswipe!” Nick said. “You’re a dick and we’re going to tell everyone exactly what’s here!” 

“Why would you do that?” Ishmael said. “They’ll all just leave. I know your story Baudelaires- from all the newspaper articles, police reports, financial newsletters, telegrams, private correspondence and fortune cookies that have washed up here. You’ve been wandering this treacherous world since your story began, and you’ve never found a place as safe as this one. Give up your repairs and inventions and exploring and reading and snakes and cooking. Forget Count Olaf and VFD. Leave your things here and lead a simple life.” 

“Never.” Nick said. 

“We’re not sacrificing our individuality so you can remain in control.” Violet said. 

“And once the islanders know you’ve been lying to them, they’ll never follow you again!” Klaus said, and he started to push his way forwards, so he could get a running head start to the island. 

But then Ishmael said, “Before you go, I have something to tell you. I know what you’ve brought to these shores.” 

“Yes.” Lilac rolled her eyes. “Treachery, trouble, boat-rocking, whatever you fucking wanna call it. We’re going.” 

“You didn’t just bring that, my dear Lilac.” Ishmael said, in a voice so cold that Lilac felt a familiar chill wash over her. “You brought Count Olaf, and a harpoon gun, and… the Medusoid Mycelium.” 

The Baudelaires completely froze, and Friday’s eyes widened. “Nobody can get to that.” 

“The helmet’s-” Klaus began, before Nick elbowed him hard in the ribs. 

However, Ishmael said, “Oh, you believe it’s with your Count Olaf.” they froze again. “Well, funny thing. Nick, you told us to watch out for that helmet. Thank you for that; it gave me something to look for. So, naturally, when I went walking to the arboretum and  _ found _ a helmet on the coastal shelf…” 

“No.” Nick said, his eyes going wide. 

“Well, we just happened to have one just like it in our piles and piles of things. Several ones just like it. So if I… dropped one on the sand, where you or the Count could think it was where nobody would touch it…” 

“No.” Solitude shrunk back. 

Ishmael sighed and reached behind the tool shelf, and pulled out a thick diving helmet. 

“Now,” he said, “You’re not going anywhere.” 

“No!” Lilac screeched, throwing her siblings back. 

“It will be a shame to abandon the arboretum for a few days,” Ishmael said, “But as I’m sure you’ve read, children, the human body can only survive for a little while without water, and it’s quite easy to block the filtration system from outside.” 

“You…” shocked, Violet stumbled backwards, clutching Sunny tightly. 

“Piece of  _ shit!”  _ Nick’s eyes widened. “Don’t you-” 

“I think you’ll find that I have no reason to fear this mushroom,” Ishmael said, “So I’ll have no problem releasing it in here and only leaving you for an hour. I’m sure nobody will notice if you disappear a little before decision day. And if you’re found among the waves, that’s just a cautionary tale. I will keep my islanders safe here, Baudelaires, no matter what it takes.” 

“You can’t release that mushroom, please!” Lilac said. 

“Lilac,” Friday grabbed her arm so tight Lilac feared it might break. “Li, I don’t wanna die…” 

“Then I suggest the Baudelaires stand right there.” Ishmael said. Then he turned and walked towards the exit roots. He smiled and said, “Now, we have Decision Day to get over with, and a Snicket and a Count to watch drown. Goodbye, Friday. I’m sorry that you were led so astray. And goodbye, Baudelaires.” 

And then he left, and after a second, they heard something slam in front of the exit. Something wooden was shoved in, blocking their way out. 

“What…” Violet shut her eyes and took a deep breath. “The…  _ fuck?”  _


	37. in which Lilac has a costume change

**CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN**

_ in which Lilac has a costume change _

Klaus ran for the door, and he gasped. “He tossed something into it. Looks like a shelf or table. Maybe if we try…” 

“Maybe we can make a battering ram.” Violet placed Sunny down, tied her hair back, and ran forwards to push a little against the block. “We can use the tool bench.” 

“But he has the Medusoid Mycelium!” Solitude shook, burying her head in Nick’s leg. 

“He won’t release it. That’ll kill the island, and he thinks he’s doing right by them.” Violet said nervously. “He wouldn’t hurt them intentionally.” 

“We don’t know that.” Friday shivered, crying into Lilac’s sleeve. “We don’t know anything about him.” 

“Friday, it’ll be okay.” Lilac moved a little, kneeling in front of her. “We’re not going to let anything happen to you, and we’re going to get out of here. Nick, are you okay?” 

Nick was shaking a little, staring hard at the ground. He was gripping dangerously tight to his own arms. “We’re trapped.” he whispered. “He trapped us.” 

Violet quickly ran over. “It’s okay, Nick. We’re not trapped, we’re getting out.” 

“We’re gonna…” Nick shut his eyes and dug in his pockets. “Vi, I can’t find my markers, I-” 

“It’s okay.” Violet said, grabbing his arms. “They’re in your pockets, you checked earlier. Lilac, can you get a look at the doorway?” 

Lilac took a breath. “Yes. Friday, do you want to stay with me?” 

Tears in her eyes, Friday said, “If- if you need to work-” 

“You can stay with me if you feel safe.” 

“I- I can go to Klaus, if he’s okay…” 

Lilac glanced at Klaus, who nodded. “Okay. Let us know if you need anything, alright?” 

Friday nodded and then ran to Klaus, quickly hugging him very, very tight. He embraced her back as Violet helped Nick find his markers and Solitude moved out of the way and took Sunny’s hand. 

Lilac moved to the doorway, placing a hand against the wood and shutting her eyes, trying to remember what had been outside the tree. It was a bit hard, considering her hair was falling all in her face, but she could manage, she’d be fine. They hadn’t been paying much attention to the surrounding area, instead focusing on following Ink… 

“Nick, what was outside the tree? You have a better memory.” Lilac said. 

Nick was sitting on the ground, and Solitude had crawled into his lap as he drew something on his left arm, his hand a blur as he swirled the marker. He shut his eyes and said, “Um. I think… I think there was a clock.” 

“Okay.” Lilac paused. “Okay, so he’ll probably have stuck it in a difficult position, so we’ll have trouble pushing or pulling it from inside. But we’ve moved clocks before; Violet, you added a toaster to ours. How heavy is it?” 

“Nick, is it a Grandfather clock?” Violet asked. Nick nodded. “That’s different from my toaster.” 

“No, it’s not.” Klaus said. 

“Pretty sure I’d remember-” 

_ “Klaus, _ how much does a Grandfather clock weigh?” Lilac interrupted. 

Klaus considered. “Anywhere from one-hundred to two-hundred pounds.” 

“Hmm.” Lilac shut her eyes, trying to think, only for her braids to fall in her face. “We… um… there are tons of tools here. Someone grab knives from the kitchen. There’s gotta be something we can-” she blew a hair out of her face. “We can use. Ishmael was rushing, so this can’t be too difficult to remove. If we just focus…” 

Violet ran to grab some knives from the kitchen, before moving back and spreading them on the bench. She tied her ribbon tighter, and then said, “We could use furniture as a battering ram. Or we could make a flamethrower.” 

“That’ll burn the whole tree.” 

“I’m never gonna make that flamethrower, am I?” 

“When we need a campfire next, okay?” Lilac groaned as, once again, her hair fell in her face. “We’ll have to try a battering ram.” 

“Or we could all push.” Klaus said. 

“That’s more boring.” Violet said. 

Lilac said. “Violet, tie- _ goddamnit it!” _

As she pushed her hair back, Violet said, “Do you want one of my ribbons?” 

“No, they’re not long enough…” Lilac sighed. She walked back by Violet and said, “Hey, don’t freak out.” 

“Why would I-” Violet asked as Lilac grabbed a knife, drew it up to one of her braids, and chopped it off. 

Violet leapt to her feet and gasped, while Nick’s dropped his marker in shock. Soli and Sunny let out tiny shrieks, as Friday stared and Klaus said, “Lilac!” 

“I need to _ think.” _ Lilac said, and she grabbed another braid and chopped it off. “And this _ hair is getting in my way!” _

“Lilac-” Klaus started forwards, but she held up a hand to stop him, and then grabbed her loose hair and started cutting. Her braids fell to the floor of the tree, as she kept cutting to get rid of the strands that could reach her face. Within a few moments, her hair was cut even shorter than the boys’, with only a small, thin braid on the side of her head. 

“There.” As if she’d just pulled it back into a ponytail, or tied it into a bun, Lilac dropped the knife and said, “Alright. We’re going to try pushing first. Violet, while the rest of us do that, put the tools somewhere and grab the bench. We can use that to bust out if the clock’s too heavy, but we can at least get started. Friday, I need you, Sunny and Solitude to check around the rest of the tree. If you find another way out, you yell for us, okay?” 

Still a bit in shock, Friday nodded and ran to lift Solitude from Nick’s lap. Sunny said, “Lilac-” 

“Talk later. Bust out now.” Lilac said. “Also, look for other weapons. We made a promise, didn’t we?” 

Her siblings looked to her, and Violet stood up first, moving over to her older sister and giving her a quick hug. And then she said, “Let’s get to work.” 

Hesitantly, the Baudelaires all stood, and Nick and Klaus ran to help her try to push the clock. Violet started slowly finding a safe place to store all the tools, while Friday, Sunny and Soli ran around the edges of the tree. 

After a moment, Solitude started. “Where’s Babbitt?” Had he gone into the tree with them? “Babbitt?” She heard a chirp, and separated from Sunny and Friday, who were trying to push aside some leaves. 

“Okay, on three,” Lilac said, narrowing her eyes and running her hands over her new pixie cut, “We’ll push. Push straight, and then next, left and right. See which way it’s jammed in.” 

“Are you sure?” Nick slid his markers back into his pocket. 

“Move your ass.” Lilac said, and Nick and Klaus hurried to her side. “Okay? One, two, three!” They pushed, to no avail. “Alright, to the left.” 

“I’ve almost got our battering ram,” Violet said, “Though we could always use these knives on the wood.” 

“Might not work as well as you think.” Lilac said. “To the left, one, two, three!” The clock, once again, didn’t move. 

“Tixe,” Sunny said, which meant,_ “There’s gotta be another way out.” _

“Babbitt! Come _ here!” _Solitude called, running towards the chirping noises. 

“To the right.” Lilac ordered. “Violet, get that fucking battering ram ready. One, two, _ three!” _A slight budge. “Alright. We gotta push it this way. Violet, get the bench.” 

“Wait!” Solitude called. The Baudelaires turned, to see she was standing over part of a carpet, where Babbitt was bouncing up and down on. “Babbitt found something!” 

“Oh, fuck yeah! Deus ex Rana to the rescue!” Klaus said, rushing over first. 

“Deus ex what?” Sunny asked. 

“Stop being a fucking nerd, Klaus!” Violet raced after him, carefully and concernedly leaping over the pile of Lilac’s hair on the floor. 

Klaus picked up Babbitt, placing them beside him, where they hopped off somewhere, and then he lifted the carpet. He put his hands on the dirt floor, and then gripped and lifted again, revealing a trapdoor. 

“Oh, wow.” Nick said, pulling his sleeves down and smiling a little. “Ishmael really is a dumb fuck.” 

“No, we just have a smart Babbitt.” Solitude grinned.

“Does this mean we can’t use a battering ram?” Violet asked, disappointed. 

“Perhaps later.” Lilac said. “Drop something to see how far down it goes.” 

Friday grabbed a knife and dropped it. After only a second, they heard a _ thump. _

“Alright, so it’s not that deep.” Klaus said. “But we still have no idea where it goes.” 

“Does anyone see lanterns, candles or flashlights?” Lilac asked. 

“There!” Sunny pointed towards a lantern. 

Violet ran over, opening it and saying, “We’ll need a candle to put inside.” 

Nick ran to the cabinets, swinging them open. After going through a few doors that only held plates or books, he found several candles, and a small box of matches shoved into the corner. He quickly lit the lantern, and then said, “Someone should keep these matches, just in case.” 

“I got it.” Violet took the matches, shoving them into her dress pocket, and then she said, “What else should we do?” 

“Tie a rope near the entrance, in case this is a dead end.” Lilac said. Sunny dug up a rope from the corner, and her and Violet tied it to a table leg, watching it fall down the hole. 

“Now, jump down and pray Ishmael doesn’t release the Medusoid Mycelium on the island when he sees we’ve escaped.” Lilac said. “And also pray that we can get to the coastal shelf before it floods. I’ll go down first and make sure there’s nothing dangerous, and then we’ll all go together. Once we’re down, Klaus, you take the lantern. Violet, you take Sunny, and Nick, you take Solitude. Friday, stick with me, okay?” Friday nodded. “If this turns out to be a dead end, we’ll come back and try to move the clock again. Alright? Let’s go, team.” 

She leapt down first, landing beside the knife, which she could still see in the dim light. She quickly picked it up and stuffed it into her belt, as Violet leapt down, and Sunny slid down the rope. Then came Friday, and then Klaus, and then finally Nick and Solitude. “Babbitt’s going to stay and look for more treasure, and catch up later.” Solitude explained, as Klaus held up the lantern. 

“Good idea. And don’t worry, Solitude, we won’t leave without them.” Lilac said. “Everyone move out, these tunnels can’t lead that far.” 

“Unless they’re the incomplete tunnels to Anwhistle Aquatics, in which case we’ll run into a dead end, and/or the ocean.” Violet said. 

“Cheery.” Klaus said. 

“I think ‘cheery’ is appropriate for our string of luck.” 

They started to run, and Lilac said, “Honestly, I feel we have been lucky. We’ve been thrown into unfortunate event after unfortunate event, but there was always something. We always found something, or found each other.” 

Nick smiled and grabbed Violet’s hand with his free arm, as Solitude leaned on his shoulder. “We do keep finding each other.” 

“And we always will.” Lilac said. “We’re Baudelaires. We stick together.” 

“No more secrets?” Solitude asked. 

Lilac bit her lip. “No more.” 

After a hesitant second, Friday asked, “What about me?” 

Lilac slipped her hand into the young girl’s. “If you want to stay with us,” she said kindly, “Then you’re a Baudelaire, too.” 

Friday’s face lit up the entire tunnel. “You think there’s enough room for seven Bauelaires?” 

“Yeah.” Nick smiled quite a bit. “That officially makes Klaus the middle child.” 

“Shut up.” Klaus laughed. 

“You’re the middle, we get to bully you now, and I am free.” 

“No!” Friday giggled. “Leave Klaus alone!” 

“Do you think it’s a bad sign,” Violet asked, “That we’re about to walk into unspeakable danger and we’re joking about whether we’re allowed to pick on Klaus?” 

“Colm,” Sunny said, which meant, _ “We’re always allowed to pick on Klaus.” _

“Oh, shut up.” Klaus giggled. 

“I mean, we’re all stressed enough.” Solitude said. “Lilac chopped off her hair.” 

“I’m tired of not thinking about things.” Lilac said, running a hand over her hair. “And not focusing.” 

“Well…” Nick smiled slightly. “You look at least thirty-percent more gay this way.” 

“Thank God.” Lilac smiled. 

“Hold on.” Klaus held up the lantern. “We have an issue.” 

Up ahead, the tunnel divided in two, to the right and left. 

“Which one do you think leads closer to the coastal shelf?” Lilac asked. 

“I’d guess left,” Friday said, narrowing her eyes, “But I’m not sure. I haven’t been on this side of the island.” 

“Might as well try it.” Lilac said. “Thank you, Fri. This way, guys.” 

“We shoulda brought Babbit. Or Ink.” Solitude said. “They always know the way.” 

“We can figure out where we want to go.” Violet said, adjusting her hold on Sunny. “Anyway, while we’re walking, wanna talk about our parents’ secrets?” 

“Not especially.” Lilac said. 

“Alright, then. Who wants to talk about what we’re gonna do with the whole rebellion thing?” 

“I think we should just go out there,” Nick said, “Tell them what Ishmael’s done and said, and then drag Kit to the fucking outrigger.” 

“She might need medical attention.” Klaus said. 

“And we need to get off this island.” 

“What happens if she, like, gives birth in the middle of the ocean?” 

“Mom might’ve done it.” Lilac said. 

“What if Ishmael tries to stop us?” Friday asked. 

“Worse case scenario,” Lilac shrugged, “I have this knife.” 

“I brought one, too.” Violet said. “Now I can finally carry knives!” 

“Only until Olaf’s dead.” Lilac said. 

“As if.” 

“Can I carry knives?” Friday said. 

“No.” said everyone. 

“That looks like an exit! Thank god!” Lilac interrupted, pointing ahead.

She ran up to a tiny sliver of light at the edge of the tunnel. She couldn’t reach, so she took the lantern from Klaus as he stood on his tiptoes and pushed up. There was a _ clang, _ and another trapdoor flew open, causing much more light to shine in their faces. Everyone blinked in the sudden change, and then Lilac said, “Okay. Everybody up. We have to hurry.” 

Klaus clambered out, then took Friday’s hand and pulled her up. As he helped her sit beside him and reached for Solitude, who Nick was holding up for him, Friday said, “I think I know where we are. We can reach the Coastal Shelf in a few minutes if we run.” 

“Thank God.” Klaus said, as he placed Sunny beside him and reached down to help Nick up. “Everyone hurry. We can’t risk anything else going wrong.” 

Lilac and Violet shared a look, and then Lilac said, “Klaus, you know us. Something will go wrong.” 

“Then we’ll just have to hope we can stop it.” Violet said, and she smiled at Lilac. “Let’s go.” 


	38. in which the Medusoid causes a ruckus

**CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT**

_ in which the Medusoid causes a ruckus _

The group ran through the sand, holding each others’ hands and trying to swerve around trees and leap over rocks. “What time is it?” Nick asked, gripping tight to Solitude and looking up at the sky. 

“The shelf won’t flood for maybe an hour,” Friday said, “And we’ll get there soon!” 

“Will they listen to us?” Violet asked nervously. 

“They’ll listen to me.” said Friday, determination in her eyes. 

They kept running, as fast as they could, but they sped up even more when they heard angered shouting. 

“Oh, shit!” Nick said. “Revolution!” 

“Keep moving!” Sunny called. 

They ran, bursting out from behind several leaves and sliding out onto the beach facing the coastal shelves. Ahead of them, a table had been overturned, the bland island food scattered across the floor. All of the islanders were at each others’ throats, whether literally or figuratively; some were fighting with words, shouting to the skies. Some were pushing and shoving, and some were even punching or kicking. And at the edge of the crowd stood Ishmael, sitting on his throne on top of the sleigh, watching it all with vaguely concerned eyes as she sheep sniffed around the sand. 

“Hey!” Lilac shouted, stepping forwards. “What in the nine circles of hell is going on here?” 

Erewhon whipped around. “Baudelaires! Where were you? We had to start the mutiny without you! Where are our weapons?” 

“We don’t have weapons!” Lilac said. “Listen! Everyone, Ishmael is a- Nick, how would you say this?” 

“He’s a bitchass motherfucking liar!” 

“Yes!” 

“Ishmael can walk!” Friday shouted, as the fighting died slightly so they could see the approaching children. “He can walk and he locked us in the arboretum to die!” 

“What were you doing in the arboretum?” Miranda asked. 

“He has a poisonous fungus!” Klaus said. 

“They’re obviously insane!” Alonso said. “Where would Ishmael get a poisonous fungus?” 

“He can _ walk!” _Friday shouted. 

“I’m done with the way Ishmael’s running this fucking colony!” Finn shouted. “Everything exciting that shows up here gets thrown away, and now he’s walking around on his own?” 

“He’s not walking!” Ariel said. “And I’ve had enough danger for a lifetime!” 

“Danger will come whether you like it or not!” Weyden shouted. “This woman arrived on a raft of books, like I did!” 

“You abandoned your books.” said Professor Fletcher. 

“She did _ not!” _Larson cried. “You helped her hide them so you could force those children to read!” 

“We wanted to learn to read!” Friday shouted. 

“You’re reading?” Miranda gasped. 

“You shouldn’t be reading!” cried Madame Nordoff. 

“Well, you shouldn’t be yodeling!” Dr Kurtz said. 

“Yodeling is better than carrying a flashlight!” 

“Carrying a flashlight is better than having a picnic basket!” 

“Hiding a picnic basket is better than hiding a spyglass!” 

“Hiding a spyglass is better than hiding an arboretum of _ shit!” _ Nick shouted. “And trying to _ murder us!” _

And then the Baudelaires heard another voice, one that froze them dead in their tracks. 

“Silence! All fall silent for the King of Olaf-Land!” 

“Oh, fuck!” Nick cried, and Klaus and Violet pushed themselves in front of him, while Lilac grabbed Friday’s arm and dragged her behind them. 

Olaf stumbled towards them, a gloating look in his eyes. He’d completely abandoned his disguise, and was holding the diving helmet in his arms. The islanders gasped, and Alonso said, “I thought we abandoned him on the Coastal Shelf!” 

“We let him out!” Erewhon said. 

“You did _ what?” _Violet screamed, horrified. 

“He can help us! He-” Finn began. 

“He’s a liar and a murderer!” Lilac said. 

“So are you, my dear.” Olaf said. He eyed her with his shiny eyes. “Why’d you do that to your hair? It makes you look much less pretty.” 

“Get the fuck away from her!” Klaus shouted, grabbing Lilac’s arm. 

Olaf laughed, turning to Ishmael, who was looking incredibly angry. “Oh, Ish,” he said, his eyes shining bright, “I told you many years ago that I would triumph over you someday, and at least that day has arrived! Your mutineering islanders let me out of my cage, Ishmael, to force you off the island and crown me king!” 

“King?” Erewhon said. “That wasn’t the plan.” 

“If you want to live, old woman,” Olaf said rudely, “I suggest you do whatever I say.” 

“You’re already giving us suggestions?” Brewster said. “You’re just like Ishmael.” 

“Untrue!” Olaf said, holding up the helmet. “I have the Medusoid Mycelium! It’s a poisonous fungus, and the second I release it, everyone here will be infected!” 

“You don’t have the Medusoid Mycelium, dickfuck,” Klaus spat. “Ishmael does, and he tried to kill us with it!” 

Olaf paused and then peered inside his diving helmet. And then he tossed it aside and said, “Well, isn’t that interesting? In that case, I suppose the Medusoid must be nearby. Henchpeople, go find it for me!” 

“I have a better idea.” Violet took out her knife. “I stab you with this, I stab Ishmael, we get the fuck off the island.” 

“Stab!” Sunny cheered. 

“Why, Violet Baudelaire, that’s murder.” Count Olaf said. “You don’t-” 

“The world would be a better place without you in it.” Violet insisted. 

Friday let go of Lilac’s hand, wandering back through the crowd. Lilac turned towards her, watching her slip past everyone, and she hastily followed, giving Klaus a quick tap and gesture to let him know where she was going. 

“Violence is not allowed on these shores!” Ariel said. 

“There’s been plenty of violence anyway! You all were just fighting!” Nick said. “And Bitchmael tried to _ fucking murder us, can we please discuss that? _Also, Hoelaf, stay put until Violet stabs your ass.” 

“Now!” Ishmael shouted, sitting up straighter, not noticing Friday rush behind the sled. “I think we all need to stop! You’re all being silly. Let’s be cordial. Drink your cordial, and then we will banish these troublemakers to the coastal shelf.” 

“We’re not going anywhere while you’re still the dictator here!” Violet said. “We won’t go anywhere until justice is served!” 

“Then you’ll be standing here a long, long while.” Olaf snapped. 

“Fuck off!” 

“Fuck you!” 

“Fuck this shit!” 

“Please, no swearing is allowed here!” Miranda said. 

“Fuck that!” Nick said. 

“Listen to _ me!” _ Ishmael said. “These Baudelaires and their _ Count _ are rocking the boat too much, and-” 

“And you’re a piece of shit!” Friday shouted, as she leapt forwards. She threw her arms out, pushing Ishmael’s chair with all her might, and as she did, Lilac jumped forwards to help her. With a start, the sheep let out terrified bleats and scattered, causing enough friction that Ishmael’s chair completely toppled. 

The clay smashed onto the sand, and islanders gasped as Ishmael fell to the floor, the clay around his feet falling away. But that wasn’t all that fell; as soon as the chair toppled, out toppled a harpoon gun, an apple core, and the Medusoid Mycelium. 

Several islanders screamed, leaping back, and then several things happened at once. Nothing ever good happened to the Baudelaires, when things got heated, weapons were out, and so many things were going on. 

Lilac pushed Friday back, as Klaus ran forwards to grab onto the girl. Olaf rushed past the islanders, throwing himself at the Medusoid Mycelium, a greedy look in his eyes. Ishmael jumped to his feet, startling all the islanders, as he ran forwards and gripped onto the harpoon gun, throwing it up to point at the villain. Sunny let out a screech and Violet and Nick shared a look, quickly dropping the toddlers to the ground and running forwards, both putting their hands on the knife handle. 

Olaf grabbed the helmet, as Ishmael grabbed the weapon and pointed it at him. 

And then Violet and Nick leapt forwards and stabbed Count Olaf right in the side, at the same time that Lilac jumped at him and swiped her knife, hitting his hand. 

Olaf let out a shocked gasp, and the helmet fell from his hands just as Ishmael shot. The harpoon soared through the air, and hit the glass of the helmet. 

Lilac dropped her knife, and Violet and Nick ripped theirs out of Olaf, leaping back and screaming as spores filled the air. 

Solitude let out a terrified shriek, so Nick thrust the knife into Violet’s hands and ran to her, hugging her tight and shutting his eyes a she screamed. 

“What’s going on?” Omeros shouted. 

“Something’s in my throat!” Erewhon said. 

“Ishmael _ is _ standing!” Finn said. 

Count Olaf stepped back, wheezing as blood leaked from his wounds, and he said, “Ishmael has just released the Medusoid Mycelium onto all of you!” 

“Ishmael released poison onto us?” Alonso said. 

“It’s the revolters’ fault for letting Olaf out!” Ariel said. 

“It’s Olaf’s fault!” 

“It’s the Baudelaires’!” 

“It’s Ishmael’s!” 

“It’s Friday’s!” 

“It’s everyone’s!” 

“It doesn’t _ matter!” _Lilac said, stumbling back as tears sprang to her eyes. She ran back to Friday and Klaus, who were clinging to each other. “We all just breathed in the spores!” 

“We only have an hour!” Violet said. “If we all don’t stop arguing, we’ll _ die!” _

“The fungus is _ deadly?” _Madame Nordoff shrieked. 

“I didn’t stay on this island to die!” cried Ms Marlow. ‘I could have died a home!” 

“Nobody is going to die.” Ishmael announced to the crowd. 

“It depends on how you look at it.” Rabbi Bligh said. “Eventually we’re all going to die.” 

“Not if you follow my suggestions.” Ishmael said. “Now first, I suggest that everyone take a nice, long drink from their seashells. The cordial will chase the fungus from your throats.” 

“No, it won’t!” Violet cried. 

“Fermented coconut milk is just an opiate!” Klaus said. 

Nobody seemed to be listening, though, so Sunny just cried, “Arboretum!” 

“Sunny’s right! There’s a kitchen in the arboretum!” Lilac said. She picked up Friday, holding her tight, and said, “We’ll be right back! We might be able to find horseradish!” 

“They’re lying!” Ishmael said. “There’s nothing in the arboretum but junk! They’re trying to trick you!” 

“We’re trying to _ save _ everyone!” Klaus said. 

“Please, let’s hurry!” Nick cried, holding a screaming Solitude, who looked about ready to break down. 

“Ishmael, why the fuck are you doing this?” Violet shouted. “If you just sit here and drink cordial, you’ll be doomed!” 

“We’ve all breathed in the same poison, we’re all in the same boat!” Lilac said. 

“We’ll see about that.” Ishmael said with a grim smile. 

“Hightail it!” Sunny shouted, meaning, _ “We’d better hurry!” _

The siblings rushed out, while Miranda called for Friday, and some islanders angrily called for the Baudelaires, and Olaf stumbled back onto the sand, trying to find something to wrap his wounds. 

As the children hurried over the brae, all the way back to the arboretum, ducking through leaves and swinging through sand, they felt like their lives were slowly being sucked out them. The poison was working its wicked way through their systems, and every now and again, they had to stumble to a stop to cough, their lungs feeling like they might explode, their throats scratchy. Friday and Solitude were crying into the respective shoulders of the Baudelaires carrying them, while Sunny tried to look ahead and stop coughing, and Klaus and Violet grabbed onto each other, and Lilac pushed forwards, trying to lead her siblings the right way. 

By the time they reached the apple tree, Violet said, “We don’t have much time!” 

“Hope horseradish.” Sunny said. 

Violet and Nick ran forwards to the clock blocking the door, and pushed and kicked it, screaming. Finally, once Klaus put down Sunny and ran to help, they managed to yank it back, and they slid inbetween the roots of the tree, running into the kitchen. 

The toddlers were dropped on the counters, and Lilac put Friday down beside the fridge, and everyone dug through the pantries and racks, hoping and praying that they would find something. They found sage, oregano, paprika, dried parsley, garlic salt, tumeric, nutmeg, marjoram, and powdered lemon peel, but nothing they could use. 

“There’s no horseradish! Nothing!” Violet said. 

“No wormwood? Wasabi? Eutrema?” Sunny started to cry, as Solitude wandered to a couch and climbed onto it, sinking into a pillow and sobbing. 

“Maybe it’s hidden somewhere.” Violet said. 

“Who in the _ fuck _ would hide horseradish?” Nick said. 

“Our parents.” Sunny sasid. 

‘We don’t have time to search the entire arboretum to find horseradish!” Lilac said. 

“Are we going to die?” Friday said, and she clung to Lilac again. 

“Our parents have to have something here!” Violet said. 

“I wish they’d told us _ something.” _Klaus said. “Anything! About where to find horseradish! About VFD! About…” 

“Maybe they did.” Nick ran to the floor, where he’d dropped _ A Series of Unfortunate Events. _“They wrote all their secrets here. If they hid the horseradish, we’ll find it here.” 

“We don’t have time to read that entire book!” Lilac said. 

“If we fail,” Sunny said, her voice heavy with fungus, “At least we die reading together.” 

The Baudelaires all gave each other grim looks, and then they nodded, and ran to the couch to pick up Solitude. They embraced each other, and cried, and Lilac flipped open the book, and said, “Find Mother’s handwriting.” 

Like most people, the children had occasionally been in a curious and somewhat morbid mood, and spent a few moments wondering about the circumstances of their own death. Most people do not choose their final circumstances, of course, and if the Baudelaires had been given the choice they would have liked to live to a very old age. But if the six children, and Friday, who was cuddling against Lilac as Klaus put an arm around her and Sunny leaned on her leg, had to die while they were still children, then perishing in one another’s company while reading words written long ago by their parents was much better than many other things they could imagine. 

They skimmed the pages, flipping through as fast as they could, looking for “horseradish”, “medusoid mycelium”, “fungus”, “wasabi”, or any other words they needed. As they read more and more, it grew harder and harder to breathe, until Klaus finally spotted the words.

“Here!” he said, his voice rough and wheezy. “Look!” 

“Ishmael’s fearmongering has stopped work on the passageway, even though we have a plethora of horseradish in case of any emergency.” 

“What does that _ mean?” _Friday said. 

“We’ll explain later.” Nick said. 

Klaus kept reading. “We’re attempting a botanical hybrid through the tuberous canopy, which should bring safety to fruition despite its dangers to our associates in utero. Of course, in case we are banished, Beatrice is hiding a small amount in a vess-” 

Klaus’s next cough was so violent that he fell to the floor. The other Baudelaires leapt down, huddling close to him. He slowly pointed one pale hand to the ceiling. “Tuberous canopy is the roots above our heads. A botanical hybrid is a plant made from the combination of two other plants. I… I don’t know what he’s _ talking about.” _

“They put the horseradish into roots.” Nick guessed, coughing and shaking. 

“Apples!” Sunny cried. “Bitter apples!” 

“We need to eat an apple to dilute the fungus!” Lilac said. 

But as the Baudelaires tried to stand, they found themselves collapsing on the ground, shaking. Friday stumbled a few steps before falling beside Violet, who quickly put an arm around her. 

“Come on.” Lilac wheezed, struggling to move. “Come _ on.” _

“We can’t make it.” Klaus cried. 

“No…” Nick hugged Solitude to his chest as she wailed. 

“We can’t die here!” Violet said. “Our parents saved our lives in this… in this very room, many years ago… with-without even knowing it…” 

“Maybe not.” Klaus said. 

Lilac shut her eyes, and hugged Sunny to her. “Maybe this is the end of our story.” 

And then the children heard another sound, faint and strange, in the secret space beneath the apple tree their parents had hybridized with horseradish long ago. The sound was a low hiss, and Solitude suddenly looked up in hope. 

The Incredibly Deadly Viper moved first to Sunny, the closest, and dropped an apple beside her. 

Lilac quickly reached out and gave the apple to the toddler, who bit into it and then passed it to her. Lilac bit only to give herself enough strength to push to Violet and Friday, as Ink came back with another apple, dropping it beside Nick and Solitude. When they were done, they stopped by Klaus, who took his bite last. As they bit and chewed, they felt the fungus shrink away, and their breath coming back to them.

“Holy fuck.” Klaus gasped. He sat up, hot tears at the edge of his eyes. “Holy fuck…” 

“We’re alive.” Lilac gasped, as Friday and Solitude let out wails and grabbed the nearest Baudelaire to hug. Sunny cried, too, running to hug Lilac, who pushed her arms out and brought all her siblings into a group hug. 

“We’re _ alive.” _


	39. in which man hands on misery to man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Heavy implications of suicide/suicidal tendencies at the end of this chapter. Proceed with caution, and stay safe!

**CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE**

_ in which man hands on misery to man _

“Go, go, go!” 

They’d run across the island so fucking much in the last few hours that they were starting to get very, very sick of it. But now Klaus and Lilac were carrying a basket that they’d scavenged from the arboretum, holding as many apples as they could find, desperately hoping they arrived in time. 

“Do you think the coastal shelf has flooded yet?” Nick asked worriedly. 

“It’ll have started.” Friday said. “Kit has a few minutes.” 

“That’s not  _ good!”  _ Violet said. 

“We need to get these to the islanders, and then get her off the coastal shelf…” Lilac said, but she trailed off as they rounded past a rock and slid onto the beach beside the coastal shelf, and saw, up ahead, the outrigger pushing out to sea. 

“Oh no.” Klaus said. 

“Oh  _ no.”  _ Violet said. 

Friday’s eyes widened. “What are they  _ doing?”  _

Lilac rushed forwards first, taking the basket of apples from Klaus and holding it herself as she waded into the water. 

Kit spotted them, sitting up. “Baudelaires!” she cried. “Baudelaires, I think I’m going into labor!” 

“Holy fuck, Kit,  _ now?”  _ Nick shouted. 

“I don’t really have a choice in this matter, Nick.” Kit said. 

“We’ll help you in just a second, Kit! We need to get these apples to the islanders!” Lilac shouted, turning to the boat, which she was getting close to. Her siblings ran to her, Friday reaching to grab apples to toss. 

“They won’t take them!” Kit said. “I tried to tell them how the poison could be diluted, but they insist on leaving!” 

“No one’s forcing them.” said Ishmael calmly. “I merely suggested that the island was no longer a safe place, and that we should set sail for another one.” 

“You and the Baudelaires are the ones who got us into this mess,” said the drowsy voice of Mr Pitcairn, “But Ishmael is going to get us out.” 

“The island used to be a safe place, far from the treachery of the world.” said Professor Fletcher. “But since you’ve arrived it’s become dangerous and complicated.” 

“That’s not our fault!” Klaus ran through the water. “You can’t live far from the treachery of the world, because eventually the treachery will wash up on your shoes.” 

“Exactly.” said Alonso, who yawned. “You washed up and spoiled the island forever.” 

“So we’re leaving it to you.” coughed Ariel. “You can have this dangerous place. We’re going to sail to safety.” 

“Safe here!” Sunny held up an apple. 

“You’ve poisoned us enough!” said Erewhon. “We don’t want to hear any more of your treacherous ideas!” 

“You were the ones ready to fucking mutiny!” Nick shouted. 

“That was before the Medusoid arrived.” Finn said hoarsely. “Ishmael’s been here the longest, so he knows how to keep us safe. At his suggestion, we all drank quite a bit of the cordial while he figured out the root of the trouble. And the root of the trouble, Baudelaires, is you.” 

The children had finally reached the outrigger, and the frantic children stared up at Ishmael. 

“Why are you doing his?” Klaus begged. “You know we’re not the root of the problem.” 

“The Medusoid Mycelium was around before we were born, and our parents gave us the cure!” Nick said, holding up the apples. 

“If you all don’t eat these bitter apples,” Friday pleaded, holding out the apples, “They’ll come to a bitter end. Please, Ish, tell the islanders the full story.” 

“Now, Friday.” Ishmael said, leaning down in his chair to talk without the others hearing, “If I told the islanders the whole story, I wouldn’t be keeping them safe from the world’s terrible secrets. They almost learned the whole story this morning and mutinied over breakfast. If they knew all these island’s secrets there’d be a schism in no time at all.” 

“Better a schism than death!” Violet shouted. 

Ishmael shook his head. “No one is going to die. This outrigger can take us to a beach near Lousy Lane, where we can travel to a horseradish factory.” 

“You don’t have time for such a long voyage!” Solitude cried. “You all have less than an hour!” 

“The entire colony is poisoned,” Lilac said, “And if you make it to shore, the fungus could spread to everyone you meet. You’re not keeping anyone safe. You’re endangering the whole world, just to keep a few of your secrets. That’s not parenting or guarding! That’s horrid and wrong!” 

“I guess it depends on how you look at it.” Ishmael said. “Goodbye, children. Colonists, I suggest you start rowing.” 

The colonists nodded and rowed, but the children pushed on. Friday made it near her mother, and held out her apple, screaming, “Mother! Mother, please, take the apple! Mother, listen to me! I’m your  _ daughter,  _ you can believe me!” 

Miranda looked at her, with distant eyes. “You’ve been reading.” she said. 

“Mother,  _ please!”  _ Friday was sobbing. She turned to Finn and Omeros. “I’m your friend! You all can trust me! You know me! The apples are fine!” 

“You’re treacherous.” Omeros coughed violently. “Just like them.” 

“Please!” Friday begged. 

Klaus ran to Alonso. “Take an apple! Please! Save yourself!” 

“Mother!” Lilac ran to Friday, grabbing her arm as she desperately tried to swim in the deepening water. “It’s me! I’m your  _ daughter!”  _

Miranda gave her another blank stare, then shook her head. “I don’t know you.” 

Friday burst into tears. “And I don’t know  _ you!  _ But I could! We could know each other again! Just take the apple!” 

But Miranda shook her head, and Ishmael said, “Friday, it’s not too late for you to come aboard. Don’t rock the boat. Respect your mother’s wishes. It’s more than the Baudelaires ever did.” 

Friday shook her head, though she still desperately held out the apples. Violet held the basket up to Ishmael, and said, “We  _ are _ respecting our parents’ wishes! They didn’t want to shelter us from the world’s treacheries. They wanted us to survive them.” 

Ishmael put his hand on the basket. “What do your parents know,” he asked, “About surviving?” And with one firm, cruel gesture the old man pushed against the basket, and the outrigger moved out of the children’s grasp, just as the container toppled and apples spilled into the water, splashing around them. 

And at the sound of the splash, the Baudelaires remembered the apple core that had fallen from Ishamel’s sleeve, and realized why the facilitator was so calm in the face of the deadly fungus, and why his voice was the only one of the islanders’ that wasn’t clogged with stocks and caps. 

“We have to go after them!” Solitude wailed. 

“We could be their only chance!” Friday begged. 

“We can’t go after them.” Klaus stopped, looking down at the apple in his hands. “Kit’s in labor. We have to get her to the beach.” 

“We could split up.” Violet suggested, her voice heavy. 

Klaus shook his head. “We all need to stay here to help her.” he gazed at the wheezing and coughing islanders, and said, “They made their decision.” 

“There…” Friday looked at the departing faces of everyone she’d ever known. “There’s no way they’ll survive.” 

But she was wrong. They heard a hiss, and they turned and saw Ink behind them, swimming out into the sea. It gave them a nod, and then took an apple in its mouth and one in its tail, and swam off. 

They watched it leave, and then Friday, still sobbing, said, “Save them! Ink, please, save them!” 

Ink swam away, and Lilac gave Friday a hug. “We have to help Kit.” she whispered. “I’m sorry.” 

“I know.” Friday cried, and then the children turned away from the islanders and ran. 

They made it to the raft where Kit lay, and they began to push the raft with all their might, moving it very, very slowly to the beach. Nick lifted Solitude to the top, where she crawled towards hte woman and held out a damp apple. “Take it!” she cried. 

“I can’t.” Kit said. 

“You’ve been poisoned.” Violet said. “You must have caught a spore or two from the islanders.” 

“The apple will harm the baby.” Kit said, her voice distant and her eyes sad. “There’s something in the hybrid that’s bad for fetuses. Your mother never tasted one of her own bitter apples. She was pregnant with you, Violet.” 

Violet started, shooting Lilac a look, but Lilac just stared up at Kit, tears in her eyes, hugging Friday. 

Kit shook slightly. “I wish I was half as good a mother as she was.” 

“You will be.” Nick said. 

“I don’t know.” Kit said. “I was supposed to help you children on that day when you finally reached Briny Beach. I wanted nothing more than to take you away in my taxi to someplace safe. Instead, I threw you into a world of treachery at Hotel Denouement. And I wanted nothing more than to reunite you with the Quagmires… and poor Fiona… and I left them behind.” 

Violet looked up, her eyes brimming with tears. “What happened?” 

“I failed you.” Kit said. “I met up with Fernald and Fiona, who stole the  _ Queequeg _ and recruits from Olaf, and we- the self-sustaining hot air mobile home crashed onto us, and then we were all in a wreck.” She turned to Lilac. “Fiona was so desperate to reach you, Li. She wanted you to forgive her.” 

“There’s nothing to forgive.” Lilac started to cry, too, trying to push the boat. “What happened next?” 

“I don’t know.” Kit said. “I saw a mysterious figure- almost like a question mark in the water. My brother used to call it the Great Unknown.” 

Solitude looked to her, narrowing her eyes, a seemingly insignificant memory floating back to her. “Question mark.” she said, “Beast.” 

“I fashioned a Vaporetto of Favorite Detritus, as I’d been trained to do, but only Ink managed to reach me. The others… they were gone. I don’t know what happened, I’m  _ sorry.  _ Baudelaires, I failed you.” 

“No.” Solitude shook her head. “I-” 

“You succeeded in your noble errands at the Hotel Denouement, and saved Dewey and the others, but I don’t know if we’ll ever see your friends again. I hope you can forgive me, and I hope Dewey will forgive me, too.” 

“We didn’t succeed, Kitkat.” Nick started to cry, and he barely choked out his words. “We don’t know who got out of that hotel. And Dewey’s dead.” 

And then everyone burst into tears. 

They kept trying to push, through their sobs, but after only a minute, they hit some kind of sandblock, and the raft halted. 

“Stop.” Kit said, sitting up and crying. She picked up Solitude gently, running a hand over her hair, and then passed her down to Nick. “Stop pushing the raft. I can’t go on.” 

“We’ll go on together.” Violet said. 

“We’re almost at the beach.” Klaus said. “The shelf is flooding.” 

“Let it flood.” Kit cried. “I can’t do it, Baudelaires. I’ve lost too many people- my parents, my true love, my brothers… and now my baby will be all alone.” 

“She won’t be.” Lilac said. She clung to Friday and said, “We’ll take care of her if something happens to you, like we’re taking care of Friday, and like we’ll always care for each other.” 

“I could not ask for better.” Kit said quietly. “Name the baby after one of your parents, Baudeaires. The custom of my family is to name a baby for someone who has died.” 

“Ours too.” Sunny said, and she reached over to grab Solitude’s hand. 

“Our families have always been close.” Kit whispered. “Even if we had to stay apart from one another. Now we are all together, as if we were one family.” 

“Let us be.” Klaus said. 

Kit shook her head. “It’s useless. I can’t get down, and you can’t push the raft farther. It’s stuck in the sand.” 

“We can do it.” Violet shook her head. 

“We need to find something.” Lilac said. 

“No time!” Sunny said. 

“The baby’s coming soon.” Kit said. 

“We need help!” Nick said. 

“We’re alone.” Violet reminded him.

And then the siblings gazed out on the beach, and saw, sitting on a rock and bleeding out, the one person for whom they had not shed a tear. 

They approached quickly, with Lilac still gripping tight to Friday, who was still crying very hard, and starting to shake quite violently. They reached the beach, and stared down at the struggling figure of Count Olaf. 

“Hello, orphans,” he said, his voice wheezier with the fungus. “Are you here to bow before the king of Olaf-Land?” 

“We don’t have time for your nonsense.” Violet said. “We need your help.” 

“You need my help?” Olaf said with an astonished glare. “You stabbed me.” 

“And we’ll do it again.” Nick threatened. 

“But we’ll give you apples,” Sunny said, handing one out, “If you help.” 

“I don’t want fruit.” Olaf snarled. “I want your fortune!” 

“The fortune isn’t here.” Lilac said. “None of us may ever see a penny of that money.” 

“Even if you were here,” Klaus said, “You might not live to enjoy it.” 

“It’s a McGuffin,” Solitude said, “And your scheming means nothing here.” 

Count Olaf looked away. “Then maybe I’ll stay here. I’ve lost too much to go on- my parents, my true love, my henchfolk, an enormous amount of money I didn’t earn, even the boat with my name on it.’ 

“You  _ have _ to go on!” Violet said, looking worriedly towards Kit; waves were lapping dangerously at her raft. “Do  _ one _ good thing in your life, Olaf!” 

“I’ve done lots of good things in my life.” he snarled. “I once took in six orphans.” 

Klaus couldn’t take it anymore, and he shouted for the first time a secret all six Bauelaires had kept in their hearts for as long as they could remember. 

_ “You’re the one who made us orphans in the first place!”  _

Olaf closed his eyes for a moment, grimacing in pain, and then stared slowly at each of the seven children in turn. 

“Is that what you think?” he said finally. 

“We know it.” Sunny said. 

“You don’t know anything.” Olaf said, and the Beatrice and Bertrand’s children fell dead silent. “You’re just like your parents.” 

“Please.” Lilac said, as tears fell down her cheeks. “If you don’t help us, Kit and her baby will die!” 

Olaf suddenly turned to her in shock. “Kit?” he said, and with one swift gesture he grabbed the apple from Sunny and took a savage bite. The second the fungus was gone, he stumbled to his feet, and the Baudelaires saw just how bloody he was. 

“We really hurt you, huh?” Nick said, not an ounce of remorse, but maybe a flicker of doubt, in his voice. 

“I’ve been hurt before.” Count Olaf said, and he staggered down the slope and waded into the waters of the flooded coastal shelf. In one smooth gesture he lifted Kit from the raft and carried her onto the shores of the island. The distraught woman’s eyes were closed, and as the children hurried to her, they weren’t sure she was still alive. 

The villain stared at Kit for one long moment, and then, to everyone’s shock, he leaned down and gave Kit a gentle kiss. 

“Ew.” Solitude said. 

Kit’s eyes fluttered open, as Olaf said, “I told you I’d do that one last time.” 

“You’re a wicked man.” Kit said, coughing. “Do you think one kind act will make me forgive you for your failings?” 

The villain stumbled away, and then fell down on the sand beside her. “I haven’t apologized.” he said. 

Kit reached out and touched his ankle as he turned to look at the Baudelaires, touching the tattoo that had haunted the children for a long while. It had haunted a lot of people for a long while. 

“The night has a thousand eyes,” Kit said hoarsely, raising her head to face the villain. “And the day but one; yet the light of the bright world dies with the dying sun. The mind has a thousand eyes, and the heart but one: yet the light of a whole life dies when love is done.” 

Count Olaf gave Kit a faint smile. “You’re not the only one who can recite the words of our associates,” he said, and there was something in his voice that the Baudelaires had never imagined; almost like he’d become a child again, laughing with another kid on a playground. His voice returned to normal, though, as he said, “Man hands on misery to man. It deepens-” 

“Like a coastal shelf.” Nick kept his eyes on the ground. 

Count Olaf coughed, and then said, “Get out as early as you can…” he turned to stare at the Baudelaires, and said, “And don’t have any kids yourself.” He uttered a short, sharp laugh, and his eyes shone brightly. He opened his mouth, as if he wanted to say another joke, but Count Olaf never said another word again. 

He lay back on the sand, and Kit let out a cry of pain, and the seven Baudelaires hurried to help her. 

“Please. Take an apple.” Lilac begged the woman. “You can survive. You’re already in labor, the apple probably can’t do much harm…” 

Kit looked at her, and Lilac saw in her eyes that her choice not to take the apple had nothing to do with her child. 

Lilac let out a terrible sob, one the Baudelaires did not think her capable of making, and then she begged, “Aunt Kit! Aunt Kit,  _ please!”  _

Only Nick and Kit knew why she’d said that at the moment, and as Nick let out a wail and clung to a sobbing Solitude, Kit raised a hand and put it on Lilac’s face. She smiled, then, a smile she never thought she’d be able to give. 

It is likely your own eyes were closed when you were born, so that you left the safe place of your mother’s room- or, if you are a seahorse, your father’s yolk sac- and joined the treachery of the world without seeing exactly where you were going. You did not know the people who were helping you make your way here, or sheltering you as your life began. This is the way everyone comes into the world. 

And it is the way that Beatrice came into the world, just as Kit left it. 


	40. in which the Baudelaires go on together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: 
> 
> Nick's self-harm via scratching is mentioned very directly in the second segment, though not shown onscreen. Proceed with caution, and stay safe!

**CHAPTER FORTY**

_ in which the Baudelaires go on together _

They buried Kit and Olaf far inland, where waves could not disturb their graves, marked with rocks with letters scratched into them. Klaus held the baby while Friday helped Sunny milk the sheep, and they fed her with a bottle Babbitt had located from the arboretum. 

The sun set, and they knew the coastal shelf was no longer flooded, and they sat in the roots of the tree. Friday was crying again, though much more silently, as she leaned against Nick, who held her and Soli very close. Sunny leaned against Violet, who leaned against a numb Lilac, as Klaus put his head on her other shoulder and held the sleeping baby to his chest. 

“What do we do now?” Friday asked, her voice faint. “We’re still here. We lost everything.” 

“We didn’t.” Sunny said, putting a hand on Lilac’s leg. “We have each other.” 

“We can’t escape.” Nick muttered. “We can’t escape treachery and trauma and… and everything.” 

“We don’t need to escape.” Violet said. She turned to Lilac. “Do you remember that musical, based on that movie, based on that movie, based on that book-”

“Yes.” Lilac nodded, and she shut her eyes and sang for them. 

_ “The world is cruel, the world is ugly, _

_ But there are times and there are people when the world is not…” _

The Baudelaires all joined in, and Nick hugged Friday closer. _ “And at its cruelest, it’s still the only world we’ve got.” _

_ “Light and dark,” _the twins and Solitude sang. 

_ “Foul and fair,” _sang Violet and Lilac. 

And then Sunny curled up and said, “Out there.” 

They didn’t know if they could cry again. 

“We have to look after her.” Violet said, looking to the baby. “Our… our little Beatrice.” 

It was the first time anyone had spoken her name. At that, they all felt some kind of peace wash over them, like the waves around them washed over the sand. Beatrice was gone. Bertrand was gone. But the children were here. And the children could go on. 

“I have something to tell you.” Lilac said. Nick gave her a sad look, and reached over to pat her leg. Lilac looked at the baby in Klaus’s arms, asleep, and she said, “I’m… do you remember the taxi driver?” 

Friday shook her head, and Klaus explained, “There was a man who seemed to know us. Driving a taxi.” 

Lilac shut her eyes, and then said, “He was my Dad.” 

Her siblings fell silent. She expected them to say something, but none of them did. She didn’t dare look at them. 

“Mom was engaged to him before she married Dad. They broke up around the time she got pregnant with me. His name was Lemony Snicket, and he’s Kit’s brother.” She curled up a little. “N-Nick found out, when he was with the Quagmires. He told me just… before the trial. I… I didn’t know how… I’m sorry, I…” 

Violet leaned over and hugged her very tight, and then Sunny did the same. Klaus, Nick and Solitude ran over, as Violet whispered, “It’s okay.” 

“What does that matter?” Klaus asked, struggling to hug her while still holding a sleeping newborn. “What does it matter?” 

“You’re our Lilac.” Solitude said. 

“Biggest sis.” Sunny said. 

Lilac found out that, indeed, she could cry some more. 

Violet opened the door of the closet, and said, “Hey, buddy.” 

Nick was sobbing into his lap, and Violet saw with distress that his arms were red again. She opened the door very wide, settling a rock by it to keep it open. 

They were outside with Beatrice, and Sunny was making smores. They thought it would be fun to have a campfire and test Violet’s new flamethrower, and Nick had gone inside to get buckets to load water in case the fire went out of control. They’d found some buckets in a closet in the arboretum earlier, so they’d expected him to be right back. When he wasn’t, Violet assumed something had gone wrong. 

He pulled his sleeves down as she sat in the doorway, looking into the cramped space. “I-I’m sorry.” he said. “My markers are outside-” 

“I know.” Violet nodded. “I… I guess we can’t lock you in the closet anymore, huh?” Her smile only lasted a few seconds. “I’m sorry. Just trying to cheer you up.” 

“I know.” He shut his eyes. “How long was I…?” 

“Only six minutes or so. I told Lilac you probably just stopped somewhere to use the bathroom-” 

“No.” he shook his head. “How long was I _ trapped? _I… I can’t remember. It was so long… I don’t remember counting the days, I… I was…” 

Violet held out her arms, and Nick threw himself at her. She embraced him as tight as she dared, and she said, “It’s okay to cry. But it’s also okay if you don’t want anyone to know.” 

“I… I can’t…” he shut his eyes. “It’s not fair.” 

“I know.” 

“He got away with it… he didn’t suffer.” 

“He did. We stabbed him.” 

“He got to die a hero.” Nick sobbed. “And I _ know _ it’s selfish, and I _ know _ I should just be happy Bea is safe, but… he got to die a hero. He didn’t suffer. I… I _ wanted him to suffer. I wanted everything he did to us… _am I a bad person?” 

“No. No, you’re not. You're still our Nick.” 

Violet hugged him as he cried, letting it all out. It took several minutes for him to calm down, and when he did, she said, “Can you sit here a moment?” 

“Are you gonna get my markers?” 

Violet bit her lip. “I’ll be right back. No scratching?” 

“I’ll try.” 

She shut her eyes. “And nothing else.” 

“Can I just go with you?” 

“I… I’ll be right back. Just stay here a mo?” 

Nick hesitantly nodded, and let her slip away. He sat on the floor of the arboretum for a while, looking around at the crib they’d set up in the corner, that Lilac had repaired and Violet had made a mobile for. Sunny’s dishes from her last creation were still in the sink, and Solitude’s little habitat for Babbitt was still on the ground, where Lilac was rebuilding the swinging door. Klaus and Nick’s books were spread on the ground, and Nick could see Friday’s commonplace book- he’d given her the one Quigley gave him, miraculously not wet enough to be damaged, and she loved it more than anything. There was the star chart the boys had been working on, pinned to the wall beside the periscope, reminding Nick that the night still went on. Days still went on. 

Violet came back, and she held out her hand. “Stand up, and grab that baseball bat.” she said. 

He jumped. “What?” 

“Friday’s gonna watch Bea, we’re all taking a trip.” 

Confused, Nick stood and grabbed a nearby bat that had washed up last storm. Violet took his hand and led him outside, and he flinched when he saw their other siblings waiting. “I…” he began. 

Lilac shook her head. “Just walk with us.” 

They walked inland, with Nick too tired and distraught to ask questions until they reached their destination. 

“Why…?” he looked down at the graves of Kit and Olaf, spread in front of them. 

Violet let go of his hand, stepping back. “Do what you want to it.” she said. 

“What?” 

“The grave.” she nodded. “Do whatever the hell you want.” 

Nick hesitantly took a step forwards, glancing around at his siblings. They all nodded at him, and Solitude even gave him a smile. 

Then, carefully, he kicked Olaf’s rock. It shook a little. He kicked it again, and it shook some more. 

“Piece of shit.” he said, and then he grabbed the bat and swung. “Piece of _ shit!” _

The rock flinched under the bat, and he continued to hit, swearing and pounding until a crack formed. Then he slammed onto the dirt, shutting his eyes and letting hot tears flow down his face. He didn’t care the mess he was making, or who was watching him. But as kept hitting, he felt a hand on his shoulder. 

He turned, and saw Violet stab at the ground with her knife. And then Klaus came forwards, and kicked the dirt. Lilac let out a quiet shout as she slammed the rock with a large stick, and Sunny bit onto the edge. Solitude pounded the ground, and Nick took a deep breath and got back to his beating. 

By the time they were done, the rock had split into pieces. Nick turned to look as it cracked, and everyone calmed, and then he counted how many pieces. 

“Six.” he said. “Dumb bastard.” 

Then he dropped the bat, and hugged Klaus, who embraced him and held out his arm to pull the others in. 

“We’re here.” Lilac whispered. 

“I know.” Nick said, and that was all they needed to say. 

They never told Bea she had the same shine in her eyes as her father. She didn’t need to know. 

But they told her she had her mother’s smile, and the same eyes as the other Snickets they’d met. 

“You have Biggest Sister’s eyes.” Sunny would sometimes tell her, and the baby would clap and cheer that she was just like Lilac. 

Bea liked cake. And she liked watching Violet invent. She liked when Nick tossed her in the air to catch her, and when Lilac sang to her, or played patty-cake. She liked when Klaus read her stories, sometimes fairytales, sometimes true accounts. She liked when Solitude trusted her with Babbitt or a bug she’d recently caught, so Bea could giggle as they crawled or squirmed around her and tickled her. She liked when Sunny gave her things to bite, or chatted with her in their little secret language. And she liked when they all came together and showed her something they’d found on the beach. 

Lilac and Klaus made everyone clothes, either by repairing ones that washed up on the shore, or making new ones from whatever fabric they could find, some of which was the wool that Violet and Nick sheared from the sheep. Friday’s first dress was purple, and she spun around in it until she fell over onto Nick. Beatrice’s first onesie was yellow, and Lilac told her, even though she was too young to remember, about how it was the color of the sun, because she brought light back into their lives. 

Lilac kept cutting her hair short. She liked it short. She liked thinking about things. She could still braid it a little, she just had to be a bit creative. Her songs got happier, too. She stopped asking everyone if they wanted sung to sleep, and instead just started bursting into a melody whenever she felt like it. 

Violet collected ribbons, some of which she let Beatrice chew on, “for luck.” She showed Bea and Friday how things fit together, and told them about how when they got back to shore, she’d show them much more. She built and helped Lilac repair, and kept all the tools in order- and out of reach of Sunny, who kept trying to stab fish with a screwdriver. 

Nick once found some paints, and Beatrice started painting on her arm, so she could have drawings like him. He’d cried, and she’d hugged him, and he’d asked if she wanted to exploring. He loved exploring the island. He’d started mapping it. He knew Quigley would want to see the map someday. Bea loved exploring, too, with her big brother. 

Klaus read all the books he could find, and Lilac helped him repair the ones that washed up on shore. He read aloud to everyone, and they’d laugh about ridiculous plots, or theorize about mysteries, or ask him to clarify a fact in a nonfiction. He liked when they asked him things. He liked having the answers. 

Friday read, too, and she took notes in her commonplace book with pens that her siblings found for her. She sometimes still sat on the beach, claiming the sounds of the waves and birds helped her concentrate as she did the schoolwork Lilac gave her or wrote about her day or the story she was crafting about a girl in a haunted grove, but the Baudelaires knew that sometimes she was looking out at sea, waiting to see a boat of familiar faces. They sat with her, then, and let her lean against them. 

Solitude found all the herpetology books, which Klaus and Friday read to her. She furnished Babbitt’s habitat, and let her hair grow out so that she could braid it. She also learned how to craft jewelry from shells, and she made everyone a bracelet to wear, to mark them as a Baudelaire. They were all Baudelaires forever. 

Sunny cooked with all the food they could grow in the arboretum, or that washed ashore. She milked the sheep, and broke coconuts, and showed Friday how to work the stove and sink. She made her first cake all by herself when Bea turned a month old, and she was never happier to see her siblings’ faces then when they gazed at delight at her surprise. 

And Bea… Bea grew up. 

“One day, you’ll meet our friends.” Lilac told her once. 

“They’ll be alright.” Solitude said. “The nice lady at the hotel had a statue just like the Great Unknown. I didn’t recognize it at first, but when Kit mentioned it, I remembered.” 

“A statue normally wouldn’t mean anything,” Violet had told Friday, “But, well, Nick found some interesting accounts, didn’t you, Nick?” 

“Li’s Dad is a wordy motherfucker,” Nick said, tossing a file that had been slipped into a bowl of honeydew melons, “But yeah, I did.” 

“And if we’re wrong…” Lilac bit her lip. “Well, we’re not. We have hope.” 

“You gave us, that, Bea.” Klaus told her. “You and Friday gave us all hope.” 

“We didn’t do that.” Friday said. “You all have each other, and that makes you happy.” 

Lilac put a hand on hers. “We all have each other.” she nodded. 

They usually ended every day by reading through their parents’ notes. It was comforting, seeing their handwriting, knowing that they were helping them, even though they probably never thought this was the way they’d do it. They’d add their own stories to the blank pages in the back, everything they’d learned, and everything they hoped. 

They wondered if their parents ever thought they’d have this many children, or that their children could grow up so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys can you FLIPPING believe this is ALMOST OVER I'M GONNA DIE-


	41. Epilogue - in which Beatrice leaves the island

**CHAPTER FORTY-ONE**

_ Epilogue - in which Beatrice leaves the island _

_ As we suspected, we are to be castaways once more. The others believe that the island should stay far from the treachery of the world, and so this safe place is too dangerous for us. We will leave by a boat B has built and named after me. I am heartbroken, but I have been heartbroken before, and this might be the best for which we can hope. We cannot truly shelter our children, here or anywhere else, and so it might be best for us, and for the baby, and for Lilac, to immerse ourselves in the world.  _

_ If our second is a girl, we will name her Violet. If it is a boy, Lemony.  _

“Excuse me?” Lilac gasped. 

All eight children burst into laughter, and Bea, sitting on Sunny’s knee, let out a happy shriek. 

“Lemony?” Violet repeated. “They would have named me  _ Lemony?”  _

“That’s not even your fucking Dad!” Lilac elbowed her. “How awkward would that have been?” 

“Lemony Baudelaire.” Sunny said, and they all laughed again. 

“You’d think Mother would know better than to curse someone with that name.” Klaus said, pouring them all some more fresh coconut milk. 

“Do you think they found out he was alive?” Nick asked. 

“Who knows?” Lilac shrugged. 

“Do you think my Father knows I’m alive?” Friday asked. 

Sunny smiled at her. “Maybe you’ll find him one day.” 

“Or maybe I won’t and don’t care cause he ditched me.” Friday giggled. “You’re all stuck with me- ha!” 

“Oh, what ever will we do?” Nick laughed. “How will we feed this many children?” 

“Well, maybe we only have to last a year until Lilac turns eighteen, and then we spend our fortune on pop tarts and Pokémon cards.” Solitude said. 

“What the  _ fuck _ is a pokémon?” Friday said. 

“Well, first we have to make sure we don’t get arrested.” Lilac said. 

“Those papers said that the arson wasn’t blamed on us.” Klaus said. 

“Newspapers aren’t reliable, dipshit.” Nick said. 

“We’ll have to come up with fake names.” Solitude giggled. “I’ll be Sensible.” 

“You will  _ not, I  _ called dibs!” Sunny shouted. 

“We’re not doing that, first of all.” Violet said. “Second, first thing we’re gonna do is find a house where VFD can’t fuck with us.” 

“Cheers to that!” Nick raised his glass. 

“I thought ‘cheers’ was used for alcohol.” Friday said confusedly. 

“Not always.” Klaus assured her. 

“Oh my God,” Lilac said, “Nick, if you let the coconut milk ferment again-” 

“No, no! God, I was just being funny. Stop being a killjoy.” 

“Stop being a bad influence.” 

_ “You’re  _ a bad influence!” 

Violet jumped up. “Excuse you! I’m the worst influence!” 

They laughed, and Bea raised her arms in a cheer, and Sunny said, “She’s right! She’s the worst influence!” 

“On  _ who?”  _

Sunny shrugged and hugged the baby. Lilac watched with a happy gleam in her eyes, and then she turned to Violet. “Um… is everything packed?” 

Violet pushed her hair behind her ear. “Yeah. Most everything’s in the boat. We still need to move in Babbitt’s habitat-” 

“You added the lid, right? So they don’t get hurt in storms?” Solitude asked. 

“Yes, lid’s on. And I added a strap so you can attach it to yourself, like you asked, in case of wreck.” Lilac nodded. “How’s Babbitt doing?” 

“Sleeping.” Solitude beamed. “I suspect Baby Babbitts by the time we reach shore.” 

“I still wanna know how Babbitt had-” Nick began, but Klaus slapped a hand over his mouth. 

“Let’s see…” Violet thought. “We replaced the sail, we packed enough clothes and food for a month, some fishbait just in case, storm prep, books-” 

“Cake!” Bea cheered. 

Violet laughed. “Yes, we packed you birthday cake, lil bean.” 

Friday smiled, but Sunny frowned. “Are we sure?” she asked. “That we want to leave? We have everything here.” 

The other Baudelaires shared a look, and then Lilac ran her hand over baby Bea’s hair, which made her burst into giggles. “We can’t hide from treachery forever.” she said. “We can’t hide from the world. We have to face it head on.” 

Sunny considered, and then nodded. “I’ll get my kitchen stuff.” 

“What about this?” Nick looked over at the book their parents had written, and that they’d added to. 

Klaus smiled and ran a hand over the cover, and said, “We should leave it. Some other castaways may need help someday.” 

Lilac ran her hands over the title. “Yeah. Let’s leave this behind.” She smiled and said, “Time to go. Sound off! One!” 

“Two!” Violet cheered, pulling her hair back with her ribbon. 

“Three!” Nick picked up Solitude, who giggled. 

“Four!” Klaus grabbed a few extra books and adjusted his glasses. 

“Five!” Friday called, playing with her bracelet and jumping up to spin her new dress. 

“Six!” Solitude cheered from where Nick was spinning her. 

“Seven!” Sunny shouted, also tying her hair into a ponytail. 

And Beatrice laughed, threw her arms up, and said, “Eight!” 

They pushed the boat out to the edge of the coastal shelf, and glanced at the nameplate, with scratchy writing that had somehow lasted a year. “Yeah,” Nick said, “I ain’t setting sail on a boat named  _ The Olaf.”  _

“I think there’s something under it.” Lilac said. The siblings knelt and took the board off, and smiled at the name revealed. 

“Well, look at that.” Klaus said, and he traced their mother’s name. 

Nick put a hand to his necklace, and Lilac to hers. 

“Where’s our little Bea?” Violet asked. “I want to test our life vests.” 

“She’s saying goodbye.” Friday said. “At the graves. She’ll be right back.” 

The Baudelaires nodded; they’d all said goodbye to Kit that morning, while Friday helped Beatrice pack her teething rings. 

“Last chance.” Lilac sighed, looking at the horizon. “We can always stay another year. Or two. Or three.” 

“Fat chance. I’ve been cooped up long enough.” Nick said. 

“Are we really ready? Are we sure?” Lilac asked. 

Violet smiled. “If we wait until we’re ready, we’ll be waiting for the rest of our lives.” 

Lilac smiled and nodded. “Friday, you get your little sisters in while we set it off.” 

Friday nodded, picking up Solitude. “Come on, frog-girl.” 

Solitude giggled, before settling Babbitt’s tank underneath a seat. “We’re all ready to go!” she cheered. 

“Freedom!” Nick shouted, causing them to laugh. 

“Wait!” they turned, smiling, to see Bea crawling down the slope as fast as she could. 

“Li!” she called. “Vi! Nick! Kla! Fri! Sol! Sun!” 

“Oh, come here!” Klaus held out his arms, and lifted her up, swinging her in the air. “We wouldn’t forget you, we never could.” 

“You’re a Baudelaire forever, just like the rest of us.” Nick said. 

“Get in the boat, you little thing!” Sunny called, using a term of endearment she’d made up herself.

Bea nodded, and then looked down at the nameplate of the boat. She frowned, and said, “Beatrice.” 

The Baudelaires grinned. “Yes.” Lilac said. “That’s our mother’s name, and yours. Now come on, we want to set sail while the day is still light.” 

The boys all climbed in the boat, and Klaus pushed aside a bowl of apples to make room for Bea’s seat. Lilac and Violet gave each other a grin, as they pushed the boat off the beach. 

Lilac smiled and said, “Let’s go find something new.” 

They climbed in, and the  _ Beatrice _ set off. 

Perhaps there was a reunion in their future, on Briny Beach with four children they thought they might never see again. Perhaps there was hope. Perhaps there was a way for them to have a normal life, or even an extraordinary one that wouldn’t cause them so much pain. Perhaps Lilac would have a repair shop, and Violet an inventing studio, and Nick a journal to write in for his travels, and Klaus a library, and Solitude her very own Reptile Room, and Sunny a giant kitchen. Perhaps Friday would have a research center, and Duncan a printing press, and Isadora a space to write her poems, and Quigley a room to make his maps, and Fiona a mushroom garden. Perhaps Beatrice would have a very large family. Perhaps, in ten years, Beatrice would have a much happier message for her uncle than he expected. Perhaps there would be none of that. Or perhaps there would be more. 

But right now, all they knew was that something was ahead. 

And all eight Baudelaires looked towards the horizon, and knew that, whatever happened, their story wasn’t over yet, and that was the best they could hope for. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS I'M. I'M GOING TO EXPLODE 
> 
> WE'RE DONE?? WE DID THE WHOLE 13 BOOKS 
> 
> WHAT THE FUCK HELL Y'ALL


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